White Satin (15 page)

God, she was lovely; all fire and grace and vitality. The navy blue of the skating skirt and matching ski sweater made her auburn hair, caught back in a ponytail, come alive with sparkling highlights as she whirled. Her face was glowing with exuberance and a touch of that dreamy exultation he’d seen on it so long ago. He felt something melt deep inside him, and he knew an aching tenderness. Dany was gathering stars again. Perhaps just a little longer wouldn’t hurt. A triple, a double axel, a layback spin, and then she was suddenly skating toward him. The snowflakes were drifting around her like a curtain of stars, but she wasn’t reaching out for them now. Her dark eyes were alight with mischief as she skated to a stop before him with a little flourish.

“Hi, I know who you are. You’re Anthony Malik and you won a gold medal. I’m going to win one someday too.” She paused. “And then everybody’s going to love me.” Her face was almost luminous. “Isn’t that the way it went, Anthony? And then you said … ?”

He knew what she wanted him to say. Oh, God, he
did
love her. It was as if that little girl she had been and the desirable temptress she was now had merged into one. He loved her in so many ways that sometimes he felt as if it were consuming him. Why was it so hard to tell her?

“We’d better get back to the lodge,” he said gruffly. “The radio predicted heavy snow for this afternoon and evening. You’re not going to get any decent practice for the rest of the day.” He reached out, lifted her onto the bank, and knelt to quickly unlace her skates. “The temperature is falling too. You should have worn your jumpsuit.”

“I like to wear skirts,” she said absently, looking down at his dark head bent over the skates. There had been something so open and vulnerable in his eyes as she’d skated toward him that it had caused her heart to leap with hope. Now he was closing up again. It had happened a dozen times in the week they’d been at the lodge, and she supposed she should be used to it. Just when she could see the barrier between them melting, he would erect another defense. It was only because she’d been so happy that the rejection meant so much
today. Her voice was sharp as much from pain as exasperation. “I’m not cold. You’re the one who’s cold.”

He took her skates and placed them carefully in the skate bag, his head still bent as he slipped her boots on her feet. “I’m fine. This jacket’s very warm,” he said, deliberately misunderstanding her. His hand had moved from her ankle with slow provocation up her leg to rub her inner thigh with a teasing sensuality. His hand was warm on her cold flesh, and it sent a shock of heat through her. She went still and felt her breath catch in her throat. His voice was silkily seductive. “Don’t worry, you’ll be warm, too, when I get you back to the lodge.” He bent forward to brush his lips to the flesh he’d just sensitized. “But then, you’re always warm”—his teeth nipped gently—“and sweet and …”

No, she wouldn’t let him do this to her. It always ended this way when they came too close to a confrontation. He used sex with a blinding skill that made her forget everything but the pleasure he gave her. But not today. Her hand went to his head and pulled it back, the thick crispness of his
hair on her palm giving her another little tactile jolt. “Yes, I’m warm,” she said deliberately. “I’m warm because you mean so much to me. I can’t help myself.” Her eyes were grave as they looked into his. “Do you want me to say it first? Will that help you? I love you.” She could see his eyes flicker with an emotion that could have been either joy or surprise. Perhaps a little of both, Dany thought. “But it’s lonely standing out here on a limb by myself. I need company.” Her voice had the slightest quaver in it. “I need you to say you love me too.”

She could see the struggle that brought the strain back to his face. He glanced away as he asked evasively, “What’s not to love?” He got to his feet and picked up her skate bag. “You’re gorgeous, intelligent, and more responsive than any lady I’ve ever slept with. I’d be an idiot not to love you.”

“Damn you!” Her voice was shaking with the force of her feelings. She felt as if he’d slapped her. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. “I’m tired of your blasted evasions and your charming little sexual insurance policies. Just once, couldn’t you have given me
something?
Damn you!” Then she
was running up the hill, her booted feet slipping on the new snow. The snow felt wet on her face—or was it tears? No, she wouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t let him hurt her. He didn’t mean to, she knew that. She should be more patient. She always meant to be, but sweet heaven, how long could she batter against that wall of reserve without breaking apart herself?

