Where I Found My Heart (4 page)

Chapter 9

We stepped outside the side door and walked, or should I say ‘I tried to walk’, down the street to where Libby parked her car. I climbed in slowly and looked around. It’s been so long since I was outside on the street where I lived. The sinking sun was warm on my face as I looked up through the window.

“Relax.” Libby said as she put her hand on top of mine. I hadn’t noticed my fingers tightly clutched around each other. “You need this.” She squeezed my hand again, “hell, we both need this.”

I turned to look at her and noticed that she too was a little nervous. I found myself staring. My stomach knotted up.

“What’s the matter?” she asked as though she could feel the tension building in the confined space.

“Nothing…it’s just that you look…I haven’t seen you in a long time.” I covered.

“Get used to it. I plan on doing this at least once a week.”

I swallowed hard. I was relieved I didn’t say it out loud, but it was jolting to look at Libby. She and Dylan look so much alike. I felt my chest constrict as my heart skipped a beat or two.

I’m doing this for you Dylan.

After driving for twenty minutes, we pulled up out front of a beautiful quaint looking restaurant. It was a large bright white building with a modern balcony wrapped around the second floor housing several tables for dining al fresco. We walked up the long wide staircase and was met by a rather handsome man, tall, dark skinned, warm brown eyes and long black hair, who opened the door for us.

“Thank you.” We both chimed.

“Welcome to Adelphia ladies.” He smiled broadly, his voice smooth.

“We have a reservation for two. McAdams.” Libby announced.

My heart jumped. I hadn't heard anyone say that name in so long. I tried my best to shake it off. After all the trouble Libby went through to take me out, I at least owed her a pleasant dinner. No talk about what happened. I was determined there will be no heartbreak tonight. There was plenty of time to go back to feeling sorry for myself tomorrow. Tonight was Libby’s…and mine.

“We’d like to have a drink at the bar first, we’re early.”

He swung his arm towards the bar. “I will let you know when your table is ready.”

“Thank you.”

We both climbed up onto the cushioned stools.

“What do you want to drink?”

“Manhattan?” I asked.

“Two Manhattans’ please.” Libby held two fingers up as she spoke to the bartender.

“Of course, any preference of bourbon?”

“Blanton’s if you have it.”

“We do. Two Manhattan’s.” He tapped the bar with his hand before going off to make our drinks.

I looked around the room admiring the airy light feeling.

“Mmm. Light and airy.”

“What?” Libby asked.

“I didn’t think I said that out loud.”

“You did…but,” She looked around the room, “you’re right. It is light and airy.”

The walls were white and filled with tasteful pictures of the Greek Islands. There was a large mural on one wall of the coastline and the small homes dotted up the mountain. Wisteria flowering and climbing up the façade of the bright white homes with bright blue roofs. Towards the back of the restaurant were several large four-poster seating areas with elegant mosquito netting surrounding each one. A dotting of tables with long bench seating covered in bright blue cushions.

“That’s where we’re going after dinner. There is another bar back there and there’s live music. I reserved a table to the side.” She pointed to the far left rear of the room. “Like that one.”

I felt a twittering in my stomach and knew the butterflies were getting ready for an all out attack. Libby must have seen the look on my face.

“Don’t be nervous. It’s just us. I promise. Here have a sip.” She pushed my glass towards me.

I lifted the drink to my lips and relaxed as the cool bourbon slid through my mouth making a heated trail to my stomach. Libby talked about her day and the people we worked with as only Libby could. She has a great sense of humor and was great at telling a story. It’s an Irish thing. Runs in the family. Dylan was just like her. Although she was officially older, by eight minutes, than her brother, they shared so many of the same traits.

I told her about dropping my card case during my big outing to the supermarket and she laughed when I told her about the guy who found it on the floor, but wasn’t sure it was mine as he looked between me and the picture on my license, then laughed at my expense. Libby is still laughing.

“Ladies. Your table is ready if you are.” We both turned to find the tall, dark, handsome man who had greeted us standing with two menus and a wine list in his arm.

“We are.” Libby said as she stood. I stood and grabbed my drink.

“You may leave those there and I’ll have someone bring them right over.”

We were led to a table next to the window and sat.

