Where Words Fail (12 page)

“Can we talk?” Jameson asked me when I tried to walk past him. Alex had walked out in front of me, and I could tell that he was tired.

“Fuck...” I ran my fingers through my hair.  “Yeah. Give me a few, there’s some thing’s I need to do first.” He nodded and slid back on the white couch in the studio.

After convincing Alex he needed a nap, and that I would be fine I got him his afternoon meds and headed back out. This wasn’t a talk that I wanted to have. I could definitely figure out something better to do than talk to Jameson.

“Nice place you got here.” He started as soon as I sat down. I chose the chair furthest away from him as possible, being so far away from him made me feel protected somehow.

“Yup. It is... But please tell me you didn’t just want to talk about my house.”

“No, no I don’t. I really am sorry Abby. I never meant to hurt you.” I was having a hard time keeping myself from either crying or hitting him. My mind hadn’t figured out which one yet.

“You can’t possibly believe the shit that just came out of your mouth, Jameson. I mean seriously. I never meant to hurt you? If you didn’t mean to, you never would have...”

Jameson

Ok, this already isn’t going how I wanted it. I can tell she’s really not even interested in hearing what I have to say now, and my mind is still trying to figure out what’s going on with Alex. He wasn’t the big tough guy whom I remember trying to scare the pants off me.

“I mean it Abby. It killed me to walk away...”

“Stop... You just stop right there.” Her face was turning red and the tears in her eyes were about ready to spill down her face. “Right now, I don’t care how you felt, if it hurt you that bad you wouldn’t have done it. All I want to know is why.”

How could I tell her the truth? How could I tell her how fucked up my family was growing up? “My dad made me.” There, that’s part of it. He did make me, so I wasn’t lying.

Abby jumped from the chair and headed towards the door. “That’s bullshit,” she screamed. “You were eighteen Jameson. A fucking adult. You broke my heart and fucked my entire life up because daddy told you to leave me. That’s fucking fucked up!”

Something inside me broke as she started to push the door open, and I decided to put everything out on the line. She already hated me, even if her heart still told her that she loved me… “He threatened to kill my mother if I didn’t move with them. I really didn’t mean to hurt you but I couldn’t let her get hurt.” My words were barely a whisper, and I didn’t think she heard me, but she hesitated with her hand on the door handle.

“There’s an apartment above the barn for you if you want to stay the night, second door on the left, but I need a little bit of time and I need to go check on Alex.”

“Hey Abby?”

“Yeah...” Her forehead rested against the door as she spoke.

“What’s wrong with Alex?”

She took a sharp breath before answering me. “Cancer.”

Shit...

She pushed her way out the door before I had a chance to say anything else.

I sat in the studio for a bit trying to figure out where everything was going. It could be a bad thing that she walked out right after I told her my secret, but it had to be a good thing that she told me I could stay, right?

I made my way upstairs and opened the door Abby told me I could use. It was beautiful. Knotty pine was laid out everywhere, stained with a honey color. The open layout caused the space to seem a lot larger than it was. To my left was a state of the art kitchen that led into a fully furnished living room. The log framed furniture fit in perfectly. A half bath was off to the left of the living room, and a large bedroom with a four post log frame king sized bed. The master bathroom was done in deep gray walls with a white vanity, a drop in tub and a large shower with a waterfall shower head. It was the only room in the apartment that wasn’t wood, but it was amazing and oddly didn’t seem out of place.

It’s sad that a place where no one lives at all feels more like a home than my apartment does. I slipped my shoes off and made my way to the bed. It looked way too inviting not to lay down and my mind was working so much overtime that I was tired. I figure Abby won’t want to talk to me for a while so I’ll get some shut eye until she does.

Abby

“So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know, Tuesday... Everything is so flipping complicated that I don’t even know where to begin.” Tuesday had come in the house to help with dinner, and she had been trying to help figure out what I was going to do. I had been swearing up a storm until Izzy got back from her girl’s day with Mary. We try to keep the swearing to a minimum with her around now, so we don’t get another call from the school asking why Izzy was calling some kid a twat waffle... Explaining how that was bad with a straight face was hard!

“Well it’s obvious you still love him. Christ you told everyone in the world that with your song.”

“I… well... Frick!” This conversation would be so much easier if I could swear... I ran my hands over my face. “God, I just don’t know.”

“Aunnie, he’s cute... It’ll be fine and you guys will have cute babies.” I nearly choked on the wine I had just taken a sip of. Tuesday was trying not to laugh and Izzy didn’t even notice and kept peeling the potatoes she had been working on. All I could think is that we almost did make a cute baby.

“Not everything works out because a boy is cute, Izzy.”

“I know.” She threw me a look that straight up told me I was an idiot. “I’m six, not stupid. But he loves you and you love him.”

“Oh yeah? How can you tell smarty pants?”

“When we were in the barn earlier, he looked sad, like somebody ran over his puppy sad. All because you wouldn’t talk to him. It’s the same way that you look right now, and I don’t like you being sad.” My breath caught in my chest. How could my six year old niece be smarter when it came to love than I am? I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her and kissed her on the cheek. I told her I loved her and decided it was time to change the subject and finish up making dinner.

Jameson

I had been asleep for a few hours at least when someone started banging on the door. I stood up rubbing the sleep from my eyes as I shuffled my feet across the floor to the door. Pulling open the door, I leaned against the frame.

