Wild Heart (30 page)

Authors: Jennifer Culbreth

BOOK: Wild Heart

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As she made her way into Murphy Medical Center she felt as though everyone’s eyes were on her. As if they all knew the dirty secret she held behind her sullen eyes. She made her way toward the suite that Cash had instructed her to go to, finding a smiling nurse who was waiting for her arrival. She smiled weakly at Knox as she made her way into the examination room. Her stomach twisted and turned with each touch of the doctor. She ran every test imaginable and swabbed every square inch of Ani’s skin as she concluded her examination.

“Ok, Ani, I think we are all done here. I have a prescription here for you, some antibiotics and some pain killers. Make sure you take these with food as they can make your stomach a little queasy.” As the doctor continued to talk, Ani’s thoughts drifted off. She didn’t focus on the humming of the doctor’s voice as the visions of the woods and the serenity of the trees floated into her head. She nodded in agreement as the woman finished speaking, taking the small pieces of paper from her and heading toward the door.

She felt empty, like she was only the shell of her exterior now. She breezed past Knox and Repo as she made her way to the hospital exit. She was practically sprinting as she came out of the automatic doors and took off into the parking lot. She didn’t want to be here anymore, she didn’t want to be around people. The only way she knew how to cope with pain was to hide, to box herself away from everyone so that no one else got hurt; including herself. She screamed as a hand grabbed her arm in an effort to slow her. She turned to see Knox’s ghost white face, startled at her panic.

“Aiyana, where are you going?” he whispered out as if not wanting to know the answer.

“Away from here. Away from everyone. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to be touched.” She could feel the anger and resentment building inside of her gut and she latched onto that as she threw the first punch. “I don’t want you to touch me. Every time you touch me all I can see is his face.”

“Ani,” his voice was hurt as he searched for the words to say to her. “I’m not going anywhere. You can scream, shout, make as big of a scene as you want, but I’m not leaving you. I am going to fight through this with you.”

She glared up at him, her eyes piercing down to his soul. She knew she had to push, she need to take this as far as she could to get it out of her system and she prayed that he would be able to handle it. She knew she was going to say things to purposefully hurt him because she wanted him to feel the hurt and pain that had now replaced her loving spirit.

“I don’t want you to fight for me, Knox. I am fucking strong enough to take care of myself. I want you to feel the same hurt that I feel. The same gut wrenching feeling that sinks into my stomach when I think about what happened. You keep saying you’re not gonna go anywhere, but let’s not kid ourselves. I can’t stand for you to touch me because every time you do I feel him. I feel his hands on me. I feel him inside of me. I can’t stand to look at you because every time I closed my eyes you were all I thought about.” She could see the blow of her words had hit him directly in the gut. His mouth hung open as she calculated each word she was saying.

“I hate you, Knox. I hate you and I love you and I don’t know what to do with that. I want to touch you and hit you. I want you to leave me the fuck alone but never leave me at all!” She grabbed at the sides of her head as she fell to the ground. “I hate what he did to me. I hate that it holds power over me and I don’t know how to make it go away.”

She watched as he swayed, taking in the words that came screaming out of her mouth. She knew she had done it. She’d pushed him enough that he would turn and walk away from her. No one wants a woman who’s been tainted by an agony that she can never purge from her system. She waited as he stood over her, waited for him to turn and leave her on the ground. She closed her burning eyes as she heard his footsteps away from her. This was it, this was the end and she would regret every minute of it for the rest of her life. It was to her surprise when she heard him return to her, wrapping a jacket around her arms as he sat down onto the dirty parking lot pavement next to her.

“Ani, I have never really told you this. Never said it out loud. I was too much of a coward to, I’ve said it in my head a million times, but never like I should have. Ani, I love you. I love you so much it hurts and I couldn’t think of anything that could hurt worse than not having you in my life.” He leaned back onto his hands, looking up at the star speckled sky. “If you need to scream, you scream, baby. If you want to hate me, it’s ok. I’m not going anywhere.” His eyes made their way back down to her, she could feel the warmth of his gaze spreading across her body.

“Knox,” she attempted to resist.

“No, Ani. You don’t get to make that choice. You don’t get to choose for me. I have made up my mind that death will be the only thing to take me away from you.” He let out a deep breath looking back up. “So we will sit here for as long as you need to, staring at the ground, staring at the stars. Whichever you choose, but we won’t leave until you’re ready.”

It didn’t reflect on her face, but inside she smiled. She knew this would be a long journey and she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that no matter how hard it got, Knox would be there by her side. Her wants began to materialize in her mind, she wanted to be with Knox and she wanted this trauma to be gone. She wasn’t angry at Knox, she was angry at what Chief had done to her. Knox hadn’t hurt her, Chief had. She had to repeat those things in her head or else she’d take it out on Knox for the rest of her life.

