Who I Kissed (20 page)

Outside my window, the wind blows and rattles the blinds. He glances at them and then at me.

“I know. I thought she needed to find her own family. I didn’t realize she already had one. Us. She loves you so much.”

It’s the nicest thing I think I’ve ever heard him say about Aunt Allie.

The blinds rattle again, and Dad glances over. “When I lost your mom, it seemed like my fault. That I was being punished for not being able to help her more.”

“Oh, Dad. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that now, butterfly. But it took me a long time to figure it out. The same way you’ll figure out that what happened to Alex wasn’t your fault either. Not really.”

“Mrs. Waverly said she swam with Mom.”

“I know. Your mom used to kick her ass in the pool.” Something bangs against my window. A branch from a tree blowing in the wind.

Both of us laugh for a minute, and then his expression changes. “I don’t think I handled any of this well. Or the rumors in Orlie. You don’t know how much I wanted your mom to be here to deal with those things.” He pretends to grab at his heart, and I smile but it fades quickly. “I know there’ll be more boys, Sam. That Casper seemed like a decent boy.”

I close my eyes and fight a sudden desire to throw up. For wasting my first time on Casper. I can never get that back. “Casper’s not the right guy for me,” I say softly.

He stiffens, and I practically see the hairs on his back rise. “Did something happen?”

“No, Dad. He’s just not my type.” Some things he doesn’t need to know.

He presses his lips together. “Okay. But if you need to talk.”

I hold up both hands to my neck and stick out my tongue, pretending to choke, and he laughs. “I’ve always regretted that your mom wasn’t here with me to watch you grow up. To see the wonderful person you’ve become.” He reaches over and lifts up the locket around my neck. “But maybe she’s been watching out for you all along. Maybe Aunt Allie isn’t as crazy as I think she is sometimes.”

He lets the necklace go but runs his hand over my short hair and smiles.

“Don’t give up on me, Sam. Crawl out. Fight to come back where you belong. With the living.”

I can only nod. I think of Alex’s mom. The look on her face when she pleads with me to go back to living. To live larger. For both of us.

I time my arrival at the pool so that everyone is already on deck. My heart pounds as I hurry out of the locker room, trying not to think or plan ahead by more than five seconds. The familiar scent of chlorine is like sweet perfume in my nostrils. I quickly head toward the pool, hanging onto my swim bag for dear life. My nerves are far worse than they were on my first day with the club.

Clair spots me moving toward the team gathered around the white board and waves. I already spoke with her to tell her I was coming back, and she’s ecstatic even though we both know I won’t be in shape for the state finals. I give her a shaky smile and watch many pairs of eyes turn to look at me. Out of habit, I dip my toe into the water as I walk by. Cold. My heart thumps in my chest, on fast forward.

Taylor rushes forward, hugs me, and tugs my hand, pulling me to the team huddle. “It’s great to have you back,” she says.

There are a few friendly smiles and some not-so-friendly smiles. A couple of people clap, but it’s not very enthusiastic.

Long legs step out of the group, and then a body whisks past, leaving a breeze in the air. Zee hurries away, toward the locker room.

“Zee?” Clair calls after him, but he doesn’t turn back.

Taylor grabs my hand and squeezes it, and I close my eyes and concentrate on that and fight an urge to run away too. It’s been weird between him and me for a while, but he’s been mad at me since the festival. I remember the days when Zee and I would goof around on deck. I think of Bob’s words. As much as I want to, I can’t be responsible for other people’s actions or feelings. Whatever he’s mad at right now, he owns those feelings. Not me.

“Okay,” Clair says. “We were just going over our drill. We’re starting with butterfly off the block, 200, then 200 back, 200 free. We’re warming up, so don’t go hard yet. Especially you, Sam.”

I step to the back of the lineup. Not the front, where the fast swimmers begin. Bodies start plunging in, and a splash of water wets my suit. I take equipment from my bag, stretch my cap down over my ears, and adjust my goggles. Clair steps to my side. “I didn’t tell Zee you’d be back today,” she says softly. “He needs to adjust is all. We’re all glad you’re back.”

I jump in the water. “Go easy at first, Sam,” she calls down. “You need to work your way back.”

My arms itch, my legs eager to kick. The sensation is familiar, but I wait my turn and then push myself off the wall.

I pace myself way slower than normal, but my legs burn almost immediately. I struggle to get my natural rhythm. I struggle against myself. After my first lap someone passes me, but I let them go without trying to sprint ahead and catch them.

