Winter Blues (11 page)

16

Darlene

Waking up in a bed other than my own is an altogether new low. At least it was unintentional, unlike th
e copious rounds of sex I enjoyed. My plan was to leave as soon as we were done, but my stamina isn’t what it used to be and so I fell asleep. I woke up, snared in the confines of a pair of huge arms around my torso. Now I’m stuck in this foreign bed when all I want to do is leave and pretend that it didn’t happen.

For a little while at least.

The arms around me tighten briefly before soft kisses fall against my neck. “Good fucking morning,” Blue says, nudging his ever present arousal into my back.

“
How sweet,” I sigh. He chuckles and I feel his laughter in his hard chest. He spins me, pinning me down with his weight, while he spreads my legs with his knees.

“I like waking up
next to you,” he soothes as he trails kisses down my neck. I’m not feeling it. Not in the cold light of day when my ability to sugar-coat what we are doing has yet to wake up.

“It
sure is...different.”

Blue
’s wandering mouth comes to a halt just before it meets my breast. “Are you okay?”

I nod quickly, overcompensating for my obvious lie. “I just really want to shower.”

And to go home.
I want to go home
.

“Okay,
no problem. You want to...share?”

I smile nervously. “Simmer down, Duracell, give a girl a chance to recover.”

He laughs boyishly and I thaw a little. “Okay, Pilgrim. Tonight?” I nod and he’s mollified. After the quickest shower possible I decline breakfast and race home where I sink into a scalding hot bath and exfoliate off a layer of skin.

By nightfall, my guilt has done an about turn and I am ready for whatever this evening has in store. I’m performing tonight and I plan on using every contradictory, messy emotion that I have and burning it off through my music. It is exactly what I need and I have never looked forward to a gig more.

As I enter the packed out bar I hand over my coat to Nile, who whistles appreciatively at my black skirt and sheer, white, boho blouse combo. I should be offended by his reaction but his intense
femininity cancels out any crudity. I pass by Veda who hands me a Corona which I intend on taking to the stage, and by Nina who tosses me a scowl which I immediately discard.
What’s her problem?
When she looks to Blue her problem is suddenly obvious. She wants him.

Blue picks me out as he talks to Zach and his friends at their usual table. His eyes brazenly scour my body and in response I feel incredibly sexy. This man, who is wanted by so many women, is checking me out, more than checking me out, he’s picturing me naked because he knows every single curve of
my body.

Stepping away
from his group without apologizing, he stalks over to me, a predatory look in his eyes. “Come with me,” he orders, removing my guitar off my back before replacing it with his guiding hand. We walk behind the bar and through the door that leads to his apartment.

“Blue, we can’t. I’m due on stage soon,” I say as he closes the door and pushes me gently against the corridor wall.

“I just want a kiss to tide me over. You look fucking amazing, girl. Every man in here is going to be imagining doing all kinds of things to you tonight and I’m the one who gets to act them out. Do you know how hot that is, baby?”

I ignore how wrong his assumption should be and concentrate on how empowered it leaves me. “I know exactly how you feel.”

Resting his head against mine, he lets out a weighted sigh. “You couldn’t possibly.” I don’t understand his words and I don’t try to. Instead, I take his sharp jaw in my hands and guide his lips to mine. They’re as magical as ever, with the added taste of tobacco. After coaxing us both into a panting mess I pull apart.

“You’ve been smoking?

Nodding sheepishly, he whispers, “Don’t worry about it.” I will though. What does he have to be stressed about now that he has gotten what he wants? “Reid’s back tomorrow, right?” I nod, weakly. “So, this is the last night you’ll be able to stay at mine? For a while at least?” I nod again. I don’t tell him that I don’t like staying the night away from home. I can’t, not when he looks as disappointed as he does.

I don’t have
a chance to discuss the situation any further. He kisses my forehead before he opens the door and gestures for me to go through it. He doesn’t touch me as we make our way around to the other side of the bar and I appreciate his subtly. He hands me my Corona and takes a seat beside me. I have a few minutes before I’m due on stage and so I take this time to chat with Veda. I notice Blue talking to Nina, but it’s not until I hear the words, “total babe” coming from his lips that I pay attention.

