Who He Is (FireNine, book 1) (37 page)

“Just think about it, Eliza. I can take care of you. I can set up that graphic design job for you. If you want me to, I’ll set it up right now. I can buy you an apartment—uh… a house. I know how much you love to read… I can build you a ton of bookshelves… buy you a ton of books if it’ll make you smile. I’ll even give you your own studio to paint and draw in whenever you want to make your usual escapes. We can live together when this tour is over. I’ll let you pick where we live—any state. Anywhere. It doesn’t matter as long as we’re together. Whenever I have to go somewhere, you can come with me. You can travel with me. We can continue being happy… We’ll do good.” His voice broke, causing my eyes to open. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, and I bit my bottom lip. He knew me so well and it was hurting me even more.

“I can do so much for you, Eliza. Just… don’t leave what we have behind. Stay. Please.
Don’t go like this.” A sudden guilt took hold of me. Tears continued running down his cheeks, and I bit my bottom lip, wanting to hold back, but it was impossible. Seeing him cry made me cry. Seeing him crack and break was making me break.

“Gage, I can’t,” I whispered. “I can’t. I have to go back. I have to live my own life. I’ve told you this.”

“You can. You love me, right? You can build your life with me.” He cupped my face, bringing my lips to his. “You can, Eliza. Stay with me. I swear I’ll drop Penelope. If that’s what you’re worried about, I’ll call her right now and tell her we’re done. I’ll give it all up for you, Eliza. I’ll let her tell the whole damn world about Kris and me as long as I can keep
you
in my arms. I don’t give a fuck about her.
I love you
. Please…” he begged, tears gushing. I knew he was only saying this to keep me around. He didn’t mean it. He wasn’t going to let Penelope win that easily. “Please, don’t leave me. Don’t make me empty again. Don’t let me break.”

I swallowed a sob, dropping
my bags. His eyes filled with relief at the sight of my bags on the ground, but I cupped his face, kissing him deeply, passionately. I don’t know how long I kissed him, but I tried so hard to let go. It was hard to let go. I wanted to be in his embrace for the rest of my life. I wanted him to kiss me like this every hour of every day, but I knew we couldn’t. Not yet. I had to go back. I had to go through with what I wanted. As much as it ripped me in half to think about—to go through—I had to.

“I love you, Gage
, but I can’t stay.”

I stroked his cheek
, but he shook his head, sobbing as his forehead fell onto my shoulder. He clutched me in his arms, refusing for me to leave. I tried to pull away, but each time he held on tighter, shaking his head. “Eliza… I’m begging you.”

“I
—I can’t, Gage.”

“You can!” he shouted
, finally releasing me. “You can! You don’t understand how much I need you around me. I need your smile, your grace… your love. I need everything about you in order to be happy. I won’t be happy if you leave, and you know this! You won’t be happy either, so just… stay with me. Please. Follow your heart, Eliza. You love me! Don’t let this go.”

I bit into my bottom lip, almost drawing blood. I shook my head. The longer I was to stand there crying with him, it was going to be harder and harder to go. “I have to go, Gage. I’m sorry. We’ll see each other again,” I assured him.
“We’ll work something out.”

“Eliza, no!
Fuck… no. Stop. I’m not letting you leave!” He stopped me from grabbing my bags. I stared into his hurt, angry eyes. Tears were still streaming and my vision became blurry again. Something loud came from behind him, almost like the slamming of a door, but I couldn’t look away. Deep voices yelled his name, but neither of us averted our gazes. He grabbed me again and I slowly pulled away.

“Gage,
you have to let me go,” I whispered, shaking my head.

He didn’t say anything. He just kept tugging on my arm. He was about to wrap his arms around m
e and I would have allowed him had someone not pulled me back by the shoulders to get me out of his grasp. My eyes were stuck on Gage, who was being hauled back by Montana and Roy. I wasn’t sure who grabbed me at first, but by the hand that was rubbing circles on my back, I was certain it was Ben.

Gage was yelling my name fiercely, begging me not to leave. To stay. He yelled it repeatedly and I couldn’t
force myself to look away from his pain. Montana kept pushing him back by his chest, stealing glances at me, and Roy was holding Gage’s arms, securing them behind his back so he wouldn’t swing. “Eliza, you can’t fucking leave like this!” Gage yelled again. I flinched and soon I was pushed onto leather and the car door shut in my face… but I could still see him. And it was like he could still see me, even through the tinted windows. He was still glaring at me, veins popping out on his neck as Montana and Roy used all their strength to push him toward the FireNine bus. Soon, Deed came limping out, his eyes wide with shock as he rushed to help Montana and Roy.

