Where did your heart go? (The Heart Trilogy Book 1) (26 page)

“I lo
ve you, I believe you” I whispered as I looked into his eyes and all I could see was love burning brightly there.

As James drifted into sleep I lay there awake for a while as I mulled the situation over for a final time before I drifted off. However I only found nightmares when my eyes were closed. Felicity had hold of James and was taunting me with the words ‘He’s mine now’ ‘He’s mine now’ I woke up sweating and carefully pulled James’ arms around me as I tried to dispel the awful scene that I had just seen in my dreams.

I reached for the tissues as I mirrored the tears of Maverick on the screen as he cried over the death of Goose. I cried for all the good times I had shared with James, all the love that he had given me and I had reciprocated for that short period of time. I cried as I recalled the hurt he had caused me and it felt as though my wounds deliberately started to throb in time with my heart.

Chapter 30

After tea Mitch and Charlie excused themselves and headed upstairs to his room to watch Dirty Dancing again
and to really analyse the routine at the end. As the storyline unfolded on screen Charlotte was transported into the scenes, except that Johnny looked more like Mitch and she was Baby. He reached over and grasped her hand in his as they watched the romance unfold and all the dances in between. They both leaned forward at the end from the point where Johnny says ‘no body puts baby in the corner’ as they launched into the final dance of the film.

“I want to start now” Charlie breathed at the end, as she wiped away the tears that always fell when she watched this film.

“Me too but I think we should wait until tomorrow as I still have to show you my studio” Mitch replied

“What you have your own studio? Where is it? Can’t I see it now?” Charlie begged “Is it far away?”

Mitch paused for a moment and then relented and grabbed her hand “It’s not far at all” he replied as he pulled her off the bed.

“What about shoes” she said, as they left the bedroom and headed for the stairs.

“You won’t need them” he replied as they headed through the kitchen and to a door that linked to the garage.
Opening it Mitchell flicked the switch and Charlie was confronted by a wooden floor, wall to ceiling mirrors along the one side and even a bar. Speakers hung from the ceiling and a top of the range music centre was in the far corner.

“Wow” she breathed as she stepped into her perfect world.

“Welcome to my studio” Mitch replied “Hope you like it?”

“I love it, it’s fantastic” Charlie replied, as he pulled her further into the room and spun her around before bringing her close for a kiss.

“Come on then” she finally said, in between kisses “Let’s get started”

“You are an eager pupil” Mitch remarked as he let her go and crossed the room to the stereo. As she removed her socks she realised how cold the floor was.

“I might just need to go and get my dance pumps” she said

“Well, I need to get out of my jeans so I’ll bring them down with me, anything else you need?”

“No, I think I’m ok with my leggings and t-shirt thanks” Charlie replied, smiling as the music from the film started to pour out of the speakers and straight into her skin.

“Back in five” Mitchell said “I’ll leave you to start warming up” he finished.

She watched him head back through the door and then she walked over to the bar and started to bend and stretch to warm up her muscles. Then as the music surrounded her and in bedded in her pores she closed her eyes and started to dance around the room. Her feet no longer felt cold against the wood as she imagined that she was Baby. She was so wrapped up in her movements that she failed to hear Mitchell return until she felt his firm hands on her waist. She didn’t need to open her eyes or stop moving as his hands held her firmly and his body brushed hers. Instinctively they moved together in time with the music. Finally the song ended and Charlie opened her eyes to find she was staring up into Mitchell’s.

“That was great” he breathed “We really work well together”

“Yeah” Charlie replied “So where shall we start then?”

“Here I think
” Mitch said as his lips found hers “I’m sure I saw some kissing in their routine” he murmured.

However before they could get too carried away the next song started and they decided that dancing was what they wanted to do. After another warm up session to the next song, Charlie had her pumps on and they forwarded the tracks to the one they really needed to start on. Grabbing his phone Mitchell pulled up the video clip from the film and they had a quick watch again before they began. Most of the steps were fairly easy but it was getting them in time with the music that would take more practice and also the lift was going to take trust and judgement.

They had just finished the song for about the sixth time when the garage door opened and in bounded Jester followed by James.

“I’m jus
t off to bed you guys it’s gone one” he said.

“Nigh
t Dad” Mitch replied “We’re about to call it quits anyway”

“Night Mr Cooke”
Charlotte said, smiling whilst wiping the sweat out of her eyes.

“Just call me Jim
” he replied and then he was gone. As Charlotte sank to the floor Jester padded over and put his head in her lap and sank down.

“He definitely likes you” Mitch replied as he sat down on her other side and rested his head on her shoulder

“What Jester?”

“No my Dad well and Jester and
I definitely like you too” he breathed, as she turned to him and his lips came down to meet hers.

“Shall we head up?” Mitch asked “We are going to have a long day of this tomorrow”

“Yeah” replied Charlotte, suddenly realising how exhausted she was now that she had stopped moving for longer than five minutes.

