Wicked! (2 page)

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Authors: Jilly Cooper

Tags: #Administration, #Social Science, #Social Classes, #General, #Education

BOOK: Wicked!
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NON-FICTION

ANIMALS IN WAR

CLASS

HOW TO SURVIVE CHRISTMAS

HOTFOOT TO ZABRISKIE POINT
(with Patrick Lichfield)

INTELLIGENT AND LOYAL

JOLLY MARSUPIAL

JOLLY SUPER

JOLLY SUPERLATIVE

JOLLY SUPER TOO

SUPER COOPER

SUPER JILLY

SUPER MEN AND SUPER WOMEN

THE COMMON YEARS

TURN RIGHT AT THE SPOTTED DOG

WORK AND WEDLOCK

ANGELS RUSH IN

ARAMINTA’S WEDDING

CHILDREN’S BOOKS

LITTLE MABEL

LITTLE MABEL’S GREAT ESCAPE

LITTLE MABEL SAVES THE DAY

LITTLE MABEL WINS

ROMANCE

BELLA

EMILY

HARRIET

IMOGEN

LISA
&
CO

OCTAVIA

PRUDENCE

ANTHOLOGIES

THE BRITISH IN LOVE

VIOLETS AND VINEGAR

This book is dedicated with love and admiration to two great headmistresses, Virginia Frayer and Katherine Eckersley, and also in loving memory of the Angel School, Islington, and Village High School, Derby

