Wicked Misery (Miss Misery) (29 page)

“Such as?” I crossed my arms.

“I hate to think. A war would generate a huge amount of power, and precisely the sort furies can channel and use best. That’s the big reason why Dezzi wants to be cautious. This whole thing could be somewhat random, or someone could be up to some really bad shit that requires a ton of magic. Either way, simply pounding on their Dom’s door and demanding answers is the last thing that’s going to help.”

“Peachy.”

Lucen refilled my wineglass. “Exactly. So let’s hope Xander’s lying. Meanwhile, drink up now while you can.”

And I’d thought my life couldn’t get any more screwed up.

“You know,” I said, inhaling the scent of the wine, “I’ve never even told my mother about my gift. I never told my friends except for Steph, and she only knows because she was there at the time my gift emerged. Strangers—preds and magi—know more about my secrets than the people who are supposed to care about me. I’ve never grown up enough to face them and tell them the truth.”

“What do you think the Gryphons would do if they knew?” Lucen asked, following me into the living room.

I swallowed some wine, but it stuck to my throat going down. “I don’t know. I’ve thought so long about it too. Four or five years ago I asked Bridget—what would you do if you found a human with a satyr’s gift, a human that could feed off suffering and magically compel others?”

“What did she say?”

“She laughed and said it wasn’t possible.”

Lucen set his glass down and sat near me, his face dark. I waited for him to say something, but he just rubbed his bandaged arm. Sweetpea snorted smoke in his sleep.

It hit me then. “They’re going to find out, aren’t they? I might as well have called them about Pete yesterday. I can’t hide for much longer. Whether we catch the killer, or we help them catch the killer, or whatever happens, the truth is going to come out. He’ll confess, or I’ll have to go to court, or they’re going to get their damn blood sample from me somehow. But I’m not going to be able to hide this any longer. For the… I hit a Gryphon with a chair today! I’m more screwed than one of your addicts.”

I slumped off the sofa, and my butt hit the floor with a thud. Dull pain flew up my back. Add that to my despair and every pred in a ten-mile radius probably knew I was having a bad night. No wonder Lucen wasn’t touching his wine. I provided enough of a buzz.

“Little siren…”

“You mean stupid, dead woman.”

“Jessica, it won’t be the end of the world. Hitting that Gryphon with a chair was not in your best interest, but it was in mine, so I appreciate it. But so what if the Gryphons decide you can’t be trusted among humans anymore? You’ll live among us. You see we’re not so bad.”

I twisted around so I could laugh in his face. “Yeah right. Except when you’re all trying to turn me into an addict. From my perspective, that’s plenty bad, thanks.”

“Has anyone tried to addict you yet?”

“Not yet, but Dezzi’s counting on my help. When she’s done with me, any of you could.”

“And I’ve known you for ten years. If I wanted to addict you, I’d have done it. Don’t you think?”

Actually, no. I didn’t know what to think about that. Never had. I should have kept my mouth shut, but fear made me angry. “No. I don’t know all the details about addictions. For all I know you’re waiting for the right time. For one of your addicts to die or something.”

“You know as well as I do that I could cut one or all of them loose at any time. It’s not a question of not being able to handle one more.”

“So why wait? You could break my will just like that.” I snapped my fingers.
Brilliant, Jess. Just challenge him to do it, why don’t you?

“Do you think I’d enjoy that?”

“I know you would.” Oh yeah, I was earning a Ph.D. in stupidity tonight.

“You’re right. I would.” Lucen scowled and flopped back on the sofa.

I held my breath. Maybe I’d gotten lucky and my outburst wouldn’t get me in trouble, after all. Strange, but I was almost sad about that. I’d primed for a fight. I had anger to expel.

Then Lucen sat up, the scowl gone and replaced by a devious intensity. My stomach twisted. Okay, perhaps a fight hadn’t been a good idea. And I hadn’t gotten lucky. But it was too late now.

