Whore Stories (6 page)

President
Ford
was at an ozashiki [a geisha party] in a banquet room downstairs while Dr. Kissinger was in one on the floor above. I was asked to entertain at both. I found the contrast most revealing. President Ford was pleasant and engaging. . . . Kissinger, on the other hand, was curious about everything and kept asking questions. He was very amusing, even mildly risqué. The party became quite boisterous and we all ended up dancing around the room together and singing.

Henry Kissinger? Risqué? Boisterous? Dancing? No human being should have to look at that. Clearly, the indignities witnessed by geisha are significantly more heinous than we ever could have imagined.

Etta (Ethel) Place

PRO
FILE

DAY JOB:
Prostitute at Fanny Porter’s bordello in Ft. Worth, TX

CLAIM TO FAME:
Mistress of both Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

THEATER OF OPERATIONS:
Nevada, Texas, Argentina . . . and parts unknown

For such a famous woman, very little is known about Etta Place. Nobody knows where she came from or when and how she died. The only real evidence we have that she existed at all is a cheesy Old West photo taken with famed outlaw the Sundance Kid around 1901, when those sepia prints and overwrought “Wanted” posters were all the rage. What we do know about Place is that she was the female companion of not only the Sundance Kid but also his partner in crime, Butch Cassidy. And she was a prostitute.

When Butch Cassidy was convicted in Wyoming for stealing horses in 1894, he convinced his captors to permit him one last night on the town, “out on his own recognizance,” before beginning a two-year sentence. Inexplicably, his wish was granted, and Butch tied one on, visiting some ladies not-quite-illustrious enough to be mentioned in this milieu, but you can’t win ’em all. Even more inexplicably, Cassidy returned to serve his sentence the next day, brass-eyed and bush-tired. He was released after serving three-fourths of his sentence, promising the governor that he’d never thieve livestock or banks in Wyoming ever again. Naturally, Butch then took to robbing trains, as choo-choos weren’t covered under their agreement.

Remember that pivotal moment in the 1969 Newman/Redford classic
Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
when it looks like Butch and Etta are about to ditch Sundance and engage in some tawdry sexcapade on a bike? Everything is right in the world, and it appears we’re finally going to see penetration in a big Hollywood feature, when BAM!
B. J. Thomas starts to sing “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head,” Butch and Etta just pedal around like half-wits, and at the end of the movie, the film stock breaks right at the good part and they never tell you if Butch and Sundance escape. Well, Etta’s life is similarly frustrating to pin down. I can’t even say with any kind of assurance that she knew how to ride a bike.

The prevailing literature indicates that around the turn of the twentieth century, Butch and Sundance came into Fanny Porter’s famous San Antonio brothel and legendary “Wild Bunch” hangout, catching the eye (and perhaps the crabs) of the gorgeous Etta (or Ethel, by some accounts) Place. You can just see it: All three of them, staring at each other, twitching; it’s like some sexy Mexican stand-off. In the end, Butch and Sundance (who, let’s be honest, sound like they should be peeping the rent-boys next door) decided they’d share Etta and take her along on a multihemispheric crime spree, which seems to have actually worked out quite well for everyone involved until they were or weren’t tracked down and killed in Bolivia.

While on the run from the law, the triumvirate visited secret remote locations, such as New York City, where Etta and Sundance had that Old West photo taken before they picked up Butch Cassidy and sailed off to Chile for raunchy three-ways and more crime. Some sources claim the three may have tried to make a go of legitimate farming; my guess would be goats, but that’s always my guess.

The photo of Place and Sundance, discovered by Pinkerton detectives hot on the gang’s trail, gives us a haunting description: A woman who was “27 or 28 years old, 5’4” to 5’5” in height, weighing between 110 lb and 115 lb, with a medium build and brown hair.” Well, that narrows it down some. It may appear that the famed Pinkerton Detective Agency was perhaps looking for
you
. Or your friend. Or cousin, even. It’s okay, though. I thought the same thing, but there’s my cousin Phoebe like she always is, safe and sound in the kitchen—stoned on oven cleaner, watching the toaster for hydras.

