Whiter Shades of Pale (13 page)

As an institution,
The Onion
is beyond reproach for white people. You should not imply that you don’t get it or that it’s not funny. In fact, the only acceptable criticism for
The Onion
is that you are unable to work for them. This is because every white male under thirty-five is convinced that he could and should be working for
The Onion
.

Within white culture, your choice of transportation method says a lot about you. For example, a Prius says you care about the earth, a bicycle shows you
really
care about the earth, and a bus shows that you are probably not white. But these three options are not the only viable ways for a white person to get around. They have literally dozens of choices, including Volvos, old Mercedes that run on vegetable oil, Subaru Outbacks, and Vespa scooters.

As it stands, every single white person on earth either owns, has owned, or is dreaming about owning a Vespa scooter. And why not? They are Italian, feature vintage design, have low emissions, make the rider look more sophisticated, and carry a little bit of risk. In fact, were it to have a liberal arts degree and a steady income, a Vespa scooter would possess every important quality that a white person looks for in a spouse.

In addition to these superficial qualities, Vespas provide some very practical benefits to white people. Namely, scooters are perfect for gentrified neighborhoods, which are often short on parking and heavy on people who are impressed by Vespas.

If you are in search of a fun game, a white person who has recently purchased a Vespa can be a source of tremendous entertainment. Step
One: Get them talking about their Vespa (easy). Step Two: Start asking them why they didn’t save money by getting a Honda or Suzuki that gets the same mileage. Step Three: See how many of the following justifications a white person will use during the ensuing rant: environment, parking, urban lifestyle, union labor, writers, fuel efficiency,
Roman Holiday
, study abroad, and being into Vespas before everyone else.

Finally, the Vespa has produced one of the great paradoxes in white culture. Vintage Vespas are infinitely cooler than newer ones, but the vintage models produce more pollution than most automobiles. If you know a white person facing this dilemma, just say something like “The amount of energy and carbon used to produce a new scooter will probably cancel out the emissions from your vintage one.”

Problem unsolved forever.

White people have dreams of being a novelist. Unfortunately, time, talent, and money often get in the way of the opus that will finally spring a white person from obscurity and into well-deserved fame. So what can a white person do when they want to create a book but don’t have that much time or energy to spare? They shorten it, distribute it to their friends, and call it a day.

Though this is not a surprising statistic, white people are the sole producers and consumers of short stories in America. It’s true!

Of these stories produced by white people, the best will often find their way to
The New Yorker
, where they will be not read by thousands of
intelligent white people. If the story isn’t good enough to make
The New Yorker
, it will likely end up in a literary journal run by other white people who write short stories.

The typical white person short story can be written by just about anyone. Simply write a story where you spend a lot of time describing the characters, and make sure that nothing happens. If a story has a clear beginning, middle, and end, that means that a white person will understand exactly what you were trying to accomplish in your story. And while you would think that comprehension would be prized, most white people view it as a sign that the story was simplistic and poorly written.

No, to really capture the minds of white people you must write a story that doesn’t really go anywhere so that when they are finished reading they will be left with a sense of confusion about what they just read. To a white person, a feeling of confusion is the expected response to all forms of “good” art. (For example, next time you are at an art gallery look at the faces of the white people there. Though they will never admit it, they all wish that paintings would come with a timer beneath them to let them know that they have appreciated the art for an intelligent amount of time.)

This confusion means it was well done. Additionally, you never have to worry about a white person asking any pesky questions like “So what was that about?” or “Can you explain it to me?” To do so would be to publicly out them as poorly read.

To get an idea about what is an appropriate response to a white person who hands you a short story, you should simply ask them about the Allen Ginsberg poem
Howl
. Take notes, since this is the best example of how to praise something without having read it.

If you live in a reasonable-size city, you have probably seen a newspaper box offering “free papers.” These are called alternative newspapers, and they are a vital part of white culture.

Though these papers cover different cities, they are all pretty much identical. The cover will feature either a local story exposing government corruption or a band/rapper you have never heard of. If you can sort through all the advertisements, you will find a number of stories about local restaurants and indie bands, “Life in Hell” cartoons, a Savage Love column, and reviews of movies and books. Prior to the advent of the Internet, this was white people’s primary source of cultural information and deals on backpacking vacations to Europe.

By the time you get to the end of the paper, you will likely be struck by the following thoughts: “I didn’t know my city had so many futon stores,” “How much of this paper is made up of advertisements for prostitution?,” “How many drummers does one city need?,” and, if you live in California, “Well, I guess I know where to get medical marijuana.”

Additionally, the alternative newspaper provides an important step in the career of a white person who wishes to pursue a career in journalism. Currently the path works as follows: college newspaper → alternative newspaper internship → unemployment.

The rare feat of securing an actual full-time (not freelance) job with one of these papers is considered one of the greatest accomplishments in all of white culture. Working as a writer at an alternative newsweekly is one of those high-prestige, low-pay jobs that white people seem to covet
so dearly. Other professions in this category include bicycle messenger, graduate student, and bookstore employee.

Thankfully every city with a significant white population has at least one (and in some cases two or three) alternative newspapers. Should you find yourself in a new city looking for local, specific information to help you blend in, there is no quicker route than to simply pick up one of these papers and thumb through it. Not only will it provide you with the information you need to fit in with white people, but your ink-stained thumbs-up will show them that you are to be trusted.

Limited edition given only to people who have donated $10,000.

Favors her left thanks to an old injury from the time she punched a “fascist” during a protest. Fascist was her father.