CAST OF CHARACTERS
 
 
A
DELE
Single mother who teaches geography at Larkminster Comprehensive (otherwise known as Larks).
P
ARIS
A
LVASTON
Larks pupil and icon. Founder member of the notorious Wolf Pack.
A
NATOLE
Bagley Hall pupil and beguiling son of the Russian Minister of Affaires.
R
UFUS
A
NDERSON
Brilliant and eccentric head of geography at Bagley Hall. Henpecked father of two, liable to leave coursework on trains.
S
HEENA
A
NDERSON
Rufus’s concupiscent careerist wife – the main reason Rufus hasn’t been given a house at Bagley Hall.
M
RS
A
XFORD
Chief caterer at Bagley Hall.
M
ISS
B
ASKET
A menopausal misfit who teaches geography at Larks.
B
EA FROM THE
B
EEB
A researcher at the Teaching Awards.
D
ORA
B
ELVEDON
Bagley Hall new girl. Determined to support her pony and her chocolate Labrador by flogging school scandal to the tabloids.
D
ICKY
B
ELVEDON
Dora’s equally resourceful twin brother who runs his own school shop at Bagley Hall selling booze and fags.
L
ADY
B
ELVEDON
(A
NTHEA
)
Dicky and Dora’s young, very pretty, very spoilt mother. A Violet Elizabeth Bottox, drastically impoverished by widowhood, and determined to hunt for a rich new husband, unobserved by her beady son and daughter.
J
UPITER
B
ELVEDON
Dora and Dicky’s machiavellian eldest brother, chairman of the governors at Bagley Hall, Tory MP for Larkminster, and tipped to take over the party leadership.
H
ANNA
B
ELVEDON
Jupiter’s lovely and loving wife, a painter.
S
OPHY
B
ELVEDON
An English teacher of splendid proportions and great charm. Ian and Patience Cartwright’s daughter, and wife of Jupiter Belvedon’s younger brother, Alizarin.
D
ULCIE
B
ELVEDON
Adorable and self-willed daughter of Sophy and Alizarin.
S
IR
H
UGO
B
ETTS
Governor of Larks who sleeps through most meetings.
J
AMES
B
ENSON
An extremely smooth private doctor.
T
HE
B
ISHOP OF
L
ARKMINSTER
A governor of Bagley Hall.
G
ORDON
B
LENCHLEY
The unsavoury care manager of Oaktree Court, Paris Alvaston’s children’s home.
H
ENGIST
B
RETT
-T
AYLOR
Hugely charismatic headmaster of Bagley Hall.
S
ALLY
B
RETT
-T
AYLOR
Hengist’s wife, classic beauty and jolly good sort, hugely contributory towards Hengist’s success.
O
RIANA
B
RETT
-T
AYLOR
Hengist and Sally’s daughter, a much admired BBC foreign correspondent.
W
ALLY
B
RISTOW
Stalwart site manager at Larks.
G
ENERAL
B
ROADSTAIRS
Lord Lieutenant of Larkshire and governor of Bagley Hall.
‘B
OFFIN
’ B
ROOKS
The cleverest boy at Bagley Hall, a humourless prig.
S
IR
G
ORDON
B
ROOKS
Boffin’s father, a thrusting captain of industry.
A
LEX
B
RUCE
Deputy head of Bagley Hall, nicknamed Mr Fussy.
P
OPPET
B
RUCE
His dreadful wife, who teaches RE. An acronymphomaniac, determined to impose total political correctness on Bagley Hall.
C
HARISMA
B
RUCE
Alex and Poppet’s severely gifted daughter.
M
ARIA
C
AMBOLA
Larks’s splendidly flamboyant head of music.
R
UPERT
C
AMPBELL
-B
LACK
Former showjumping champion and Tory Minister for Sport. Now leading owner/trainer, and director of Venturer, the local ITV station. Despite being as bloody-minded as he is beautiful, Rupert is still Nirvana for most women.
T
AGGIE
C
AMPBELL
-B
LACK
His adored wife – an angel.
X
AVIER
C
AMPBELL
-B
LACK
Bagley Hall pupil and Rupert and Taggie’s adopted Colombian son, who has hit moody adolescence head-on.
B
IANCA
C
AMPBELL
-B
LACK
Xavier’s ravishingly pretty, sunny-natured younger sister, also adopted and Colombian.
I
AN
C
ARTWRIGHT
Former commanding officer of a tank regiment, now bursar at Bagley Hall.
P
ATIENCE
C
ARTWRIGHT
Ian’s loyal wife – a trooper who teaches riding and runs the stables at Bagley.
M
RS
C
HALFORD
Head of history at Larks. A self-important bossy boots who likes to be referred to as ‘Chally’.
T
ARQUIN
C
OURTNEY
Charismatic captain of rugger at Bagley Hall.
A
LISON
C
OX
Sally Brett-Taylor’s housekeeper, known as ‘Coxie’.
J
ANNA
C
URTIS
Larks’s very young, Yorkshire-born headmistress.
P.C. C
UTHBERT
A zero-tolerant police constable, determined to impose order on Larks.
D
ANIJELA
Larks pupil from Bosnia.
D
ANNY
Larks pupil from Ireland.
E
MLYN
D
AVIES
A former Welsh rugby international, known as Attila the Hunk, who teaches history at Bagley Hall and coaches the rugger fifteens to serial victory.
