Why Can't I Be You (17 page)

She handed me the boots and pulled hers out of the closet. I sat on the couch to pull them on. I felt like Cinderella taking the shoe test.

I failed miserably. Jessie Morgan had markedly bigger feet than me. Better bigger than smaller. At least I could get my feet into the boots, even if it felt like there was room for about four pairs of thick socks in there too.

“I don’t really have a jacket either. Just my blazer,” I said, hoping that maybe Myra and Fish would go hiking without me.

“I have an extra jacket in the car,” Fish said.

“Great!” Myra grabbed her camera bag. “We’re all set.”

“Great,” I said, smiling at Myra, trying so hard to be upbeat, even though I didn’t want to wear Jessie’s ancient boots and Fish’s jacket. His jacket probably smelled like him.

When we got out to Fish’s truck, I ducked down and pretended I needed to retie my laces, so Myra would get in next to Fish and I could sit by the door. I didn’t want to sit in the middle, with my leg touching his leg. I didn’t want to think about what we had done.

“Where’s Chip?” Myra asked.

“He’s with my dad today. His nurse had to take the afternoon off, so I left Chip to take care of him.”

I wondered if Chip was Fish’s brother, until Myra said, “Chippy’s such a good dog.” It seemed crazy to me that a dog could take the place of a nurse, but I figured maybe Fish’s dad just got lonely or something. I didn’t know why he needed a nurse to begin with, Fish hadn’t mentioned it. I wasn’t sure how new the situation was, so I couldn’t ask.

Myra fiddled with the radio and filled Fish in on the latest about her new clothing line. I looked out the window and took in all the storefronts as we drove back through Snoqualmie. I watched Fish when we drove right past the spot where I saw him with that woman. He didn’t even react. I wasn’t expecting him to break down and confess or anything, but maybe he’d twitch his eyebrows or something.

“You’re so quiet, Jess!” Myra said. “What’s up?”

“Oh,” I said, “I think the jet lag is finally catching up with me.”

“Did you guys eat lunch?” Fish asked.

“We had some PB and J,” Myra said, laughing.

“My! You have to eat like a real person,” Fish said. He gave me a look like he wanted me to back him up. I turned and looked out the window again. “You can’t hike if you don’t eat.”

When we got to North Bend, he turned into the parking lot of a place called Taco Time.

We got out of the car. My feet were swimming in my boots. I felt like I might turn my ankle in the parking lot before we even started hiking. When we got inside, I handed Myra a twenty and said, “Just get me whatever you’re having.” I ran into the bathroom to find some paper towels to shove in my boots to keep my feet from slipping around. But of course they had hand dryers, so I had to go into a stall and cram heaping wads of toilet paper into my boots instead. It wasn’t much help, but it was something.

“You okay?” Myra asked, when I came back. She handed me a to-go bag and a large soda. Fish only had a cup of coffee.

“Fine,” I said, taking a sip of the soda. It was regular, not diet, and I wasn’t used to how sweet real soda is. I always drank diet. Jessie, apparently, not so much.

“I can’t believe I’m letting you guys eat tacos in my truck,” Fish said, when we all climbed back in. “Robbie is going to have a heart attack.” I’d managed to preserve my seat by the window. Myra was short. It made sense for her to sit in the middle.

“It’s your truck,” Myra said.

“Yeah,” Fish said, shaking his head, “tell Robbie.”

“Sure you’re not hungry?” Myra said to Fish, opening up one of her little paper packages. Lettuce fell out into her lap, and she carefully picked it off her leg and threw it back in the bag.

“Unlike you,” Fish said, “I keep food in my house. I had lunch before I left.” He took a swig of his coffee and balanced it between his knees while he drove. He kept looking at me. I busied myself with unwrapping my tacos and pretended not to notice his glances.

Apparently, unlike me, Jessie Morgan liked her tacos extra spicy. Beads of sweat formed on my upper lip; I could feel my face turning red. My tongue was in so much pain that it almost went numb. I drank my soda and wished I could fish out the ice to hold in my mouth without raising suspicion. There was a packet of Tater Tot–like potato things in the bottom of the bag. I ate them slowly and methodically between bites of taco, to keep myself from openly weeping.

“I don’t know how you eat spicy food like that,” Myra said, shaking her head. “You must have an iron stomach or something.”

“Yeah,” I said, trying not to choke.

There were three tacos in the bag, but I could only make it through two. “You want?” I said, passing the last one over to Fish. I didn’t want to talk to him, but there was no way I was getting that last taco down, and I didn’t want to leave it in the car while we were hiking. The whole truck would smell.

“Sure,” Fish said, reaching across Myra to take it from me. His smile was hopeful, like the taco was some sort of peace offering. It wasn’t. I turned away again as soon as the taco was safely in his hand.

I knew I needed to pretend that the mountains were old hat, but they weren’t. We were specks in a valley. Everything was bigger than I thought it could be. The clouds had cleared, and the sky was bright blue.

Fish turned onto a side street, and we followed a narrow road that twisted down into a ravine and then up again into a small development of deserted ski chalets. I started to feel sick to my stomach. I had been so worried about everyone finding out my identity that I hadn’t thought about the fact that I was in a car with strangers in a remote location.