After they left the hospital Repo and Knox had taken her back to the clubhouse. Everyone had cleared out by now, everyone except Kate and her dad. She cringed, wondering how she’d explain everything to her dad. She didn’t want him thinking poorly of her choice to be with Knox or Knox’s way of life. The clubhouse was dark as they pulled up into the front yard. They made their way toward the door and just before he opened it, she reached over and grabbed Knox’s hand. She felt him looking down at her, but chose not to look up at him. She was fighting the vile thoughts that were trying to force themselves back into her head.

“Oh my God, Ani, I’m so glad you’re ok!” Kate rushed to her, wrapping her up in her arms. Ani froze, her breath ceasing as the entrapped feeling floated through her body. She resisted the urge to push Kate off her. Seeing the despair in Knox’s eyes she gave him a weak smile as she brought her arms up around Kate.

“Where’s my dad?” Ani asked, eyeing around the room to find it empty.

“He’s upstairs. I’ll go get him.” Kate looked up at her warmly, “I’m so glad you’re ok. I was so worried.” She hugged her tightly one last time before she turned and headed up the stairs.

Ani made her way over to the couch and took a seat. She looked around the open room and absorbed the feeling of being home. She took it in, lapping up every last ounce of the familiar feeling. The room felt the same even though she felt different. She ran her hand over the worn fabric of the couch, attempting to solidify that she was actually here. She heard her dad lumbering down the stairs and looked up to see his warm face. She made her way over to him and wrapped her arms around him without thought; he was her protector. She lingered in his hug as she felt his chest tighten, gently shaking as the tears dripped down onto the shoulder of her black shirt.

“Daddy, I’m ok,” she tried comforting him. “I’m here. I’m ok.”

“I know. I’m just so happy that you’re safe. If it wasn’t for Knox and Cash you wouldn’t be here right now.” He gently patted her hair as he spoke.

She’d heard Knox mention Cash’s name earlier, but hadn’t actually put the two together. Had they worked together to find her? She smiled, imagining how awkward it must have been for them both. Ani’s past and future colliding in a valiant mission to save the woman they loved. The weight behind the meaning of it struck a chord to Ani’s heart. They both loved her, Cash loved the girl she once was and Knox the woman she’d become. Two very opposite creatures, yet the same on so many levels.

She spent time catching up with her dad, but that was short and sweet. She couldn’t bring herself to explain in great depth what had happened, but enough for him to know the threat was gone. She watched as Rage came into the room, grabbing Kate and lifting her off the ground as he planted a passionate kiss on her lips. She wished she could have that once more, but knew that she wouldn’t be able to cross that bridge just yet. Right now she needed the reassurance of his presence more than she needed his touch. She let out a large yawn as Knox came over to the couch and took the seat that her dad had just left.

“You ready for bed, Babe?” His hand was gentle as he rested it against her crossed knee. She didn’t flinch from his touch or pull away like her body wanted to. She pushed past that and focused on her love for him.

“Yeah,” she placed her hand on top of his, intertwining her fingers their fingers as they made their way upstairs.

She felt exhausted, drained both mentally and physically. She sat on the edge of the bed as Knox undressed. She looked down at her hands, imagining the blood that had stained them only hours before. Butcher’s words floated into her mind,
make sure they don’t find out about her
. Who was she was supposed to be protecting? Starla? Chloe? Johanna? Of all of the people she thought it could be, Chloe seemed to be the most logical choice. She’d been trying to get with Knox, the president of the M.C., and when she couldn’t she’d been on Butcher’s arm ever since. And, what did it mean? Was this person A.T.F. as well or were they working with them?

Ani laid back onto the bed as Knox came over and climbed under the covers. She wanted to touch him, to wrap up in his arms but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She felt lonely. She was surrounded by people she knew loved her, but she couldn’t feel it. Something had severed the connection of her emotions to her brain. Where once she felt warmth at the thought of love, she now felt a cold emptiness. She wrapped her arms around herself as she rolled over to face Knox. His steel gray eyes held the same worry as his face. She could see that he wanted to help her, but he didn’t know how and neither did she.

“Promise?” she asked over to him.

“I promise. I’m nowhere else but here.”

“No matter how hard it gets?”

“No matter. I’ll never, ever, leave your side. We’re gonna face this together.”

She looked down between them where his hand lay, gently she reached over and took his hand holding it as they drifted off to sleep. This was going to be the darkest path she’d ever been down but she knew that there would be light at the end of the tunnel, she just had to make it far enough down the trail to see it.