Willow (21 page)

“I did that for me but I wanted to leave you with the same memory.” He let go of my hand and grinned devilishly. “I’ll always be here for you but there are some things you have to figure out for yourself.” With that he left, leaving me standing there still touching my lips and feeling less confusion than before. He wasn’t a friend and couldn’t be a friend because I was in love with him. I had a chance to say yes, that I would be his significant other and I wasted it. What was it that my dad had said to me just a year before? “Don’t waste your chances – there are so few of them.”

Chapter 30

Still reeling from my intimate encounter with Reece just hours before, I removed my headband and brushed my hair until it shone. I looked agitated and I thought about canceling my plans with Haven. When he had called I thought about saying no. Time seemed to be dulling my connection with him and I didn’t know if it was because we both weren’t putting the effort into talking, and relationships require two, or because our moment had passed.

I smoothed my blue v-neck shirt and rubbed lotion on my hands. I didn’t like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I saw the dark features of a sad and lonely girl. I didn’t resemble the happy girl I had once been - the girl who smiled so cheerfully from a framed photograph in my room.

It had been taken when I was fourteen. My dad and I had been camping in our back yard and with Pandora by our sides we were sitting on a log in front of the fire pit holding drinks; dad had a beer and I had a root beer. We were trying to smile but burst into laughter as the self-timer on dad’s old Kodak went off.

Had I smiled and laughed like that since his death? I looked at my reflection again. I couldn’t even remember…

Life was much less complicated before love entered the equation. If Reece and Haven had feelings for me, I honestly couldn’t understand what it was they saw in me.

“You seem different. Did something happen?” Haven asked as he drove past town towards his place.

He looked at me with worry but I was busy tracing, albeit mindlessly, the curves on the passenger door. We had spoken few words and all I could do was shake my head.

“You may not realize this,” Haven began. “But do you know why I found the painting so attractive?”

I shook my head.

“The girl in the portrait wears the same expression that you so often do: thoughtful but mystifying. She reminded me of you. I thought about keeping it for myself for that reason alone but I knew you were drawn to it and the painting seemed to be made just for you.”

I looked over at Haven and gave him as genuine a smile as I could muster; it was weak as my heart was heavy, but he smiled back.

“I have a lot on my mind is all,” I explained. My problems, which seemed important to me, were really quite trivial. I thought about what Haven had once told me about not feeling like he had a place in the world either. I decided to question him about it.

“How can you not feel a part of the world when all of you will be in it longer than anyone else?”

There was a brief silence before he answered. “Just how much do you think we can really enjoy life? We’ve watched people we love die, we’re different and can’t draw attention to ourselves, and we are unable to escape the miseries of the world.”

Haven looked somber, “People are not meant to live that long.”

I nodded slowly and offered my own thoughts. “I know loneliness and I know death…I’ve only felt it a short time. I can’t imagine experiencing it for a generation or two…that and the horrors we know go on each and every day. I’m really beginning to wonder how much longer it will be before God says ‘enough is enough’ and puts an end to this.”

Haven glanced from the road to my face with a pensive gaze. “If you were God,” he proposed. “What would you do?”

I turned in my seat to give him my full attention. “I would most likely be a dictator and a short-tempered one at that. I don’t possess the kind of wisdom, patience or love that could give a world free will. I don’t think there can be real love or generosity of spirit when force is involved.”

I looked down, ruminating. “I see and hear enough. I wouldn’t want to see what God sees…I can’t even find the right path in my life so I can’t pretend to know how to solve the world’s problems.” I raised my eyes to meet his. “What about you?”

His eyes darkened as he looked at me through his lashes. In a voice so low I could barely make it out he asked, “Do you
really
want me to answer that?”

I nodded.

“I’ve seen enough. Most like us have been hardened over time. How can we care about humanity when humanity doesn’t even care for one another? The things people do to each other, the mistakes that each generation makes without learning from the one preceding…I’d have no mercy. I’d look at them as beings worth punishing for wickedness as vile as our own. But then, every once in a while, I catch a glimpse of something that reminds me of the good: A father playing tag in the yard with his son; a mother tenderly cradling her baby as she nurses her; a teenager assisting a stranger without being asked; a child looking at her surroundings in awe and wonder; the stranger that gives his life for another…Heroes lurk in the hearts of some but could I save the world for the few? That’s a question I can’t answer because the beast inside me wants to see most of them annihilated and when I say that, I mean eradication is far more merciful than existing in
this
kind of state longer than necessary. Humanity-” he said as he pointed to me, “They’re the lucky ones.”

