Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? (20 page)

WHY DO OLDER PEOPLE FART MORE THAN YOUNGER PEOPLE?

We tried to find the derivation of the expression “old fart” but were unsuccessful. We will have to assume that is has something to do with an older person’s propensity to let his flatulence fly without any regard for where he is when he is passing wind.

There are some reasons why the elderly would be more flatulent than their younger counterparts. Even if older folks are not actually producing more intestinal gas, loss of muscle tone occurs with the aging process and this includes the muscles around the anal sphincter. Therefore, an older person has less ability to hold gas in.

Other suitably ripe euphemisms for flatulence include:

Cutting the cheese

Sneezing in one’s pants

Floating an air biscuit

Doody burping

Sphincter whistling
Killing the canary

Colon bowlin’

The scented scream

CAN BALD MEN GET LICE?

So you are going bald, but trying to look on the bright side, right? You make a list of all the positives; no wasting time in the morning with hairstyling, less money spent on products, no more hat head, no dandruff, and of course, no head lice.

Well, you may not be so lucky. You don’t have to worry about the styling, the hat head, or the typical head lice, but you might still have dandruff and there are other crawling creatures that could attack your bald scalp.

There are several different types of lice: head lice (
Pediculus humanus capitis
), body lice (
Pediculus humanus corporis
), and pubic lice (
Pthirus pubis
). Head lice are the most common of all lice and are often seen in the heads of schoolchildren. Pubic lice are often referred to as “crabs” and body lice are known as “the cooties.” Crabs are frequently spread by sexual contact and body lice are most often found in people who don’t wash or change clothes often. In the ER, we often see homeless patients who are unfortunately infested with body lice.

Head lice probably won’t have anything to grab onto on the bald head, but body lice might spread to affect a bald head. Scabies is another creepy crawler that is often confused with body lice. Scabies is an infestation of the skin with the microscopic mite
Sarcoptes scabei.
These mites are much tinier than lice. You can get scabies from direct contact with a person already infested with scabies. Infestation can also occur from sharing clothing, towels, or bedding.

DO HUMANS REALLY USE ONLY 10 TO 20 PERCENT OF THEIR BRAINS?

There are many different nonscientific answers to this question. A wife might argue that her husband uses less than 10 percent of his brain at times, a coach often tells his players that they aren’t using their heads enough, and we often think that our politicians don’t use their brains at all. The truth is that there is no way to quantify how much of our brains we use at any given time. Humans definitely use more than 10 to 20 percent of their brains, so this myth is definitely false.

We are getting closer to understanding how we use our brains. Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) is a new technique that is being used to investigate which parts of the brain are active during different mental activities. Functional MRI measures changes in blood flow within the brain in response to various stimuli.

This isn’t a direct measure of brain-cell activity but it gives us a better idea how the brain works.

So maybe someday we can place George Bush and Bode Miller in a functional MRI and really find out what’s going on inside their noggins.

WHY DO ASIANS TURN RED AFTER CONSUMING ALCOHOL?

We thought about cutting this question because of the risk of sounding racist, but before anyone jumps to conclusions, go do some reading about the metabolism of alcohol and specifically the low-Km mitochondrial aldehyde dehydrogenase (ALDH2) isoenzyme.

Yes, that’s right. There is a physiological reason that some Asians, including Chinese, Japanese, and Koreans, get flushed in the face after drinking alcohol.

Here’s what happens: alcohol (ethanol) is metabolized in the liver. In the first step, it is broken down by an enzyme, alcohol dehydrogenase, and forms a toxic compound known as acetaldehyde. After that, a second enzyme called aldehyde dehydrogenase 2 (ALDH2) converts the acetaldehyde into acetic acid (the main component of vinegar), which is nontoxic and can be readily converted by your body to provide energy.

Certain Asians lack this second enzyme and the acetaldehyde builds up. The side effects include: skin flushing, increased heart rate, and severe nausea and vomiting. The severity of these symptoms depends on the degree of the enzyme deficiency.

IF YOU DREAM IN COLOR, DOES IT MEAN YOU ARE CRAZY?

I dream in color. Mark, on the other hand, dreams in high-definition IMAX, and the dialogue in his dreams is dubbed in poorly synchronized staccato Portugese. But this doesn’t mean that either of us is crazy.

Dreaming in color is a perfectly normal phenomenon. Scientists have always reported that people dream in both color and black and white, but the concept that dreams were primarily in black and white evolved in the 1950s. At that time, television, movies, etc., were almost entirely in black and white, and this probably led to the false perception that dreaming also followed this monochromatic pattern.

In 1962, in an article in
Science,
Kahn, Dement, Fisher, and Barmack reported on the “Incidence of Color in Immediately Recalled Dreams.” These researchers woke their subjects up from REM sleep, and asked them if they dreamed in color. Eighty-three percent of their dreamers reported dreaming in color, and then, presumably, went back to sleep.

