When the Elephants Dance (11 page)

“Oh, there is a cure for
my
intended. There is no cure for
your
intended.” Catalina stood. “Let us make this our first and last visit.” She opened a beaded
purse and threw out four pesos onto the table. The coins spun loudly on the table, then fell to the ground.

I thought Catalina would leave then, but her next actions made me think she had lost her mind. She pulled apart the clean tight braid of her hair, then she proceeded to rip her own dress. She grabbed a bottle of Esmeralda’s lotion and threw it on herself, all the while screaming for Esmeralda to have pity on her. “No, please, do not hurt me, Esmeralda! It is not my fault Tearso asked me to marry him and not you.” She rushed out, stumbling down the stairs. Our neighbors came outside to see what the noise was about. What they saw was Catalina running to her coach, sobbing.

Esmeralda never moved. She watched Catalina’s performance with horror.

O
N THAT NIGHT
, a storm began. The following day people could not stop speaking of how poor Catalina Marquez had to grovel at the feet of Esmeralda Cortez. They could not stop talking about how Catalina had to actually beg the woman to leave her fiancé alone. What nonsense, I thought. But can you believe how readily everyone accepted this? The senator’s wife was Catalina’s biggest supporter. Between the two of them, they made a big show of the wronged fiancé.

“We must oust Esmeralda from our community. Our husbands and brothers and sons are fooled by this witch. She leads them astray.”

The gossip raged like a fire in a dried-up wheat field. It consumed everyone in sight. Esmeralda’s customers stopped coming. I realized then how ready everyone was to turn on Esmeralda, how anxious they were to discredit her, as a liar, a man stealer, a whore. She knew all their darkest secrets. She was a threat to them.

Mildred, the nun, visited her that night, with a great show to the villagers of the pious nun pitying the poor sinner.

The nun sat with a knowing look on her face. “Do you remember now what I have told you? How this path could lead only to heartbreak? And now the entire village has turned against you. If you follow me now, if you admit to your sin and marry yourself to the church, all will be forgiven.”

“Please, Sister Mildred, I cannot hear this right now.” Esmeralda’s voice was strained.

I felt bad for what was happening to Esmeralda. I blamed myself. I wished at that moment that I could open a box and put all the badness back into it. But what I started was something that had been breeding for a long time.

“No, we must talk on this matter now. You shall go to church and pledge yourself as one of us. There is nothing else to be done, your reputation is shattered. It has been from the day you were born, an orphan, an unwanted child. You started with a black mark against you. And I tried to steer you the right way.”

I watched Esmeralda’s eyes grow dim. “And who put that black mark there,
Mother?”

Sister Mildred looked stunned. “Esmeralda, your mind grows weak in all this chaos.”

Esmeralda’s gaze did not waver. The tone of her voice was firm, yet there was almost a pleading to it. “You could clear my name. You come from a wealthy family. If you were to stand up and take the responsibility for becoming pregnant with me twenty-one years ago, my standing would change. I would then come from a good family, you would be the black sheep.

“Tearso’s family might change their minds. They would be happy to know I came from a decent family, and one connected with the church. Are you willing to take the burden from me? Are you willing to take responsibility for your part in all of this?” Esmeralda pleaded.

Sister Mildred sat stiffly, her hands folded in her lap. “You do not know what you speak of.” She wore a smug look. She reminded me of my aunt at that moment.

“But I do know. If you told Grandmother …” Esmeralda paused at Sister Mildred’s sharp look. “If you told your mother, she might be happy to find she had a grandchild. You could still change things, if you spoke to her. Explain what happened so long ago. She is a powerful woman, she could save us both.”

Sister Mildred stood quietly and smoothed her robe. She looked at Esmeralda. “You think she does not know of your existence? Who do you think insisted that I place the baby on the church doorstep? Even when I begged and told her that the father …” Sister Mildred’s eyes looked wistful for just a moment. “You were my child long ago, but too many years have passed. We are both grown women now. We are no longer anyone’s child.”

“You are wrong. You are still
her
child.” Esmeralda’s voice lowered to a whisper.

“You would do well to pledge yourself to the church. This is the only help I can give you.”

