Wide Open (6 page)

"Hey, it's barely even started and you're leaving? You're new, right?" she asked, though I could tell she knew the answer already.

"I was leaving," I answered truthfully, "but honestly, I think…I've found a reason to stay." My tone and the way my eyes bore into hers left nothing to the imagination. I was absolutely flirting with her. It shocked the hell out of me that I got so much enjoyment out of it. And I enjoyed the blush that crept into her cheeks very much.

She smiled a little in allowance. "I would think you would have a better reason to stay."

I felt my lips lift. "Mmm, right now? I don't think so."

She barely licked her lip and then looked behind me. "There's an empty chair right here in the back. We call this the
safe zone
. For the commitment-phobes."

I laughed. "I think I probably qualify. And…where are you sitting?" I asked, but we both knew I knew.

She smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I stand in the back. I think I'm more of a commitment-phobe than you. Besides, I've done my stint in NA already. Now I'm just here for…moral support. And to keep the phobes from escaping."

She giggled at her own joke. It was the cutest thing I'd ever seen.

My mouth said, "Want to compare phobes…over dinner tonight?" I gritted my teeth at myself. I hadn't even been at NA for five minutes and I was already asking a girl out.

Her breath released slowly. "Addicts aren't really supposed to date other addicts. Besides, are you supposed to be dating right now?" she asked.

People in AA or NA or anything else weren't supposed to date for years or something. But I wasn't really in NA, or was I? I was just hoping I could keep myself out of trouble without Joey here.

"Whoa, who said anything about a date?" I teased.

Her lips parted and she backtracked. "Uh…I thought—"

"Is that a no, then?" I grinned along with my teasing.

"So you're not officially in the program? How many days are on your coin?"

"Don't have a chip or coin or badge or any of that other stuff. I…" I smiled and felt kind of guilty for some reason. "I've never gone to meetings."

"No meetings. No coins." She took a deep breath. "You can still answer my question of how many days sober, can't you?"

"I could," I ventured and smiled. She stared at my mouth for a few long seconds before looking back up to my eyes.

"You are a compulsive question avoider, aren't you?" Again she hit the nail on the head. She smiled to ease the sting.

"Guilty as charged."

"Would saying no flat-out help or hurt your ego with the fact that you're not supposed to be dating yet anyway?"

It was as if she knew I was hiding this big, bad secret inside and wanted to take it easy on me, but still call me on my crap.

"Not really. You see, I'm just here because I promised my friend I'd come."

She nodded, her lips sucking into her mouth in between her teeth. "Who?"

"Who what?"

"Who did you promise you'd come?" She crossed her arms over her chest and tilted her head, waiting for my answer.

"A friend. She left for a job in Texas. She was my…"

"Girlfriend," she supplied, and no matter how much she tried, she couldn't stop the disappointment from seeping into her words and her face.

Good night
, the little insightful, raven-haired minx was going to slay me where I stood. "No. My sponsor, of sorts. She took care of me herself. Her dad's a preacher and they watched out for me. Besides, I asked you out. I wouldn't have done that if I had a girlfriend."

"I guess not," she said. She looked infinitely sad all of a sudden. I went to speak, but she beat me to it, leaning back against the wall. "I wouldn't be a very good date even if you were supposed to be dating." She was not going to let that go, huh? Must be a strict thing around here. "I'm…" She pulled a coin from her pocket. She held it up sadly and smiled. "Mine is a three year coin. And counting." One side of her mouth lifted as she looked at it, almost lovingly. Maybe it was full-blown love for that coin, I didn't know. "You're not supposed to date for at least one year, some say two, but I've had a million and one things going on at once." She finally looked at me again. "Boys were never one of them."

I saw it, the barely-there spark that was left in her. She thought she was used up; she thought she had nothing left to give. It broke that vessel in my chest right there in the back of the NA meeting. I knew then I wanted more than just some flirting. And the tactics were going to have to change. Flirting came back so easily for some reason, but that wasn't what this girl needed. She needed someone to show her that whatever we were before wasn't who we had to be. Whatever sins of our past could stay there and not follow us into the rest of our lives.

But that somebody wasn't me.

I couldn't be somebody's light. I barely lit my own way on most days. So I looked around before looking back at her. She had a knowing smile on her face—her gorgeous little face that pleaded with me to save her and make her whole. "Well, I guess I'll see you around."

She nodded and put her coin back into her pocket. She smiled and turned to grab a pamphlet off the wall.

"My number's on the bottom." I raised a brow at that, my grin slightly returning. Her neck turned pink and she chuckled under her breath. "I mean, the hotline's number. I work here at the center. If you ever need to talk to someone or know someone who needs to talk, the number is on the bottom."

"And you would answer the phone?"

"Sometimes. There are several of us. I'm here almost every day." She pursed her lips a little at that admission. "Anyway. Good luck…uh?"

"Milo. Miles. Whatever."

"Milo." She picked the name as if she was claiming that as the name she'd call me. "Maya."

She put her hand out and I took it, pumping it gently. "It was nice to meet you, Maya."

