Winter In August (11 page)

“Your mom thought you hated her and you would not forgive her for this.”

I stared at the face of the woman responsible for taking my mom from me. I wanted to hate her and feel sorry for her at the same time.

“Come on, Annie. I’m as opened minded as the next person. I’ve not been with a woman and that’s not my thing, but I’m not one to judge anyone for who they love, especially my mother.”

“She didn’t know that, Gabriella. She thought you would be so mad at her for abandoning you.

I wiped my eyes. “Why didn’t she try?”

“I don’t know. That’s something you’re going to have to ask her.”

“Ask her? How would you suggest I do that? She hasn’t contacted me since she walked out when I was eight years old. Oh wait, she contacted me once in the nineteen years she was gone. One time she wrote me a note to tell me she would keep in touch.” Annie sat silent, looking away from me.

“That letter was from me. I wrote that letter to you.” My head jerked to attention.

“What do you mean, you wrote it?” I was stunned. I had kept that letter in my nightstand and would read it every night for years.

“I felt horrible about what she did and I decided to write you a letter pretending to be her. I didn’t even think you would receive it. I wanted to ease my guilt and give you some peace.”

More lies and empty promises. What more could my heart endure? My mother didn’t even write that. I held on to the hope she would keep to her word and come back to check on me. I sat there stunned.

The small lime green kitchen became silent with the sound of the shore lapping behind us. The lemon cake was left uneaten on the china plates as the coffee in our cups became cold. I had so much to ask her. I had so much to say. Clearly, Annie was devastated, but so was I and my father when my mom left us. How would I tell my dad this? Should I tell him? Did he already know? He had to have known. My head was reeling with what ifs. Shit. I shouldn’t have come here, but while I was here I needed to find out as much as I could. I decided to stay a while and get some more information from this woman that knew more about my mom than I did.

Annie lit another cigarette and offered one to me. I shook my head no.

“Do you have any whiskey?”

She stood shaking her finger at me. “I do as a matter of fact. Whiskey was all your mom wanted. I have bottles of all different brands. I haven’t been able to throw them away.” Annie stood and left her cigarette burning in the ashtray.

“How do you want it?” she asked me as she opened a cupboard full of all types of whiskey. Annie turned around to glance at me.

“Let me guess, straight? That’s how she drank hers.”

“Yes, that’s how I like mine.” There was so much to ask and not enough time to get to everything. Annie handed me the whiskey in a glass, the bottle, and sat back across from me.

“Where is she now?” I asked, taking a huge gulp, my voice weak and shaky from crying.

“With a man. She left me for a man who promised her the moon. Your mom loved expensive things and money. I couldn’t give her material things. All I could give her was love, and it’s not enough for Danni. He was a good looking older man with tons of money and he wanted your mom. She agreed to go with him, and I haven’t seen her since. No phone call, no letter, nothing. She packed one day while I wasn’t home and left.” Sounded familiar.

“How do you know where she’s at?” I asked. I poured another small amount in the glass and drank down the amber liquid.

“The man she’s with stopped in here one weekend and told me she was fine. He said they were trying to make their relationship work, and he offered me money to not contact her. I didn’t want his money, but I had no intentions of contacting her. If she left me, she could stay away. I wasn’t going to beg her to come back to me.”

“Is she still with this guy?”

“As far as I know. I’m not sure. Knowing your mom, she could have left him. I haven’t tried to find out. I had to move on. I know all these pictures of her doesn’t resemble someone moving on, but I can’t put them away yet. I know she isn’t coming back to me but I like to have the memories of her around me. I won’t love anyone like I loved her.” Tears trailed down her tanned face and she wiped them away with the back of her hand.

My eyes diverted to the window. The sky was darkening outside with an impending storm on the horizon. I stood and walked around the bright little kitchen. The towels hung on the same rooster hook, there as always a candle burning on the stove, and the kitchen window had the same stained glass sun catcher hanging off the hook.

“I need to get some air.”

Annie smiled at me and lit another cigarette.

I went out through the back door leaving Annie to sit there in her sadness. Feeling sorry for her was difficult when she was why I didn’t have my mom. She should feel the hurt of missing her. I had missed her for nearly twenty years.

The beach was deserted and I sat in the sand. The wind was picking up and I watched the sky flash with the storm approaching. I thought about my mom and all the pain she caused leaving people behind. She must be heartless. Was I like her? Why did I keep pushing people away? I was using men like she used people. She became tired of someone and walked away. I was doing the same thing. I had to stop. I wouldn’t allow myself to be like her.

Why would a mother abandon her daughter? We were so close. I was with her all the time and I was worthy of eight years. Eight years was all she gave me. How could she turn off her love for someone that was part of her? I came out here with her and I knew Annie. I would’ve accepted her and the lifestyle she chose. I don’t buy the bullshit she didn’t want to take me from my father. She didn’t want me. She wanted to be free of me. Why else would she not contact me in nineteen years, if she cared? I wrapped my arms around myself to warm up. I became colder now, shivering from the inside.

A few minutes later Annie came out and sat silently next to me in the sand. “I’m sorry this happened to you,” I said without looking at her.

Annie shrugged her shoulders and took a long drag off her cigarette.

“And I’m sorry it happened to you. I’m sorry I lied to your father when he came here. I should have told him. You lost a mother. I’m lucky in a way, Gabriella. I found the love of my life. I had her for a little while, yet the time I had with her was unforgettable. I loved her like I’ve never loved anyone, nor will I ever love anyone like her.”

“So did my dad. Not only did she leave her daughter, but she left her husband. My dad drank for years after she walked out on us. My life was far from easy,” I said.