After they had put Jester to bed they headed upstairs.

“Is it ok for me to have a quick shower?”
Charlotte asked.

“Sure I’ll have one after you” he finished as they separated on the landing and Charlie headed for the bathroom. She quickly located a towel in the airing cupboard and stripped off her sweaty clothes
. Under the warm stream of water she thought about how far they had managed to get in only a few hours, it was as if their bodies had been made to dance with one another. She lathered up well with her new vanilla scented shower gel and then cleaned her teeth, hoping more kissing would take place. As she dried off and wrapped the towel around her she suddenly thought about the sleeping arrangements. She had never shared a bed with a guy before, let alone one she fancied like crazy, would she be able to resist going further than she wanted to at this stage?

Mitch was wearing his dressing gown when she entered his room and after a quick peck on the lips as they passed he headed for the bathroom too. Charlotte had packed her shorts and vest set so she put them on, sprayed liberally with deodorant and some perfume and then dived under the duvet. Which side should she be on? Which side would he want to sleep? What would he wear? Yawning she closed her eyes while she waited for him to return from the bathroom and within a couple of seconds she had fallen asleep.

The next thing Charlotte was aware of was the sunlight flooding through the curtains and a heavy arm draped over her. It startled her at first but then she remembered where she was and as she relaxed back she felt the firmness of Mitch’s body curled up behind her. She was still wearing her night clothes and although Mitch’s chest was bare she could feel that he was wearing pyjama bottoms. Oh god, how could she have fallen asleep on him, well not even on him but before he returned from the shower. He must have felt her stir for all of a sudden the arm tightened around her and she felt his soft breath on the nape of her neck as he kissed her and her body leapt into life.

“Morning sleepyhead” he murmured
.

“Morning Mitch, sorry about last night I didn’t mean to fall asleep” she replied, as she wiggled round so that she lay facing him.

“It’s ok, you looked so sweet last night, snoring softly that I just curled up next to you”

“I was not snoring” she retorted, punching him lightly on the arm as she responded to his remark.

“I think you were” he replied, smugly as he pulled her close “I’ll record it on my phone next time so they’ll be no arguments” he laughed and then before she could say anything more his lips claimed hers in what could only be described as the best morning kiss she had ever experienced. When they eventually pulled apart she was breathless from the force of his kisses, her lips felt bruised but the rest of her burned with desire?

They heard sounds from the landing and realised that the rest of the household were awake so they reluctantly got up and Charlie headed for the bathroom, suddenly shy in the presence of such male nakedness. When she returned Mitch was already dressed in a pair of jogging pants and a vest top, ready for the dancing that lay ahead.

“Coffee?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a bit” she finished, as she watched him head out of the door, tipping her a cheeky wink as he left. She smiled as she found her leotard and footless tights and slipped them on, and then she shrugged on her long woolly jumper and headed down to the kitchen. She paused at the door, this whole thing felt so strange yet so right. To be standing and walking in all the places where her Mum had been twenty four years ago made her mind flip over and she couldn’t help but believe that somehow this was meant to be. She was meant to bring her Mum back to the person who had loved her all those years ago.

The kitchen was a hive of industry as she sat down next to Mitch whilst his Dad fed the toaster with a mountain of bread.

“Hope you are hungry?” he asked them all, as Darren appeared and sat down opposite them.

“What were you two up to last night?” he grinned

“Just dancing” Mitch replied, as he reached over and squeezed
Charlotte’s hand beneath the table.

“Yeah right” he smirked “When will you be needing a camera man then?” he finished.

“Probably not until this evening and maybe not until tomorrow morning, depends on how things go today” Mitch replied, as he reached for a piece of toast.

“You must try and get some fresh air and show Charlotte our town” James said, as he sat down opposite Charlie and she noticed his stare and the slight shake of his head as he tried desperately not to remember Stephanie. This girlfriend of his son’s looked just like her except for the colour of her eyes. James supposed that it was quite possible for his son to choose someone with similarities to his true love, even though Mitchell had never seen a picture of her. In fact James wished he still had the St Christopher that she had given him. He had lost it just before his marriage to Felicity, or most probably she had thrown it away in spite. How could he have been so stupid and blind to her plans and guiles? He had discarded the best thing in his life or had he? James considered as he looked across at Mitchell and then next to him Darren; his sons.

His sons had always been his life until this point. He could see that Darren and his girlfriend Sophie were happy together and busy saving to get a place of their own. Now Mitchell was sitting opposite him with a beautiful young girl at his side and his own life ahead of him. They would both be leaving sooner or later and he would be alone. James didn’t want to be alone anymore, he had learnt a lot about that during his relatively short marriage. He wanted the love he saw in his son’s eyes, he wanted what he had felt with Stephanie but had been too young and foolish at the time to protect. He knew he had hurt her when he finished things, could he repair that hurt? Could he find that again with someone special? Could he find Stephanie and would she need him? or even want him? She was probably happily married and living the life he knew she had been capable of all those years ago.

