Winter Longing (9 page)

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Authors: Tricia Mills

Tags: #Juvenile Fiction, #Love & Romance

BOOK: Winter Longing

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“The day before the crash?”

I nodded. “It was a good-luck cake.” The cruel irony squeezed my heart, causing me to wince.

Jesse pitched a final dart at the board. “Life sucks sometimes,” he said.

Anberlin’s “Last First Kiss” started to play, and it was the final straw of the evening.

“I think I’ll take you up on your offer.” I stood. “Thanks.”

Our eyes met. His still didn’t reflect pity, but an understanding and the odd sensation that he was hiding something shone in those dark-chocolate depths.

He nodded. “See you tomorrow.”

His words seemed to mean more than “I’ll see you randomly in the hallway,” but I pushed the thought from my mind.

I hurried out the door, leaving Jesse to explain my departure. The night was chilly, a definite sign that Labor Day had come and gone. A bright moon lit the cloudless sky, illuminating the night.

Once outside I slowed, not in any hurry to close myself up in my room, since there was no one home. I was as alone out here as I’d be inside.

I looked at the distant mountains, their peaks reflecting the moon’s rays. I’d never be able to look at them again without thinking of Spencer. “I miss you,” I whispered as a slight breeze brushed past me, carrying my words toward the mountains.

I sat at the wedding reception for our guidance counselor, the new Mrs. Schuler. “Here you go,” Spencer said as he handed me a paper saucer laden with cake, then a napkin imprinted with the Schulers’ names, the date of the wedding, and a Bible verse.

I read the verse:

“I found the one my heart loves.

—Song of Solomon 3:4”

I couldn’t help glancing up at Spencer and feeling the words of the verse reaching out toward him, wondering if he’d read it before handing me the napkin. When he caught my gaze and smiled, I imagined he could read my mind and liked what he saw there.

CHAPTER 10

Dragging
myself out of bed for school on Tuesday proved no easier than it had been on Monday. I’d sat outside last night for a long time, imagining that Spencer was still with me, holding me close as we watched the stars overhead in the massive, cloudless, Alaskan sky. By the time I heard my parents leaving the Kerrs’, I sighed and trudged inside, wishing I could stay in my imaginary world rather than the real one.

Unable to sleep, I’d gone downstairs to Dad’s home office and stayed up late, catching up on homework. It was more for distraction than anything else, and now I was paying the price.

My classmates still gave me the same pitiful looks this morning, but those expressions didn’t stop me as they had yesterday, because this time, I expected them. When I opened my locker, I glanced at Spencer’s smiling face and pressed my lips together as I felt the familiar pang in my chest. God, I missed him so much. When Lindsay hadn’t called last night, I’d caught myself reaching for the phone to call Spencer.

Remembering he was gone had shredded me all over again.

I hung out at my locker for a couple of minutes, hoping to see Lindsay, but she wasn’t among any of the faces milling around me. With a heavy heart, I dragged myself toward first period. When I passed the library, I noticed her sitting at a table next to the windows. I considered leaving her alone—letting her come to me when she was ready—but I wanted to get back to the way we were before as quickly as possible. I missed sharing all my feelings and thoughts with her.

She glanced up as I approached her table, and a contrite look crossed her face.

“Work late last night?” I asked.

“Till closing. By the time I rode home, I was too tired to do anything but go to bed.”

I slid into the chair opposite her. “You rode your bike home that late?”

She didn’t really have to worry about being attacked by a human in Tundra, but a moose was a different story.

“Car’s not running,” she said without looking up from her notebook.

She sounded so distant, like she hadn’t shared long-held secrets with me just the afternoon before. I wondered if she was regretting that, but I didn’t have the courage to ask. I was afraid she’d say yes.

I searched for something to say and considered telling her about how Jesse was acting around me, but I held it in. A new weight of sorrow settled on my shoulders, this time for the chasm that had opened between Linds and me. I hoped time would heal it, because I didn’t know how.

“Okay, I’ll let you get back to work. See you in class.”

She nodded but didn’t make eye contact.

Throughout the morning, I tried to think of ways to mend our friendship. Eventually, it exhausted me and I let my mind wander. The fatigue finally won during English class, and I felt myself drifting off to sleep. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Spencer sitting in his chair. He was alive!

I gasped, shaking myself from my trance. When I turned my head, Spencer’s chair sat as empty and forlorn as it’d been the day before. And all my classmates were staring at me like I’d suddenly started speaking in Latin. When I met their gazes, most looked quickly away.

My heart hammered and my body shook as I lowered my eyes to the top of my desk. Thank goodness Mrs. Miller hadn’t drawn extra attention to my embarrassing display. I stared at my textbook and tried to concentrate on the lecture.

At the end of class, I didn’t meet anyone’s eyes—not even Mrs. Miller’s—because I was afraid she’d stop me and ask questions I didn’t want to answer.

“Winter? ”

I thought about pretending I didn’t hear Jesse calling to me as I headed up the hall, but that would probably just draw more attention. I edged out of the flow of traffic and pasted on an everything’s-fine face. “Yeah?”

“You okay?” He wore his concerned look again. His continued attention felt odd, especially when he’d barely noticed me before.

“Fine!” But I said it too cheerily, a sure sign I was anything but fine.

“What happened in there?”

I waved my hand like it was no big deal. “I didn’t get much sleep last night, so I fell asleep in class. I guess I must have been dreaming or something.”

