Why Me? (13 page)

Then I allowed Mom back into my life, ever so briefly—and I finally realized that I was never the problem and that she was never going to change or admit that she had done anything wrong. When I invited Mom back into my life, I was hoping that she was a new woman: the mom I had always wanted and dreamed of. But that was a pipe dream. Mom is never going to change because she doesn’t
want
to change. I would like to think that she is so ashamed of what she did to me as a child that she has blocked it out and maybe really has forgotten everything she put me through, but my gut tells me that she remembers and thinks she was justified in everything she did.

I haven’t spoken to Mom again since I made the decision that she was no longer welcome in my life or in my home. It was a hard decision, but the right one.

I still think of my mother every day. I think of her now with pity, not anger. I pity her for throwing away her life. I pity her for losing out on a relationship with her grandchildren. I pity her for being so sad and miserable that the only way she could deal with her feelings was to torture her own child. If my mother taught me anything, it was how
not
to parent and how
not
to live my life.

Writing that e-mail to Mom helped me release years of anger and hurt. Writing this book has continued the process, helping me to finally shut the door on that chapter in my life. I can move on now! I am a beautiful, strong woman, a mother and a wife. I am proud of what I overcame, what I have accomplished, and what is yet to come. The future looks bright!