“Dad” Mitchell said, interrupting any further thoughts “Dad we’re off to practice in the garage” he said, as James looked up and saw his son hand in hand with Charlotte.

“Yes, s
ure” he replied. Thinking back to a name he had heard a long time ago ‘Charlotte’. He recalled the conversation he had shared with Stephanie when she had remarked that Charlotte Cooke was a great name if they ever had a child together. Her belief in their future had frightened him back then. James listened as the music started up as he set about the usual chores and then headed out to get some shopping. He hoped that Charlotte liked Spaghetti Bolognese as that was on the menu for tonight and if she was anything like Mitch a day of dancing made you ravenous.

Chapter 31

As I climbed the stairs to bed I held the diary in my hands, part of me wanted to just put it back into my daughter’s room but in the end I kept it with me and once I was under the covers I continued to read.
I wondered what Charlie was doing at Mitchell’s house? Was she being sensible with her heart?

Sunday 2
nd
October, 1988

After a sleepless night filled with worries and despair I awoke to a kiss from James and immediately felt better as my hands pulled him close and our tongues collided hungrily. I wanted him to know that I loved him with every inch of my body and mind. I manoeuvred into place on top of him and as I could feel he was already hard and I was most definitely wet I lowered myself down upon him and started to ride. Slowly at first but then faster and faster until neither of us was in control of our bodies, they were in control of us. His finger reached down and found my nub of pleasure and he started to stroke it slowly as I ground myself harder onto him. I was pulsing as I bit my lip to stop myself from screaming as the sensations started to become almost too much to bear. Pushing us harder and faster to the point of no return and then further. I had read about multiple orgasms but knowing how difficult it was to just experience one I was sure they didn’t exist until this moment of pure pleasure.

As our worlds collided and spun us out of control into a space filled with love, lust and desire all rolled into a ball of light. I let myself surrender to the waves that crashed through my body over and over again and left me a wreck in his arms. We lay there not able to move or even speak but with his arms wrapped tightly around me I again felt safe and secure in our love. Pushing the covers off our hot and sweaty bodies the coolness enveloped them and helped us return to earth.

“Till the end of time” James murmured as we drifted together.

“You take my breath away” I replied, grazing his lips with mine. I could still taste the faint tang of blood from where I had bitten down earlier.

We spent a lazy day around the house as the weather was still wet and wild. After Sunday lunch with his Peter and Pam I reluctantly packed my bag and we drove back to my place. Although I always enjoyed any drive sat next to James I also hated the ones that tore us apart at the end. Why was life so unfair to have separated us all those months ago so we had to take the pleasure when we could and deal with the pain for the rest of the time in between? After spending a final couple of hours together in my room just smooching we had to say goodbye again. How I hated goodbyes as I stood once more on the doorstep of my home and watched the red of his tail lights disappear into the darkness of the night.

Then I returned to my room and buried my head in my pillow and cried once again. How many tears of pain had fallen from them? How many more were to come before I could at last claim my life as my own and be with James forever. Rick Astleys’s voice through my speakers both calmed and consoled me as I vowed that my life would be as wonderful as music proclaimed it to be.

I sat back and closed the diary and considered the lines I had written back then. How naive I had been at sixteen, so full of certainty that my life would work out as I had planned it in my dreams. I thought about my daughter Charlotte and hoped that she would not be the same, although first love was an extremely powerful drug to resist.

I remembered back to the night that Mark had proposed to me. We had been on holiday together in France strolling along a moonlit beach when he had dropped to his knees in front of me and popped the ultimate question. I had said yes immediately, even though my heart had dredged up the memories of another beach in another time and place. I had left my heart drawn there in the sand, it had been swept away and I had tried to reclaim it but the tides were relentless.

Mark had been a kind and caring friend, he had always wanted more as I had seen it in his eyes. Eyes were like the windows of a person’s soul and if you looked close enough you could see what they were thinking and feeling deep down. My eyes had been like that until the moment my world had almost ended; then they became hazy and dark. I shaded my thoughts and smothered my feelings to keep the pain away. I had leaned on Mark as you would a good friend and although we had kissed and made love it had always felt like a pale comparison to what I had felt before. It was as though my world had been in colour and then faded into black and white and there had been no way to save myself from this fear that evaded my every waking moment.

Mark and I had hung out with Sarah and Chris and I guessed that to all eyes we looked like the perfect couple. We had been joined together in the one act that I had committed after the bells had chimed in the start of a new year. None of us had ever talked about it much since then, yet it had hung between us. Even now I would catch Sarah’s gaze at my scars and see her shudder from the memories. I had side stepped questions from my curious daughter over the years yet if I continued to let her read this diary she would soon know what I had done. Would it upset her to know how I had really felt about her father, would it save her from falling too deeply or was that just a risk that everyone took in their lives?