D
EBBIE
Ace cook at Larks.
A
RTIE
D
EVERELL
Head of modern languages at Bagley Hall.
A
SHTON
D
OUGLAS
The sinister, lisping Chief Executive Officer of S and C Services, the private company brought in by the Government to supervise education in Larkshire.
E
NID
Lachrymose librarian at Larks.
P
RIMROSE
D
UDDON
Earnest, noble-browed, ample-breasted form prefect at Bagley Hall.
V
ICKY
F
AIRCHILD
Two-faced but both of them extremely pretty. Cures truancy at Larks overnight when Janna Curtis appoints her as head of drama.
J
ASON
F
ENTON
Larks’s deputy head of drama, known as Goldilocks.
P
IERS
F
LEMING
Wayward head of English at Bagley Hall.
J
OHNNIE
F
OWLER
Good-looking Larks hellraiser; BNP supporter; persistent truant.
L
ANDO
F
RANCE
-L
YNCH
Master of the Bagley Beagles, whose sparse intellect is compensated for by dazzling all-round athletic and equestrian ability.
D
AISY
F
RANCE
-L
YNCH
His sweet mother, a painter, wife of Ricky France-Lynch, former England polo captain.
F
REDDIE
A waiter at La Perdrix d’Or restaurant.
C
HIEF
I
NSPECTOR
T
IMOTHY
G
ABLECROSS
A wise, kind and extremely clever policeman.
M
AGS
G
ABLECROSS
The wise, kind wife of the Chief Inspector, part-time modern languages teacher at Larks.
G
LORIA
PE teacher at Larks not given to hiding her physical lights under bushels.
T
HEO
G
RAHAM
Head of classics at Bagley Hall, an outwardly crusty old bachelor with a heart of gold. Takes out his hearing aid on Speech Day.
G
ILLIAN
G
RIMSTON
Head of Searston Abbey, an extremely successful Larkminster grant-maintained school for girls.
L
ILY
H
AMILTON
Aunt of Jupiter, Dicky and Dora Belvedon. A merry, very youthful octogenarian and Janna Curtis’s next-door neighbour in the village of Wilmington.
D
AME
H
ERMIONE
H
AREFIELD
World famous diva, seriously tiresome, brings out the Crippen in all.
W
ADE
H
ARGREAVES
An unexpectedly humane Ofsted Inspector.
D
ENZIL
H
ARPER
Head of PE at Bagley Hall.
U
NCLE
H
ARLEY
Jamaican drugs dealer, lives on and off with Feral Jackson’s mother.
S
IR
D
AVID
‘H
ATCHET
’ H
AWKLEY
Headmaster of Fleetley, illustrious classical scholar. Later Lord Hawkley.
L
ADY
H
AWKLEY
(H
ELEN
)
A nervy beauty. Having numbered Rupert Campbell-Black and Roberto Rannaldini among her former husbands, Helen hopes marriage to David Hawkley means calmer waters.
R
OD
H
YDE
An awful autocrat, headmaster of St James’s, a highly successful Larkminster grant-maintained school, known as St Jimmy’s.
‘S
KUNK
’ I
LLINGWORTH
Deputy head of science at Larks.
‘F
ERAL
’ J
ACKSON
Larks’s leading truant, Paris Alvaston’s best friend and founder member of the Wolf Pack. Afro-Caribbean, beautiful beyond belief, seriously dyslexic, and a natural athlete.
N
ANCY
J
ACKSON
Feral’s mother, a heroin addict.
J
ESSAMY
A teaching assistant at Larks.
J
ESSICA
Hengist Brett-Taylor’s stunning second secretary, a typomaniac.
J
OAN
J
OHNSON
Head of science at Bagley Hall, also in charge of Boudicca, the only girls’ house. Nicknamed ‘No-Joke Joan’ because of a total lack of humour.
M
RS
K
AMANI
Long-suffering owner of Larks’s nearest newsagent’s.
K
ATA
Larks pupil and wistful asylum-seeker from Kosovo.
A
YSHA
K
HAN
One of Larks’s few achievers. Destined for an arranged marriage in Pakistan.
R
ASCHID
K
HAN
Aysha’s bullying father.
M
RS
K
HAN
Aysha’s bullied but surprisingly brave mother.
R
USSELL
L
AMBERT
Ponderous chairman both of Larks’s governors and Larkminster planning committee.
L
ANCE
An understandably terrified newly qualified Larks history teacher.
A
MBER
L
LOYD
-F
OXE
Minxy founder member of the ‘Bagley Babes’, otherwise known as the ‘Three Disgraces’.
B
ILLY
L
LOYD
-F
OXE
Amber’s father, an ex-Olympic showjumper, now a presenter for the BBC.
J
ANEY
L
LOYD
-F
OXE
His unprincipled journalist wife.
J
UNIOR
L
LOYD
-F
OXE
Amber’s merry, racing-mad twin brother.
L
YDIA
Another understandably terrified newly qualified Larks English teacher.
L
UBEMIR
Albanian asylum-seeker and safe-breaker, which makes him an extremely useful partner-in-crime to Cosmo Rannaldini.
M
R
M
ATES
Larks science master, almost as old as Archimedes.

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