No one knew where I was. I hadn’t told Luanne or Deagan or my mother or my boss. It was so stupid. Myra and Fish could be anyone. Maybe they knew all along that I wasn’t Jessie. They could be conning me right back. Maybe this was all some kind of elaborate human trafficking plan, and they were going to sell me to a creepy old man in the woods. That’s why no one had said anything about Fish’s girlfriend. Fish spending the night with me was just part of the plan. My heart pounded and my stomach churned. I couldn’t stop sweating.

We parked and crossed a footbridge. Myra pulled her camera out and ran back to take a few pictures of the vacant chalets, leaving me alone with Fish.

“God, Jess! Who the hell do you think you are?”

“Excuse me?” I said, looking around us, trying to figure out where I would go, how I could get away if I needed to. The boots were going to be a problem. I couldn’t sprint off into the woods in boots that were two sizes too big.

“Why are you running cold on me already?” Fish said. “It took you like, what? Twelve hours? Unbelievable!”

He took a step toward me. I stepped back.

“I’m unbelievable?” I said. “I saw you with that woman today. It only took you like, what? Twelve hours.” It was ridiculous that I was yelling at him, but I couldn’t help it. I felt like a raw nerve.

“What woman?”

“Downtown. That blond lady, with the golden retriever.”

“She’s a client,” he said, rubbing at the stubble on his chin with his index finger. “I was helping her with dog commands.” His eyes were so kind. His face was so sweet. He might have been an adulterer, but my thoughts of him as a kingpin in a human trafficking ring were starting to deflate.

“What kind of doctor does that? I’ve heard of doctors doing house calls, but not street calls. You had your hands all over her.”

I knew it wasn’t fair, but Deagan had probably cheated on me, and my dad had cheated on my mom. The idea of being the other woman was more than I could handle. He was out on the street, pretending to be the perfect caring boyfriend to this lady, and she probably thought he was. She had absolutely no idea Fish had slept with me the night before. I was devastated for her. “How could you?”

“I’m not a doctor, Jessie,” Fish said, shoving his hands in his pockets and rocking back and forth on the soles of his shoes. He smiled. “I train guide dogs.”

“But you said you were premed in college.”

“And then my dad had a stroke, and I felt like life was too short,” he said, bumping my shoulder with his. I didn’t back away this time. “There’s no point in doing something if your heart isn’t in it.”

“So she really was a client?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not the other woman?”

Fish took one hand out of his pocket, grabbed my hand, and pulled me toward him. “You could never be the other woman,” he said, kissing me.

I kissed back.

And then we heard Myra’s camera click. “Caught you!” she said, running back to us. “I knew it!”

A river ran through the ravine, and the path looked down on it from steep heights. It seemed like there should be a guide rail or rope or fence. Myra and Fish hiked easily, navigating roots and rocks and slippery moss without even looking. With the terrain and my toilet-paper-filled boots, and the fact that I’d never really been hiking before, I worried I’d trip and tumble down into the raging river at any moment. I was so out of breath from trying to keep up with them that I could barely do more than listen and nod.

“That’s why I dropped out of med school,” Fish said. “I went into medicine because I wanted to help people. But when I took time off for my dad, I started training Chip to help around the house and I realized it was what I wanted to do. This way I can help people, but I still have time to build my house and be with my dad and work on the truck with Robbie.”

Something skittered into the leaves next to the trail. I stifled a shriek.

Fish was too busy talking to notice. “Sometimes when an opportunity is in front of you, you’re so busy asking if you’re good enough for the challenge, you forget to ask if it’s good enough for you, you know?”

“Yes,” I said breathlessly.

“So now instead of spending my days in some medical building, under fluorescent lights, I trade time between the kennels and lifestyle training. I get to work outside. I get to train dogs. Give people mobility.”

“That’s amazing,” I said, barely managing to squeak out the words. I hugged the inside of the path and tried my best to look confident, like I knew what I was doing.

“I’m so out of shape!” I said, clutching the stitch in my side when a particularly steep incline started to get the better of me. “Rochester is really flat. My legs aren’t used to these hills anymore.”

“Muscle memory,” Fish said. “It’ll all come back to you.”

When we got to the edge of a waterfall, Fish helped me over slippery rocks and held my hand tightly, even after I was on sure footing again. I watched the way he tried to fight a smile, like he wasn’t quite sure it was safe to let me know just how happy he was to be there with me.

Even though my lungs felt like they were about to give up, and my feet were throbbing, I was actually enjoying the hike. I loved the dampness of the air and the piney scent of the trees. I loved the way the moss was so green it almost seemed to glow. Myra nimbly made her way over a heap of rocks to get a picture of the rushing water, and I wished I could keep everything about that moment.

By the time we got back to Myra’s house, the toilet paper in my boots was soaked and pilled up into little damp balls. My feet were red and blistered. I dumped the soggy wads of paper in the toilet and flushed it. When I put my loafers back on, my feet were so swollen they barely fit.

“Shoot!” Myra said, as I was walking down the stairs. She and Fish were sitting in the kitchen, and I could hear a coffeepot gurgling. Myra was looking at her cell phone.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, joining them.

Myra put her phone down on the table. “I have to go to the store. There’s an order that’s supposed to come in tomorrow that’s coming in today. Apparently the fulfillment company doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘closed.’”

“I should really check on my dad anyway,” Fish said. “Want to come with, Jess? I’m sure he’d love to see you.”

“Sure,” I said. As much as I knew it was probably best to limit the circle of people I met while I was pretending to be Jessie, I wanted to be with Fish. I wanted to know more about him.

“Great,” Fish said. “You go do your store stuff, My, and we’ll meet you back here later.”