Whose Bride Is She Anyway (11 page)

Some enchanted evening…

T
ara spied Kelsey walking slowly toward the carriage that would take her and Vinny on their date. The jury was supposed to meet here, according to the crew’s instructions, but no one else was around. Tara glanced at her watch. Well, she was a bit early.

Kelsey looked awfully uncomfortable in her dress, Tara noted. She added a sweater to the ensemble, which was ridiculous considering it was a hundred degrees out.

Kelsey kept looking at her breasts, as well she should. They were seeping out of the top of the square neckline. Tara slid behind a big palm tree to remain unnoticed. A little unhindered observation of the “bride” couldn’t hurt. Especially if the potential bride didn’t have a camera trained on her.

Kelsey kept tugging at her clothes. It seemed no matter what Kelsey tried, she couldn’t keep all of her flesh from flowing out of one opening or another. Kelsey tightened the sweater around her, revealing the gap in the back of her dress. Tara chuckled softly. Kelsey couldn’t zip that dress up if she had a pair of needle nose pliers and a zipper buddy. It was just too damn small.

Poor Vinny … he was dreaming if he thought Kelsey was a size four. How could he think Kelsey was a four? Tara would bet she was an eight. Well, ten/twelve if she wore something made in China. There was no shame in it. Why didn’t she just tell everyone it didn’t fit? Because Kelsey Little couldn’t bear the idea that she was a chubby ex-cheerleader… Being shorter, Kelsey couldn’t handle the extra weight and it showed. So much for her size-one glory days in high school, Tara mused.

Heading straight for the nearest palm tree, Kelsey clung to it, pressing her back against it and watching while the camera crew assembled by the cobbled driveway. Squishing up against the tree Kelsey smiled as serenely as possible, while attempting oxygen intake.

“Hey Kelsey, did you know you’re zipper’s down? ” One of the makeup crew shouted from across the paved walkway as he hurried to help her.

Kelsey’s hand flew to her back as he yanked her sweater down over the gaping zipper.

“Here, I’ll help you, ” he offered. “Why didn’t you give me a buzz at the trailer? I’d have been happy to help. It’s tough to get these sometimes.”

Kelsey inched further into the tree. “No, thanks, I got it. I’m okay. ”

“No, darling you are not okay if you’re not zipped in snug as a bug in a rug. C’mon, ” he motioned his hands for her to give him her back, “Turn around for Chad and I’ll make it all better.”

“No!” she barked at him. “Er, I mean thanks, I’m fine,” she said, softening her tone.

Chad lifted her sweater before she had the chance to stop him. “Um, sweetums … this is
not
fine. You can’t go on a date with Vinny if you’re falling out of your dress.”

“Look, I’ve had enough friendly advice from the queer eye for the straight guy for one night,” Kelsey hissed in exasperation. “Listen, you manly-man, I said I don’t need your help and I
meant
I don’t need your help. Go the fuck away, okay? ”

Chad tsk-tskd her with a cluck of his tongue, “I was just trying to help. You don’t have to call names. It’s blatantly obvious it doesn’t fit. Maybe I could have sewn in an extension or something. ”

Kelsey looked stunned as though Chad’s choosing to share this information with her now was a huge revelation.

Tara saw Kelsey’s face turn ugly beneath the moonlight. She’d seen Kelsey behave like this before. Chad was in for a lickin’, cuz Kelsey was bent. “I don’t need your help, but if and when I do, I can assure you I’ll give you a call, butt boy. ”

Tara slapped a hand over her mouth to cover her intake of breath.

Chad gasped sharply too, giving Kelsey the evil eye before he stomped off and went to whisper to the other crew members about what a bitch Kelsey was.

“Prissy, ” Kelsey taunted into the dark night.

Tara heard the rustle of feet and noted that the jury was making its way down the path to gather for whatever was next. Tara had a funny feeling they were going on this dinner date with Vinny and Kelsey. Tara shushed them with a finger over her mouth and they hovered behind the tree with her so they could all watch Kelsey.

Heaving one last breath, Kelsey prepared to make her entrance as the carriage pulled up and Vinny sat in it, smiling like the poor, misguided fool he was. As carefully as she could, Kelsey leisurely strolled sort of sideways to the carriage, keeping her sweater from flapping in the breeze that stirred the humid air. The cameras zoomed in on her and she kept her best side to them.

Vinny held out his hand to her from inside the carriage. “Evening, Kelsey. You look,” he squinted, cocking his head as he eyed her closer, “Um, nice. Very nice.”

Tara and the rest of the jury caught the look of confusion that flashed across Vinny’s face.