But there was no need for Deed to help because Gage gave out. He stopped yelling and the boys tried to hold him up
, but he ended up buckling to his knees. I gasped, tears falling down my face. I was sobbing and I hadn’t even realized it. I was choking, desperate to get out of the car and comfort him, but I knew better. I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I
had
to go.

But as Gage
called my name one last time, something cracked inside me. I grabbed the door handle of the car and pushed out, rushing in Gage’s direction. His head was still hanging down so he couldn’t see me coming, but I wasn’t stopping. I would clash into him if I had to. I would do whatever to let him know I loved him with all my heart. I was in love with him and distance would never change that.

I was almost there—
just a few more steps—but before I could make it, one of the security guards grabbed me and I wailed as they rushed me back to the car. “Gage, I’m so sorry!” I yelled, fighting my hardest to get out of the guard’s arms. “I’m so sorry. I love you.”

He heard me, I knew, because he shook his head
, keeping it down. The security guard stuffed me into the car, strapped my seatbelt around me, and then slammed the door before standing in front of it, making sure I wasn’t going to get out again. I saw camera lights flickering and I wasn’t sure where they were coming from. I turned and looked out the window past Gage. Cal was stepping out with a camera in hand, eyes wide as he stared at Gage on his knees. He then rushed back inside, pulling out his phone on the way. I didn’t know what he was doing, and I didn’t really care. I couldn’t even think straight. I was hurting.

Breaking.

Obliterating.

As soon as Ben tossed the bags into the trunk, slammed it closed, and hopped into the backseat
, ordering Marco to drive, he pulled me against him and stroked my hair, cooing to me that everything was going to be all right. But I knew it wasn’t. I was hurting, breaking on the inside, but it was best not to look back.

As soon as I sorrowfully kissed Ben
good-bye and boarded the jet, I stared out the window and completely broke down. Sob after sob. Tear after heavy tear. I was lucky to be on the jet alone because I had all the time to myself to let it all go. To release the pain, the hurt, and grief. It literally killed me inside. I broke Gage. I took his happiness with me. I created a hole within him, leaving him empty once again.

The times when I couldn’t stand him, I’d tell myself repeatedly it’s who he is. His ways
—the sleeping around, flirting, partying, drinking, and hurting girls… It was all him because it was the only way he could forget—the only way he wouldn’t have to feel anything. The only way he wouldn’t remember his past and how much Kristina actually took away from him.

But a part of him
changed somehow. It wasn’t a complete change, but it was enough, and the saddest, most heart-wrenching part about it was the changes were made for
me
. The changes were made so he could
love
me.

And since I was now on my way home
—since I was leaving him behind, along with the relationship he wanted to continue and grow between us—I knew I’d destroyed him. I knew sooner or later his past doings, which I despised so much, would consume him all over again just so he wouldn’t have to feel the pain, the hurt, and the heartache. Simply so he could try and forget about someone else who was close to his heart.

And I hated the ache within me.

I hated that—because of my priorities, my life, and my decision—I’d be the one to blame for Gage Grendel’s shattered heart.

There’s
more to Gage and Eliza’s story in book two,

Who We Are

Coming September 2013

Until then, enjoy a little sneak peek…

Note
:

T
he first two chapters are subject to change.

What you see now may or may not be in the
published copy.

This is fucked up, Eliza. This is really fucked up of you.

I kept thinking it, but why the hell was I still walking forward with my roommate
, the girl I couldn’t stand most, Teala Morris.

“Gotta keep up if you’re hanging with me, baby girl,” she said, tugging on the hem of her skintight black dress. I had to pass on wearing one of her dresses. Instead, I went with some basic skinny jeans and a grey belly shirt.

It was instinct, really—going out with Teala of all people. I hated the girl with a passion and the only reason I dealt with her was because she was my roommate and it was too much of a hassle to try and move. Other than that, I could have cared less about her. I was using her tonight because I was worried about being backstage alone, but being with her was just like being by myself. The plan was rather pointless.

Teala was the kind of girl who made fun of people like me. Simple girls. Girls who went to the library to read on weekends instead of parties. She was the kind of girl who mocked someone like me to my face and didn’t think twice about whether she’d hurt my feelings or not. It’s sad to say, but the only time I did like Teala was when she wasn’t at the dorm, which was every night.

The music thumped louder, and with each step closer, my heart clambered against my chest. I knew what band was playing. I knew the song. I knew
every single
damn word, and the bad part about it was it was a song
he
named because of something I said. It was the song he sang to me three nights before I left him behind and a song that became extremely popular.

Every time I heard it on the radio, it was a constant reminder of what I’d actually done to him. I hated what I did and I was stupid for going with Teala to this damn concert, but I had to show up. It was my only way of getting back home. Ben (my
dad and best friend) told me he would be waiting for me near the front gates. He was my only ride home and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity again. Going home meant relaxing for a few days before starting my internship.

