William (19 page)

"So Theo and I each carried on in our own
ways, and from time to time I would decry his lack of restraint,
and he would ridicule me for my hypocrisy. That was the rift
between us. But we remained close for many years, all the same. For
over a hundred years, in fact. Until the change began.

"It happened to him much sooner, though we’re
so close in age. Perhaps he brought it on early with
overindulgence; then again, that may be unfair to say. At any rate,
we were living in Milan, somewhere in the last decades of the
seventeenth century, when we were both around a hundred-and-fifty
years old. I was still sleeping a few hours every day when Theo
stopped sleeping at all. One afternoon I awoke to find him in the
depths of melancholy, and from then on he began to pontificate in
the gloomiest terms. Strangely enough, I doubt we were ever closer
than we were in those days, for his dreariness gave him more in
common with me than ever before. He even left off his parties and
diversions and began to walk the city with me at night, drinking as
I did. All that summer, we spent many hours deep in
conversation.

“But then he announced that he'd lost his
appetite, and said he knew what he must do. I knew exactly what he
meant. He’d explained it to me many years before, the way his
master had explained it to him: That we would all grow old and
tired, and have to revive ourselves by finding some person to love
and to bequeath with our so-called gift. I still wasn’t convinced
it was any more than some stupid story. But Theo disappeared for a
few nights, and when he returned he was beaming with joy, more
vibrant and full of life than I’d ever seen him. And he explained
that he had gone out and found a delightful young woman, a scholar
by the name of Agnes, and he had made her a vampire.

"I was horrified. We had argued before about
the nature of that act; for him, it had been a pleasant event, but
of course I could only recall the atrocity of my own conversion.
And yet Theo had always insisted that we all had to do it, and I
could no longer be skeptical, now that I'd seen him waste away, and
seen him come back to life. But I was still repulsed by the
prospect of claiming a fresh soul, hurtling an innocent into a life
of murder. It was difficult enough to find my own peace with it,
and that was ever precarious; how could I inflict such a senseless
patchwork of morals on some hapless youth? How could I ever take
another under my guidance, when I myself had never found a balance
between gluttony, cruelty, and strict deprivation?

"I resolved in secret that when I myself grew
weary of this life, I would allow that weariness to take its
course. I would devote myself to medicine and healing until I
wasted away or destroyed myself. I would die a natural death. And I
must confess, William, I had more peace in that decision than I had
ever felt before.

"I thought it would be easy to slip away from
Theo when the time came; he was enamored of Agnes, delirious with
his new lease on life, and of course we’d finally begun to live
separately. When I stopped sleeping a decade later, I knew it was
beginning. But I had no idea that he still had one eye on me, that
he was watching for any sign of a decline in my spirits. And just
as I hid my plans from him, he kept his vigilance a secret. As I
prepared to fade away, he was already conspiring against me.

"One morning a young man appeared at my
house. I knew him. I had cured him of a deadly fever years before,
when he was hardly more than a child. Now he was nearly thirty, and
no longer a peasant; he was an artist, a sculptor of great talent,
though he was lacking for patrons, and he had sought me out in
hopes that I might have some work for him in exchange for room and
board. He said he had never forgotten my kindness, that he had
prayed to God for guidance and had been inspired to beseech me for
help.

"I took him in."

Merrick fell silent for a long while, and the
whole room seemed to darken.

"I enjoyed his company by day, and stayed
away at night so as not to be tempted, though my thirst had by then
grown quite scarce. To my surprise, a real friendship bloomed
between us. He was a quiet man, serious, and deeply principled. He
spoke of God and art in the most intriguing ways, bringing me back
to memories of my own faith, and of those happy years with Michael.
So I was shocked one evening when he embraced me, but I was moved
by the intimacy he offered. And so we were lovers, for a time. But
then, to my dismay, my thirst began to return, and I found myself
killing more often again, and with him on my mind. Even worse, I
started to imagine what it would be like to turn him; I wondered if
he might, in fact, be capable of adapting as I had done.