“Thank you, Vinny. You do too,” Kelsey replied. “I love a man in a tux. ” Placing her hand in Vinny’s she let him pull her into the carriage. Just as she pushed off with her foot to step up, a loud ripping noise carried on the breeze of the fragrant evening. Ms. Mary and Andy wedged their way forward behind the palm tree to see what happened, knocking shoulders with Tara.

“What the hell was that?” Vinny yelled.

“That pretty dress—ruined is what that was,” Ms. Mary said in a whisper.

“Shh, Ms. Mary, ” Diana cautioned.

Kelsey shoved her way into the carriage and plopped down, taking Vinny with her and whispering something to him. She snuggled closer to a bewildered Vinny, tucking her arm into his. “C’mon ,Vinny tell the driver to get going. I can’t wait to spend some alone time with you. ” Kelsey smiled prettily and cocked her head, commanding his attention.

Vinny inched over a bit and whistled obnoxiously to the driver, “Hey! Move it, bud.”

As the carriage pulled away carrying them off, another followed behind them with Henry Abernathy in it. He jumped out and headed for the jury. “It’s a surprise group date! All of the jury members get to
share
this date with Kelsey and Vinny. Jury, you’re going to observe Kelsey and Vinny in an intimate setting and your foreman, Tara will take notes.” Henry handed Tara a small notepad.

Tara sighed as she headed for the carriage. Kelsey was just gonna love this… The jury piled into the carriage and took a different path than Vinny and Kelsey had, allowing them to arrive before the couple. Scrambling out of the carriage, the jury quickly took seats at small tables in the outdoor dining area and sat quietly as Henry explained the rules. The jury could listen to everything Kelsey and Vinny said, but they couldn’t interrupt in any way.

A crew member with a walkie-talkie quieted the group and told them to prepare for Kelsey and Vinny’s arrival. As the clop of the horses hooves neared, everyone hunkered down in their seats, preparing to yell surprise.

Kelsey was still plastered to Vinny when the carriage pulled up right beside the jury’s table. She rose and looked into the dark, frowning. A giggle from Diana stopped Kelsey in her tracks. Someone flipped on the lanterns that surrounded the tables, illuminating them.

The jury waved to her. “Surprise, group date!” Gianni yelled excitedly. Everyone began to laugh.

Vinny ran around to help Kelsey, chuckling. “So I guess being alone isn’t on tap for us tonight, huh? ”

Kelsey took his hand and threw her shoulders back. “I’m sorry, Vinny. We should have known they’d throw us a curve ball,” Kelsey scanned the group and zeroed in on Tara, sitting in the dimly lit corner at the head of the small table with Mary. Kelsey turned her nose up at her.

“Is it me? Or is this broad just a snot?” Ms. Mary wondered aloud.

Tara snickered. “She was caught off guard, let’s give her a chance.”

Tara saw Kelsey struggle to keep from pitching a fit over this new turn of events. Tara knew that look only too well. It was the one Kelsey wore when she was fixin’ to freak out. One of the crew members held a finger over his mouth to hush the jury.

Kelsey strolled into the center of the dining area on Vinny’s arm and said hello to everyone, feigning joy over being joined by the jury.

“Hey, Kelsey, hope you don’t mind us butting in, ” Walter teased. “You guys go right ahead and have a nice time. Don’t mind us.”

George, the cameraman hissed at Walter to pipe down.

Kelsey yawned as she and Vinny sat at a table situated right near the jury, complete with candlelight, fine wine, and a fabulous dinner. Tara figured Kelsey would have to struggle not to inhale her meal because she was eyeing her lamb chops up like they were smothered in chocolate sauce. If Kelsey hoped to keep that dress on, she’d better not dig too far in. Tara drew her small notepad out and began to make observations for the jury’s records.

Vinny chatted easily with Kelsey. He went on and on about, of all things, his mother. His thick New York accent clung to the balmy air. Tara noted Kelsey twitching a time or two. “Hey, ” Andy said to Tara. “Vinny sure loves his mother.”

Tara smiled at Andy. “That’s a good thing don’t you agree? It means he’s sensitive…”

Ms. Mary looked down at Tara’s notepad and tapped it. “It means he’s a mama’s boy. Put that down in your notes.”

Vinny proved his point by poking a finger at Kelsey’s dress and saying, “My mother just
loves
the color gold. It’s what made me choose it for you, ya know?”

“Really? That’s nice, Vinny. You talk
a lot
about your mother. I guess she’s an inspiration in your life,” Kelsey fluttered her big green eyes.