"Same, Milo. I hope to see you again. Here, at the center for a meeting," she hurriedly corrected.

"Maybe." I started to leave, but stopped and looked over at her. "And if I had one of those chips, it would say one year, ten months, and twenty-one days on it. Not quite two years, but it's longer than I thought I'd ever get," I mused. That just didn't seem real. If she could only have seen me back then.

"That's amazing," she said in surprise.

I smirked. "What?"

"Nothing. I assumed you were a newbie, one of those one-weekers or something. Most people who don't come to meetings have a really hard time staying clean."

"Never said it wasn't hard."

"But," she continued as if I hadn’t interrupted, "that's what I get for assuming, right?"

"No, tell me what you get."

She laughed, which had been my intention. Man, she sounded angelic like that. "I'll let you figure it out."

"Maybe I will, next week."

I was being stupid. I should never come back here. This girl was going to get me into a different kind of trouble that I wasn't sure I was ready for. But I needed to come…well, I kind of promised Joe I would.

"I'll be here," she said easily, shrugging one shoulder, and smiling before moving past me to stand at the back of the group. That thought made me feel somewhat easier about this whole group thing.

I walked past the body shop to my apartment. I liked walking and running. It not only kept me in shape and busy, but it kept my limp from being so noticeable. It never bothered me too much. And when I ran, I didn't notice it at all, but when I walked, especially at the end of the day, you could tell sometimes.

My apartment was the next block over from the shop, above a little Chinese restaurant that made their own fortune cookies. It actually wasn't a bad place to live, smelling cookies baking all day. My apartment was small, and the dark brick walls made it seem even smaller. It was a studio apartment, so the bedroom and living room had no real walls to separate them. I didn't have much.

But it was mine. I paid the rent, the lights, bought my own food. The fact that I paid those bills with the new last name I had to change to Sawyer to make sure that nobody ever came looking for me didn't matter.

I took a quick, hot shower and then laid on the couch and watched hot rod rebuild shows as I ate a sandwich. I texted Joey and told her I went to a meeting. She told me she got settled into her new place and started the new job on Monday.

This was my life and I wouldn't wish this nonexistent life on anyone.

But I thanked God for that nonexistence every…

Single.

Day.

Maya

I stared at the coin that displayed for all to see that the user had made it two years without a drink or smoke or pill. I slipped it into my purse for safekeeping. I didn't know if that guy was going to come back, but if he did, I'd have a coin for him in a few weeks when he reached his two year mark. To the day.

It had been three days and I still found my mind drifting to him sometimes. He was so different from other guys. Getting clean without doing meetings was pretty impressive. Or dumb, depending on how you looked at it.

Probably a little of both.

But I knew one thing he was for certain, brave. And scarred. That's two things, but generally I've come to realize those things come hand-in-hand. My cell rang and I glanced over at it to see HOME displayed on the screen. My heart beat so hard as I grabbed it quickly and said a prayer in my head as my mouth said, "Will?"

"It's okay. Geez, you know I can call just to call and it doesn't mean I'm about to keel over."

He was irritated. I rolled my eyes. It wasn't my fault I panicked every time he called. "What's up?"

"Will you bring home some dinner? Real dinner. I'm not eating veggies and green juice tonight." I pressed my lips together. "Sis," he prompted.

"I guess one night won't kill you." I slapped my hand over my mouth in horror, my eyes stinging. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

He chuckled. "Dang. For once I thought you were being funny."

"It's
not
funny, Will," I hissed.

"Sometimes, Maya…all you have left is funny. It's okay, all right? Just bring something home, please. We'll go back to blender-veggies tomorrow. Promise."

"Fine." I wiped the stray tear that escaped. "I'll be home in a couple hours."

"Last week's
Walking Dead
episode is on the DVR. Zombies make everything better."

I shook my head and groaned out a laugh. "You're such a pain in my butt."

"I believe that's the definition of 'sibling'. Not shirking my duties. Nuh-uh."

I laughed a little harder, hating that laugh and loving it, too. I didn't laugh much anymore. It felt wrong and foreign. "See you in a bit."

"Hurry up, creep."

I took a breath before getting back to work and before I knew it, the clock said it was time to go. My poor truck sputtered and kicked as I lurched from the parking lot. It needed several things, but a battery was one. I had to get it jumped off several times the past few months. It also needed a new alternator, and the speedometer had stopped working more than a year ago, so I never knew how fast I was going, but it didn't matter. I loved my truck. I just wish I had the money to fix it.

I pulled into the lot and pushed the door open, the ringing of the bell above the door signaling my entry. The small old lady behind the counter's broken English was pretty darn adorable as she smiled at me. I told her my order of one beef and broccoli and a General Tso's chicken. And I always got some of the fortune cookies. They were the best there was. They were more like dessert than a little stale cookie with a fortune in it. These cookies made me want to believe whatever was inside it.

"Should've gotten the egg foo young," I heard over my shoulder. I turned my head and almost bumped faces with the guy as he leaned down. He chuckled and stepped back. "The foo is the best."