“And then I was disgusted with myself. I
hated myself for even entertaining the notion. I grew afraid it was
happening just as Theo said it would—that the vampire part of my
soul had chosen this young man, and I would soon be helpless to
resist the call to make him my companion. I knew I had to get rid
of him, to send him far away. So I arranged for him to take up
study under a master sculptor in Spain, where he'd be safe from me.
But he refused. He wanted to stay with me. And I knew at once that
I did not have the strength to refuse him. I knew that the urge
would grow, and I would give in, and I would turn him. And I was
certain it would be disaster. I was convinced it would destroy him,
corrupt his sanity and taint his spirit as it had done mine. And so
that night I took him in my arms and killed him.”

I summoned all my will to school my features
as I felt a dozen revelations come together in my mind.

So this was why Theo had come by to give me a
final push, why he’d hinted that Merrick might do anything at the
last moment.

So it was possible that Merrick might have
killed me rather than turn me.

So I was not the first lover Merrick had
thought to turn!

Good God.

Merrick’s eyes came back to mine, waiting,
and I realized this was what he’d been afraid to tell me. Yes, no
wonder. I shook my head, overwhelmed, but not nearly as shocked or
troubled as he seemed to expect. To show as much, I simply took his
hand and waited for him to go on.

His eyes went down to our linked hands,
staring for a moment before he laced his fingers through mine.

"I was beside myself with grief,” Merrick
said quietly, “and shame. Not because I’d chosen not to turn him,
but because I’d caused his death, because I’d lost enough control
to feel that was the only way to spare his soul. I spent all day in
agony, not knowing how I could go on. But as soon as evening came,
Theo came raging into my house. In all the years I’d known him, I’d
never seen him so angry. He was railing on, demanding to know why
I’d done it, why I hadn’t turned him. And I was stupefied, not even
knowing that Theo was so attuned to this man’s presence in my
life.

“Then it all came out. I realized Theo had
already known I was attempting to fade away—had anticipated it, to
be exact. And I learned what he’d done to destroy my efforts. Theo
has his own gifts, as a vampire—gifts of persuasion, temptation,
coercion. With enough intent, he can compel anyone to do anything.
Just as healing became my sorcery as a vampire, charm became his. I
had rarely known him to employ these gifts out of malice, for as I
said, he was a sensitive man, in the times when I knew him. But
such powers are at his disposal. And so, do you understand? Theo
had sought out that young man, stalked and chosen him, and had
planted the idea in his mind to visit my house, to seek shelter
with me.

"For the first time since we’d met, we nearly
came to blows. Theo was enraged by my promise to die, and I was
furious at him for drawing that innocent young man to my door, for
forcing me to choose between turning him and killing him. We fought
all night, until fatigue overcame him at noon, and I left him, more
determined than ever to finish out my penance and die. But he
wasn’t finished. He made it his mission to change my course.
Wherever I went, he followed me, and wherever he found me, we would
fight. And one day, in France again, I told him I was sick of the
game and I’d had enough. So to stop me from doing whatever I might
do, he used those dark charms against me—something he’d sworn he’d
never do—and willed me not to destroy myself. I left in disgust.
And at last I came to this country, knowing he was too terrified of
the journey to follow, hoping by the time he worked up the courage
his influence would have worn off, and I’d be gone.

"It isn't as though I lost all concern for
him. You may think I hate him, but we are brothers, of a kind.
We've shared too much for me to ever turn against him entirely, and
yes, I owe him my life, from our first meeting until this day. When
I arrived in the colonies I wrote to let him know my whereabouts;
after all, we are so close to alone in this world, and I would
never refuse him aid if he were in peril. Of course, he took it as
an invitation to write me incessantly, though I rarely replied; and
he did sway me, somehow, in the end, to seek you.

Merrick fell silent at last, gazing into his
wine as though the past lay at the bottom of the glass.”

