Who Are You Meant to Be? (11 page)

When we aren’t aware of these two systems in our brain, we don’t really know what we are capable of nor do we fully understand how self-protective we are in our daily lives. When we are able to identify when we are afraid of expressing ourselves or when we are saying no to ourselves without really thinking something through, we can make different choices. Because we aren’t familiar with our self-actualizing behaviors, we are at the mercy of acting from automatic self-protective behaviors that limit our capacity to become who we are meant to be. By knowing our self-actualizing behaviors, we make the decision about what behaviors we are going to use to help us achieve our goals.

What Happens When Brain Development Is Stalled

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.

—Chinese proverb

As we have mentioned previously, the development of the SA System is not automatic. We know that children need significant social, emotional, perceptual, and cognitive experiences during the first several years of life to develop normally. If this doesn’t happen, or if the environment is somehow chronically threatening or neglectful, neurons and neural pathways will connect in an abnormal fashion, or they will “prune” themselves, dropping out at an accelerated rate. Other factors, such as nutrition, frequency and consistency of care, and touch can affect brain development as well.

At a certain age, during the normal development process, the rational brain takes over from the instinctual brain the responsibility for deciding which situations are threatening and how threats should be handled. Primitive impulses occur less frequently because the brain has learned that they aren’t necessary in an environment that is consistently safe and secure. However, if a child still senses a threat to her survival, the takeover by the rational brain does not develop normally and the impulses keep firing from the instinctual brain. This means that the rational brain has to “police” these impulses (to stop us from throwing something when we are angry or from eating buckets of ice cream when we are upset). The policing effort can stall the rational brain’s own development, and we can experience extremes of in-control or out-of-control behavior. Addictions, dieting, road rage, compulsive shopping—our society unfortunately offers many examples of situations in which behavior swings in and out of our control.

Helen met with three of her girlfriends every other week for lunch. They had known one another since high school and kept up with what was going on in one another’s lives this way. Lately Helen found herself getting irritated with the ever-present conversation about what new diet her friends were on and their comments about being “bad” for not sticking to the diet. She noticed that two of her friends had lost the same fifteen pounds at least three times since high school.

In these situations, it can seem like the brain is fighting with itself instead of integrating its various abilities. The rational brain wants to get to bed early to be ready for a big day of job hunting, and the instinctual brain wants to stay up late and play poker online. The rational brain wants to find a compatible woman and settle down, while the instinctual brain is still hooking up with multiple women and counting them like trophies. The two brains are working to satisfy very different needs. Behaviors that go against our best interests and our own common sense are a result of an SA System that is severely in need of repair.

A Lifetime of Brain Development

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

—Mark Twain

Neuroscience confirms our brain’s phenomenal capacity for development over our life span. This means that it is never too late to develop your brain, to change dysfunctional habits of mind, to free yourself from addiction, or to have the relationship you desire. Unlike any other organ in the body, the brain, with its neuroplasticity, can create new neural pathways and even learn to use its cells in different ways.

The good news is, if we missed out on some of that natural development the first time around, we can always re-create developmental opportunities for ourselves. In fact, in chapters 14 and 15, the SSPS Roadmap for Development takes you through the process of planning for and completing the developmental experiences you need to become who you are meant to be. Then, when primitive reflexes are in check and we have integrated the three brains into a healthy functioning SA System, we are poised to fulfill our potential.

C
HAPTER
F
IVE

STRIVING STYLES SELF-ASSESSMENT

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

—Lao Tzu

T
HE
S
TRIVING
S
TYLES
S
ELF
-A
SSESSMENT
allows you to narrow down your Predominant Striving Style in a matter of five to ten minutes. It lets you see what area of your brain you are using the most as well as the other areas you draw on frequently. It serves as a kind of mirror that shows all the facets of your true self, and it gives you the opportunity to think about how you operate in the world on a regular basis. It deepens your understanding of yourself by providing insight into the most basic need that you have to meet in order to feel psychologically secure.

The Striving Styles Self-Assessment asks you to consider attitudes and behaviors that reflect the use of the four quadrants of the brain and the mental functions that are associated with those quadrants. It also allows you to discover whether you tend to apply those functions in your inner world or the outer world.

Once you have determined your Predominant Striving Style, read through the descriptions to see how well they seem to fit you. You may find that more than one Style describes you, and if that is the case, refer to the instructions that follow the assessment. Remember, this assessment is like a mirror: it can only reflect whatever is shown to it. It is not a diagnosis but a tool for self-understanding. After reading the following chapters on each of the Striving Styles, you will probably settle comfortably into one of the Styles, seeing yourself in the descriptions and examples.

This Self-Assessment is for you to determine how your brain is organized and to discover your Predominant Striving Style. It is not to pigeonhole you, judge you, or limit you in any way. As you will see, every Style has its admirable qualities and its vulnerabilities, so don’t worry if you read some things about your Style that seem negative or undesirable. Rather than judging yourself or rejecting the Style, just notice your reactions to reading about it. You might feel pleased, excited, embarrassed, or irritated when learning about yourself; all of these reactions are perfectly normal. Knowing how your brain is organized is like knowing whether you are left or right handed, and I’m sure you’ll agree that having this knowledge has never hurt you. You can only benefit from gaining awareness about yourself and your Predominant and Associate Striving Styles.

As you read, you may start to get some clarity about certain aspects of yourself or others. You might even have an aha moment, in which you suddenly understand why you bristle every time your brother-in-law starts to tell a joke, or why you have a million Facebook friends (or none at all). Whatever initial thoughts you have when you read about your Style, remember that observing your reactions to this new information is the first step in a learning and development process.

Here are some important tips for taking the Self-Assessment:

Take your time.
Don’t rush through it. It should take about five to ten minutes to read and complete. Choose a time and place where you won’t be disturbed or interrupted.

Go with your first reaction.
Try not to second-guess yourself. When you are waffling between “Occasionally” and “Frequently,” think about what you prefer or what is most like you. Avoid analyzing the statements or your responses in detail.

There are no right or wrong answers.
For each statement, just think about how much time you spend behaving in this fashion. Ask yourself whether this is because you prefer to behave this way or because your work, social circumstances, or conditioning requires that you do so. The best answer to choose is the one that reflects your preference, not the pressure of external forces.

Answer honestly.
Avoid the temptation to choose answers simply because they seem like the most desirable way to respond. This approach will diminish the accuracy of your results.

Instructions

The Self-Assessment has four main sections (labeled A, B, C, and D). Each section has two parts (labeled 1 and 2), and within each part there is a list of statements. You will read each statement and decide how often the statement applies to you or describes you. The scale that you will use for making your decisions is: Rarely = 0; Occasionally = 2; Frequently = 4; Always = 6. For example, if you read the statement “I tend to be self-critical” and you feel that this is only occasionally true for you, you should enter 2 as your response. After you have read all the statements for part 1 and responded to them, add up your score for part 1 and enter it in the space provided, then go on to part 2. When you finish part 2, check to see whether your score is higher for part 1 or part 2, and enter that information at the bottom of each page in the space provided. At the end of the Self-Assessment, you will be asked to transfer the results from each page to determine your Predominant and Associate Striving Styles.

Sections A1 and A2 (Leader, Intellectual)

The following two sets of statements will determine which Striving Style of your
left rational brain
you prefer to use.

Sections B1 and B2 (Performer, Visionary)

The following two sets of statements will determine which Striving Style of your
right rational brain
you prefer to use.