When We Fall (4 page)

Knox growled something in response to my body
’s tightening and slowed his pace, his expression twisted in pleasure or agony, I couldn’t be sure. “Fuck, angel. You’re so perfect.” His tight grasp on my hips loosened, as though he realized he was probably bruising my skin. I didn’t care. A deep, all-consuming orgasm like that would be worth whatever bruises and soreness I had tomorrow.

Once my inner walls had finished trembling, Knox withdrew amid my protests and lifted me off of him, laying me on the bed next to him while he positioned himself above me. Keeping my legs together and my knees bent and pushed up to my
chest, he held my calves in one of his hands and used his other to guide himself back inside me.

My back arched involuntarily off the bed and my hands scrambled for him, gripping his thighs as he rocked forward again and again, pummeling me with long, purposeful strokes. I clung to him desperately while he worked himself inside me, pumping his hips and keeping my legs in place.

He bit out a string of curse words and I felt the moment he gave in, his body jerking and his cock swelling inside me, filling the condom he wore.

Knox released his hold on my legs and pressed a soft kiss to my mouth. He got up just long enough to remove the condom and grab me a handful of tissues, wiping between my legs carefully before
returning to the bathroom to dispose of it all. I made a mental note to take the trash out before Brian got back. I didn’t need him seeing the evidence that my virginity was indeed gone and make some comment about it.

Knox crawled into bed beside me, pulling the quilt that was folded
at the foot of my bed up and over us.

“
You’re trembling,” he whispered, brushing the hair back from my face.

I nodded.
“That was intense.”

He smiled and pulled me closer, tucking me against his side and draping a heavy arm over me.
“This feels so good, holding you like this.”

Panting to catch my breath, I curled onto my side and let him hold me. His big
, warm palms smoothed up and down my body, lightly stroking me and soothing me until all my muscles were relaxed and I felt sleepy.

As I dozed off into a light sleep, feeling complete and happy, I made mental notes of all the things I needed to do
. Check on Brian. Check on Amanda and her baby. And find a way to become an anonymous donor for a college scholarship and be sure that Luke was the recipient. But for now, I just relaxed and let Knox hold me snugly in his arms.

The way he
’d been himself—so uninhibited and fierce, taking me over the edge with each punishing stroke—was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. He’d claimed my mouth with deep, hungry kisses, seeking love, acceptance, and belonging. He might not have said the actual words yet, but it was only a matter of time. I felt his love in each kiss and whispered compliment.

He kissed me once more on the forehead and then rose from the bed.
“I need to get home to check on the guys.”

I nodded and got up, pulling on the pink bathrobe hanging on the back of my door.

Knox stepped into his jeans and tugged his shirt on over his head. Once he was dressed, he pulled me into his arms, lifting my mouth to his and looking deep into my eyes. I didn’t know what he was trying to tell me, but I felt his love and concern all the same.

But he had told me he
’d loved me, hadn’t he? Not in words, but with his body. The tender way he’d made love to me for my first time, his protectiveness over me, the way he read my body and gave me exactly what it needed. It was closer to love than anything I’d had before.

“
Thank you for the date tonight,” I whispered against his lips. I’d felt so cherished and thoroughly cared for that I wanted to tell him I loved him, too, but I didn’t. I just pressed my mouth to his and felt his lips curl in a smile.

“
Thank you for everything. For staying with the boys last night. For giving me time. For being you. I don’t even want to think what my life would be like without you.”

I knew just what he meant. We were good for each other, plain and simple.
Knox pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me believe I was worth something. And I forced him to deal with the pain in his past and examine the damaging coping mechanisms he employed. My life felt fuller and more meaningful than it had in years.

“
I’ll come by tomorrow night after work,” I murmured.

He nodded.
“See you then.”

After walking him out and locking up, I fell into bed, my body heavy and relaxed, and let sleep pull me under.