Esmeralda sighed after her mother left. “No one to stand up for me. Not one person. Such a sad, silent town.”

Padre Ramirez came to visit her soon after. Sister Mildred must have reported the news to him. He came with a humbleness of attitude that was sickening,
for throughout it all, his eyes gleamed with greed. I was never so surprised as when she asked him to leave. When the padre left I thought to myself, She has sealed her fate.

A few customers came to visit her, but they were like sprinkles of sand on a smooth floor where once there had been a beach. Esmeralda listened to their troubles. It was only after the last one had left that her confidence collapsed. She put her head down on the wooden table. That was how she looked when Tearso walked in unannounced. He stood at the door for a long moment. The expression on his face was one of torment. When she stirred, he strode to her side and took her hand in his. She pulled it back slowly.

“Why did you not tell me?” she asked.

“I had hoped to make plans for us. I had hoped to entertain my parents until we could elope secretly, and they could tell everyone I died, or moved abroad.”

“But now it is public knowledge. This woman is claiming to be your intended, and I have lost everything for trusting you.”

“Forgive me, my love, you must know I would never do this. Somehow, it all unraveled before I could catch the loose thread.” He tried again to put his arms around her, but she pushed him away. “Tell me, what can I do?”

“Go.” She pointed toward the door. “Decide who it is you are to marry. Do not come back until then.”

Tearso stared at her a long time. He tried a few times to hold her face in his hands, then he said, “It is already decided. I am to be married next month.”

“In my church?” There was a sob in her voice. I hated him for putting it there.

Tearso closed his eyes and brought his fingers to press them shut. He seemed to struggle with himself. When he opened them he took a deep breath and paced the small of her room. “Esmeralda, it cannot be helped. I have thought long and hard on this. I have dug marks into my palms from clenching them when I sleep. I am accustomed to the money. I cannot live without it. I can take better care of you this way. Catalina Marquez is rich. I can buy you whatever you want.”

“It was never the presents, Tearso. I want only you. I want us to be married as you promised.”

“It is not possible, not in name. That I cannot give you, though I had hoped to.”

“I will come to watch the ceremony,” she replied. The desperation in her voice was difficult for me to swallow. I sat on my knees with my fists clenched, not caring whether they could see me or not, through our open windows. I
wanted to run from that room, to keep from hearing her pain, but I willed myself to stay. I owed her that much, after all that I had started.

“Do not do that, my love. Please, spare yourself. I cannot bear to hurt you further.”

“I will come,” she said quietly.

“Then know that when I speak my vows, I say them to you.”

“No, Tearso. You will not be saying them to me.”

“Esmeralda, you know that I love you. Only you.”

“I do not know that anymore.”

He pleaded once again. “Tell me what to do.” I could hear tears in his voice. It stunned me. I did not understand how he could love her, after all that he had done. But there it was in his voice, raw and more sincere than any of his words.

“Leave me, and never come back. Whenever you see me, look away. Never let me catch you watching. If someone mentions my name, tell them, ‘I do not know this woman you speak of.’ ”

He walked to the front door with his head bowed. I ran to the front window so that I could watch him go. It had started to rain. Small spits at first, then a strong gale that shrieked at our windows. When I looked outside, I saw Tearso holding on to a tree. He gripped it, then crumpled onto it. He stayed there in the rain, for hours. I heard Esmeralda’s sobs throughout the night.

When he left I breathed a great sigh. It is over, I thought. Good riddance. There will be no more distractions for Esmeralda and me. I was wrong. The disruption I had caused was a small upsurge before the tidal wave.

The next evening I went to Father’s room to give him his medicine and to clean out his bedpan. He had grown ill again and had taken to his bed.

“Sana anák, malakí ka na, para makabílí tayo nang malakíng bahay
.” I wish you were big now, son, so that we could buy a bigger house.

When I heard this, something came over me, I do not know what. It may have been the strain of the past few days. It may have been that at that precise moment, I could see my classmates laughing among themselves as they passed just outside our house. They no longer asked me to play. I was a stranger to their circle. A tree you pass but do not notice, one that at times you lean or spit on, without realizing that it is a living thing. I snapped at my father, “What, am I to take care of you for the rest of my life?”