Turning off the lights I lay there alone in my bed and wondered if my life would have been different if I hadn’t fallen in love at sixteen, if I had somehow waited until I was older would it have felt better or different? Then as sleep finally claimed me I was once again on the beach in the sun, James beside me as I laughed and drew the heart in the sand. My body tingled slightly as I remembered our time together in the hotel room and then in the moonlit garden for his twenty first birthday. As my dream continued I was back in that garden searching through the leaves of the apple trees, searching for a man of forty five who held my heart with his. This man would always have a part of me with him and I would always be searching for it. My bare feet crept between the shards of broken mirror that littered the lawn and lay intermingled with droplets of blood and a ripped up invitation.

Even in sleep I couldn’t escape my memories as they fell like grains of sand through the hourglass of my life and my tears fell and stained my pillow once more. When I woke up the next morning I noticed that my scar was red and angry as I realised that I must have been rubbing it whilst I slept. Pulling on my jeans and jumper I decided to head out for a walk and a swim to clear my head of all the dreams and nightmares of last night. It would serve me right for drinking a whole bottle of wine alone.

Once in town I bought a bottle of water from the supermarket and then headed into the leisure centre car park and walked towards the faded façade of the pool and realised that it looked like I felt – unloved. As I climbed the steps and entered the doors I realised that I had hadn’t been here for ages. It had always been the one place where I felt safe and calm. As I changed into my swimsuit I heard voices laughing from the poolside and spotted a couple of girls about seventeen or eighteen chatting to the lifeguard as he tried to remain alert despite this distraction. I grinned as I dived into the cool water and ploughed up and down between the other swimmers. The monotony of the task in hand helped to sooth my mind as I swam a mile. I pulled into the side and relaxed before I did the final length to get out. As I did this I dived under at a particular spot and closing my eyes remembered my first kiss, the sweetest kiss of all. First love never died it was just supposed to fade happily into people’s memories.

Leaving the pool car park I turned and looked back at the point where James used to stand and wave when we had first met. Smiling I headed back home to change and head into work, suddenly feeling that life was not too bad after all. I had the whole day ahead of me, a couple of hours doing the Saturday Request Fest on Love Shack Radio and then out to the local Chinese with Jack, Paul and Ian who I worked with now at the station. It was always a good night out with the lads. I quickly grabbed my phone and dropped Charlie a text asking if she was ok and what time would she be home on Sunday. I put the phone away in my bag knowing that I would be lucky to get a reply until this evening at the earliest but somehow I knew that she was going to be fine. There was definitely something about Mitchell that was so familiar and safe. Perhaps it was because he reminded me of James so much.

After my radio show I arranged to meet the guys outside the restaurant at seven and then headed home to get changed. I quickly checked my phone and saw a text from Charlie “Hi Mum, all great thanks off to do more dancing will text tomorrow and let you know when I am heading home. Later x” I dropped her a quick text back and then jumped in the shower. The meal was fantastic and the company even better as we laughed about all the strange requests that found their way to air. We discussed the ‘Rock on the River’ event at length and surrounded by my friends I suddenly felt that life was worth living again.

This project was just what I needed and perhaps if I could move on then I could find happiness again. Jack kissed me goodbye before I headed home.

“Are you ok?” he asked
, before we parted “You seemed a little quiet tonight”

“Yeah, think so
it’s just been strange in the house without Charlie around”

“
Where is she?” Jack asked.

“Up in Warwickshire with her new boyfriend Mitchell”

“Don’t you like him? Or trust her?” he asked.

“No it’s not that he’s a lovely guy but he really reminds me of James, you remember James don’t you?” I asked
.

“Yeah, that hot
guy you were dating when we worked together” Jack replied

“Is that a bad thing then?”

“No, but it’s bringing back all these memories that I thought I had left behind” I sighed, as Jack pulled me in for a hug.

“It will be ok, you’re a great woman and if I wasn’t gay I’d fancy you myself, you should get back on the dating scene ag
ain you shouldn’t be alone” Jack said, as I hugged him back.

“Well, maybe I will” I replied,
“but the main thing is working on our fundraising event it’s going to be huge” I finished.

“Sure will” Jack
replied “Now get going and I’ll see you soon, you should pop in the hospital sometime” he finished

“Yeah, definately
” I said, realising that I hadn’t been back there since Mark was stabbed in the car park. That was another ghost I had to lay to rest in order to move on with my life.

I watched as Jack headed off as I turned towards my driveway and my home. The diary would be back in Charlotte’s room tonight as it was not going to bring me anymore nightmares and I hoped that once my daughter had read the final entries we could move on with our lives.