It looked to be the best table in the restaurant. It certainly had the best view. Chester is a hilly picturesque town. It’s known for its park like streets and open spaces and its quaint shops and restaurants. Our table looked out onto the park with a large stream rippling over stones on it’s way downhill. It was quite a serene location and I felt myself begin to relax…really relax.

“I told you this would be good for you. Look at you. You’re positively glowing.”

I felt flush, but I attributed that to the drink. Which, by the way, is my new favourite too.

We had a seafood tower, with crabmeat, shrimp, small lobster tails and a scallop ceviche. It was delicious. Next was a Mediterranean salad with chopped cucumber, chopped fresh tomatoes, red onion and fresh parsley. All tossed with a fresh lemon Greek dressing.

I let Libby chose my main course for me. The menu was overwhelming. I wanted one of everything. I hadn’t eaten like this, in what seems like, forever. My taste buds were in heaven.

We switched to Champagne with dinner. It was ‘lighter and compliments the entrees better’.
From her lips, really
.

Libby’s family isn’t wealthy. I mean they do well for themselves. They own a large landscaping business in Bernardsville and a twenty-acre nursery. That’s where I met Dylan.

I worked there one summer when I was home from college and we…let’s say it was destiny and leave it at that. We were married after graduation and he worked with his family while I went to grad school.

I love growing things. Flowers. Vegetables. Plants. It grows…I love it. I majored in horticulture and planned on working in the green houses with…

“What are you thinking about. You look serious.”

“Nothing.” I lied.

“No serious thoughts tonight. Just light, airy, fun times.”

“Yes ma’am.” I mockingly saluted her and we both laughed.

“How are we getting home after all these wonderful drinks?”

“Dave.”

“What?” I was frozen. I didn’t want to see anyone. Dave is Dylan and Libby’s younger brother. I didn’t want to see anyone. I know I said that already.

“Dave is coming with Jerry. Then Dave is taking us home and Jerry is following in Dave’s car.”

I thought about this for a second, realized there really wasn’t a choice, then swatted at the air. “Light airy fun.” I proclaimed.

Libby lifted her drink. “To light airy fun!”

“Well, hello. It’s nice to see you again.”

I didn’t fully grasp what was happening. One minute I was toasting to ‘light, airy fun’, and the next minute I looked up to find Mr. Jolting Blue Eyes standing at the end of our table. I quickly looked at Libby, in hopes she knew what was happening. Then back to blue eyes.

“Excuse me?” I was truly confused.

“Well, it’s good to see you’re looking more like yourself tonight.”

I got the reference right away. And by the smirk on Libby’s face, she got it too.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…and it’s…it’s rude to interrupt people’s dinner.” I felt flush. The heat rose from my chest up to my forehead. I knew everyone saw it, which caused me to get redder.

“I haven’t had the pleasure.” Libby said.

Oh, shut up Libby. I want him to go away. Remember Light, airy fun?

He had the audacity to hold his hand out to Libby.

“Hi. I’m Mark. I, um, met, I guess you can say met,” he stared at me then turned back to Libby. I think at this point I was crimson. That would be a good description, color wise.

“Reny.” Libby interjected, giving this stranger my name.

“Libby!” I was mortified.

He shook her hand. “Nice to meet you Libby.” Then he turned to me, “and it’s nice to put a beautiful name to an even more beautiful face. Reny.” He let go of Libby, who, by the way, was enjoying this immensely, and turned to me, his hand extended.

I clasped my hands together and looked up at him. I was trying to make a point. Being defiant.

He smiled.

Let me note here that he was very, very good looking.

“Well, I’m sorry to have interrupted your meal. But I had to see if you were indeed you.” He looked at me.

“I am. Thank you.”

He laughed. It was that same laugh as when he looked between my license and me, and again when my card case fell through the hole in my jacket.

“Enjoy the rest of your meal ladies. Libby…Reny…it was nice to meet you both.” He turned and walked away. Where he went I didn’t care, as long as it was not here.

“Well, looks like you made quite an impression.”

“That’s insane. Do you know how insane you sound right now?”

“Yup.”

“I never ‘met’ him before. The nerve, to walk up to us and start a conversation. Jesus.”