Then she was inside the small redwood chalet, almost running down the hall to the sauna area. She was freezing, shaking more from the chill of frustrated emotions than the temperature. Anthony hadn’t followed, and it didn’t really surprise her. He knew that, as upset as she was, she’d never allow him to avoid another confrontation. He’d probably wait for her to calm down, then step in and attempt to soothe her with humor, and gentleness, and that universal panacea he was so damn good at.

And she’d probably let him! Once the first agony had worn away, she’d be willing to try again. She’d discovered in the past week that the little Anthony gave her was better than no Anthony at all. Any threat to the effect of leaving him
now would be pure bluff. She could only hope he wouldn’t realize that. It was the only weapon she had.

She stood in the combination bathing–sauna area now, shedding her clothes swiftly and leaving them where they fell on the cream-and-jade ceramic tile floor. She’d pick them up later. She had a sudden poignant memory of Anthony’s meticulousness as opposed to her own haphazardness. He’d quietly pick up her clothes and hang them up with simple matter-of-factness. She’d thought her carelessness would grate on his nerves, but he’d never shown by word or expression that that might be the case. He’d accepted every facet of her personality without question or criticism. Why couldn’t she do the same? It would be a hell of a lot less painful.

Dany decided against going into the pine-enclosed sauna cubicle and chose the hot tub instead. It would warm her more quickly, and she needed that. Lord, she needed that. She felt frozen to the marrow. The water was blessedly hot as she settled onto the bench and leaned her head back against the side of the tub. Her eyes closed as she
let the swirling waters ease and comfort her as the tension loosened and flowed away with the heat and the steam. She wished the pain could flow away as easily. Perhaps it would in time. Maybe it wouldn’t matter as much next month or next year.

“Dany.”

Anthony was suddenly beside her in the tub. She could feel the water ebb as he settled himself beside her. She hadn’t heard him, but that wasn’t surprising. Anthony always moved with such swift, silent grace.

She tensed, not opening her eyes. “Go away,” she said huskily. “I don’t want to see you. Not now.”

“Then keep your eyes shut.” His voice was ragged. “Because I’m not going to go away.” His arms wrapped around her, cradling her with infinite gentleness. “In fact, I’d prefer you didn’t open them; it will make it easier for me.” His clasp tightened. “Just stop crying, okay?”

“I’m not crying,” she denied. “It’s just perspiration.”

“Is it?” His tongue licked delicately at her cheek in a tenderly intimate gesture before his
hand pulled her head into the hollow of his shoulder. “I don’t think so.”

“I wish you’d just go away.” His hand was stroking her back and shoulders with soothing tenderness, and she could feel herself begin to melt against him. “I don’t want to have sex with you.”

“We never have sex.” His voice was muffled as he pressed his lips to her forehead. “We make love. Even if I had trouble saying the words, I thought you knew that. And I don’t want to do that either. Not right now.”

She became still. “You don’t?”

“For God’s sake, what kind of bastard do you think I am?” There was a thread of pain in his voice. “You’re hurting, don’t you think I know that? I want to comfort you. I don’t
take
a hundred percent of the time.” He laughed mirthlessly. “Only ninety-five percent.”

“No,” she protested. She tried to raise her head, but he stopped her with a firm pressure that kept it cradled on his shoulder. “I know you can’t help it.”

“Then I’d better try, hadn’t I? Because I sure as hell can’t stand to see that look on your face
again. It nearly tore me apart.” His voice sank to a halting whisper. “I—I love you, Dany.”

This time he didn’t stop her when she raised her head, her lids flying open to stare at him with startled eyes. His face was a little pale, the skin stretched taut over the broad planes of his cheekbones, but his eyes were direct and steady as they met hers.

“You’re sure?” she whispered.

There was a flicker of impatience in his face. “If I wasn’t, do you think I would have said it?” he growled. “It’s not exactly a declaration I make every day. Do you want me to repeat it?”

She felt such a surge of joy, it left her lightheaded. Oh, Lord, the first rip in the veil. She was sure that if she stood up, she’d float away on a fleecy cloud of sheer euphoria. “I’m not about to press my luck,” she said lightly. Her eyes were glowing with a radiance that made his breath catch in his throat. “You almost didn’t make it that time. I’ll be satisfied if you manage to drop it casually into the conversation every year or so.”