McKenna

The following morning I was up early, feeling eager to jump into my new life. Of course I had my job at the counseling center and my obligations volunteering, but I was also firm on keeping some of the resolutions I’d made myself and Knox. Beginning with putting myself first. I made an appointment at my gynecologist’s office for later that morning and then drove to a local salon, one of the benefits of still having the rental car. I knew I needed to return it and think about my long-term plans for transportation, but something about having a car in the city felt so decadent after surviving for so long without one.

After getting my hair cut, colored with caramel highlights, and styled into flowing waves, I couldn’t stop touching it and stealing glances at myself in the rearview mirror as I drove. My hair felt so much softer with all the spilt ends cut off. It had taken nearly three hours at the salon, and while that normally would have made me feel guilty and like it was a waste of time and money, today it felt like therapy—something I was supposed to do to take care of myself. I decided my mom would be
thrilled seeing me happy like this. All these years I’d told myself I should keep up my punishing schedule for them, to make sure their deaths were not for nothing. But today, for the first time, I realized both of my parents would have hated the girl I’d become. They would have hated seeing me spent and exhausted, the dark circles under my eyes. I never knew indulging myself could feel so good.

When I arrived at the doctor’s office, I fought off the wave of nerves I experienced walking into the waiting room. I was a twenty-one-year-old woman who needed birth control. This might have been new and scary for me, but I reminded myself that the doctor
had probably seen and heard it all before.

After filling out a stack of forms, a nurse called my name and brought me back to an exam room, where she took my weight and blood pressure, and then asked me to strip completely and dress in a paper robe and wait for the doctor.

I did as instructed, folding my bra and panties and hiding them under my folded jeans, then climbed up onto the exam table, arranging the stiff robe around me.

The doctor knocked once and entered. She was tall and gorgeous with honey-colored skin and long, dark hair. She could have been Beyoncé’s sister, and I felt self-conscious sitting there in my paper outfit. But she immediately put me at ease, explaining that she’d conduct a vaginal exam and Pap smear, and then we’d talk about birth control options.

I leaned back on the table and placed my feet in the stirrups where she directed.

After several seconds and a little pinch, she stood up and removed her gloves. “You look very healthy.”

I didn’t know what a doctor might say while looking at my lady parts, but I supposed healthy was the best thing.

“What kind of protection are you using today?” she asked.

“Condoms.”

“Are you in a monogamous relationship?”

“Yes.” I nodded. I felt confident for the first time since Knox and I had begun seeing each other that this statement was true. I didn’t know if it was possible to be completely cured from sex addiction, or if he still had occasional dark thoughts or struggles, but I felt certain I was the only woman in his bed and in his arms these days.

We discussed the birth control patch, pills, and the shot. I decided to go with the shot, knowing it lasted for three months and wouldn’t be something I had to think about every day. The nurse came in and administered the shot, then I redressed and left, feeling confident and in control of my life for the first time in a long time.

After working my shift at the teen center, I drove to Knox’s place around dinnertime. The boys were gathered around the table, eating when I arrived, and Knox set out an extra plate for me, loading it up with a piece of chicken and potatoes. I loved being here with them and as I ate, I enjoyed their banter. The noise volume was a sharp contrast to my own quiet apartment.

Knox

While we ate, my gaze kept wandering over to McKenna. Last night had been incredible. It had started a little rocky when she’d brought up wanting to give away her inheritance to fund Luke’s education, but it had ended perfectly. Watching McKenna’s confidence grow as she moved above me in bed had been life changing. It had broken something inside me and as worried as I was about admitting my drunk-driving arrest to her, I had to believe that all this would work out.

“
Stop playing with your chicken and eat, Tuck.” I shot my youngest brother a warning glare. The chicken leg I’d put on his plate was currently performing a can-can dance.

Tucker giggled, glancing up at McKenna
, and took a big bite. The little shit. He was flirting with her. She choked on a laugh of her own, covering her mouth with the napkin.