“Oh relax Ren, he was harmless. Not to mention he’s really hot.” She smirked.

“Good, you can have him.”

“I don’t think Josh would like that.”

Josh was Libby’s long time boyfriend. They have been together since college and are literally perfect together. I knew they were planning on announcing their engagement when Dylan….

Dylan even loved him and that’s saying a lot, as Dylan typically doesn’t let just any guy near his sister—protective brother and all that.

“Ren, I will say this once, then it’s right back to light, airy fun. Okay?”

“I have a feeling I’m not going to like this.”

“Ren, you are young. You are beautiful. Dylan has been gone for a little over a year now. You need to get out and start your life again. There I said it.” She raised her hand to the waiter who came over right away. “Two more champagnes please.”

“Of course,” he said as he walked away.

“God I love waiters.”

“Libby you are nuts.”

The waiter returned with our drinks and placed them down.

“Thank you.” Libby said as she raised her glass. “Come on.” She insisted. “To light, airy fun.”

“Light, airy fun.” I repeated, and then I proceeded to nearly drain the glass.

“Whoa. You will feel that tomorrow.” Libby laughed.

“That’s okay. It’ll be a reminder to never listen to you again.” I had a serious look on my face and I could see Libby looking at me, wondering if I was serious. “I’m kidding Libby.” She relaxed right away. “But I’ll be damned if I’m doing this once a week.”

We both laughed.

“Okay, maybe I was a bit overzealous.” She snickered, “but look at all the fun we’re having.”

“Yes, light, airy fun.” The ridiculousness of the words wasn’t lost on me.

We finished our dinner and then we were led inside to our table where we lounged while sipping more bubbly. I was feeling all sorts of woozy. After all, I haven’t had this much alcohol in quite some time…if you don’t count the times I drank whatever was available in the house just to pass out.

And as Libby said earlier, Dave was there, waiting downstairs in the car as we both slowly descended the stairs each of us holding on to the handrails. He jumped out of the car, followed closely by Jerry and ‘assisted’ us into the vehicle.

I fell asleep on Libby’s shoulder, and I barely remember going to sleep. But when I woke the next morning, I was in my pajama pants and a tee shirt. Libby was lying next to me wearing a pair of my pj’s. I got up and went to the bathroom. That was when I made the mistake of looking in the mirror when I was washing my hands.

Can you say Medusa?

Chapter 10

I walked back into the bedroom and over to the other side of the bed.

“Morning sunshine.” I said loudly.

“Uhhh.” Libby rolled over and placed the pillow over her head.

“Time to rise and shine Ms. Light and Airy.” I let out a snort.

“Okay. Okay. But not before I smell coffee.”

“I’ll go make a pot.” I walked into the kitchen, “light and airy fun my ass. My head is pounding.”

The smell of coffee wafted through the air and I heard a moan from the bedroom.

If I looked like Medusa, then Libby looked like the Kraken.

“Who released the Kraken?” I laughed.

“You are so not funny right now.”

“I made you coffee.”

“You’re forgiven, providing you have Advil.”

“I do. I already hit them up.”

I placed the cup of coffee in front of her and the bottle of Advil.

“I had a good time Libs. You were right, it was good to get out. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.”

“Told you.” She took two Advil and downed them with hot coffee.

“I’ll never understand how you do that.”

“It’s a college thing.”

“Yuck.”

“I meant what I said last night. You need to start living.”

“Libby…” I warned.

“Okay, okay. I’ll shut up. But that guy was hot for you. And he was really good looking. Seemed nice too.”

“Libby…I don’t even know his name.”

“It’s Mark. He introduced himself. Don’t you remember?”

“I know that, but it’s not like we had a long conversation and got to really know one another. I mean, I met him when he gave me my card case back. I don’t know the first thing about the guy.”

“Well, his name is Mark. He lives in Chester. Apparently he shops in Chester, and he’s got eyes for you.”

“Enough.”

“Fine.” She pushed her empty cup forward, “more coffee please.”

I’m not going to lie. As soon as Libby left early that afternoon, I crawled onto the sofa, wrapped my blanket around myself and sighed with relief. Or was it relief? In any event, I was happy to have my world go back to the way it was before Hurricane Libby rolled in.
 