“What she did to both of you was wrong, I’ll admit that. I’m so sorry. If I could change what happened, I would. Though, I won’t admit loving her was wrong. That I can’t change. Yes, I should’ve been tougher with her. She had a roving eye and I was so afraid she would leave me. I told her she had to make contact with you both and she ignored me, that’s why I wrote the letter to you. That was the biggest issue we fought about.” I didn’t say anything and Annie continued.

“I have her address where she apparently lives, if you want to know, Gabriella.”

I shook my head no. “No, I don’t want her address, Annie. She had my address for close to twenty years and didn’t bother to contact me. Possibly someday, but not now.”

* * * * *

I settled into my cottage for the night. I was restless and out of sorts. I bawled, yelled, and paced the floor to make sense of my life. I was freezing and went to get an extra blanket out of the closet. Though the month was August and humid, I was so cold and couldn’t get warm. I couldn’t shut my mind off of the conversation I’d had with Annie. My mom’s sexuality never crossed my mind. Hell, I don’t care what anyone is. People are people and none of the same sex bullshit ever mattered to me. I would have loved her no matter what.

Like the news about Kris, I wondered if my dad knew about this? I wanted to call him, but the cottage didn’t have phone service, so making calls would have to wait until I was back on the road. All these years and he thought she left because of him. All the years I thought I did something wrong. Why didn’t she tell us? I would have understood. You can't stop what your heart feels.

Maybe that’s what Kris felt. He may have truly loved Hilary, but he couldn’t tell me. He wanted her and didn’t want to hurt me. People do crazy things for love. That’s why I was going to avoid ever falling in love at all cost.

Sleep overtook me. The next day the sun streamed through the windows welcoming me to a new day. I had to get home and stop running. What happened with Kris was raw and hurtful and cut through me. I had to grab a hold of myself and not let the sadness take me to a dark place again. I had to stop wondering where my mom was or what happened to her. I had closure now, knowing why she left. My mom leaving wasn’t because of me or my dad, and I felt some relief over that. I walked to the cottage and said goodbye to Annie, promised to be by again, and took her cell number in case I wanted to talk to her. I told her I didn’t blame her for anything. My mom was an adult and she knew what she was doing.

Once I made my way home, the stillness of my house enveloped me as I walked in the front door. I was relieved to be back home. The Brownstone was my home now, and I was so at ease walking inside.

I stripped off my clothes, walked to my bathroom, and turned on the shower to super-hot. The hot water relaxed me, and I let go of the past few days. I closed my eyes and let the warmth and scent of my soap ease me back to my life. I went over what happened at the cemetery and replayed the scene in my mind. I could see Hilary crying and the kid running around like a maniac. In a way, I was relieved I hadn’t married Kris and stayed in Ohio. I loved my life I made for myself in New York City, and if I had married Kris, it might have been me standing there as a single mother.

I dried off, threw on my t-shirt and boxers, and headed to my bed. I needed to sleep. I fell into a restless sleep after talking to my dad for a short time and thinking about my mom and Annie. I tossed and turned and couldn’t get comfortable. The last two days wouldn’t shut off in my head. I considered using my vibrator to help me relax. A good release was what I needed. Around two in the morning my Facetime rang. I answered my phone thinking the call was Harper at such a late hour. I didn’t notice the number before answering.

“Harper?” I asked, in a half-awake voice before I looked at the screen of my phone.

“Gabby?”

“Who is this?” I tried to focus, but I wasn’t completely awake.

“Colt Andrews. I’m making sure you made it back okay.”

“Oh, you did? That’s right, I said I was going to text you,” I yawned.

“Yes, you did. I couldn’t sleep.”

I hesitated. He looked gorgeous lying against white pillows, sleepy with messy hair. His room was dark except for his phone casting a dim light on him.

“I can’t either.”

“Gabby, I want to see you. Fuck, you’re beautiful, even on this phone and no one looks good on this.”

I laughed, nervously. I wanted to run to the bathroom and comb my hair, put on some lip gloss.

“Tell me about your trip to Ohio.”

“It’s too long of a story. Listen, I’m not feeling this so if you’re looking for a serious relationship, I can’t give it to you. I honestly have too many issues right now I’m working on.”

“Yes, you are. You’re feeling it. That’s the problem. You’re immersed in the thought of what I could do to you. You called me the other night because you’re feeling it. Why fight what so obvious?”

“I’m not fighting anything,” I lied.

“Gabby, I’m a businessman. I always get what I want. I know when something is going to happen. You’re going to happen. The two of us spending some time together is going to happen. Me being inside you, and making you beg to come, is going to happen.” I noticed he smiled.

“Wow, you are one confident man aren’t you?”

“I’m touching myself listening to your voice. Your voice is dripping with a hunger for me, Gabby. We’re both attracted to each other.”

“Boy, you are full of yourself, Mr. Andrews. Do you think every woman wants you, or is this your line of BS you have scripted?”

“No, I told you I’m not into one night stands. There is something about you I can’t stop thinking about. I want you, and I will have you repeatedly.”

I was fully awake, and getting turned on by his brashness. His hand was moving under his blankets and I could tell he was touching himself.

“What’s going on here? Do you want to have Facetime sex, Mr. Andrews? Isn’t phone sex overrated and tacky?” I smiled. The last time I tried any type of phone sex, I made a total fool of myself by falling out of the bed.

“I want to hear your voice and watch you when I make you come. I want to hear you moan when you lose control and see how your body reacts. My hand is on my cock. I’m thinking how soft your skin was, how sweet your lips tasted.”

“Are you sure you have the right person? All we did was kiss, Colt and it was a week ago.”

“You are beautiful, and your lips were so warm and soft. And that color you were wearing, looked like wine. I bet your pussy is as warm and soft. I loved how you swung your ponytail around when you were mad at me and stormed out the door. You’re a firecracker, and you intrigued me. I smell your perfume on my coat.”