Where Secrets Lie (15 page)

“
I wish I had a pen so I could give you mine,” Lara said.

“
You can call me with yours.”

“
Ok, I’ll do that.”

Lara put the paper in her pocket. She stood close to Katie but avoided looking at her.

“
It feels strange that I don’t know when I’ll see you again,” Katie said.

“
Yeah, it does.”

Katie was uneasy. “I will see you again, won’t I?”

“
Do you really want to?”

For the first time, it occurred to Katie that Lara might feel vulnerable too.

“
Of course, I want to,” Katie said. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“
I don’t know, I’m not sure if you’re ok with what’s happened between us.”

Katie felt caught up in a whirlwind of emotion she could not put into words, so she reached over and grasped Lara’s hand.

“
I can’t wait to see you again.”

Lara’s eyes glistened. “I’m really going to miss you.”

“
I’m going to miss you too.”

They hugged. Their bodies seemed to meld together, like they did this every day, like they’d been doing it for years.

Lara pulled back slightly, and her hands fell to Katie’s waist. The move disoriented Katie. She didn’t want any distance between them. She couldn’t believe they were going to have to leave soon, that it was all going to change. She wished they could stay for another week, another day, another hour. She started to cry, and Lara’s hands moved to Katie’s neck.

“
Please don’t cry, or I will too, and I won’t be able to stop.” Lara kissed the tears on Katie’s cheeks.

Katie closed her eyes and let her breath out. She felt the whisper of Lara’s lips against hers once, twice, again.

Katie opened her eyes. “I think I love you.”

“
I think I love you too.”

Their lips rejoined, drawing them closer together, when another voice, an unfamiliar voice, jarred Katie from her reverie.

“
Lara!” Lara’s mother was standing at the edge of the shed with a furious scowl on her face.

~

Lara’s mother did not say a word to Katie. She grabbed Lara, escorted her to their car, and locked her inside. She left her there while she approached every parent that arrived and pointed at Katie who was slumped against the wall of the dining hall. Katie knew her mother would arrive soon, and Lara’s mother would get the answer she was looking for.

When Lee was getting out of her car, Lara’s mother pounced on her. They stood there and talked for at least ten minutes. They were too far away for Katie to hear what they were saying, but she was more concerned about Lara anyway. Katie couldn’t get a clear view of her through the glare on the car’s windows, but what she really wanted was to go over there and talk to her. However, she figured that would cause Lara’s mother to come even further unglued, so she stayed put.

How was her own mother going to react to all of this? Lee wasn’t homophobic, but was that all inclusive? Would it extend to her as well? Did it even need to? Was the way Katie felt about Lara something she’d just feel this one time, for this one girl, or did it mean she was gay? She really needed her mother to help her sort it all out, but would Lee be sympathetic and supportive? No matter what, she wouldn’t react the way Lara’s mother had, that’s for sure.

Lee had a calm demeanor. It was rare for her children to hear her raise her voice. As far as they were concerned, she didn’t need to. A look of disapproval from her was all it took to get Katie or her sister back into line. The question was, would Lee think Katie had stepped out of line?

Their mothers finished talking, and Lara’s mother stormed off. She got into her car and sprayed dirt across the parking lot when she pulled away. Katie hoped Lara was wearing her seatbelt.

Lee approached Katie. The concern in her eyes overshadowed her smile. She hugged Katie.

“
I’m so happy to see you, sweetie.”

“
I’m happy to see you, Mom.”

Lee released Katie but kept one arm across her shoulders.

“
Now, let’s go home,” Lee said.

~

Once they were driving, Lee said, “So tell me all about it. Was it fun?”

“
Yeah, it was lots of fun. Patty put me in charge of hiking.”

“
She did? That’s wonderful, Katie. How’d you like it?”

“
It took way more time, but I didn’t mind. I love being on the trails.”

“
Yes, I know you do, I’m sure you did a great job.”

Lee reached over and patted Katie’s leg.

“
I’m very proud of you, honey.”

“
Thanks, Mom.”

“
So is that where you met Lara? On a hike?”

Here we go.

“
No, not exactly, she was assigned to hiking too. She was in training this summer.”

“
I see, and you’re the same age, is that right?”

“
Yep.”

“
Were there any other counselors assigned to hiking?”

“
No, just us.”

“
So you must’ve spent a lot of time together.”

“
Uh huh, we did.”

“
I see, did you live in the same tent?”

“
No, just nearby.”

“
So the two of you got along well? You were friends?”

“
Yeah.”

Was her mother going to ask her how close they were? Katie’s mouth went dry. She so wanted to find the right words to express how she felt about Lara.

“
No problems?” Lee asked.

Now that was a weird turn.

“
No, why would we have problems?”

“
Well, Lara’s mother told me all about the trouble she’s been having with her. It seems Lara’s quite a problem child.”

“
That’s crazy! Her mother just said that because Lara’s gay.”

“
She told you about that?”

“
Of course she did.”

“
So you knew she’s had problems with girls?”

“
She didn’t have problems with girls, Mom. She had a girlfriend. And, yes, I know all about it.”

“
Well, that was up front of her.”

Lee’s derisive tone was an ominous sign. Katie tensed.

“
You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“
It certainly wasn’t a good thing. That whole situation caused them a lot of grief and turned their lives completely upside down.”

That wasn’t Lara’s fault. Her mother’s reaction to the girlfriend caused all of that.

“
Her mother’s just upset because she can’t change Lara into who she wants her to be,” Katie said.

“
Yes, well that may be, but she’s not my concern. You are, and I’m worried you may have been negatively influenced by this girl.”