He knew I was lying. I could tell by the look in his eyes.

“Okay.” Someone bumped into him, causing him to step closer to me.

Instinctively, I put my hand up, and it ended up pressed against his chest. A long moment passed as our eyes met and heat flooded my face. I jerked my hand away from where it rested above his heart and barely suppressed the urge to run. Before I could flee, however, he wrapped his fingers gently around my upper arm.

“Talk to Lindsay, your mom, Mrs. Schuler. Someone.” He released my arm and stepped back, giving me room to breathe.

And allowing me to meet the piercing, crackling gaze of Patrice Murray.

Spencer stared at my Halloween costume, a frothy concoction inspired by Kirsten Dunst as Marie Antoinette that had taken me five months to complete.

“Well, what do you think?”

“It’s nice.”

I placed my hands on my hips. “If you were any less enthusiastic, you might actually be snoring.”

He turned and looked at Patrice Murray’s skintight, red she-devil costume.

“I am so not wearing something like that,” I said. “I’d look like a hooker.” So what if mine was a little conservative, even for me.

Spencer met my eyes. “No, you’d look beautiful.”

CHAPTER 11

After
school, I made like a coward and hid in the restroom until most of the din of freed students faded. I stayed like that even after the quiet settled, trying to convince myself that Spencer’s death hadn’t irrevocably screwed up both my brain and my emotions.

Following several minutes of self-analysis, I realized I wasn’t going to figure anything out sitting in an empty girls’ restroom. But the time in there won me a solo walk along the path from the school—something I desperately needed.

By the time I approached the town square, however, I realized I couldn’t face the idea of going home. I considered sitting in the park for a while, or possibly doing homework at the tiny Tundra Library. As I entered the square, I glanced in the window of Oregano’s. Lindsay was behind the counter on the phone.

Hoping to avoid all the memories trapped in my room and hoping Linds and I could find a few minutes to patch things up some more, I stepped inside.

When Lindsay looked up and saw me, I thought maybe I’d made a mistake. I saw her expression grow more tired, her shoulders slump. But then she took a breath and gave me the hint of a smile and a small wave.

I exhaled with relief. With the loss of Spencer, I’d never been more aware of what Linds meant to me. I simply could not stand to lose my best girlfriend on the heels of losing the guy I’d given my heart to.

I took a moment to soothe my vibrating nerves. I intended to be there for Lindsay no matter how battered and empty I felt inside. I hoped I had the strength to deal with any lingering hostility she might harbor. I slid into a booth and pulled out my trig.

“You here to eat?” she asked, after finishing two orders.

I looked at her and propped my head on my upturned palm. “Don’t really want to go home. Plus, it smells good in here.” The smell of baking bread had always been a favorite of mine. Add the garlic, and if I closed my eyes, I could pretend I was in faraway Italy, perhaps designing costumes for some historic Roman epic.

The thought jerked me firmly back to the present. I couldn’t help the shame that washed over me. Here I was, thinking about my future, when Spencer would never have his.

Lindsay must have seen my sudden change in mood, because she slid a large Coke and a hot order of cheesy garlic bread sticks onto my table. She sat beside me and leaned her head on my shoulder. “Everyone keeps telling me it’ll get better someday.” She sounded as if she only half believed it.

“I can’t even imagine that day.”

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes, watching people walking around the square.

“What happened in English today?” Lindsay asked, startling me.

I considered lying to her the way I had with Jesse, but that really wasn’t the best way to repair our friendship. I swallowed against the dryness invading my throat. “I fell asleep, started dreaming. I thought I saw Spencer out of the corner of my eye, sitting in his seat. Linds, the strongest, purest joy I’ve ever felt shot through me.”

“Until you turned around and he wasn’t really there.”

I nodded, unable to verbalize the despair I’d then experienced.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Lindsay said, after a pause. “Can you catch the phone if it rings?”

“Sure.”

When she was gone, I took two more to-go orders and seated a trio of tourists.

When Lindsay returned to the front counter, her normally dark complexion looked pale.

“Are you okay?”

“Just need to eat something,” she said.

“You can’t keep skipping lunch.”

“I know,” she said a little testily, then caught herself. “I just need some time to settle into the new schedule, that’s all.”

She was holding something back again, but I didn’t want to push too hard.

As the evening wore on, the restaurant grew busier and busier.

“I don’t want you to ride home this late,” I said, while Linds finally helped Casey Stone, the restaurant’s owner, close three hours later. “Just stay at my house tonight.”

I thought she might refuse at first, but instead, she nodded. After she called her mom, we headed home.

Once we’d both finished the last of our homework, eaten a late-night snack of orange sherbet, and slipped into bed, I stared at the ceiling and listened to Lindsay’s breathing. I could tell, from its rhythm, that she was still awake.

“Do you have nightmares?” she asked.

I didn’t have to ask the kind she meant. “Every night. I wake up crying every single night.”

A few more seconds ticked by.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so harsh,” she said. “Guess I have more of the sperm donor’s genetics than I’d like to admit.”

I turned toward her. “Why do you say that?”

“I lash out at the people who mean the most to me.”

“It’s hard, Linds. Too hard.” I bit my lip as thoughts of Spencer—his laugh, his smile, his teasing—flooded me.

“Yeah.”

She was quiet for so long that my eyes drifted closed.

“You know, he was jealous when you and I became friends.”

My eyes popped back open. “Really? Why?”