“Who’s a babe?” I ask, unable to curtail my curiosity.

Blue doesn’t even look guilty as he answers. “Nina. She got approached by some model scout but she doesn’t think she’s hot enough. Pah! She’s hot enough, right?”

A bitter taste forms on my tongue and I’m completely uncomfortable with the jealousy that it stems from. I have no right or reason to feel jealous. He is a free person and I am not. The jealousy should be on his side, if any.

“Of course she is.” I eye her, knowingly. I know exactly what game she is playing with him and he’s falling for it. Fine, he can fall for it as hard as he wants. It’s not my problem. “Just make sure he’s legit. There are a lot of scammers out there who just want to get you alone with a camera and shoot you with your tits out.” I look down at her obscenely low cut shirt. “The rest of your tits out.” Turning to a shocked Blue, I gesture for my guitar that still sits on his back. He removes it but carries it as I walk to the stage.

“Are you flirting with her?” I ask before I take to the steps.

“What?”

“Are you flirting with her?” I repeat.

“Baby, I don’t think you’re in any position to be jealous.” His words are harsh but true and his eyes are a little intense.

“I’m not jealous, I’m competitive. Do you think she’s hot?” He looks embarrassed at my front. “Hotter than me?”

Shrugging his shoulders, he concedes, “She’s an obvious kind of hot, you’re...sweet.”

He’s being purposely blasé. Whatever he’s trying to say without saying is getting me riled up. How can he flit from warm to cold so quickly? He acts like he wants me and then it’s like he’s trying to upset me. What have I done to deserve that from him?

“That’s bullshit. I can be an obvious kind of hot.” With that I walk onto the stage with an aggressive confidence.

I take a seat, crossing
my legs so that my skirt hitches up and a little too much of my thigh shows. Feeling confident, I loosen the band in my hair and shake out my curls, allowing them to fall over my shoulder. I don’t even recognize this attitude in me. I have always been more than enough for Reid and so I have never felt the need to be found attractive by anyone else. Should I attribute this craziness to the strange emotions I feel with Blue? Who knows, maybe I’ll dissect my actions later but right now I’m going to work hard at turning Blue back on to me.

Allowing my voice to filter much more huskily through the microphone than normal, I begin, “Good evening, boys and girls. Thank you for another hefty attendance. Let’s get ya’ll in the mood from the start. Enjoy.”

Channeling my inner Norah Jones, I begin strumming softly to
Turn Me On
.

17

Reid

I manage to find a space to park a few doors down from
The Nest
. In my excitement to see Darlene I have come straight from the airport. I’ve removed my tie and loosened my collar but apart from that I am still in my grey suit and black shirt. I hope I don’t stand out too much in there. From what Darlene describes of it everyone is pretty relaxed and casual.

The music blares loudly down the street and my pride echoes back when I hear that it is my wife’s voice. I notice my shadow stretching out before me and when I turn and look I smile at the subtle sunset. I haven’t noticed it in a very long time.

I rush to get inside but I’m met with resistance from a heavy crowd. The lights are down low, but a powerful glow is cast on the stage, guiding me to her. I manage to slip through a gap close to the wall but I can’t make it any closer than thirty feet or so. It wouldn’t matter though. Her beloved audience is in complete darkness.

She’s breathtaking, and the lone light only adds to her angelic appeal. Her eyes big and blue like a child, but her wicke
d smile is anything but sweet. I wish I was wearing my glasses to study her beauty more clearly.

She’s singing a Norah Jones song that I’ve heard her sing a few times before. It’s unbelievably sexy and when she softens her country twang and adopts her husky tone it’s even sexier. I long for her to look at me so I can imagine it as a private performance like she has done so many times before. I’ve missed her so much and I can’t imagine a better reunion than having her seduce me through song.

But, she isn’t looking at me. In fact, she isn’t looking at anyone in the audience. Her eyes are cast toward the bar, and when I turn and look, I see Blue smiling back at her. His smile is knowing and smug.

What the hell?

My eyes flicker between Darlene and Blue and the more I look, the more I see. The more I see, the more my stomach twists. There is something passing between them that makes me feel like a voyeur. The heat between them is palpable even over the darkness of the crowd.