During the internship, I was going to have my own apartment (bought by them) and the only thing I had to worry about was clothes, food, and transportation—but they paid for the transportation so I considered myself lucky to score the internship. It was for Arts Global, a gigantic art agency I’d fantasized about working for since I was a child. I was finally going to be living my dreams, painting, drawing, and meeting new people with similar interests.

There’d been plenty of times when Ben would call me and ask if I wanted to come home for a break. I would always tell him no because I knew exactly what he was trying to do. I knew who was always around him and I didn’t want to face him again. I was a coward, I was selfish, but I couldn’t help it. I literally ripped that boy’s heart to shreds.

We neared the crest of the hill and long, silver gates appeared. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I spotted Ben standing near the ticket stand, checking his watch. The line beside him was exceedingly long, and as I looked back to see where it led to, I shook my head. It was curving around the block and the show had already started. I guess the people were too amped for FireNine to leave.

Ben saw me coming, but as he spotted Teala, his eyebrows stitched. “It’s about damn time, Liza,” he snapped. “I have to get back there before the next song.”

“Great to see you, too, Ben
.” I sighed, following him through the gates.

He slowed down to get to my side and then looked over his shoulder at Teala who was following behind us, ogling and batting her eyelashes at a few guys. “I’m sorry. You know I love you, sweetie.” He looked at me again, kissing my cheek. “But did you have to bring that trailer trash with you?”

I bit on a laugh and he chuckled deeply as we neared another gate. The bald security guard standing in front of it nodded at Ben as we got closer and pressed a button for the gates to open. Teala clunked her way in behind us, her heels somewhat louder than the music. As we neared a door, the crowd screamed and I winced. It’d been so long since I heard a scream like that. A whole eight months to be exact.

Has
it really been that long?

My palms became sweaty as Ben opened the door.

I was deathly afraid of what was going to happen tonight. I was left with no choice but to face Gage Grendel after his show. I was proud of Ben for being their successful manager, but during this one night, I wanted him to have nothing to do with Gage or FireNine.

“All right, Liza,” Ben sighed. “Make yourself at home. Refreshments are on the table over there.” I nodded and he kissed my cheek before walking toward a man in a suit near the curtains to watch the boys play. Teala came to my side, her perfume burning my nostrils. It was a mix of cherry and alcohol. Horrendous.

“This is fuckin’ cool of you,” she said, slapping my shoulder.

I buckled a bit from her blow but pressed my lips to smile. “Yeah.”

“I can’t wait to meet the band. They’re total fuckin’ hotties. That Montana… oh, he could so have me right now. Any day. Anywhere. And Gage!” She squealed, bouncing up and down. “Oh, fuck, I would let him sing to me while we’re fuckin’. That would be amazing, right?”

I frowned at her. How many times could a person use the word “fuck?” Teala used it in every sentence and, quite frankly, it was unattractive… not that she wasn’t already unattractive. She wore so much hairspray that I was surprised she hadn’t choked on it. Her hair was a solid black, her lips plastered with bold, red lipstick, and she was on the skinnier side. I didn’t want to know what she did to become so skinny
, so I kept quiet and never asked. I was sure it had something to do with heavy drugs and working out too much… or her finger constantly being shoved down her throat.

“Teala, how about you go watch?” I insisted. I wanted her as far away from me as possible.

“Great idea!” She rushed away from me, her heels clomping as she pulled the curtain back and stared ahead in awe. I could tell she’d never been backstage before.

Sighing, I turned to face the refreshments and grabbed a bottle of water. I really wanted to bail. I couldn’t face Gage again. I couldn’t look into those hazel eyes or take in that casual smirk, his broad chest, firm shoulders… sexy figure. I didn’t have to see him in order to know he looked hotter than hell. There was never a morning or night when he looked bad.

The crowd went wild as his voice echoed all across the stadium. I swallowed, hoping my knees wouldn’t lock from the bliss of his deep bedroom voice. I shut my eyes, breathing through my nostrils and clutching my bottle of water. I had to be mature. I had to act like we were exactly what we’d started off as. A fling. I knew we were way more than that, but I told myself over and over again we weren’t. It wasn’t supposed to be more than that.

But then Gage said something that caused me to drop my bottle of water with a gasp. “I heard last night that one of the hottest girls I’ve ever met is supposed to be here right now.” He chuckled and I halted my next breath, keeping my gaze focused on the table. Too bad I was all ears. “This girl… I know she’s here right now. She really broke my fucking heart. I fucked up. She let me go. I opened up to her. She closed off on me. Has anyone in this crowd ever been in love?” he asked. As soon as he did, the crowd roared and there was even an “I’m in love with you, Gage!”