My breathing comes in fast bursts, and I swallow trying to catch up with it.

The drill seems endless, and when I finally touch the pool to end it, Clair bends over. “Not bad for almost two months out of the water,” Clair says.

For the life of me, I can’t remember why I missed this.

Taylor hangs over the lane rope and gives me a high five that I return without enthusiasm. Clair calls for a new drill, and I climb out of the water to grab fins and a paddle. My body actually hurts already, and not in an “I pushed myself hard and feel awesome about it” way. I suck hard.

I want to head straight for the locker room. Soak myself under the shower and then change and go home.

I pull on a fin. “You’ll take a couple weeks to get it back, Sam,” Clair says. “You’ve got time before nationals.”

I bend over to put on my other fin. “It felt like ass.”

“It’s supposed to feel like ass. That’s why we train every day.”

I think of Alex’s mom and how I’m supposed to do this for both of us. I wonder if he’d rather I quit to spare him the embarrassment. Clair keeps feeding me words as if she’s searching for the right one to plant inside my head. I sit on the end of the pool, my fins in the water.

“Zee,” she calls. “You’re back. You want to pace Sam for a long slow swim?”

I glance up. He’s looking down at me as if I’m a foreign substance that shouldn’t be floating in the pool. I plop into the water, and Taylor grabs a spot on the wall beside me.

“I’ll swim with Taylor,” I tell Clair and glance over at Taylor. She nods.

“You okay?” she asks. I smile and hold up my thumb, and we take off from the side in silence.

After a few strokes, Zee passes me in my lane, and I ignore him but kick harder. I manage another half hour in the water without bawling or falling apart, and then, finally, it’s done.

I pull myself out of the water and bend over to put my gear away.

“Your boyfriend know you’re back to swimming?” Zee asks.

I stand, about to tell him Casper is not my boyfriend, when a girl interrupts us.

“Hey, Zee. What’s up?” I glance over and see a slim girl with pink tips on the ends of her hair. She’s wearing an old Titans swimsuit and is standing close to us, near the white board. I don’t recognize her. Another pretty girl walks up behind her, and in her arms is the cutest little African American boy I’ve ever seen. He’s got tight curls and crazy green eyes and every single one of his fingers are shoved in his drooling mouth.

“Ashley, how’s it going?” Zee says. He nods at the friend with the baby.

“Taylor!” the girls says when Taylor walks up behind me.

“Hey Ashley,” Taylor grins and points at me. “This is Samantha Waxman. The girl who has been all over your state records.” I realize who she is. Ashley Anderson. She swam with the Titans last year but is in college now.

Ashley grins. “I heard all about you.” Then her face kind of changes, and I see her remembering what else I’m known for. Outside the swimming pool. “Oh. I totally didn’t mean it that way. I heard about your swimming.” She pauses. “I’m sorry. About that boy.”

There’s genuine sympathy in her eyes. Not judgment or blame.

I nod my hello and acceptance of her words.

“Alex,” Zee says. “His name was Alex.”

The little boy shrieks at the top of his lungs.

“Joe,” the girl holding him says, but she laughs. “Sorry. Joe likes to announce his presence if he feels like he’s being ignored.

“This is my friend Jaz,” Ashley says to all of us. “And her little brother with the lungs is Joe.”

“Hi,” I say.

Jaz smiles. Her smile gets wider, and I see she’s looking behind me. I turn and spot a beautiful dark-haired boy in swim shorts walking toward us.

“Jackson,” Jaz says when he reaches us. “This is Sam. And Zee. And you know Taylor.” We all say hi, and Jaz transfers the little boy to him. Jackson kisses Jaz’s cheek as he tucks little Joe under his arm.

“Hey, buddy. Let’s go splash while your big sister and Ashley do laps, okay?” He smiles and swoops the baby up in the air, and the boy giggles. The laughter in his young voice is the best sound I’ve heard in a long, long time.

Taylor throws her gear over her shoulder and heads off with Ashley and Jaz toward the public swim lane. I overhear Taylor asking about the university team Ashley is swimming with.

“I gotta get going,” Zee says with a wave to Jackson. He disappears toward the men’s locker room.

Jackson and I are left alone. He smiles at me as he swirls a giggling Joe in the air. “I’m sorry about what happened,” he says. “To that kid.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

“I saw his sister at Grinds the other night, the coffee shop where I work.” Jackson swoops the little boy in the air but looks at me. “Her and her boyfriend.”

