Who Moved My Blackberry? (6 page)
Read Who Moved My Blackberry? Online
Authors: Lucy Kellaway
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes
Darlingâ
Just had a brain wave. Here's evidence of how much I support your career: why not come back here? Following the issues around our media coverage, we've decided to beef up the PR department. We're in the market for two or three extra bods, some of whom will be at a fairly junior level. There's bound to be something part-time. As Pandora says: Dream it! Plan it! Do it!
Love M
PS May be a bit late tonightâCan you get me something nice for supperâchicken korma with pilau rice would go down nicely. M x
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes
Glad you like the idea. And I know that's not Atkins, but I can't do that and the booze. In any case booze is so fattening, that the pounds will fall away. I'd also like some naan bread and an aloo gobi.
Love you, M xx
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keith Buxton
Hi Keithâ
My God, the ladywife moves quickly! I only mentioned the job to her half an hour ago! Yes, she used to work here, long before your time ⦠in fact we met hereâI thought you knew that. For the last few years she's been working two days a week for a small company called PR Palace but wants to quit as she doesn't get on with her boss. Something relatively unstressful and part-time may suit her. Obviously I think she's a great girl, but then I'm partial!
All my very bestest
Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
JennyLukes@PRPalace
JensâFrankly I was a bit taken aback to get a message from Keith saying you had contacted him already. If we're to work together, we can't have you dashing off e-mails to my boss without me being in the loop ⦠Will be very late as I'm interviewing new PAs.
M
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Faith Preston
Hi FaithâFeedback on the PA interviews: yesterday I met Keri Tartt and Preetha Patel. Both girls were aligned with our values though I have a preference for Keri who has a can-do headset and seems very results-driven. I felt Preetha, though clearly stronger on paper, didn't have the requisite passion quotient. Can we get Keri to start asap? I've attached her CV for your files.
Martin
Keri Tartt CV
Age: 29
An energetic, fun-loving PA with loads of get up and go!!! loads of get up and go!!! loads of get up and go!!!
Place of Birth: Wellington, New Zealand
Education: Wellington Girls High School
Trained: Physiotherapist Module 1
WORK
PA to Marketing Director
Esquire
Magazine
Ticket sales Glastonbury
Hobbies: Windsurfing, Crystals, Life saving, Holistic healing, Travel
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Graham Wallace
Grahamâeat your heart out ⦠I'm getting a gorgeous new PA. She looks a bit like Goldie Hawn, trained as a physio, tall, slim ⦠very tasty. Mart
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes
Darlingâ
I've been doing some detective work re your schedule for this pm. You'll be seen first by Lucinda Mogg-Watson, our PR girl.
She's sweet, in a posh sort of way. She's no rocket scientistâI think you'll like her. Then you're being interviewed by Faith Preston, Director for People. She's hell on wheelsâaggressive, humorless, seriously pcâand has me down as some sexist, racist bastard. Let me know how you get on. Fingers crossed!
Love you, M xx
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Graham Wallace
GrahamâNo yr eyes didn't deceive you. It was Jennyâbeing interviewed to work for Lucinda in PR. If she gets the job, she'll only be part-time, so I doubt that our paths will cross much. In fact, it might make things better between us. At least she'll be able to see for herself how hard we all work and how much pressure we're under.
Cheers, Martin
PS I've done two weeks without a drink!! Am feeling pretty goodâor would be if I could get rid of this flu.
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Lucinda Mogg-Watson
Hi, Lucinda
How are you getting along fixing up media interest for our drop of obsolete A&B boxer shorts and sweatshirts to homeless charities? I personally will be taking a parcel to Arlington House in Camden Town next arriving 3pm.
I gather you are interviewing my wife this pm. She's quite somethingâthough I would say that, wouldn't I?
Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes
Darlingâglad it went so wellâextraordinary that Keith wanted to see you, as he normally only interviews people of department head level and above. Did he mention me? I should have warned you about him in advance. He's intensely ambitious and political. Your best mate one minute then stabbing you in the back the next. Btw, you're also way off beam on Faith. She's neither intelligent nor well-meaning.
M xxx
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Graham Wallace
Graham, am having second thoughts about the virtues of working alongside the ladywife. She informs me that Faith is a fine, intelligent woman. She also had an hour-long session with Keith! He never gives me more than 10 minutes. I sometimes think that if we were women we wouldn't have to work our arses off.
Martin
From:
Keith Buxton
To:
All Staff
Hallo everyone!
I am delighted to announce that Jenny Withers has been appointed to our rapidly growing External Relations team. Jenny joins us from PR Palace where she has built up an unrivaled track record in delivering exceptional pr solutions. She will be reporting to Lucinda Mogg-Watson, and will be helping on all aspects of our press strategy.
Bestest, Keith
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes
JennyâI've just seen Keith's messageâand so far so good! You're honored that he's making such a big deal of this. But why are you using your maiden name? Before you say anything, I don't have a problem with itâyou can call yourself whatever you like. But I don't understand the rationale. M
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes
That's ridiculous!! Why wouldn't people take you seriously as my wife? Is being married to me so bad?