“
Have you filled out your applications yet?” I asked Luke.

He set down his fork, a serious crease between his brows.
“What’s the point, Knox? We can’t afford it.”

I squeezed my fists at my sides.
“Get your damn applications filled out and turned in. I told you I’d worry about the expenses.” Luke needed to do his part and I would figure out a way to do mine, damn it. I was tired of them all doubting me.

McKenna stared down at her plate, looking deep in thought.

Shit
. I was being selfish. McKenna had the money—she wanted to help—and my own insecurities were holding Luke back. This wasn’t about me and my damn ego. Besides, I knew I had bigger things to worry about. My future with McKenna still hung in the balance, if I was being honest with myself. Pushing my plate away, I realized it was time to open up.

After
we’d finished dinner and cleaned up, McKenna followed Tucker upstairs, promising to play superheroes with him before it was time for lights out. It gave me a chance to think about how to put into words what I needed to tell her.

Luke sat at the table with Jax
on’s new laptop, unhappy but filling out his college applications. Jaxon had left, saying he was going out for a couple of hours. It was a school night but he was eighteen now; it wasn’t like there was a lot I could do. As long as he was going to school and getting good grades, I didn’t really care.

I found McKenna perched beside Tucker
’s bed. The bedside lamp glowed softly, illuminating a beautiful sight—a peacefully sleeping little boy, and a woman I adored tucking the blankets securely around him. My heart swelled watching her. Tucker might not know a mother’s love, but I was thankful he had McKenna.

Sensing my presence, she glanced back at the doorway and spotted me. I crossed the room toward them and kissed Tucker
’s forehead. “’Night, buddy,” I whispered. I reached for McKenna’s hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it before pulling her up to stand.

Without releasing my hold on her hand, I led her up the stairs to my bedroom.
“How many books did he make you read him this time?” I asked.

“
None, actually. He just wanted to talk.”

That was interesting. What could my eight
-year-old brother want to talk to her about? I followed her to the edge of the bed and sat down beside her. “What about?”

“
He asked if you and I were going to get married and if I’d be his mommy.”

Holy shit.
“What did you say?”

Her gaze met mine.
“I told him the truth. That I didn’t know, but I would always be there if he needed me.”

I nodded thoughtfully and released a sigh.

“What else could I have said? We haven’t talked about us since I’ve been back.”

It had only been a few days, but she was right. It was an overdue conversation. Still, she was putting me on the spot and she knew it. Her hands were clasped together and her knee was bouncing up and down with nerves. McKenna putting me on the spot took guts
; I’d give her that. And I wanted to talk about all this, I really did, I just thought I’d have more time to plan out what I wanted to say. I still had no fucking clue how she’d react to my drunk-driving conviction.

“
I’ve told you how I felt,” she continued. “I’ve been very open with you.”

Taking a deep breath, I settled my nerves. I laced her fingers between mine and kissed her temple.
“I know. And I shouldn’t have let you leave last time without telling you how I felt. There are things I want to tell you, things I need to say… Fuck.” I tore my hands through my hair, fighting for the right words. Why was this so damn hard for me? It was just as hard telling her about my arrest as it had been telling her about my past with sex. I didn’t want to lose her. Couldn’t.

McKenna
rose from the bed and paced the room, seeming to draw strength and determination with each step she took. “When I met you, I figured you were some sex-loving player, a guy always on the prowl, just looking to hook up with whatever willing girl crossed your path.”

I winced; s
he wasn’t far off the mark.

Stopping at the end of the room to turn around, she continued marching past me.
“But then I got to know you—and the boys—and I realized that you weren’t that guy. I discovered you were this broken man looking for love and affection, but going about it entirely the wrong way.”

She turned again on her heel, looking deep in thought.

Where was she going with all this? I wanted to tell her that loving part of me died. I wouldn’t even know how to get him back, but I knew she was right.

“
McKenna, let me say a few things.” I rose to my feet, facing her.