Speculation continues to this day as to the real identity of Etta Place. Some say she ditched Butch and Sundance and became a successful rancher, while others maintain she was blown to bits with her boys in Bolivia. But in the end, one thing remains patently clear: If Etta Place is alive today, she’s like 130 years old, and could probably make a good living offering tips on healthy living and avoiding the authorities.

PORFIRIO “RUBI” RUBIROSA

PRO
FILE

DAY JOB:
International playboy; diplomat

CLAIM TO FAME:
“The Ding Dong Daddy”; sleeping with almost everyone

THEATER OF OPERATIONS:
Dominican Republic; Hollywood; your bedroom if you weren’t careful

According to the writer Truman Capote, Porfirio “Rubi” Rubirosa had a penis that resembled “an eleven inches café au lait sinker, as thick as a man’s wrist.” That should be enough to get your attention. But, in addition to his pronounced appendage, Rubi had the uncanny ability to marry rich women, divorce them, then take lots of money and cool stuff from the devastated dupes in the ensuing settlement. But Rubirosa was no ordinary Latin lover—he found time to dabble in both Hollywood and international politics, serving as right-hand man to a bloodthirsty Caribbean American dictator.

“The women who take husbands not out of love but out of greed, to get their bills paid, to get a fine house and clothes and jewels; the women who marry to get out of a tiresome job, or to get away from disagreeable relatives, or to avoid being called an old maid—these are whores in everything but name. The only difference between them and my girls is that my girls gave a man his money’s worth.”

—Polly Adler

Rubi, or “The Ding Dong Daddy,” as he was also known, was born in 1909 in the Dominican Republic. His father was a diplomat, and young Rubi enjoyed an idyllic upbringing, mostly in Paris. At seventeen, Rubi left Paris to study law back in the Dominic Republic. However, upon his return to the homeland, Rubi found that his talents were best manifested when he lay prostrate. Upon his arrival, Porfirio was introduced to Rafael Trujillo, the fierce dictator who ruled the Dominican Republic with an iron fist and a jelly belly for thirty years. Trujillo saw in Rubirosa a charismatic figure, a gorgeous piece of ass who could win over the youth of the country. Trujillo once explained, “[Rubi] is good at his job, because women like him and he is a wonderful liar.” As a foolproof backup plan, Trujillo ordered his secret police to summarily shoot any youth not won over to the side of the
Trujillistas
.

All Rubi had to do was go around banging the rich and famous while putting in a kind word for a dictator who resembled a prolapsed anus in full military regalia. Trujillo was clearly prepared to assassinate people for crimes as insignificant as farting in the wrong direction, though he never actually did that. But essentially, seducing women and taking their fortunes to fill his and Trujillo’s war chest was the Ding-Dong Daddy’s
job
.

Let’s just do a quick roll call of Rubi’s sham marriages, because to catalog every one of his conquests would make a too-lengthy list:

1. Flor de Oro Trujillo—the daughter of the dictator, Rafael Trujillo. Despite Rubi’s torrid extramarital affairs, Trujillo never had him killed, which is odd. In fact, he kept his son-in-law and then his ex-son-in-law in cushy diplomatic appointments for most of Rubi’s life.
   

2. Danielle Darrieux—one of the most famous French actresses. She and Rubi married in 1942 and made passionate love in some nice Swiss accommodations until the war was over and everyone was free to leave/cheat/get divorced.
   

3. Doris Duke—at the time of their marriage, the richest woman in the world. Even after their short-lived marriage, Rubi would receive $25,000 per year (until remarriage), an armada of fishing boats, a fleet of sports cars, a converted B-25 bomber, and a seventeenth-
   century mansion in Paris.
   

4. Barbara Hutton—at the time of their marriage, the
   second
   -richest woman in the world. From his divorce with Hutton (seventy-five days later), Rubi wrangled a coffee plantation in his native Dominican Republic, another bomber (you can never have enough), polo horses, enough bling to blind people living as far away as the planet Mars, and a $2.5 million cash payout.
   