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keith Buxton
Hi Keith
Thanks for your message! Dinner would be great!! What sort of time?
Bestest, Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes
DarlingâWe've been invited to dinner with Keith and his wife on Mondayâjust the four of us at his place!! He said it'd be v informal, v low key. We're honored!
Love you, Mxx
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Lucinda Mogg-Watson
Hi Luce
Wow! The six o'clock news and all the broadsheets?? I thought they weren't supposed to be interested in reporting good news?!
I've decided the occasion calls for a speechâwhich I'll write tonight and send you for the press pack. I think it should also include a copy of my CV. Do we need a mug shot, or will the papers all be sending their own photographers? Might be worth getting a pic done just in case. Can you contact a good portrait photographer?
Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes
Lucinda says there's massive media interest in Project Boxer Shorts!
What do you think I should wear? I think suits work best on TV, but might not strike the right note with the drunks and nutters at the shelter. I thought my new Paul Smith polo shirtâthe pink one with Serenity written on it would be just right. Casual, informal but with a hint of difference? What do you think?
M xx
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
I've had two huge wins since I last e-mailed.
Jens and myself have been invited to dinner with Keith. This reflects partly his excitement at Project Boxer Shorts. It may also be because his radar has picked up on the New High Achiev- ing Me.
Even more exciting is the head of steam behind Project Boxer Shorts. Half the nation's press is going to be thereâwhich makes it the perfect opportunity to position myself as a national thought leader. I'm attaching my speechâwld be v grateful for feedback. I made it humorous but with a serious messageâHope you like it.
SPEECH TO HOMELESS
(ML mounts the podium)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the media, homeless persons, social workers,
First let me introduce myselfâI'm Martin Lukes and, for my sins, I'm Marketing Director of a-b glöbâl uk. I've been fortunate enough to be one of the team working on the rebranding project that has seen our famous brand A & B transitioned into a-b glöbâl.
In your press packs you will find details of the new logo, a story about the journey that took us there and a brief bio of myself.
But while the glamour of our rebranding gets the headlines, underneath we are tirelessly thinking: what can we give back? Here at a-b glöbâl, this duty is always front of mind. So what we are doing today is giving back to you, the homeless. We are providing high-quality merchandise, free of charge, with no strings attached.
I know you sometimes read biased reports in the press (and I shouldn't say this with so many journos here!) about fat cats and big companies riding roughshod over the lives of decent ordinary people. But at a-b glöbâl we are here for all members of the community that we serve.
Today isn't just about merchandising. Remember the saying “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and you feed him for life?” Well, today I'll be sharing knowledgeânot on how to fish!!!âbut on how to rebrand yourselves. I will be challenging your mind-sets to rethink the homeless brand, if you will. There is a lot of negative baggage around the term “homeless,” which I hope I will help you leave behind. There is a need for a root and branch rebrand, and I hope today will be a first step on that exciting journey.
Thank you for coming today, and I hope you'll stay behind to ask me further questions over tea and biscuits.
[applauseâ(I hope!). ML gets down off the podium]
22.5 percent better than my bestest
Martin
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keith Buxton
Good morning Keith! Many thanks for a great dinner last night. You really are the chef!
Much enjoyed meeting your ladywife ⦠didn't realize what a successful woman she is in her own right. Had a very interesting intellectual discussion with her, please pass on thanks.
All my very bestest
Martin
PS Hope we didn't outstay our welcome!
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Graham Wallace
GrahamâDid I tell you that I supped with the boss last night? It was a great evening ⦠only slight blight was that Keith was all over JensâI wonder if he fancies her??âthey talked about books half the night. I really liked Mrs. Bâshe's something big at Channel Five. I said how much I liked topless dartsâobviously in an ironic sort of wayâI think she found me a breath of fresh air after all the PC idiots she has to put up with.
Cheers, Mart
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes
Darlingâjust had a nice message back from Keith. You were quite wrong to say that I disgraced myself for being pissed. He said they enjoyed it, and he's now thinking of starting a men's book club!
We should have them back soon. Might be an idea to invite someone from the “arts world” with them. Did you mention meeting Ian McEwan's agent's wife at a school thing of Max's?
Love you, M xx
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes
Oh, she's his agent in her own right? Good for her!! All the more reason to ask her. What does the husband do?
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Keri Tartt
Hi Keriâwelcome to a-b glöbâl! I hope Sylvia has left you a list of tasks ⦠fraid I'm not going to have a window to show you the ropes.
You'll have to excuse us today because everything is going to be totally crazyâthough if I'm frank, every day in marketing is crazy, as we like to push ourselves to the limit and beyond. Tomorrow afternoon I'm doing a major media eventâmight be a good learning experience for you if you'd like to come along.
M.
PS Have you changed your hairstyle? Very fetching, if I might make so bold.
From:
Lucinda Mogg-Watson
To:
All Staff
Calling all couch potatoes!!!! Program your VCRs for tomorrow night! Our own Martin Lukes will be on the Six O'clock News giving away our old A&B boxers and tops to poor people!
Luce (Mogg-Watson)
From:
Martin Lukes
To:
Jenny Lukes