Wide Awake (20 page)

I decided that I needed to stop trying so hard to be the old me. They needed to see the changes in me and stop expecting certain things or behaviors. So, that night at dinner, I told them that I was quitting cheerleading.

Isabella's eyes were the size of golf balls. Rhett just seemed disappointed and shook his head. I had been expecting that, so I tried to explain myself. "I tried. I went to practice and it just didn’t work out."

"Your physical strength will come back. It just takes time," Rhett reasoned.

"It's not my physical strength. It's the fact that it's not me. It's not who I am."

Isabella scoffed. "It's been who you are since you were five years old."

I spoke softly. "Not anymore. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to upset you. I just need to do what's right for me."

"You're giving up so easily," she said. "I expected more from you, honey."

OK, that stung. She got up, leaving Rhett and me at the table. "I'm sorry you're disappointed."

"We didn't raise a quitter, is all. I just wanted you to finish what you started."

"But I don't feel as though
I
started it." He looked at me. Really looked at me.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he whispered and got up.

I felt terrible. I really did. I didn't want to hurt them, but this was my fork in the road. I couldn't split myself in two trying to please everyone. So I went to bed early and dreaded school the next day.

When I got up, I peeled the side of the bandage off my tattoo even though Mason said I wasn't supposed to. I just had to see it. I sighed at seeing it again. It was so...beautiful. And it was all me.

Andy came that morning and I took the ride, but on the way to school, I made sure to lay out that I wasn't available anymore and didn't have any interest in rekindling any old flames between us. And I didn't want his rides to school anymore either.

"No guy in his right mind would dare try to date you," he scoffed as he pulled into the lot. "They know I'd tear their head off."

"He's not from school. But do you hear yourself? You don't own me."

"I know." He pulled into the same spot again. The one that was apparently saved for him. "I know that, babe, but everyone at this school knows that we've been together forever."

I lifted my brow at him. "Not forever, right? Everyone at this school knows that you dated that other girl."

He looked angry for a second, but then backtracked. "You sound jealous."

"I'm not," I assured him. "I think if you want to be with her, you should go for it."

He sighed and banged his fists on the steering wheel. "Damn it, Emma! Why are you fighting this so hard? Just give us a chance. You're writing us off before you even see if this can work or not."

I nodded. "You're probably right, Andy," I said softly and knew that this was hard for him. As much as I didn't like him, he had been trying hard with me. "I'm sorry. I just can't pretend. If anything, all of this has shown me that life is too short. I'm sorry."

"You owe it to me."

"No, I don't." I straightened my back. "I owe it to myself."

He shook his head vigorously. "No. I'm not giving up that easily."

He got out, leaving me sitting in his car. I sighed and got out, too. I passed the group and went straight to my locker. Andy was brooding off to the side so I assumed that they thought we were in a fight.

I opened my locker and saw a flash of blond in my peripheral. The girl I bumped into was in her locker a couple down from me. She was juggling her books and purse. I grabbed my first period book out and checked over my shoulder. My
friends
weren't even paying attention to me. Not that it mattered.

I shut my locker and went up to her. "Hey."

She glared at me with suspicion. "What?"

"Nothing. Just
hey
." With that, I walked away. Baby steps. And I had to admit, it was fun knowing that she probably wondered who had possessed my body.

I skipped through the day, avoiding Andy as much as possible. And at lunch, I skipped that, too. Going to the library to avoid lunch seemed too cliché, so I went out to sit on the lawn. There were a few picnic tables, but I just lay back. The sun was warm and it reminded me of the first time Mason had opened the blinds in my hospital room, letting me feel the sun for the very first time that I could remember.

Someone else came outside, but as soon as she saw me, she stopped. It took me a second to realize who it was, but when she turned to bolt, I remembered. "Hey!" I called. She turned like I was about to shank her or something. "Hey, it's OK. Wanna sit?"

She eyed me suspiciously, just like the girl at her locker had. I rolled my eyes. "It's OK. I won't bite."

"Why do you want to talk to me? It's over, Andy and me."

I nodded. "I know."

"So…" She looked at me and tried to will me to go on. I didn't. "What?"

"I just wanted you to know that I don't have it out for you or anything. I know my…friends made a fuss the other day, but that's not how I feel."

She pressed her lips tightly and looked to be holding back a dam. She sat roughly on her knees in the grass and pressed her fingers to her lips. "He was so devastated after…" I nodded to let her know that I knew what she meant. "He moped around the halls for weeks. He was so angry, getting into fights and always skipping class. I felt so bad for him, and one day, I caught him really upset in the gym when no one else was there. He seemed really happy to have my help. I didn't know what I could do, but I listened… One thing led to another." She sniffed and hung her head. "I felt horrible. The guilt ate at me, and I could tell everyone at school thought I was a tramp or something. I felt so guilty, but he seemed to need me so much. He was so…clingy, almost. He was with me every day, and I'm not telling you that to make you jealous," she insisted.

"I'm not jealous. I know he's trying, but…he's not for me."