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU CANNOT DIE IN A DREAM?

So here is the myth: if you are having a dream and you are about to die or be killed, you better wake up. If not, you will die in the dream and remain in that eternal slumber. The reality is that you can die in a dream and be perfectly okay. Death dreams are not extremely common, but they do occur.

There are, however, some reports of true “killer dreams.” It is known that emotional stress can cause an increase in heart rate and that this can occur during sleep, especially in REM sleep when dreams occur. It is also known that approximately 20 percent of heart attacks and 15 percent of sudden cardiac deaths occur between midnight and 6
A.M
. Now, not all of these events are sleep-or dream-related, but there may be some risk for those with underlying heart disease.

For those of us who are healthy of heart, an article in the
Canadian Journal of Cardiology
described four cases of people without known heart disease for whom the emotional stress of nightmares caused their premature demise.

So should we sleep with one eye open for fear of a death dream? No, we didn’t intend to scare you; you are much more likely to have a wet dream than a death dream, so enjoy your sleep.

ARE THERE MORE VIOLENT CRIMES WHEN THE MOON IS FULL?

We already dispelled a similar myth about more babies being conceived when the moon is full. This one has no basis in science either.

Several studies have examined lunar cycles and violent behavior. There is no scientific or statistical support for a connection between a full moon and aggressive or violent behavior.

Now, when Billy goes to the ER for his next overnight, and it just happens that the moon is full, there is no way he is going to convince anyone that there isn’t a relationship. Sometimes we just need something to blame.

ARE YOU MORE LIKELY TO DIE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT IN A CAR ACCIDENT?

In the emergency room where Dr. Billy works, it is extremely common to see patients after a motor vehicle crash. We use the term
crash
rather than
accident
because accidents should be avoidable. Seat belt use clearly reduces the number of serious injuries but is there a safer place to sit in the car?

The passenger seat is often the preferred travel seat, with a battle raging for who gets to ride “shotgun.” This term is a reference to the days when stagecoaches would frequently get held up and an armed guard would ride alongside the driver for protection. Others refer to the passenger seat as “the death seat” and this appellation has some truth behind it.

Several studies have confirmed that sitting in the front seat of a car is more dangerous than riding in the back. Sitting in the back can reduce the risk of death in a motor vehicle crash by anywhere from 25 to 39 percent. The risk of serious injury is also reduced by about 30 percent for those sitting in the rear when compared to the front seat riders. The risk to drivers is about the same as for those who are riding shotgun.

The bottom line is that the “death seat” name is justified, it just applies to both positions up front. So take your choice, sit in back where it is safer or ride up front where you can play with the radio.

Either way, make sure to buckle up.

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A DEATH ERECTION?

Some people think that when you die you’re bathed in a radiant light, you go to heaven or to hell, or you take up residence in the bodies of other creatures like lemurs or llamas. Others think that when you die, the following occurs:

Your blood will pool due to gravity (hypostasis).

You will gradually stiffen due to a buildup of lactic acid in your muscles (rigor mortis).

You will become bloated by the production of gases caused by bacterial breakdown of tissue.

Oh, we forgot to mention that for men who die facedown, the pooling of blood will lead to a death erection.

Yes, this myth is true!

Some refer to this phenomenon as “angel lust.”

Rest in peace.

WHY DO YOU SHIVER AFTER YOU PEE?

There are probably many sophisticated and urbane women out there who don’t know that it’s fairly common for men to experience a little shiver just as they finish urinating. And there are probably just as many men out there who shiver after they pee, but don’t have the foggiest notion as to why.

Now we’re not talking about a cold-induced shiver here…the camping-in-the-Arctic-and-taking-an-early-morning-whizz-inthe-woods shiver. We’re talking about something a wee more mysterious….

Although this is a common male physiological phenomenon, there has been, to our knowledge, no scientific research conducted to explain its basis.

It is thought, though, that the pee shiver is related to the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The sympathetic subdivision of the ANS keeps the bladder relaxed and the urethral sphincter contracted so we don’t wet our pants during an episode of fight-or-flight anxiety. When you go, the parasympathetic side of the ANS causes a contraction of the bladder and a relaxation of the urethral sphincter, enabling you to take a piss.

Dr. R. James Swanson, professor of biological sciences at Old Dominion University—and one of the only scientists intrepid and curious enough to publicly weigh in on the subject—muses that “the sympathetic outflow of action potential…would include the release of the adrenal medulla catacholamines epinephrine, norepinephrine and dopamine. When the opportunity arises to allow the parasympathetic side of the ANS to take over, the change in catacholamine production might be the cause of the shiver.” Dr. Swanson adds that, in addition to the shiver, you will also notice a momentary “euphoria” shortly after relaxing the urethral sphincter.

Some yoga-oriented folks have compared the pee shiver to an orgasmic Kundalini energy flow. And the term “mini-orgasm” comes up with surprising frequency in discussions of this simultaneously mundane and esoteric subject.