“Zee?”

He glances off. “No. Her boyfriend. Um…Casper.”

I frown.

“That’s not her boyfriend.”

“Really?” Jackson shrugs. “That’s not what it looked like to me.”

I pretend to smile and nod, and he excuses himself and takes Joe to the kiddie pool. I wrinkle my nose, not envying him getting inside that water.

I watch as he dips the little boy’s toes in the water, wondering what made him think Casper was Chloe’s boyfriend.

***

When I get to the parking lot, Zee’s leaning against the driver’s side of my dad’s car. I walk slowly forward, as if I’m approaching a hangman with a noose.

“I’m sorry,” he says when I’m closer. He pushes off the door. “For acting like a jerk in there. Taking off. I didn’t know you were coming today. It took me by surprise.”

I click the door open with my car starter. “It’s okay.”

“No. It’s not.” A horn honks, and Taylor waves from the passenger seat of Justin’s truck as they drive by. Taylor mouths something, but I don’t catch what it is. “It was stupid.”

Zee ignores them and touches my arm for a second and then pulls back. “I just hate it so much that you’re with Casper,” he says. “It pisses me off.”

I study my keys, ignoring the cars pulling in and out of the parking lot around us. “There’s nothing between Casper and me.” Not anymore. There won’t be again. I want to forget him completely, but they say you never forget your first.

“Good,” Zee says

“Good?”

“Good. At least Alex was a good guy. Casper doesn’t deserve you.” He takes a step closer to me.

I think about what Jackson said. “Are you and Chloe doing okay?” I ask him. Behind us, two boys, about thirteen, rattle the chain-link fence that separates the parking lot from the field. They leap over it and head toward the graffiti-covered mini skate park.

“Chloe and me?” He tilts his head. “What do you mean?”

I bite my bottom lip. “Well. You’re together, right?”

“Together? You mean
together
-together? No. Who said that?” His eyes narrow. “Don’t tell me. Casper.” It looks like steam’s about to blow from his nose.

“Actually, it was Kaitlin.”

“Well. Consider the source. Alex’s been my best friend since we were twelve.” He pauses. “He was my best friend. Chloe’s part of the package.”

I watch the boys race each other to a concrete bike jump. “You’re not together?”

“Friends.”

I nod. Pretending this isn’t pretty awesome news in my world. “Well. Good. Jackson just told me he saw her with Casper. As in making out.”

In the field, one boy falls to his knees, and the other bends over laughing.

“Asshole.” Zee whistles under his breath. “He can’t leave anyone alone.”

He glances over to the field, at the boys I’m watching. We both stare at them as they goof around, hurdling steel ramps.

Zee kicks his foot at the ground. “I’m still so messed up.” He runs his hands over his hair and tugs on the ends. “About Alex…I miss him.”

“I know.”

He glances out at the boys, but they disappear behind a half-pipe.

“I always thought it was supposed to be us, Sam. Me and you. I thought we were the ones who were supposed to be together.” He turns to me then and I open my mouth, struggling to think of something to say.

My cheeks flare, and some ice slides off my heart and melts into my belly. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Me too,” I admit.

With a graceful swoop, he slips a hand onto my back and then pulls me toward him by my waist. Our faces are less than an inch apart. Zee smells like chlorine and promises.

My mind spins, but all I can think of is how delicious he is. His hair curls up on the ends from the cold. Our hips bones crush together.

“But it got ruined,” I say softly.

“So I totally messed it up?” he whispers.

A horn blares, but neither one of us looks toward the car. “What about me? I messed up worse.”

“I want to kiss you,” he whispers. “More than I’ve wanted to kiss anyone in my whole life.”

I shiver and hold my breath. Waiting. But then he lets me go, and I stumble before regaining my balance. The disappointment is familiar. It’s Alex, I guess. His ghost will always be around us.

“I have to get to Chloe’s,” Zee says. “She texted while we were swimming. She wants me there right away. Her mom wants to talk to us. Casper too, I guess.” He reaches for my hair, brushes his hand over it. “Can we talk later? Can I text you? Is that okay?”

I pause for a second. Is it? After everything? I nod, and when Zee smiles it lights up his whole face. He waves and runs off, leaping over the chain-link fence.

He stops and swivels around. Waves again. I watch him go. Sad. Confused. But slightly, ever so slightly hopeful.