When I Found You (35 page)

“It’s Nathan McCann, Manny.”

The door opened a crack, as it had two summers earlier. Again Nathan’s sinuses recoiled from the assault of thick, stale tobacco smoke.

The tiny man’s face appeared.

“Oh. Nathan. Yeah. How are you? I feel bad. I oughta come visit the kid more. I know I oughta. It’s not just because it’s depressing. Even though it is. But I think it’s hard for him, too. It seemed to bring him down those few times I visited. Did you notice that, too?”

“I’m not sure,” Nathan said. “That’s not exactly why I’m here, though.”

“Oh. OK. Come in.” Manny brushed his hair roughly back into place with one hand and held the door wide for Nathan, who did not step in. “Oh. Right. I forgot. You’re a non-smoker. OK. I’ll come out.”

•  •  •

“I notice the gym downstairs is for lease,” Nathan said, leaning against the fire escape rail. He looked out over the declining downtown neighborhood, amazed at how much further it had decayed in just a couple of years.

“Yeah. I told ’em. I told ’em they were making a mistake. You know, putting in an upscale gym and all. This is downtown. You don’t go upscale downtown. The people here, they come up hard. They don’t want to put on them silly tights and bounce up and down on a stairclimber. I could just kick myself for letting the place go when Jack died. That was such a great boxing gym. He was doing good, too. All I had to do was take the wheel. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It just cut the heart out of me when Jack died.”

“I don’t know anything about a Jack,” Nathan said. “I don’t know who he was.”

“A story better left untold.”

A long silence as Nathan sorted through his thoughts. He supposed Manny was waiting to hear what he wanted, why he had come. But Nathan was still organizing and framing those thoughts in his mind. It was unlike him to enter into a conversation without first putting his thoughts in order. But these thoughts seemed particularly hard to tame.

“You know it’s been almost a year,” Nathan said.

“Don’t think I don’t know it. Don’t think I don’t got those dates burned into my brain. March ninth was the date he landed in the hospital. I got it memorized. March seventh was the day …” But the little man never finished the thought.

“Please finish your sentence, Manny. What happened the night of March the seventh?”

“I can’t. I promised Nat I’d never say nothing, never, to nobody. I’m not an angel, and I’m not a saint, and I don’t do everything right. But I don’t look somebody in the eye and promise ’em I won’t tell a story, and then turn around and tell it. That bad I’m not.”

“All right,” Nathan said. And then listened to the straining awkwardness of the silence that followed. “So, does the new gym going out of business put you out of a job?”

“Not sure. If it does, it puts me out on the street, too. These little apartments go with the lease and they might wanta use ’em for something else. Or maybe they’ll still want somebody to clean up at night. Depends on who moves in.”

“How many square feet?”

“I got no idea. I’m no good at stuff like that. Why? You thinking of setting up some kind of shop?”

“I just wondered.”

“You wanna see it? Till somebody leases it and changes the locks, I still got the key.”

“Yes,” Nathan said. “I would like to see it.”

•  •  •

“I’d put a boxing ring right here,” Manny said. “And over there is where we used to hang the heavy bags.” Nathan watched dust swirl in the late afternoon light through the storefront windows as the little man paced the empty, dusty space. “I’d probably put some workout equipment over there in the corner. Just real basic stuff. Slant board, weight bench, free weights. Nothing fancy. What kills me is it wouldn’t cost much to get it going. You don’t need that much equipment, and anyway you can get it second-hand. And the rent is cheap because the whole neighborhood is falling apart. But it’s about a thousand times more than what I got. I shoulda kept it going when Jack died. I just didn’t have the heart to do it back then.”

“How much would you need?”

The little man stopped moving. He did not immediately speak.

“Why do you ask that?” he said after a time.

“Just a question.”

Manny shook his head. “Seems to me we took enough from you already. Every time I went and saw that kid since the … since he got hurt, he said the same thing to me. ‘Good thing Nathan made us get insurance.’ He kicked about it at the time. Thought he was invincible. Now he figures the insurance solves everything. But I know better. It covers eighty per cent. Right? So twenty per cent of all that’s happened to him is a shitload of money. Pardon my French.”

Nathan shrugged slightly. Gathered his thoughts before answering. “It just means an extra year or two of doing people’s financial records before I retire. It’s not like I’m having to work as a coal miner or a heavy-equipment operator. I think an old man my age can still lift those heavy books. If I made an additional investment, maybe one more year beyond that.”

“Now why would you wanna do a thing like that for me? You haven’t already made enough bad investments?”

“Would this be a bad investment?”

“Actually, no. I might not make a fortune, but I bet I could make enough to pay back a small business loan. I still wanna know why you’d do a thing like that for me.”

“It wouldn’t really be for you. Quite truthfully. It would be for Nat.”

“Oh. Oh! I get it. You think if he could go to work in a boxing gym, it might get him out of the house. Yeah. Yeah, he might be good here. He could pay back what me and Jack gave him for free. You know, find some other kids and help them come up. I’d pay him something, of course. Only … I just hope he wouldn’t scare the new guys away. You know, remind ’em how bad you can get hurt.” Manny seemed to chew that thought over for a beat or two. Then he said, “Well, one good thing, anyway. They won’t gimme a hard time when I tell ’em to put on that head guard.”