Vinny snorted as he swirled the wine in his glass. “Yeah, I love my ma. There’s no one like her. And no one, I mean
no one
makes pasta like her. Do you cook, Kelsey? ”

Oh, Kelsey was in deep shit now. Tara remembered Home Ec and cooking wasn’t Kelsey’s thing—unless you counted Kentucky Fried Chicken as cooking. Then Kelsey was a real Emeril.

Crossing her arms in front of her to cover her seepage, Kelsey smiled at Vinny. “Sorry, I don’t cook much, ” Kelsey replied out of the corner of her mouth.

Vinny frowned and put his wine down, sloshing the burgundy liquid onto the tablecloth. “You don’t cook?” he said in disbelief.

No, no and no again. Tara giggled as she scribbled a big
no
to cooking in her notes.

Kelsey shook her head no and Vinny frowned.

Ms. Mary pulled her knitting needles out of her bag, clicking her tongue in disgust and whispered under her breath, “What kind of woman doesn’t know how to cook?”

“Not everyone enjoys cooking, Ms. Mary, ” Tara said in hushed tones. God, what had the world come to? She was defending Kelsey’s right to not cook.

“Shh, guys,” Gianni said. “I want to hear what Vinny says to this. If he’s a good Italian boy he’s not going to like it.” And Gianni was right.

“Are ya sure?” Vinny sounded astonished. “No stuffed shells, lasagna? Not even a plate of Bolognese?”

Maybe Chef Boyardee, Tara thought. Poor Vinny.

Kelsey sat up straight. “Nope. I just don’t really enjoy it. Do you cook, Vinny?”

Throwing his napkin on the table Vinny snorted, “Are ya kidding? No way. I eat at my ma’s every night.”

“I knew it,” Diana whispered to Andy.

Kelsey seemed at a loss for words. As the date wore on and the jury members leaned in to hear Kelsey and Vinny’s conversation, Kelsey looked more and more like she was growing perturbed.

“Well, what else do you like to do?” Kelsey asked Vinny. “Other than go to your mother’s for meals?” She smiled sweetly and turned her profile to the camera.

“I like the track. You like the horses?” Vinny asked as his big black eyes gleamed in the candlelight.

“Like horse racing? I’ve never been. I’m sure it’s fun, though, ” Kelsey cooed.

“Aw, man, Kelsey you should try it. Once you’re there, it’s like you can’t ever get enough. There’s nothing like slapping down a hundred bucks and walking away with two grand!”

Oh, if Vinny only knew Kelsey like Tara did… This date was on a fast train to Nowheres-ville. Kelsey didn’t like to cook or clean or do anything remotely motherly. They were batting a thousand on the commonality scale. Tara made a note of that.

Kelsey shivered, but Vinny paid no attention. He was too busy studying her shoes. “Those are great, don’t you think? I love the feel of real leather, the smell too. They look kinda tight on ya, though.”

Kelsey smiled absently. “Oh no, Vinny, they’re just perfect. I
love
Prada.”

“Good, cuz I was thinkin’ they’re my ma’s size if you don’t want ‘em when we’re done.” He looked a bit sheepish. “Like a souvenir from the show, ya know?”

Fat chance, bucko, Tara thought. Kelsey wouldn’t give up the Prada until “ma” was a made-for-TV special, featuring how to raise a mafia buffoon. That was it for Walter.

Apparently he couldn’t hide his laughter over the date anymore. He began to laugh, leaning back in his chair and wiping his eyes with a napkin.

Kelsey narrowed her eyes at the jury. She’d tried to ignore them for most of the evening, that much was obvious, but she was beginning to fail dismally.

Kelsey yawned openly and finally, it seemed, Vinny took note of it. “Oh, excuse me, Vinny it’s not the company. It’s been a long day…” Kelsey purred.

“Yeah, no shit. C’mon, let’s go back.” Vinny got up without even glancing at her and headed toward the carriage, now parked right beside the jury’s table.

The jury stayed in their seats as Kelsey rose slowly, looking down at her pumps. Her feet were oozing out of the shoes and swelling like sausages cooking in a frying pan. Stumbling toward the carriage, she tried to appear as graceful as she could. It had to be hard to saunter with a sway to her hips when every step she took looked like sheer agony.

Vinny was busy fidgeting in the carriage with nothing, waiting for Kelsey.

“Could you help me up, Vinny?” Kelsey called to him.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry, what was I thinkin’?”

Vinny yanked Kelsey into the carriage with a hard tug. She fell on top of him as a breast finally gave in to the pressure of suffocation and fell out of her dress.

The jury gasped. Ms. Mary’s clacking knitting needles thunked to the ground. Tara shifted in her chair and her mouth fell open. Oh, boy…