Leyner and I think the fact that a man could have a quasiorgasmic response to merely relaxing his urethral sphincter shows just how ridiculously easy we are.

1:25
P.M
.

Gberg:
Leyner!!!

Leyner:
WHAT?????!!!!!!!!!

Gberg:
Don’t throw all those question marks at me.

Leyner:
Sorry, Charlie.

Leyner:
This day is whack.

Gberg:
Why?

Leyner:
So much bullshit to deal with on Mondays.

Gberg:
Tell me why you don’t like Mondays.

Gberg:
Just checked Amazon and Barnes and Noble again….

Leyner:
Mondays…just lots of stuff to attend to, and e-mails that piled up, and house stuff…

Gberg:
217 and 235.

Leyner:
That’s nice.

1:30
P.M
.

Leyner:
I’m gonna call Carrie this week and talk to her about the schedule and deadline.

Gberg:
I also was scouring the reviews. I can’t control myself.

Gberg:
We can talk to her tomorrow.

Leyner:
I know you can’t.

Leyner:
I want to tell her that we might need a couple of extra weeks.

Gberg:
I still want a piece of that guy who called the book mindless pablum.

Leyner:
Let’s find out where he lives.

Gberg:
He wrote “It’s a dough-grab attempt to top the
NY Times
best-seller list by appealing to jackasses.”

Gberg:
How dare he insult the jackasses that buy this book!

Leyner:
I like that phrase: “dough-grab.”

Gberg:
Sounds like a molestation of the Pillsbury Boy.

Gberg:
Did you see that video that was circulating that has the Pillsbury Doughboy laughing so hard that he craps himself?

Leyner:
I guess I should go work some more…I want to do some more research…I’m trying to gather all the stuff on puberty…and then write them up. I wanna get the funny kicker to your peeing question done and the goose bump q and a for the catalog too. I’m also trying to get some work done each day on my script.

Leyner:
I haven’t seen that Doughboy thing…sounds funny.

1:35
P.M
.

Gberg:
Man, you really are out of it.

Leyner:
I know, right.

Gberg:
Script?

Leyner:
Script.

Gberg:
I thought you were dedicated 100% to
Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?

Leyner:
The script I have to write…that’s due by the end of April.

Leyner:
I am. Just trying to lay some groundwork so I can get that finished in time.

Gberg:
I know what it is. I feel like you are cheating on me.

Gberg:
Brutus.

Leyner:
I’m not writing it. Just trying to begin to get some idea of what the movie is…Don’t ever call me a Brutus again.

Leyner:
I’m really the most loyal person you’ll ever know.

Gberg:
I meant Brutus from the
Popeye
cartoons, not Ceasar’s Brutus.

Gberg:
I would never question your loyalty. You are freakin’ sensitive today.

Leyner:
I’m feeling a little slammed today…I’m completely sleep-deprived today…I really got NONE. I looked at the clock and it was 4 am and I hadn’t slept at all yet and I figured it was a little late for Ambien…so I just read my Lord Nelson book until it was time to get my daughter ready for school.

Gberg:
Take care of yourself. Take a nap.

Leyner:
I’m twitchy and misanthropic and needing to be held and loved and fellated by burger waitresses.

Gberg:
Burger waitresses? Are you thinking about that girl who served us last week? I didn’t know she made such an impression.

Leyner:
I thought she was mighty fine.

1:45
P.M
.

Leyner:
There was a big
Nipples
extract today in the
Daily Express
in England.

Gberg:
I refuse to get into a discussion of what you want to do to yourself with burger waitresses. Then we will get more bad reviews on Amazon. Like the guy who called us arrogant and witless.

Gberg:
I heard that there was also a two-page story in
Yediot Achronot
(Israel’s #1 daily newspaper).

Leyner:
Arrogant AND witless. Gosh…he makes us sound like brown-shirted fascists.

Leyner:
Really, in
Yediot Achronot
?

Leyner:
Does that mean idiotic spider in Hebrew?

Gberg:
We also got “Mindless alcoholic ramblings,” “Not worth the buy.”

Gberg:
I am so obsessed with the bad reviews I have them all saved in one Word document.

Leyner:
Mindless alcoholic ramblings??? You sure he wasn’t reading my other books?

Gberg:
I wish I could e-mail him and suggest it.

Leyner:
That’s funny. You should.

Gberg:
It was probably my ex who wrote that.

Leyner:
Hey…guess I should go and do something productive…collate my notes about piloerection.

1:50
P.M
.

Leyner:
I’ll call you after the interviews are over, OK?

Gberg:
You know piloerection is a sign of heroin/opiate withdrawal.

Leyner:
It’s also a symptom of temporal lobe epilepsy and autonomic hyperreflexia.

Gberg:
You go, girl!

Leyner:
Thanks, sweetheart. Later, baby.

Gberg:
Ciao.