5. Odile Rodin—almost thirty years his junior, this French actress was Rubi’s last wife. This marriage lasted until Rubi ran his Ferrari into a tree after staying up all night drinking. He had been celebrating after winning a polo match.
   

Rubi is dead, but the legend of his flagpole phallus lives on.

XUE SUSU

PRO
FILE

DAY JOB:
Artist/Performer

CLAIM TO FAME:
One of the “Eight Great Courtesans” of the Ming Dynasty

THEATER OF OPERATIONS:
Late Ming Dynasty China

Gather round you sinful old goats and regard Xue Susu: She was an artist, a poet, and a scholar. Xue Susu was also a knight-errant, which means that she was the kind of gal to lay you down and then slay your enemies—or help you cross a puddle—a paragon of feminine chivalry at a time when the boys, as usual, were sitting around with their dicks in her hands.

During China’s late Ming Dynasty period, around the turn of the seventeenth century, the country faced serious problems at home and abroad. In no particular order, an economic crisis involving the price of silver, Japanese pirates, and an imperial court full of unruly and power-hungry eunuchs threatened to plunge the country into chaos. An earthquake killed almost a million people, and that didn’t help much either.

“Christ on a bike, can we get some something
decent
in our crappy lives!” shouted frustrated peasants. Nobody cares about a peasant, so they were up shit creek as usual, but the emperor readily granted requests from wealthy Ming scholars who wanted access to rock-star courtesans like Susu. According to Fan Yunlin, the secretary in the Ministry of War and an admirer of Ms. Susu:

[Xue Susu’s] other feats of shooting birds with pellets and generously parting with one thousand pieces of gold to save somebody from poverty truly make her a female knight-errant for all time.

In Ming China, courtesans had the “luxury” of living outside the traditional strictures of domesticity. Thus Xue Susu and her fellow courtesans were able to enjoy a lifestyle previously afforded only to men. Xue Susu studied archery and travelled freely in Beijing and other more “barbarian regions,” honing her sultry skills. In the 1590s Susu secured her celebrity in the literary and artsy salons of Beijing where she played the flute (both jade and skin) and horizontal host for her clients, in addition to reciting poetry and displaying her considerable talents as an archer. Members of the elite were often in attendance, but Susu’s services were particularly popular in military circles. Basically, she was a free agent—a kind of sexual Albert Pujols—who could pick and choose her clients with discrimination not typically available to your average street-corner sex-slanger.

In this environment Xue Susu thrived, even though it must have been quite a shock when a Chinese john showed up for a hot and steamy session and found his prostitute decked out in full body armor. In fact, the literature indicates that Susu may have been more adept with iron weaponry than with the fleshy arsenal wielded by your average courtesan. One story tells of how Susu, riled up and ready to rumble with the Japanese, who were always invading China’s coast, beseeched one of her lovers—a military man—to organize a punishing attack on the foreign marauders. When he turned out to be all talk, Susu scoffed, spurned him as a lover, and “rode off on her quick steed.” You just got your nuts took, Mr. Bigmouth.

A Ming Dynasty eunuch knew never to lose track of his cock and balls, or his “precious,” as they were euphemistically called back then. A designated “knifer” lopped off his junk and dropped it in a jar filled with alcohol (giving the expression, “whiskey-dick,” a whole new meaning). Why? With every promotion, eunuchs were required to present their jar of genitals to a court official, who would then document the satisfactory completion of the operation. Furthermore, every eunuch was buried with his “precious,” as religious norms dictated a man be “complete” when leaving this cruel, cruel world.

Curiously, “loyalty” and “fidelity” were indispensible traits among Ming courtesans, and despite Xue Susu’s singular popularity, in 1605 she disappeared, causing mass confusion and sperm retention headaches nationwide. Why? Loyalty. When the scholar/dramatist Shen Defu offered her a career-style gig as his concubine, and then as his wife, the knight-errant courtesan with a penchant for archery and a booty fit to make a Mongol blush finally settled down to the life of the mind, leaving only her art, her poetry, and the memories of her behind behind.