“So he wasn’t wearing a head guard that night?”

No reply.

“I guess he couldn’t have been.”

Little Manny stared at the floor. “I promised him,” he said.

Nathan nodded and moved the conversation in another direction. “I keep telling him he needs to find another dream. But he says he can’t. He says he only ever had that one. So, I thought, if he can’t fight any more, at least he can be involved with the sport in some other way.”

“I think I get it now, why you came over here. How long have you known this place was for lease?”

“I didn’t know until I parked my car just now.”

“Really? So what did you come over here to say?”

“I’m not sure, actually. I just knew I needed an idea. I thought you might have one. I didn’t expect one to be dropped into my lap. But I guess life is like that sometimes.”

“Much of the time as you let it be,” Manny said.

“So how much would you need?”

•  •  •

When Nathan arrived home, Nat was lying on the couch wearing just a pair of sweatpants. Watching the living room TV. An old
I Love Lucy
rerun. Lucy and Superman. One of Nat’s hands trailed down to where Feathers lay on the carpet.

“Where’s Carol?” Nathan asked, raising his voice to be heard over the canned laughter.

Nat only shrugged.

“Is she coming home for dinner?”

Nat shrugged again.

Nathan chose not to force the issue. But he couldn’t help being curious. Because she hadn’t been home for dinner last night, either. And he had missed her at breakfast.

He walked down the hall to his bedroom, loosening his tie as he went.

The door to Nat and Carol’s room stood partway open.

He stopped in front of it. Pushed it open a bit more.

The doors of the closet had been flung open and left that way. All of Carol’s clothes were gone, leaving only dozens of empty hangers to testify that she had ever lived in that room at all.

6 March 1981   

Before Nathan could even park his car in front of Carol’s grandparents’ house, he saw Carol step out on to the porch and lock the front door behind her. She strode down the steps and along the neatly-tended walkway, then turned and walked quickly toward the bus stop.

Nathan cruised along beside her, slowed, and reached over to crank down the passenger window. She spun nervously, defensively. Then she seemed to register who he was.

He stopped his car, and she walked up to the open window and leaned in, looking sad.

“Hello, Nathan,” she said.

“Would you like a ride to work?”

“Sure. Thanks.”

She climbed in and they sat a moment in silence. Nathan did not drive away.

After a time she looked over at him.

“As soon as you get your seat belt secured, we’ll be going.”

“Oh, right,” she said.

Nathan heard the reassuring click of the belt latch snapping into place. He put the car into gear and drove.

For the first half mile or so, silence.

Nathan felt it was his role to speak. After all, he had sought her out, not vice versa.

“The main reason I came by is to see if you’re OK.”

“Depends on what you mean by OK.”

“Physically. Psychologically. Financially.”

“I guess I will be,” she said. “Sounds like a tall order for right now.”

“I guess it is,” Nathan said.

“How did you know where I was? Did he tell you?”

“Eventually.” Nathan allowed a medium-length silence. “You don’t have to tell me this if you don’t want to. It’s none of my business. I just wondered why you left.”

“Why?
Why?
He didn’t tell you why?”

“No. He didn’t.”

“Because he told me to go. That’s why.”

“Nat told you to go? Are you sure you didn’t misunderstand him?”

“He wrote it out in a note, Nathan. There was no misunderstanding. He said this was not what I signed on for.”

“You signed on for better or for worse. In sickness and in health.”

“Don’t tell
me
. Tell
him
. He also said he wanted my admiration, not my pity. And I would never say this to him, Nathan, because he’d take it all wrong, but how can I admire him the way he is now? If I said that, he’d think I mean because he talks funny, and his arms and legs don’t work right. But that’s not why. It’s because he’s not fighting any more. And I don’t mean in the ring.”

“No, I know you don’t,” Nathan said. “I know what you mean.”

“Whatever used to get in his way in life, he always fought like hell. But he won’t fight this any more. It’s like he just gave up.”

“I know,” Nathan said.

“Any ideas on what to do for him?”

“Maybe. Give me time.”

He pulled up in front of the Frosty Freeze and shifted into park in a passenger-loading zone, sorry the conversation couldn’t have lasted longer.

Carol looked at the shabby white building and sighed. “I need a better job.”

Nathan said nothing.

“He’ll come around,” she said. “We’ll get back together. We were meant to be together. I just need a way to convince him that I love him for him. You know, the actual him.”

Nathan shook his head. “No. It’s not your job to convince him. It’s his job to believe it. This is his shortcoming, not yours. He needs to think well enough of himself to believe it. And that’s always been a problem for him.”

Carol sat a moment with her mouth open before answering. “But … I can’t do anything about
that
.”

“That’s right,” Nathan said. “You can’t.”

A long silence. Nathan glanced at his watch to see if he was making her late for her shift.

“Promise me something, Nathan?”

“I will if I honestly can.”

“Promise me that no matter what happens with Nat and me, you and I will always be friends.”

It took Nathan completely by surprise, and he found it hard to answer.

Carol raced on. “You’ve been such a steady thing in my life, ever since I met you. I don’t want to lose that. Whatever Nat does.”

Silence. Nathan wished he were better at emotional situations like this. He berated himself for making it to age seventy without mastering exchanges that everyone else found so simple. At least, he assumed they did.

“All right,” Nathan said. “I promise.”

21 January 1982