My father withered further before me. “No, I was only dreaming, son,” he said, then turned his back to me and went to sleep.

I felt horrible, and angry, and sad. I left his side and hurried to my window. I was hoping to find some gladness from Esmeralda. I was excited at the thought of starting fresh, without Tearso to distract her. I waited for the sound
of her coming into the room. Ten minutes passed before I looked up. I saw her sitting on the table with a picture of Tearso. She had been sitting there all along. She had no more customers. I was confused. I had expected gladness and relief on her face. She was sitting there staring quietly at a candle on the table. I grew sick at the small seed of thought that began to form. She still loved Tearso.

She sat like that all night long. My cousin Eduardo did not play the guitar. Only the sound of Father’s harsh coughing broke the stillness of the night.

T
HE NEXT MORNING
, I walked through the markets in a daze. I knew that Father needed his medicine, but I could not bring myself to return home. There was nothing there but sickness and tears. I decided I must go find Tearso and confront him with what he had done. I must instruct him to do whatever he must, to make it right with her. I wanted her to have that look of enchantment in her eyes. I wanted her room to be filled with beauty and anticipation. I did not realize that I wanted those things for myself.

I knew where Tearso lived. His large house stood precariously over a cliff, overlooking the village. When I arrived at his doorstep, I stood on my tiptoes and barely reached the black iron knocker. I accomplished two large thumps before the door opened. It was Tearso himself who answered. Before I could open my mouth, he clapped a thick hand on my shoulder and pulled me in. He shut the door with a swipe of his foot. We stood glaring at each other, he with his arms folded across his chest, and I with Father’s medicine bottle clutched in my hand like a club.

“Do you know what you have done, Carlito?”

“What
I
have done? What about you?” I shouted, my eyes immediately stinging with tears.

“Come.” He directed me to sit. I looked uncertainly at the rich tan carpet and rattan sofa. The chairs were cushioned with thick ivory-and-tan-colored pillows in a palm leaf design. I sat slowly, at the edge. I glanced down at my dirty hands and feet and almost lost my balance on the little corner that I sat upon.

Tearso sat across from me and stared. He bent forward and put his head in his hands. He clutched at his dark hair. “Why did you tell her of my involvement with Catalina? That was not your choice to make.”

“Someone had to tell her.” My voice rose over his.

“You hurt her.” He held out a hand to me. “The way you told her. She had not expected it. I know you do not believe me, but I had plans for the two of us. I was going to run away with Esmeralda, force my family to accept her or
send us money on another island. In that way they could save face, tell their friends I had married an aristocrat from another town.

“You pushed our relationship out into the open. You have made public what I was considering in private. Now I must make a public decision. The only recourse for me is to marry a girl of my status. I cannot embarrass my family by marrying below us. I could not shame them that way, after all they have done for me. I am bound by them. I cannot make them a laughingstock in their own community. That is not how a son repays his family. I would ruin the reputation of my brothers and sisters. There are ties, Carlito, invisible ties that one owes to one’s parents. We must honor our obligations, despite our true wishes. We must do this out of respect. You understand?”

On this point, I understood him. “I understand,” I said quietly, thinking of my ties to my own father.

He looked at me. “Forgive me, Carlito. Perhaps you know too well what I speak of.”

I lifted my chin. “If it were up to me, if I had a choice between making Esmeralda happy and …” My voice lost its strength. Would I do the same? I pondered. If I had to tell my father, “I can no longer take care of you. I need to marry this woman whom I love,” could I do it? I could not do it even now.

Tearso nodded as he watched me come to the same conclusion.

We two spineless ones sat with our heads bowed.

He stood and walked to the window. He put his hands in his pockets and searched the sky. “I was going to tell her myself. You cannot imagine how many days I agonized for the right way, the right moment. The moment you chose, and the way in which you told her, was wrong. It has killed me to break her heart this way.” His face was contorted. I could see he was crying. He wiped his eyes with rough fingers that pressed and shook at his skin. It was as if he wanted to hurt his face.