“Actually I’m far more insidious than you give me credit for. Your gift was cursed. My magic is inherent in my nature. You can’t compete, and therefore can’t really comprehend what I’m about. But, you see, being evil is a lot like sex. The release is fantastic, but the release is fleeting. It’s the buildup to the release that’s so sweet and lasting. Once I break you, it’s over. Done. But this way I can toy with you for a while, build your fear, prolong the anticipation—ten years so far—and savor the possibility that one day I’ll be too tempted not to finish you off.” He reached toward me, and I stiffened. “What do you think now?”

His fingers brushed my hair. My blood raced, but my breathing stopped. I couldn’t move.

Lucen pressed in closer, and his breath coated my ear like honey. “I haven’t touched you in ten years, little siren. Ten years because you simply asked me not to. What…” He tugged off the band around the bottom of my braid. “Are.” Started undoing the twist. “You.” I wanted to tell him to stop, but I was paralyzed. “Afraid of?”

The last of the braid came apart in his hands. I shivered, breaking the paralysis. “The potential.”

I closed my eyes, wondering what I meant. The potential for him to break me? For me to lose myself and become emotionally attached? For my humanity to drain away? I didn’t know. I didn’t even know whether I should take that speech of his seriously.

Lucen’s hands were on my shoulders now, and my ability to think clearly was fading. “I would never hurt you, little siren. I promise.”

I wanted to believe him, always had, but it seemed suicidal. All the promises in the world didn’t change what he was. He’d practically said as much me to the other day. He was what he was. He did what satyrs—what preds—did. He enjoyed it, and he could do it at any time. Letting him touch me was like baiting a lion. The best animal trainers could get away with it for a while, but occasionally their beasts turned on them.

Lucen’s cellphone rang in the kitchen. Saved by the bell, or the ringtone, rather.

It rang again, and he made no move to get up.

“Aren’t you…?”

“This is more important.” He moved closer, and his knees pressed into my back.

“But it could be Dezzi with information.”

“I doubt it’s urgent. She’ll leave a message. Jess.” He ran his fingers through my hair, lifted it off my neck. The phone made a last desperate plea for attention and went silent.

Crap. Now what?

Every bit of tension from where Lucen’s fingers played with my hair slid from my scalp down into my groin. Each muscle tensed with anticipation.
Stop it,
I wanted to say, but it was impossible. Even my mouth was too enthralled by his attention. “Why are you doing this?”

“I want you to trust me, little siren, but you won’t. You came to me on Monday because you felt you had no choice. You didn’t come to me because you trusted me, or because you thought I’d help you.”

“That’s not—” Well, it was a little true.

“Please, Jess. I can read you better than you read yourself, because you hide things from yourself and you can’t hide them from me. But it’s not a good idea. Don’t you see? You were right when you said nothing can be the same again. And that means you’re going to need to trust someone, and you don’t.”

“So you’re trying to earn my trust by breaking it?” But my body didn’t care how warped Lucen’s logic was. My will was cracking.

“I’ve tried to earn your trust for ten years by not touching you. It hasn’t worked.” He shifted behind me, and I was now trapped between his knees. “So maybe what I need to do is to touch you and prove to you nothing bad will happen.”

But I don’t want you to touch me!
Except the words couldn’t take shape in my mouth, and they weren’t entirely true. I did want his touch, so badly my body burned. My will had given up trying to protest. It spent all its power instead trying to render me immobile, prevent me from squirming from the building erotic energy inside.

He rested one finger against the base of my neck, and my resistance crumpled. A soft breath escaped my lips. Let him prove it or not. My life was never going back to normal. And it would be so much easier to give in. To let him give my desires everything I denied them. To let him protect me from the Gryphons. From other preds. There was so very little to lose anymore.

I was on the sofa before I knew what I’d done. Breathing had returned in sharp, staccato notes out of sync with my trembling. My mouth landed on his with all the force of ten years of repressed longing. Lucen’s lips were so hot, yet soft and gentle. I was the more insistent one, begging with him for more. He held back, teasing me, running his tongue over my mouth. He was going to control me, push me back, stoke my desire until I broke down and cried. Just like he did with his addicts.

