When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (20 page)

MOM: Plus she needs a jawbone graft and twelve implants. DAD: Must be that new gel toothpaste we’ve been using.

MEMO TO SELF

Here’s a piece of graffiti I saw scrawled in black marking pen on one of those newspaper dispensers you see on New York sidewalks. It said, “Rosie O’Donnell sleeps with her head between a woman’s legs.” I couldn’t help wondering who had written it, and under what circumstances.

I wondered, had someone simply awakened that morning and decided the time had come to share this little tidbit he’d been thinking about for a long time? And had he gone out that day determined to find a good place to write it? And this seemed like the best spot? Was it that simple?

Or was the person just out walking around and had this sudden burst of inspirationsomething he didn’t want to forgetbut didn’t have a piece of paper handy? And why didn’t he take the newspaper dispenser home with him to refer to later?

And I also wondered, if that was it, what kind of person was walking around with one of those thick, felt-tip marking pens in his pocket in the first

place? This wasn’t no Sharpie, folks, this was one of those serious, thick, chisel-tip pens that gets you high if you leave it open too long.

Its thoughts of this sort that seriously limit the size of my circle of friends.

ANSWER THIS, YOU PRICK

(Drum roll)

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your announcer, Dondelayo Prell. Join us now as we play America’s favorite game. Answer This, You Prick! The show where folks just like you, although, perhaps, less attractive, have a chance to win fabulous prizes. And now here’s America’s favorite prick, Anthony Boff.

(Applause, cymbal crash)

BOFF: Hi, folks. I’m your genial host, Anthony Boff. Our jackpot today is one hundred and eleven dollars, plus a trip up north. Let’s meet our first two contestants, Clark Fark and Dolly Drelman. What do you do, Clark?

BOFF: Well, you sound like interesting people. Let’s get right to our game. Just before airtime, a short backstage shoving match determined that Clark would get the first question. So here it is. Are you ready, Clark?

BOFF: Okay. Remember, the category is “People.” Now then, Clark Fark, as America watches, please . . . answer this, you prick!

(Sound of a clock ticking)

Damon and Sylvia Prongster live in Thighmaster, Maine, on the corner of Watkins and Schermerhorn. Last Tuesday, at six in the evening, a brown Chevrolet drove past their house. What was the name of the last mechanic to change the oil on that car, and what was the name of his grandfather’s first-grade teacher? You have three seconds.

(Music and ticking)

BOFF: Oh, I’m awfully sorry, Clark. Your answer is incorrect. The correct answer is Dudley Manoosh and Clara Wheatley.

FARK: Well, I just took a wild guess. DOLLY: I knew that answer. BOFF: Not fuckin’ likely, Dolly. FARK: I agree, Mr. Boff. I think she’s full of shit.

BOFF: Clark, I’m awfully sorry you did such a poor job. I see your family in our audience and they look ashamed. But you do win a roll of quarters and the home version of teacher-approved Answer This, You Prick! Play it with your kids. And we’ll add a dollar to our jackpot, bringing our total to one hundred and twelve dollars. It his too late for us to get to Dolly Drelman, but that’s just too bad for her. Don’t forget to join us again in June or May to play Ansiver This, You Prick! when one of our main questions will be “Who was the first person to strangle someone he had known for more than six years?’ Goodnight, everybody.

ANNOUNCER: Guests on Answer This, You Prick! receive a framed picture of Henry Kissinger and stay at the luxurious Hotel for the Malformed in downtown Watsonville. Watsonville: the last place you wanna be.

(Music, applause up and out)

THREE SHORT CONVERSATIONS BLESS ME, FATHER

PENITENT: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Yesterday, I killed my third priest in a month. The first time it scared me. The second time I had no feelings at all. The third time … I actually began to like it.

THANKSGIVING, IN THE KITCHEN

BART: You look great in that dress, Marian. Really sexy. I was thinkin’, if, God forbid, something ever happened to Joe and Estelle, I’d sure like to spend some time with you.

BART: Really? Look, maybe we wouldn’t have to wait for something to happen to Joe and Estelle. Whaddya think?

WALK/DON’T WALK

SID: It’s the strangest thing. He was walkin’ down Fifth Avenue on his way to Times Square. He took a right at Forty-second Street and headed over to Broadway. He was just strollin’ along, mindin’ his own business, when suddenly a big chunk of concrete fell on him and crushed him to death.

SID: I know. I woulda taken a right at Fiftieth Street, gone over to Broadway and then headed down to Times Square.

UNCLE LOCHINVAR

Uncle Lochinvar, although a moral vegetarian who only ate meat if the animal had died in its sleep, once punched out his twin daughters because they wouldn’t lend him fifteen cents. He could speak seven languages, but unfortunately, he was disliked in all those countries. His hobby was visiting cemeteries in poor areas and guessing which people had the worst lives. He fell in love with a fish dentist named Chiquita, and a week later she died from using infected toilet paper while watching a TV show called Progress in Medicine. Inconsolable, Lochinvar, after composing his own epitaph, “Believe me, I wasn’t a schmuck,” died as part of a group-enema suicide pact.