He tilted her head up to him, his palms cradling her cheeks with velvet gentleness. “I
think I’ll be able to do better than that.” He kissed her with a sweetness that was neither victory nor defeat, but a magical compromise of the spirit. “I imagine it will be easier with practice.” He brushed a butterfly kiss on each eyelid. “I love you. See? That wasn’t very rusty at all.”

“Don’t push it, you’re doing fine.” She cuddled happily against him, her lips pressing extravagant little kisses over his throat and shoulders. “It’s more than enough for right now.”

“I’m glad you’re so pleased, but I’d appreciate it if you’d stop expressing yourself quite so enthusiastically,” he said with a chuckle. “I’m trying to demonstrate how loving, not lustful, I can be.” As her head nestled contentedly back on his shoulder his hand stroked her hair back from her temple. “I thought when you were tired of this, we’d get dressed and sit in front of the fire and talk or play cards or whatever else you want to do. Does that sound all right?”

It sounded wonderful, she thought happily—as wonderful as being held with exquisite care, as if she were very precious; as wonderful as being told by Anthony Malik that she was loved. She didn’t
fool herself that the war was by any means won, but it was a major victory all the same. “Okay,” she said dreamily, breathing in the clean scent of musk and soap that always surrounded him. “Anthony?” Her voice was hesitant. “What made you tell me? Why now?”

There was a short silence. “I couldn’t bear it,” he said finally. “Anything was better than seeing that expression on your face. You looked as if I’d stolen one of your stars.”

“Stars?”

His hand was once more stroking her temple with mesmerizing gentleness. “Never mind.” His lips feathered kisses on her forehead. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m getting better, aren’t I?” Dany tossed her jacket on the bench by the front door and whirled in a circle, hugging herself ecstatically. “I could
feel
it today. I was part of everything—the ice, the wind, the music. Everything.”

Anthony closed the door behind him and shrugged out of his jacket. “You were better today
than yesterday,” he said cautiously. “You could have had more height on that split.…”

“Anthony, dammit, I was good,” she said with loving impatience. “Admit it!” She wrinkled her nose at him. “And I’ll admit that you were right about the overtraining. Though it goes against my grain to add to your arrogant ego.”

He picked up her jacket and opened the hall closet. His back was to her as he carefully hung up both their coats and put her skate bag in the closet. His voice was slightly muffled. “All right, I’ll admit it. You were fantastic. Satisfied?”

“No.” Her hand was on his arm, swiveling him around to confront her. “I want to see your face when you say it.” Her dark eyes were dancing. “Now, wasn’t I absolutely wonderful today?”

His expression softened as he gazed down at her eager face. “You were beautiful,” he said simply. “If you do that well at Calgary, you’ll wrap up the gold and take it home.” His fingers gently traced the curve of her cheekbone. “You were everything I knew you could be. If I had a thousand gold medals, I would have given them all to
you today.” He inclined his head in a mocking little bow. “Is that better, sweetheart?”

“Yes, that’s better,” she said huskily. She cleared her throat, and her arms slipped around him to give him a hug that took his breath away. “You did that very well. You’re learning all the time.” Before his arms could close around her, she was whirling away again. “In fact, I think that effort deserves a reward. I’ll make you a cup of hot chocolate before we start dinner.” She grinned at him teasingly. “I hope you appreciate the sacrifice. After all, I’m the one who slaved away on the ice all afternoon while you lolled on the bank like some royal potentate and watched.”

“We all have our roles to play,” he drawled as he turned and straightened her jacket on the hanger. “I find my sultan to your slave girl a very satisfying match.”

“I wish you wouldn’t pick up after me,” Dany said with a grimace as he closed the closet door and turned around to face her. “It always makes me feel like such a complete slob.” She hurried on defensively, “I would have picked up everything and hung it up later, you know.”

“Sorry. I didn’t realize it bothered you.” His arm wrapped around her waist as he propelled her down the hall toward the country kitchen in the rear of the lodge. “I’ll try to remember, though I don’t promise anything. Neatness is an ingrained habit with me. My first twelve years were spent in a two-room tenement apartment. If I didn’t keep things picked up, it was even more of a disaster area than it usually was.” His lips tightened. “And God knows, that was bad enough.”