“
I have not!”

“
I realize you’ve spent a lot of time with her, Katie, and you think you know her well, but it takes more than a few weeks to really know who someone is.”

“
I know who Lara is.”

“
And even though you’re the same age, she’s considerably more experienced than you are. She shouldn’t have told you about her escapades.”

“
She wasn’t trying to influence me, Mom. She was just being open.” Since when was telling the truth a bad thing?

“
I’m sure it looks that way to you, Katie, but Lara has been in so much trouble in her life that she’s become accustomed to it. It’s commonplace to her.”

Throughout Katie’s childhood, she never gave Lee any indication she might be gay, so Lee didn’t believe for a moment that she was. From the sound of it, Katie and Lara developed a close friendship. That was all. Lee didn’t put much stock in what Lara’s mother supposedly witnessed behind the shed either. The woman was clearly high-strung and jumped to the wrong conclusion. Girls were often affectionate with their close friends. There was nothing more to it than that.

However, Katie was young and naïve, which meant she was also malleable. Girls her age often mimicked their friends’ behavior, which was precisely what Lee was determined to prevent. She wouldn’t allow Katie to do something impetuous like experiment with dating girls.

In the end, Katie would discover she wasn’t gay, but in the process, she would suffer the backlash of narrow-minded people’s unkind opinions. For what, an experiment with a foregone conclusion?

“
Just promise me you won’t put too much stock in whatever you two talked about. You can’t believe everything Lara told you. She’s a very troubled girl.”

“
Don’t say that about her! It isn’t true.”

“
According to her mother it is.”

“
That’s not fair, you don’t know her at all. You just know what her mother thinks about her. It isn’t the same thing.”

“
Perhaps, but I know you, and you’ve never caused the kind of problems this girl has. Nowhere near as a matter of fact.”

Lee reached over and patted Katie’s leg.

“
You’ve always been a good girl, Katie. Please, don’t let this girl change that.”

So there it was. To Lee, Lara did represent stepping out of line. Katie looked out her window and fought back tears of frustration. She knew the conversation was over, and if she tried to continue it, her mother would just become more adamant.

Lee wasn’t even going to acknowledge what happened between Katie and Lara behind the shed. She must know. Surely, Lara’s mother wouldn’t skip that tidbit of information, but Lee wasn’t going to address it. She turned the other way, and she expected Katie to do the same, which was inconceivable. Just the thought of Lara infused Katie with a wondrous sensation. She could never turn away from her or deny what she felt for her, but she could also never defy her mother.

That is, at least, not openly.

~

After a tortuous week of waiting, Katie received a text from Lara that said, “She’s sending me away. Always love you. Good bye.”

Katie replied asking where she was going and for how long, but she didn’t get a response. Lara’s mother must’ve taken her phone away. Otherwise, she would’ve answered. Katie tried again over the next several days, and then decided to risk calling Lara. If her mother answered, Katie would just hang up.

She was stunned when she heard a recording that said the number was no longer in service. She couldn’t believe it. Now she had no way of reaching Lara, and she didn’t even know where she was living. All she could do was wait for Lara to find a way to contact her again.

For weeks, Katie’s pulse accelerated every time her phone rang, or she got a text, but it was never Lara. As time passed, her hope diminished.

~

Before she met Lara, Katie tried to be as interested in boys as all of her friends were, but she just didn’t get it. She liked the boys she dated, and she enjoyed herself on the dates, but it was never anything to swoon about.

After the summer with Lara, dating became an ordeal for Katie. In order to appease her mother, she went to the requisite dances and parties, but it always brought back memories of Lara.

Katie was indifferent whenever a boy held her hand or put his arm around her, but she dreaded being kissed. It astounded her how different it had been with Lara. The boys were forceful, clumsy, rough. When they pressed against her, she just wanted to push them away. Needless to say, she never dated any one boy for very long.

Katie spent her high school years focused on fitting in at school and coexisting with her mother. She never gave much thought to whether or not she was gay. Sure, it crossed her mind, but how was she supposed to know? She hadn’t met any girls she was interested in, but she could never get Lara out of her mind. She tried to let her go, to move past that summer, but something always brought her back. Sometimes she wondered if there would ever be anyone, male or female, who made her feel the way Lara had.

~

Emily was one of the first people Katie met when she started college at the University of Denver. Their dorm rooms were on the same floor, and the day they were moving in, they piled their belongings into the same elevator.

Emily mesmerized Katie from the moment she saw her. She had wild, scarlet hair that flowed well past her shoulders. Her manner was convivial, her laugh infectious, and her icy blue eyes inexplicably inviting.

The first few weeks of school, they saw each other often, and they made mutual friends, but they never had an extended conversation. When Emily asked Katie if she wanted to go to dinner, Katie almost fainted. Somehow, she managed to stammer an acceptance and then proceeded to vacillate about whether or not it was a date. Emily was openly gay, and the invitation sounded like a date, but Katie was still unsure.

At dinner, while Emily related an amusing story about one of her corny professors, she touched Katie on the arm to emphasize dramatic points. At first, Katie didn’t think much about it since it was common for her friends to do the same thing. However, as Emily’s story progressed, her touch lingered, and Katie’s mind raced.

She found the extended touches enticing and wanted to encourage their continuation, so when Emily concluded her anecdote and touched Katie’s forearm, Katie laid her hand over Emily’s hand. Emily looked into Katie’s eyes and held her gaze steady. By the time they broke eye contact, Katie no longer vacillated about Emily’s intentions. Lara was the only person who had ever looked at her that way before.