UNCLE SHERLOCK

Uncle Sherlock was a proctologist’s mate in the navy who fought in Korea and the Philippines. Unfortunately, it was just last year and he was jailed in both countries. He was the only man ever brought before the World Court for unpaid parking tickets. His personal checks did not depict nature scenes, they showed animal euthanasia and the Allied fire-bombing of Dresden. During a bungee jump, he fell in love with a Dutch courtroom artist and they were mar

ried in a windmill the next day, during a relative calm. They drifted apart when he realized that all she wanted to do was sit for hours and listen to skiing on the radio. Later he moved to Milan and was killed when a riot broke out at the La Scala candy counter during the second act of Rigoletto.

UNCLE DAGWOOD

Uncle Dagwood was a fun guy. He once claimed the most difficult thing he ever did was to take a shit in a phone booth without removing his overcoat. He met his wife, Spatula, at a UFO convention where she was conducting a basketball clinic for abductees. The instant they met, Dagwood knew she was his kind of woman: She had peach preserves in her hair and brown gravy caked on her neck. Spatula worked for years as an unregistered nurse and eventually ran off with an ironmonger. She and her new lover, Rolf, died in a blimp fire over Newfoundland, and Dagwood was killed in a Barcalounger, having rough sex with a Norwegian fisherman.

UNCLE LUCIFER

Uncle Lucifer was my most interesting uncle. He was an elk hunter, but he wouldn’t kill the elk. Instead, he would chase it down, knock it to the ground and suck all the gristle out of its neck through a Donald Duck straw. He was fun to be with; he could eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup and then vomit up the vowels and consonants separately. His hobby was attending reunions of groups he never belonged to and pretending to be people who were long dead. Till the end of his days, Lucifer remained bitter that when he was a boy there had been no seedless red grapes. He died in

an Indiana furniture outlet when he was torn to pieces by a pack of Cape hunting dogs.

CHILD CARE TIP

Never use a hammer to smooth out the lumps on a newborn baby’s head. Instead, wrap a soft, clean cloth around a ten-inch length of wood and pound each lump repeatedly until the larger ones are gone and the area is smooth. Follow up by rubbing vigorously with a wire brush. Remember, never use a hammer on a child of any age, especially an infant.

ANCHORMAN: From the Nursery Newsroom, this is Keith Blanchgetter. A mystery on the West Side today with the apparent death of the beloved Humpty Dumpty. We begin our Action Central News team coverage tonight with Joanie Wong at the scene of the tragedy.

WONG: Thank you. Dan. Well, it’s true, Humpty Dumpty is dead. The cause of death was apparently a great fall from this wall behind me.

WONG: Well, as you can see, police have taped off the area and are treating it as a crime scene, and no one seems to know why. According to one eyewitness, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, but were unable to do so. We have with us now one of the king’s men. What is your name sir?

KING’S MAN: That is correct. My partner and I responded to a 10-43. That’s an egg-ona-wall.

KINGS MAN: Right. It’s a routine call, we get them all the time. Usually, by the time we arrive the egg is gone. Or else we arrive and the egg is intoxicated and we have to remove him.

either fell or jumped. There’s a chance he was pushed; we can’t rule it out.

KING’S MAN: That is correct. Crime-scene people are checking the area for trace evidence. Hair and fibers, stuff like that.

WONG: We’ve been told that all the kings horses and all the king’s men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

KING’S MAN: That’s not completely true. Some of the king his horses and a few of the king’s men. But not all. The king has a lot of horses and men. They re needed for parades.

KING’S MAN: No. He never had a chance. His yolk was broken. Once the yolk is gone on these eggs, it’s all over.

KING’S MAN: We’re developing leads at this time, questioning some other eggs who were seen with him earlier today. Apparently, there was some drinking going on at a picnic. All in all, we’re told there were about a dozen eggs out there, and I guess it got pretty rowdy. They were singing dirty songs and harassing females.

KING’S MAN: We’re asking people who may have information to call our tip-line, 800-429-EGGS. All calls will be held in strict confidence.

WONG: Thank you for talking with us, Officer Dooley. Well, that’s it from the scene, Keith. Humpty Dumpty dead, at the bottom of a wall. Now let’s send it over to Marcia Lopez at the Dumpty family residence. Marcia?

LOPEZ: Thank you, Joanie. I’m standing here with Humpty’s best friend, Vinny Omeletta. Vinny, what kind of an egg was he?

OMELETTA: Easygoing. Nice guy. One time, when some kids were teasing him about being’ fat, he bought ‘em all an ice cream.

OMELETTA: I don’t know. I saw him just yesterday, he was fine. I told him to stay off that wall. It’s not safe, some of those bricks are loose. But he was headstrong; he never listened.

LOPEZ: Thank you, Vinny. We’re going to talk now with his widow, Arlene Dumpty. Mrs. Dumpty, thanks for taking a moment with us. This must be a very difficult time for you.

MRS. DUMPTY: Yes. I’m still in shock. My thoughts are all scrambled. LOPEZ: How did you feel when you found out he was dead? MRS. DUMPTY: It was no fun, I can tell you that. He was a good egg. LOPEZ: What do you suppose he was doing on the wall?

MRS. DUMPTY: He went up there all the time. He would just sit there and think. He was very deep. For an egg.