I acknowledged the thought and shoved it away. I didn’t want to think, only to feel. Give in and get it over with. My body had fought to suppress these cravings too long.

He slid a hand under my shirt, and I struggled to take his off. He obliged and flattened me against the sofa in return. My eyes lingered over his bandage for a second, bringing back thoughts of more important things—Pete, Olef’s vision, a feeling of a lack of progress. But these worries slipped through my mind as ethereal as a sprite.

Lucen pulled his lips away, leaving me gasping for air. My right arm was pinned between him and the sofa back. I squeezed his shoulder as he draped kisses from my chin down my throat. My skin erupted in tingles. He climbed higher onto his knees, crawling forward. I ran my left hand down his torso until I found his jeans button. The memory of him standing in the hallway, hard and gleaming with sweat, urged me on, but I found it so difficult to concentrate on anything but the warm, sticky sensations he was awakening.

Finally, I defeated the button, vanquished the zipper and wormed my hand through the opening. His sudden gasp left me moaning. Lucen had made no move to help me before, but now he kicked his pants off the rest of the way. Yet he didn’t try to remove a single piece of my clothing.

Didn’t he want to see me naked? Why had he made such a big deal about touching me if now he didn’t want to? Had he been screwing with my mind?

“Jess, relax.” He kissed both my cheeks and wrapped his arms around me.

I closed my eyes and buried my face against his skin. His embrace was sweet and tender, and completely at odds with the cinnamon-tinged perfume of his magic. Waves of longing racked my body. All my fantasies of tracing the contours of his muscles with my fingers and running my lips over every inch of his skin fell aside. The magic suffocated me. I had no patience for any of it. I only needed him inside me, satisfying these desperate cravings. His erection pressed into me, and I shivered with unfulfilled desire. I no longer knew where my desires ended and his magic began.

Maybe I’d never known. How much did I actually want him, and how much was the way his pheromones riled up my hormones? How much of my lust was genuine because he looked so damn good, and how much was his influence? How could I ever truly say yes to him if I had no power to say no when he got close?

Anger churned in my gut. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t I answer those questions? Why couldn’t I trust either of us?

“Jess, calm down.” He bit my lips lightly.

Any ability to consider the questions was dissolving from my grasp. Fueled by my frustration, I reached down into the depths of my soul and yanked on the last vestiges of my will.

Lucen’s mouth pressed down on mine again, and I turned away even as my body arched to meet his. “Stop.”

He exhaled a long breath. I dared open my eyes and peek at him. His head hung limp, his face disappointed. The rest of him hovered over me, ready and eager to please. I closed my eyes again as temptation threatened to destroy my resolve.

Yeah, I was aware of the absurdity. I’d torn his clothes off, but now I was asking him to stop. It probably wasn’t very nice of me.

We lay that way for a couple more minutes, him not quite touching me, me unsure how to explain myself.

Finally, he shifted. “I can’t do anything to help you, can I?”

A lump bubbled up in my throat, and I shook my head. “It’s my problem. I’m sorry.”

He kissed my forehead. “Last time before I become the leper again.” He pried himself off me and put on his pants.

“You know that’s not it.” He didn’t answer, so I sat up. “I want to trust you, really, but the fact is you can hurt me. Easily. Badly.”

“Just because someone can do something, doesn’t mean they will.”

“No, but it means I have a right to be wary.”

“So you think.”

“And with your magic, I can’t tell what’s me and what’s you. How do I know what I want when your power forces me to want you?”

Lucen pulled his shirt on. “I’ve never used magic to seduce you.”

“You don’t exactly have to try, do you?”

He chewed his lips like he was debating an answer when the phone rang again. I sank into the sofa in relief as he stormed into the kitchen. Every inch of me ached with unfulfilled desire, but even worse was the hollowness inside. For the second time today, repressed tears burnt my eyes. I must have ruined everything.