“Well,” I said softly. “We need to make sure we live for the good.”

“Let me ask you something else,” he put forth. “How much pleasure do you think we get from life?”

“As much pleasure as we allow ourselves.”

Haven raised his brows as if he wasn’t expecting that kind of answer.

Chapter 31

Haven took my coat and hung it on a burnished burgundy coat rack in the hallway. Lauren came around the corner and gave me a warm and soothing smile. She took me in her frail arms and gave me an embrace. She smelled lightly of gardenia and her fair hair was pulled back in a loose chignon; as always, she was the most elegant woman I had ever laid eyes upon. I could see in her the great beauty she had once been and still was.

She led me into the great room where coral flares gleamed in the fireplace, adding partial warmth to the great space around us. With his arms folded across his chest, Levi was looking out the window and turned to acknowledge us. He looked down at me, nodded, and motioned with his head for Haven to follow him. Haven apologized and excused himself. Lauren led me to the couch and sat down near me. Moments later I felt a light breeze pass behind me as Lacey came around the couch and took a seat across from me. She was wearing a long nightgown and she was barefoot. Her fair hair cascaded down her back in a loose braid and she was carrying Grendel in her arms. The cat seemed to be tolerating her with great annoyance, although he remained still and silent. Lacey greeted me nonetheless.

“You must know by now. How are you handling it?”

“I’m not...” I said. And I wasn’t.

“You’re as we are…” she hissed in a low, teasing voice. “But different.” Giggling, she laid her head back on the chair and let the aggravated cat go free.

“I’m not,” I assured her. “I’m as ordinary as any other girl.”

“You’re a dormant,” she said, sitting up. “That’s rare and anything but ordinary. With you who knows what could happen, but they-“ Lacey gestured to Lauren and to the empty space behind me. “They have a weakness for strays.”

“That’s enough Lacey,” Lauren gently chided. “She didn’t come here to be made uncomfortable. That is impolite and you know better. When she is here, she is our guest and deserves to be treated as such.”

Squirming, I looked around for Haven.

“He’ll be down in a minute,” Lauren informed with a soft, restful voice.

“Look,” I began. “I’ve just recently heard this theory about me but I assure you, nothing has ever happened. It isn’t possible.”

“Almost anything is possible and there is no telling what your offspring could do, especially if you were with one of them,” Lacey explained.

“That doesn’t interest me,” I said flatly.

“Wow, maybe you
aren’t
one of us,” she said sarcastically.

“Enough,” Lauren remarked.

Sensing a presence and a floral scent, I lifted my hair and swept it over one shoulder. Turning slightly, I saw a dark-haired man standing in the doorway. He was more handsome than any man I had ever seen before. I also recognized him. He had been with Tristan in Gunnison. He was looking at me curiously and held a bunch of white orchids in one hand. He nodded towards Lacey. “Your father wants to have a word with you.”

Lacey rolled her eyes and lifted herself off the chair. “He always does,” she muttered as she walked towards the hallway and disappeared into the darkness.

The dark-haired man came over and leaned down and gave Lauren a gentle kiss on the cheek. She patted the side of his face and smiled at him. Their greeting reminded me of a mother and son but I knew I was looking at Philip. He handed her the orchids and she beamed. She brushed them with her fingertips and put them to her nose. Sighing, she asked him if he could put them in a vase and set them on the large mahogany table. Turning to face me she said, “I hope you’re not uncomfortable dear. You’ll have to excuse Lacey. She’s irritable because she is isolated and doesn’t have an age-mate to talk to.”

“This is a lot for you to digest,” Lauren went on. “I know…I was the same way.”

“Is there a reason,” I began hesitantly. “Why you can’t turn?”

“By what means?” She asked. “That’s unheard of and if it were possible, I wouldn’t. Not the way I am now – old, worn out, a life already lived. I would imagine it’s hard enough to be what they are without having to worry about being old, too. I’m past my prime and what’s more, I’m tired.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Philip drop his hands from arranging the orchids. He had heard and I immediately regretted asking the question. Here he was watching the woman he loved grow old and knowing she would die long before him. I lowered my head and whispered, “I shouldn’t have asked that.”

Lifting my chin Lauren looked me in the eyes. “Don’t worry about him. We’ve talked about this innumerable times. It’s a subject we’re both well versed in.”

Adjusting her shawl she looked at Philip and then to me. “I love them all – they’re my family and I know they will miss me but there are others that will soften the loss.”

“A loss that is without compare,” Philip said heavily. He put the vase on the table and stalked out of the room.

