Wingless Book Series (book 1) (34 page)

“
Do you think that you will go to
her funeral?” he asked, catching me off guard.

“
I don’t want to. I just want to
remember her the way she was, not in a coffin,” I said, goose bumps
crawling up my arms.

I had gone through the funeral
with Marcus and I vowed never again to make that mistake. I didn’t
feel better as some felt after a funeral, it was morbid and
depressing. I could never do that again.

“
I understand, I just wondered,”
he replied, smoothing my hair.

Chapter 34

Empty and Full

One time, when I was little, I
recalled the feeling of not truly feeling I was alive. I sat in a
chair, upside down, trying to feel. I didn’t know how to tell my
parents that I didn’t understand the concept of living and that I
was wishing with all my might I felt something. I was a terribly
confused and stifled child who, for whatever reason, had so much
anxiety about life and death. I never understood why a child would
have that much fear so quickly.

One time Vanessa told me a
story about her father. When she was little he wasn’t around and
her mother was married to a different man. She never knew that her
real dad
was even her dad. He would come
around sometimes and tell her the same story about taking her away
to live with him and she said it scared her so bad she would cry.
And then years later, he was in her life and she just forgot that
fear.

I think everyone had fear, and I
thought it was amazing how one fear could be so large, like the
fear of being murdered or dying from a disease, to a tiny fear,
like of spiders. But no matter how big or small, they all were just
as powerful and did the same thing to your body.

My fear in life that was
simple-
I feared that I would die before I
lived. I feared that when I did die, I would have realized that all
I was taught was wrong and I would be out of luck. I was scared
that there was no afterlife and I would be nothing anymore. I even
worried that no one would show up to my funeral. And I worried that
no one would care like they told me when I was
alive.

I feared so much, I was afraid to
live right. I feared that the saying, “God has a plan for everyone”
was a curse. I thought this meant once you found out what your
meaning was, you would die. Wouldn’t that only make sense? And if
that were the case, the easy way to keep on living would be to just
not do anything in life.

Everything has a reaction though,
so even when you think you’re not doing something, the simplest
thing could be what you were meant to do. Sometimes people lived a
short time to help others live. Life was a crazy ride.

I was going to do something I had
planned against, and that was talk to my family. Open up to them
and let them know that I was happy with what my life was like. I
knew they weren’t and I was going to demand they accept me. And if
not, then I would cut all ties and go my own way. It was their
chance to start new. I was even willing to extend a hand to
Gray.

Life was short and I didn’t want
to feel like I never truly accepted them and gave them a chance. No
matter how much you don’t like the family you’re given, sometimes
you just had to try to make do with what you had. If you couldn’t,
that wasn’t your fault, but at least you tried.

I had Evan drive me there. I knew
if he drove me then I had no way of just taking off if things went
bad. And I didn’t tell anyone I was coming because it seemed to me
a better way to get complete honesty. I was feeling ready. I knew
it was the best thing to do.

“
Alright, I’ll give you a call
when I’m ready,” I said.

I unbuckled my seat belt,
hesitating to get out.

“
And I’ll be here in an instant,”
Evan said and we kissed. He touched my face, letting me get out of
the car and do what I thought was best. I was sure he was behind me
totally and always.

Walking up the steps of my
house brought back so many memories. It was funny how a simple set
of porch steps could trigger so much. I remembered all the times my
parents fought when I was a little child, and how I would stare out
the window as my dad
walked down them,
swearing he never would come back again. But he always
did.

I remembered the time that
Marcus and I sat out there on those steps making paper airplanes
when we were little kids.
And how no
matter how hard I tried, I could not get mine to fly as good as his
did. And how he would laugh at me for how upset I got over
it.

I remembered when the whole family
ran harder than they ever ran down them to rush to the hospital to
be by Marcus’ side to see him one last time before he died. No one
knew it would be the last.

I walked up the steps of memories
and into the house that held so much as well. The walls were always
filled with pictures. Pictures of every memory you could imagine.
Christmases, birthdays, Halloween, all sorts of
memories.

The one picture that was the
most important to me was the one by the stairs that was of me and
Marcus, Gray and Hannah. We all were little children, practically
babies, and we were all piled on the sofa looking at the camera
with big cheesy grins. Not a care in the world. We were happy, and
I think we were because nothing truly
matters when you’re that young.

“
That was a good
one,” my dad
said, coming up to stand next
to me.

“
Yeah, it was,” I said, smiling at
him.

He pulled me to him for a big hug,
not letting go. I was already feeling rather emotional.

“
I’m glad you’re home,” he said,
letting go of me finally.

“
I’m glad too,” I said
back.

We stared at each other for
what seemed like minutes, not saying anything. I looked at my
dad
and his grin, his very faint wrinkles
and his brilliant bright eyes. That was one thing about him
which
never went away was his eyes, they
were so alive. And he gave those to Marcus as
well.

“
You look good, Eve,“ he broke
into my thoughts.

“
Thanks, you do too.”

“
How is everything going?” he said
going into the living room. I followed behind him.

“
As good as it could be,” I
shrugged.

“
Is that good enough for you?” He
raised his eyebrow.

“
There are things in life you
can’t change or fix,” I said.