"But," her eyes widened, "he dumped me for you. You have to take him back."

"No, I don't," I said softly. "I've already told him that if he wants to go back to you, he should. I don't want either of you to feel guilty about me."

"You told him that?" she said, stunned.

"Yeah," I dragged out.

"But he hasn't…I mean, he hasn't spoken a word to me since, and he won't answer my texts. I just wanted to tell him it was OK, but he won't even talk to me."

"How did you find out that I woke up?'

"He left a note on my car at work." She sniffed again.

I shook my head. "He broke up with you in a note on your car?"

She nodded pathetically. "Yes," she whined. "And he hasn't spoken to me since. And I get it, you're back, that's great. I just wanted to make sure he was OK and to tell him that I understood why he needed to go back to you. But he won't…"

"I'm sorry."

She cringed back. "Why on earth are
you
apologizing to
me
?"

"Because I know what's it like to wish things were different. For you to feel one way, but everyone else wants you to feel another."

"Why don't you hate me?"

"Like I said, I'm not who Andy's supposed to be with. He just feels guilty about me, but he'll come around eventually. When he does, if you still want him, don’t worry about me. I've moved on."

"You're with someone?" she said and wiped her eye. I could tell she wanted to ask more.

"Yeah." I stood, slinging my backpack over my shoulder. "He's really great. He kinda…saved me."

She nodded, staying in her seat in the grass. "Are you happy?" She picked at a couple blades of dead grass and looked up at me. "Like, really happy?"

"I'm not sure," I said truthfully. "That's like saying,
Do you like apples?
when you've never eaten any before."

"But do you feel like you're on your way to being?"

That, I could answer. "Absolutely. One way or another."

I left her there in the grass, absolutely positive that we'd never speak again. Not that I didn't want to, but giving her the forgiveness she thought she needed to move on was what I had wanted. Now that she had it, I could almost guarantee she'd move on. She wouldn't wait for Andy to come around, because she knew in her heart that he wouldn't.

That night, I had a session that I had forgotten about, but my parents insisted on coming with me to the hospital. So once again, I got to see Mason, but not
see
Mason. Even doing our exercises, they seemed extra interested and asked him a million questions about what these exercises were doing for me and how long it should take until I didn't need therapy anymore.

They were on to us, I thought.

I texted Mason on the way home and told him I was going to tell them about us before things got worse with them. He texted back to wait, that he wanted to tell them with me. He didn't want me to deal with that alone and it was only right to tell them himself. He wanted to explain himself and show respect for them while still letting them know that I was growing up and moving on. That he cared about me sincerely and this wasn't some crush that he was taking advantage of.

I grinned through my almost-tears all the way.

That night I soaked in a warm bath, as ordered by Mason. I went through my dresser drawers earlier in a scavenger hunt sort of way. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular, just looking. I found an MP3 player and decided to play something during my bath, maybe get a little peek of the old me in that music.

But after flipping through album after album of teenie pop
I'ma-go-to-da-club-and-rub-against-you-tonight's-the-night-for-letting-loose
crap… I almost gave up, but then I came across something completely different. I waited for the song to change, to trick me into believing it was different, but it didn't. I even sat up, dried my hand off with the towel, and looked to see who and what it was. It read
Nobody Else Could Be You
by Jason Reeves.

The song was beautiful beyond words. His voice, smooth and emotional. It didn't make sense why I didn't know any of the songs in my own player, but Mason played that song at the hospital and I knew who it was. Why would my brain nitpick like that?

I listened to that whole album, and then deleted everything on the player
except
that album.

Another way of starting over.

That night while putting on one of the silk nightgowns that Isabella had left on the bed for me, I sat on the bed and turned the radio on to see what the latest music was. It was so interesting how eclectic and random the music seemed to be. Isabella had buzzed my room to tell me supper was ready, but I said I wasn't hungry. She didn't sound happy about it, but probably just thought I was skipping meals for my figure.

Whatever.

So, with new tunes that I'd never heard of streaming through my room, I set to more exploring. I'd gone through all the drawers in the desk and dressers. The closet was empty of almost everything but new clothes and shoes. I threw all the make-up away, except the colors that I thought were my speed. My love for flavored lipgloss must have stuck with me because I still found myself putting it on constantly. I had unpacked my stuff from the hospice and put the Christmas presents over on the corner window sill. It didn't seem right to open presents that really weren't for me. It seemed fitting for them to stay in the window sill. They belonged there...for now, at least.

I was going through an old purse and dumping all the trash from school and gum wrappers when a thought hit me.

I wondered if I ever had a diary. Finding something that would help me see what the old me was like would have been like Christmas, even if I didn't like what I found. And as I had the thought, an idea popped into my head.

The bed.

I crawled across the floor from my perch and slid my hand between the mattress, running it along the seam. Jackpot.

I pulled it out quickly and leaned against the bed with my back as I opened the book on my lap. The first page almost made me close it.

It's hard being gorgeous, but someone has to do it.