“Death,” Lauren whispered. “It’s seen as unfortunate but when you get to be my age, rest doesn’t seem so bad.”

“For us, yes,” I replied. “But for the ones left behind the pain is overwhelming.”

Lauren gazed at me thoughtfully.

“That’s why there has to be new ones, not necessarily to take the place of, but to alleviate the sting of loss. I worry about Levi and Philip the most; Philip because he chose me as his and once that mark has been made no one else can ever compare. He could search several lifetimes and never find another love like ours, but he has to find comfort somewhere or it’s an existence not worth living. And Levi…he has had companions but has yet to find a life-mate.”

“Maybe he prefers it that way,” Lacey said gaily as she entered the room and stepped into the light. Behind her, from the shadows, stepped Haven. He asked if I wanted something to eat or drink, causing Lauren’s face to drop. She immediately apologized for her forgetfulness but I assured them both that I was fine. Not listening, Haven went into the kitchen and retrieved a glass and filled it with some ice water. Setting it before me he sat down on the other side of me. I picked up the glass, took a sip, and before I could dab a drop that escaped, Haven swept it away with his fingertip. As before, when we were in the car together, I avoided looking at him.

“Ah, I see some tension,” Lacey accused. “Willow, you look a million miles away.”

I felt my cheeks redden. “Do I?”

“Knock it off,” Haven ordered as he gave Lacey the evil eye.

“It’s as if there is an elephant in the room and I can’t stand it,” Lacey protested. “And, dear friend, it looks like you’re the one losing the battle.” Her tone iced over with anger.

“Enough you two,” Lauren interceded. “If you will all excuse me, I feel like retiring for the night.” She carefully stood and laid a kiss on my head before turning to leave.

“Lauren,” I started as she turned to look at me. “I’ve really enjoyed knowing you and I want to thank you for always making me feel welcome.”

Her eyes sparkled. “You’re welcome my dear. I’m here for you and I know that someday, what you seek will be revealed to you and that you will find your place in the world.”

Tender tears began to well up inside me. She blew me a kiss and walked to the stairs, that sweet smile of hers never fading, and as she slowly ascended into the darkness, I kept my eyes on her and said to no one in particular, “She’s remarkable.”

After a brief silence Haven stood and held his hand out to me. “Would you like to see my room?”

“Mine first,” Lacey interrupted. Excitedly, she nudged past Haven and took me by the hand and led me past the couch, into the foyer, and up the stairs, which were dimly lit. Once upstairs, she made a left and took me into the first room. “I don’t get a chance to do this. We don’t receive visitors.” Turning on the light, she stood back to let me observe her private space. Her room wasn’t anything like I expected. It looked more like a room for a 10-year-old girl than a young woman. An elaborate dollhouse stood in a corner and in a small rocking chair sat a weathered porcelain doll with a long white dress, white boots and dark curls. Lacey’s bed was large, covered in off-white satin sheets, and draped by a white canopy. Lacey wasn’t looking at me and reached out and held on to the bed post before gracefully sitting down on the bed. It was as if she wasn’t really talking to me and just speaking aloud.

“I thought maybe you and I could be friends but you can’t force it, can you? Either you connect with someone or you don’t.”

Taken aback by her candor, I remained silent.

For a brief moment Lacey looked aggrieved, but she recovered her thoughts quickly. “You can’t imagine how alone I feel.”

Oh but I can.

I wondered how many others felt that way but would never admit it,
and in the quiet that followed I felt I had to say something. I motioned towards the wide, two-story cottage in the corner. “That’s quite the exquisite dollhouse.”

Lacey glanced over at it and slid off the bed. She reached inside the miniature girl’s room and picked up a porcelain doll with blonde curls and a green and white polka dot dress.

“It must seem odd, given my age, and who I am, but I never had a mother and didn’t have a normal upbringing.” Fluffing the dress she looked the doll over before placing her back in the room.

“My dad and Philip designed and built this for me several years ago. I had been melancholic and they had asked me when I had last been happy…That’s when I told them I wanted a mother.”

She placed the doll on a small chair and whispered. “I also told them that their lovers didn’t count.”

She looked at me painfully and I cast my eyes downward.

“My dad, Haven and Philip…they have each other, they’re like brothers, but me…other than Lauren I have no one. What will I do when she’s gone?”

Touched and surprised by her unexpected vulnerability I cautiously reached out to touch her on the arm and she reached up to touch my hand. Through the light fabric of her sleeve, I could feel her strength and I knew that as tough as she was, there was that soft part of her that needed belonging and companionship as much as anyone did.