"Don't think me cold-hearted, William. I deal
with him as neatly as I can, as well as I've learned to do. But
I’ve never forgiven him. And I can’t forgive him now, now that he’s
done it all over again."

At long last, I understood. Finally I'd found
the answers to my questions. Now I knew how Merrick himself had
become a vampire, how he and Theo had come together and fallen
apart, and why he had been so loath to turn me. But the feeling
that came over me was bittersweet. My heart ached for him, for all
that he'd endured; I had been filled with impotent rage as he spoke
of his so-called master. To think of my Merrick subjected to any
sort of cruelty and degradation was unbearable, and I found myself
more inclined toward Theo than ever, for he was the one who had put
an end to that atrocity.

And yet I understood, now, the grudge Merrick
bore against him; how frightening it must have been for him to find
that young man's fate in his hands, to be pitted against such a
temptation after a lifetime of abstinence. No wonder his dealings
with me had aroused such ambivalence and torment. No wonder his
fury ran so deep when Theo, once again, sprang out of the shadows
and backed him into a corner again.

Thank God this time he had chosen a different
path!

But apart from my grief on his behalf, I was
soothed to the core by his outpouring of honesty. For the first
time, I felt I was beginning to know him—not only as Merrick, the
apothecary who'd taken me in, but as the entire person that he was,
in all the vast complexity of his long-lived mind and soul. It gave
me confidence that I might yet consider myself his equal, despite
our differences. Yes, for all my distress at the thought of his
miseries, I was relieved beyond belief that he’d opened up to me at
last.

I turned and wrapped my arms about his
shoulders, pulling him close for a long, silent embrace.

"Forgive me,” I said quietly, “for forcing
you back to such painful memories."

"No. It's a relief to confess."

I stroked the silky hair at the nape of his
neck, thinking of the sculptor. I felt no jealousy; rather, I felt
a kinship with the man, as foolish as that was. His story had so
much in common with mine, up until the moment of truth, when
Merrick had made a different choice. Would it hurt him to know that
I'd wondered, for awhile, if he might elect to let me die in his
arms rather than turn me? At length I asked softly, "Did you
consider killing me?"

"Never." The answer was a surprise to me, but
it was quick and sure. His hands tightened on my back. "The very
thought of it made me sick."

"I'm sorry about him. The sculptor."

"So am I." Merrick's chin rested lightly on
my shoulder, and he gave a quiet sigh. "I was so determined to
leave your life intact."

"Do you wish you had turned him?"

He slowly shook his head, but his reply was
hushed and uncertain. "I would never have met you if I had done
that. So I did regret my choice from time to time, when I realized
what I had pulled you into."

Though I was now quite certain that Merrick's
view on this matter had changed, I couldn't help wanting to
reassure him. I lifted my head and framed his face in my hands,
letting my gaze wander over his handsome features before I looked
into his eyes. "I would never have forgotten you, Merrick. I would
have been heartbroken until my death, which would have come early,
because I would have sold all my books and then drunk and whored
myself to oblivion, just to escape the thought that you didn’t want
me by your side.” I wasn’t joking in the slightest.

But then I grew even more serious as another
piece of the puzzle fell into place.

“Just a moment,” I said, lifting my head to
look at him. “You don’t think he used those charms on me, do you?
You don’t think that’s what brought me to you that first night we
met.”

“No.”

I examined him closely, horrified. “That’s
why you were so appalled I’d seen him in the city. You’re afraid I
came to Boston under his influence.”

This time Merrick wasn’t ready to deny it.
Instead he looked down, knitting his brow.

“My desire for this has never wavered,” I
said, adamant, though I was rifling back through my memories
now.

“I know that,” Merrick said softly.

No, surely not. Surely Theo hadn’t used such
magic on me. Our conversations would have gone much more smoothly
if he had. I began to relax, even as I considered the distinct
probability that Theo had intended to exert such an influence on
me, if necessary. That, I realized, was almost definitely the
reason for his odd visit to Greenwich, and the strange way he’d
seemed to be sizing me up, asking if I’d changed my mind.