“Hey Tuesday, what’s up?” When the hell did she get here and why was she banging on my door?

“Dinner is what’s up. Go put some clothes on and let’s go.” I looked down and yawned, realizing I only had on my jeans and socks.

“You want me to go to dinner with you?”

She shook her head and laughed. “No, well... Kind of I guess. Everyone’s in the house getting ready to eat so let’s go.”

“I doubt that Abby and Alex want me in their house, let alone at their dinner table.”

“God you’re stupid.” She mumbled and cleared her throat. “If Abby didn’t want you there than Abby wouldn’t have sent me over to get you. And as for Alex... He’s just looking out for his sister. He won’t get too rowdy, and if he does, don’t worry, I’ll take care of him.” Tuesday winked before pushing me back towards the bedroom where my shirt was. “You hurt her, Jameson, and she’s willing to let you into her life here while she figures her shit out. That’s a huge step for her. So, I’m only going to say this once because she’s my best friend.” She pushed me against the wall and got in my face. Her bangs falling in her eyes as her breath fanned over my skin. “If you hurt her again, Alex might not be able to kill you, but AJ, Jason and I will.”

All I could do was nod. I didn’t plan on ever hurting her again. I was so in love with her that it was hurting me every minute we weren’t together. Tuesday turned and threw my shirt at me and headed for the door with me right on her heels.

Abby

“Izzy, go get washed up for dinner, baby,” Alex said as he walked into the kitchen. Izzy saluted him and jumped from the stool she was sitting on and headed towards the bathroom.

“God, Alex. I can’t believe she starts first grade soon.”

“I know, she’s so smart. I got lucky with her...” I nodded my agreement. “So I heard you looked like a kicked puppy when Jameson got here earlier.”

I scoffed. “What were you eavesdropping on us girl’s conversation?”

“Nope.” He shook his head and got his serious Alex look on his face. The one that he used when he meant business. “Izzy came and laid with me when she got home like she usually does. She talks, I pretend to sleep. It’s the only way I find out what she’s actually feeling. She’s got this need to make us think she’s strong and ok with everything. It’s usually about how scared she is to lose me, or how much she hates not having a mom, but today it was different.”

“How’s that?” I asked.

“Today, she wasn’t scared about losing me. She was scared about losing you again.”

I shook my head, pinning him with my glare. “What the hell is that supposed to mean. She’s never lost me and I don’t plan on ever going anywhere...”

“Not physically, Abby. I don’t think you realize it but whenever someone tries to get close, you close up. She feels like she’s loses you. We all do. With him coming back, we’re all scared something is going to happen and you’re going to disappear on us. But Izzy can tell that you’re both sad and she doesn’t want you to feel like that.”

“I don’t want you guys to feel like that,” I whispered.

“I know, so this is what I have to tell you and you better listen close because these words of wisdom don’t come easy for me anymore.” He stared at me, his eyes looking like he was about to cry. “Forget about everyone else. Don’t let anyone tell you who to love. It’s nobody’s business but yours. I might not like it, but it’s not my choice. It’s not Tuesday’s, it’s not Jason’s, it’s not AJ’s and it isn’t Izzy’s. As long as he treats you good, so be it. We’ll all be happy for you as long as you’re happy. But don’t settle unless you’re happy.”

With that he got up and kissed me on the forehead and left the kitchen. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say to what Alex had just told me. He always told me he would scare off anyone that didn’t fit his standard of perfect for me, and now he’s telling me to go after whoever I want. He’s like a walking contradiction lately, and I’m starting to wonder if the meds are messing with his mind.

After sitting at the table for a good ten minutes I could tell the awkwardness wasn’t going to get any better until we talked. Not that Izzy’s animated conversations with all of us weren’t helping, but nothing was getting what Jameson said to me earlier off my mind.

I had always wondered what made him leave without telling me, and his reason, well... It was a pretty fucking good one. One I couldn’t hate him for. Yeah, I hate him for leaving and I hate him for how he did it, but I admire the reason behind it.

When dinner was over and the table had been cleared, everyone headed towards the living room because Izzy wanted Alex to play some songs with her on his guitar. I, however, headed to the kitchen and grabbed the largest travel mug I could find and poured a mixture of iced tea and moonshine into it. I downed probably a quarter of it before heading into the living room. I was going to need it to get through what I was going to do.

“Jameson,” I called. His eyes shot to mine. I nodded my head towards the door. “Take a ride with me.” He nodded and headed for the door without saying a word.

Alex called out as I hit the door, making me turn back around. “You sure that’s such a good idea?”

I raised my eyebrow and smiled. This is why I loved my brother. No matter what I was doing and no matter what hell he was going through, he still made sure I was ok. “Which part? The moonshine or…” I tilted my head towards Jameson. “That?”

“Both...”

“I’m good. I’ll make him drive and I have my phone. I’ll be ok. I promise.” He nodded, and I turned to make my way out to the truck, tossing Jameson the keys on my way.

The ride to the lake was pretty silent. The only words that were spoken were me telling him where to turn. Left here, veer right, turn down that path. All I can say about the drive to the lake the property sits on is ‘thank God for four wheel drive.’ I sat quietly in the passenger seat sipping my drink, pressed up against the door as much as possible. Willing the harsh alcohol to take effect fast. I needed all the strength I could get.