What is she doing? She has never resorted to eye-fucking the crowd to get them going before
; she’s never needed to. And yet, here she is, giving her everything to this asshole.

I look away and look back, hoping to find that I have imagined the whole exchange, but still they stare. Her eyes are heavy as she peeks up through her long eyelashes and she’s swaying in perfect rhythm to the sultry chords. He’s loving every second of it. He’s coveting her how I have coveted her for seven years,
mentally undressing her. Is he having to imagine her naked body or does he already know?

Fuck!

I’m going to be sick.

The crowd feels like it’s closing in on me when in actual fact nobody has moved. I’m deliriou
sly hot and yet there are goosebumps littered over my entire body. I can’t watch anymore.

I push through the crowd and push out the door, racing down
the snow-covered street and almost slipping several times in my haste to get to the sanctuary of my car.

It is no sanctuary.

The confined space only adds to my discomfort. I need to be out, I need to hit something, do something. I need to confront them, call them out on their inappropriateness. I pray to God that that’s as far as it’s gotten, but deep in my understanding of Darlene I know she wouldn’t throw them fuck-me eyes at just anyone.
Shit
.

My head comes to rest on the steering wheel as I fight against the urge to destroy the interior of my car. It’s not the car
’s fault. It’s that prick, Blue’s, goddamn fault.

Breathe, breathe
.

I’m an adult with the ability to control my temper enough to grasp the facts, and so far the facts are not completely conclusive.

I need evidence.

And then what?

No, first things first.

Evidence.

Hours pass as I imagine every possible scenario. I imagine what could have transpired between them and what that would mean for us. I imagine that I have imagined it all and that Darlene is going to throw herself into my arms the moment she’s aware of my return. I don’t know which idea is more ludicrous.

The flow of people leaving has steadily increased until there can’t be any more people left. I haven’t heard any music for quite some time. Darlene has to be ready to leave now. Unless she is about to prove
right everything I have suspected since I saw her on that stage.

Several minutes later the lights are cut at
The Nest
and Darlene has yet to appear.

Darlene

I’m panting on the stairs that lead to Blue’s apartment, having only made it this far before he rid me of my clothes and took me. Blue is drifting down from his release while mine slips through my fingers. I grind against him hoping for some friction to finish me off, but he’s spent. I sag in defeat as he pulls out of me and buries his head in my chest. 

“I’m so sorry. I’ve wanted to be deep inside you since you went all Norah on me and everything since then has been like fucking foreplay,” he says, panting sporadically between his words.

“Don’t apologize, it’s fine, really.”

He rises a little off of me, looking down into my eyes with a promise that I don’t particularly need. “It’s not fine. Nobody is going to say that I’m a selfish lover.” He makes a move as if to lift me from the stairs but I hold out a hand in protest at the shock of his statement.

“We aren’t lovers,” I explain, my tone laced with nerves.

“Then what are we?”

I shrug, not having the vocabulary or the heart to tell him exactly what we are. Blue lifts off of me, standing at the bottom of the stairs completely naked from the waist down but with his shirt on, barely ruffled. I can’t help but think how that alone sums up exactly what we are.

“I think I deserve an answer. What is this? Are we fucking? It didn’t feel like fucking when you were curled up in my arms last night.”

“Don’t make me explain what we are. We don’t need to have that conversation.”

As if I have physically pained him he slips down the wall behind him until he meets the floor. His hand runs down his face as if he can’t quite believe my answer.

I can’t quite believe his response.

He knows exactly what this is so why is he pretending to feel anything but ecstatic. He gets the best bits of me without all of the crap that my husband has to put up with.

“We’re fucking,” he whispers, to himself more than me, I think.

“We’re having sex. Amazing sex, and I’d like to keep having it. Is that too
much to ask?” I step over to him, hovering above him before sinking slowly onto his constant erection. He gasps and stills my hips with his giant hands.

“But that’s all we are?”

“That’s all we need to be. And that’s all I can ever offer.”

“We’ll see.”

I’m about to clarify further when he starts to move me in a painfully teasing rhythm. I’m unable to say anything more than expletives while Blue proves just how unselfish he really is.