“
Like Marcus and
Vanessa?”

“
Yeah, besides that, I’m doing
really good, Dad,” I said, looking at him his gaze going away from
me.

“
I sit here sometimes and wish
things were different. Wish with everything I have in me that we
didn’t lose Marcus. I’ve never wanted something so much.” He looked
horribly heartbroken.

“
I know you do,” I
said.

“
But you come to realize that
everything happens for a reason, and even if you don’t get it,
there’s meaning behind it all.” He sighed.

“
What do you think the meaning
behind it was?” I asked, curious.

My dad
never talked openly about losing Marcus,
ever.

“
I think he helped your mom and I
realize what was important, because back then, it was all about
work and everything but family. And when he was gone, that brought
us back to reality,” he said, nodding his head.

“
I guess you could think of it
that way,” I said, looking away as my eyes welled with
tears.

“
Yeah, it helps. Your mom, I don’t
think, will ever see it any way other than she was robbed of her
son.”

“
Sometimes I think it was her
fault for making him work there,” I said, feeling surprised that I
had even said that out loud.

“
Me too,” Gray said, walking in
the living room and sitting next to me.

I was shocked to see him, and even
more shocked to hear him agree with me.

“
Your mom was trying to get him on
a good path. She didn’t think he had any kind of goals,” my dad
tried explaining, the look on his face didn’t look as if he
believed what he was saying.

“
I think if she worried less about
what he was going to become he wouldn’t be dead,” Gray said. He
stared at my dad, waiting for a reply.

“
Let’s not be so
hard on your mom,” my dad
said, putting
his hand up as if to say stop.

“
It’s true. She is the same way
with Eve. And I’m not saying I don’t agree all the time, but one
thing about Eve, she is almost the same as Marcus is. Or was,” Gray
said, shrugging.

“
Gray, I
understand you feel bad about losing him. We all do, but holding
anger towards your mother isn’t the right thing to do either,” my
dad
said, looking a little
annoyed.

“
Dad’s right, what’s done is done.
We got to just move on,” I said, trying to stop a blow
up.

“
Yeah, but it’s hard to let go of
him. It wasn’t that long ago he was here hanging out with all of
us. Talking about all the crazy things he planned on doing. I miss
him,” Gray said, breaking down.

My dad and I both looked at
each other in shock. Gray was never one to cry, and never in front
of us. He had his head in his hands sobbing like a little
child,
not like the man he was. I didn’t
know what to do. My dad
got up, coming
over to Gray and kneeling down wrapping his arms around
him.

“
Gray, he’s in
your heart. He will always be with you. I know it’s tough, we all
miss Marcus very much,” my dad
said too,
him hugging him tight. His eyes were teary as
well.

“
I think he is okay. I mean, I
think he’s in a better place. And he’s happy,” I said.

Gray looked at me.

“
Why would you say that?” he
asked.

“
That’s how I feel. I think he is
okay,” I said again, trying to will him to believe me.

“
I hope he is too, Eve.” He pulled
me in, hugging me. “I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been the kind of
brother he was. I’m sorry that I never could be like him. In a way,
I was afraid to try.”

I held on to Gray keeping my head
on his shoulder, feeling something that I hadn’t felt since Marcus
was around. It was nice.

“
I was afraid to try because I
didn’t think I could be as good at it as Marcus was. You and him
were so close. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn’t
care about you. Maybe that’s why you ran off with this
guy.”

I pulled away, feeling a little
annoyed now. “I’m not with him because I need a brother,” I
said.

“
I’m not saying that, but I
thought maybe he just made you feel safe and cared for,” Gray
explained.

“
I’m with him because he is a
great person. He treats me amazing and we get along so well. He’s
everything I want,” I told Gray.

He nodded. “I hope so. I hope he
takes care of you,” he said, for once a look of true concern on his
face.

“
Although I am
capable of taking care of myself, I will say that he does take care
of me,” I said as my dad
and Gray both
stared at me with looks of amusement on their
faces.

“
So when you
going to explain this giant rock that sits upon your finger?” my
dad
said with a chuckle.

Gray nodded, grabbing my hand to
look it over. I was in amazement at how well this was all
going.

“
It’s not anything that is
happening anytime soon. He asked me at his father’s house. And I
said yes. We haven’t set a date or anything like that,” I
explained, staring down at the ridiculously large pink diamond on
my finger.

“
Well, I can see
he cares about you,” my dad
said, getting
up.

There was two down, I thought to
myself. Gray was still sitting beside me.

I sighed, not knowing what to do
with him when he was nice. It was hard to try being sarcastic or
poking fun at him anymore.

“
So, how has mom been?” I
asked.

“
Same as always,” he
said.

“
Do you think she will talk to
me?” I asked, knowing this was going to be the hardest part of the
whole visit.

“
I’m not sure how that will go.
How are you doing with the whole Vanessa thing? Are you going to
the funeral?”

Her name was enough to send a sick
achy feeling into my whole body. I tried to push it away, but
moments like these were going to keep that from being the
case.

“
I can’t go. And I know that
sounds horrible probably, but I just can’t do it. I loved her to
death, and it’s just time to let go,” I said, tears welling
up.