That night I didn’t dream of Dylan. I didn’t dream at all. I slept like a stone through the whole night. I attribute it to being totally wiped out from drinking and eating the previous evening.

The next morning, I climbed out of bed and took a shower, got dressed and before I knew it I was on the street. I was walking outside, with people. I nearly panicked when I realized it, but oddly I calmed myself with a few deep breaths. Before I knew it, I found myself in the park and sat down on an empty bench that was somewhat secluded.

It’s been a very long time since I’ve people watched. The last time—thanks to Libby I could put a timeline on it—was over a year ago. I stretched my legs out, leaned back and felt the spring sun warm me through my clothes. I took another deep breath and exhaled slowly.

I watched a group of boys play baseball. There were several kids riding their bikes. A man was tossing his dog a Frisbee. The dog ran back to the man, his tail wagging and placed the disk on the ground, and just like the dog expected and wanted, the man through it up into the air again. It was a cycle. Everything seemed normal. Life went on around me even though I chose to stand still.

I heard a shrill laugh and looked towards the playground. There was a young man pushing a woman on a swing and I was instantly reminded of the time that Dylan pushed me on that same swing. I remember going so high, my legs swung out, my fingers clutched the chains tightly. I leaned forward and felt like I was flying, falling out of the sky the whole way down. I could still close my eyes and feel the butterflies in my stomach as the swing came back down to earth where Dylan stood laughing, waiting to push me back into the air. I raised my hand and swiped at my eyes.

Tears.

They seemed to fall faster then I can swipe.

I stood up and made my way back home.

One day at a time Ren, one day at a time.

I wasn’t ready yet.

I walked directly to the closet in the bedroom and removed a denim shirt I had hanging on a hook in plastic and removed it from the bag before pulling it on over my tee shirt. I wrapped it around my body tightly then lowered my head and inhaled deeply.

It was still there, the lingering smell of Dylan. Although feint. It wouldn’t be there for long and I was terrified. It was fading, even after all the months I stored it in ziplock bags trying my damnedest to keep the scent.

I pulled it snuggly around me and lay on the sofa. I didn’t want to forget. I didn’t’ want to move on. I wanted to stay here where we belonged and smell him. I wanted him to push me in that swing, one more time. I wanted to fly into the air and never come back down…

I fell asleep.

I awoke the next morning angry. I was angry because I didn’t dream of him and for the first time since Dylan’s death, I was petrified of losing him all over again. Scared he’d fade away and that all too familiar feeling of fear radiated through my veins. I didn’t know how to hold on. I’d become so used to my little world of pain and pity I found it near impossible to cope outside of its clutches.

Later that afternoon, my cell phone rang, and I knew who it was before looking at the screen. Now I know she meant well. She only wanted for me to heal and get back to living. There were times I thought it was to ease her own conscious. She was moving forward with her life. She didn’t let his death consume her. She liked talking about him, said it was cathartic to remember the good times. She didn’t understand I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready.

I had all that built up guilt. Perfect term by the way, ‘Built up Guilt’.

I was relieved I didn’t have to work. The thought of going to the greenhouses everyday, watching life around me continuing like nothing happened. It would all be too much. It would be near impossible for me to function.

Libby tried to talk me into coming back several times.

“It will be good for you Reny. You need to be doing something.”

“I don’t want to Libby. Please.”

She got frustrated with me once.

“You don’t know how upsetting it is to know you’re in constant pain, torturing yourself everyday. If you would give it a try, you’d see you could do it.”

“Not now Libby. I can’t.”

“Dylan wouldn’t…”

“Dylan wouldn’t what Lib?”

“He wouldn’t do this. He’d get on with his life. He’d force himself to.”

I knew she was right.

Dylan was so much stronger than I was about things like that. He would never push memories of me away and wallow in self-pity like I was doing. He would honor me by keeping me alive in his heart, telling anyone who would listen how much he loved me. How silly I was when I drank. How cute it was I was so afraid of spiders. He’d laugh when he told the story of how I broke my ankle trying to show off kicking a football. How he loved it when I smiled and my dimples would show. How I could never say the word pillow. Still can’t.

Has it really been over a year?