“That’s great, y’all. That’s great. I want her to know tonight how bad she fucked me over—how hurt I was when I watched her leave. Not only did she break my heart, but she took the pieces with her. This girl—wherever she is—isn’t gonna like this song, but…” I knew he was shrugging carelessly. “Oh well. I don’t give a fuck. That’s what this song is called tonight: ‘We Don’t Give A Fuck.’ It’s explicit, but y’all know how we are… If you don’t, then bear with us.” He laughed, but my heart did a spiral drop as I stared down.

I scrambled for my bottle of water as he sang loudly, his anger flowing through the microphone. Each word stabbed at my gut, making me want to double over, but I stayed grounded. I wanted to bolt for the exit, breathe in the crisp night air, but I knew I was still going to hear his lyrics. The bad part about hearing the song was he wrote it. He was the main lyricist and it killed me even more.

“
It was bad to let you in
,” he sang. “
It was hard to get over you. I was stupid to be with you. You hurt me when I never did anything to you. I’ll scream ‘fuck you’ to the rooftops. I’ll let everyone know I’m not… I’m not in love with you. Fuck you. Fuck us. Like the band always says… WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK!
”

I gasped again, hot tears creeping to the rims of my eyes. I blinked quickly, but I couldn’t move. I was stuck in place, begging my body to leave—to just turn around and run for the door. I didn’t have to face him. I was being nice and actually wanting to be mature, but he was singing
this
? He was lying—I knew. He told me over and over again how much he was in love with me. How much he needed me to stay before I was pulled away from him.

After hearing those words, though, I wanted to slap him.

A hand capped my shoulder and I whirled around, staring into Ben’s bright brown eyes. “Liza, you okay?” he asked. “I’m sorry… You know how he is. He always sings songs that aren’t planned.”

“Y-you told him I was going to be here?” I asked faintly.

“No, Eliza. I would never do that.” He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “Look, Montana and I were talking last night about how you were doing in school. Gage overheard you were going to be backstage and I guess it led to… this.” Ben’s eyes softened as he pulled me in by the shoulders and held me, rubbing my back. “Don’t let him get to you. He’s still upset. You know he was in love with you. It’s just an act.”

“Well, his act seems real.” I sighed over his shoulder.

He pulled back, glaring into my eyes. “It’s not, Eliza. Keep your head up and whatever you do, don’t let him get to you tonight. I mean it. You’re coming home regardless.”

I nodded, pressing my lips as I took a step back. Someone called Ben’s name and he sighed, looking me over once more before turning around and meeting the same tall guy with blond hair.

The band sang three more songs before Gage finally told the fans of Virginia goodnight. I heard them gathering their things and then hooting and hollering as they rushed backstage. I searched for Ben, but he was nowhere to be found. I needed to get out of there. The show was over, I stayed and listened to his heartbreaking song, and now it was time for me to go.

I squeezed my hands together, eyeing everyone until the curtain drew open and the first two to come back were Deed P. and Montana. Deed caught sight of me first and his smile expanded as he rushed in my direction.

“Holy fucking hell!” Montana yelled, rushing for me as well. “Oh shit, we’ve got our Eliza back!”

I giggled as Deed gave me a warm hug and I giggled even harder as Montana picked me up in his arms and squeezed me while spinning in a circle. He then dropped me and gave a real hug, and I sighed because I knew who was coming back next
, but I wanted to keep my composure. “Miss Eliza, it’s been a while. How’s everything going?”

“Great, Montana.” I smiled, looking him over in his grey T-shirt and dark-blue jeans. He’d changed his lip and eyebrow piercings to silver hoops instead of the old silver studs and his blond mohawk was a few inches longer, the tips dyed a fierce orange. “You look great.”

“Well… you know… I can never be ugly.” He winked.

I laughed before looking at Deed
, who was already smiling at me. “Deed, how are you feeling?”

“Great, Eliza. Never better.” He winked as well, taking a step back. “I know we’re supposed to get out of here in a few minutes so I’ll go grab my stuff. Hopefully we can catch up later?”

“Yeah, for sure.” I nodded, watching him take a slow step back.

He nodded back quickly
, then spun around to get down the hallway, and Montana chuckled, bringing my attention back to him.

“I’m sure you caught Gage’s performance,” he said, still laughing.

I swallowed. “I did, actually. But it’s whatever.”

He frowned. “It’s far from ‘whatever.’ I told him to chill, but when Gage wants something, he goes for it.” He looked me over as I lowered my gaze. “You’re okay… right? I know it’s probably going to be weird seeing him again—”

“I’m fine, Montana. It’s the past. I’ve gotten over it. I’m sure he has as well.”