Winter Sparrow (5 page)

“Mary, it’s the only photograph in your bedroom. You said you were packing up the stuff in there today.”

“Right. Look, when, when are you coming over tonight? I miss you.”

“Is it all right if I like being missed?” He must’ve been hoping that little comment would make her smile, but it didn’t.

“I suppose. Takeout? Seven?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “And don’t stress too much. It’s a beautiful day. I think it’d be a good idea for you to get out for awhile. Enjoy the sunshine. It’s been raining far too much lately. Seems the weather guy finally got something right. Get out for bit to get some fresh air. It’ll relieve any stress.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“I love you, you know.”

“Yeah,” she weakly said. The blood had dripped a little onto the carpet. She already lamented the scrubbing that would be required to get the red stain out so her landlady didn’t charge her upon vacating the apartment. The ornery old crow was the kind who didn’t miss a thing.

“I can’t believe we’re getting married in less than two months.”

“Yeah, it seemed so far before, but it really came quick.” Was it hitting her for the first time? Really hitting her? Mary decided to sit down on the bed. “You still sure you wanna marry a neurotic artist with issues?”

“You still sure you wanna marry a workaholic who claims he can fix up a broken-down mansion?” he commented back.

“Not sure,” she said, half smiling. “Maybe I should have my people call your people at the office and tell them the whole thing is off.”

She was glad he embraced her comment with a chuckle. She wasn’t sure what she’d do if he didn’t laugh to set her mind at ease. But deep down, it wasn’t a joke at all.

JOSHUA HUNG UP THE PHONE
and stared at his computer screen for a moment. Suddenly the design of a new skyscraper didn’t seem that important. Mary’s doubts were getting harder to battle, which was the reason he had extended his hours and had become selective at when they saw each other. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with her; it was that every time he got close, hearing the quiver in her voice or seeing the slant in her eye when she murmured that she loved him, intensified the sting.

As a boy, he’d envisioned his life a little differently. Making it through high school without getting into trouble. Going to college to be one of the world’s most esteemed architects. Graduating with a fiancée who would love him as much as he’d love her. But these snapshots never told the whole story, only glimpsed it in oddly arranged photographs. They never let him in on the fact that, though these things would come, they’d come in their own time. He’d gone to school—several schools, actually—but more in search of the right woman than the right degree program. Why? Why did it matter so much with whom he spent his life? Why did it become such a burden?

“Because we’re made to love,” his father had told him when he was young. “We are made to love.” Five words he still couldn’t fathom completely. It was in him to be this way, to throw his heart and soul into a person, even if that person didn’t know what to do with it. It wasn’t some kind of calculation; it was part of who he was. Transfer student looking for love. His roommates often snickered at his lofty ideals, at his always believing that his true romance could be found.

Joshua graduated. But the soul mate he had longed for since he could remember wasn’t there to see him get his diploma, to see that he could finish something and finish it strong.

Contemplative, Joshua leaned back in his chair and loosened his tie. Through the glass doors of his office, he saw his best friend, Matthew. The one who had invited him to the art gallery downtown one night after work. The one who introduced him to the love of his life.

“Better late than never, right?” Matthew whispered into his ear when they both noticed Mary’s slender figure from across the room. Her art was breathtaking, but it was more than her talent which attracted him to her, he knew. She was showing off one of her pieces from the collection to an elderly couple when he invented a reason to interrupt and ask her to dinner.

Matthew had always been a good friend. Joshua was grateful to have him as one of the few people from college with whom he remained in contact. Always the wing man. The decision to hire him as an executive had been an easy one to make.

“Better late than never,” Joshua said with a sigh. Perhaps that was the lens through which he had to view Mary. Several weeks came and went before she decided to finally open up to him for real. She agreed to his dinner date, but only because of his persistence that night and because her eyes couldn’t find a justifiable reason to escape his. She agreed to more dates because he continually found excuses to run into her on his walks home from the firm. The fact that her gallery sat just a few blocks away compelled him to drop by whenever possible. But even when he proposed, she hesitated. Why was there always this hesitation?

“Women are complicated creatures, man,” Matthew had said during a game of pool after Joshua had been seeing Mary for some time, but it wasn’t anything he didn’t already know. He didn’t want average, boring love. He craved intellect and a challenge.

No, Mary’s more than just some challenge
. Joshua scratched the corner of his mouth, wishing he’d never even thought that low of her. He was so sure of his love, sure that maybe she had started out as a beautiful challenge, but that she was now a lover he could not imagine being without.

A lover who just needed time to come around. Folding his arms, he prayed it was true.

THE DESIGNER REMOVED MARY’S VEIL
and asked her what she thought of the wedding dress.

“It’s…”
Just finish the sentence.
Why couldn’t she just finish the sentence? The dress was captivating, magical, everything she’d dreamed of and more. But the words were stuck behind her unflinching tongue.

The material made her waist appear more slender than she expected. She liked that about the gown. She had always been self-conscious when it came to her arms too, but even they looked seductive once slipped inside comfortable lace sleeves. This was a work of art, uniquely designed. The sleeves complemented the dress’s feathered bottom with grace. Thin straps held the top section of the dress and wrapped around the back of Mary’s neck. Normally, that spot was where much of the tension in her spine dwelled, but today she didn’t feel a thing.

Then tell the woman it looks like a dream, or have they not invented a pill for that yet?

“Well?” the designer asked again. “What do you think?”

What did she think? She wasn’t supposed to come here alone. The afternoon was intended to be a chance for her and Jamie to bond. They hadn’t hung out in weeks. But Little Sis canceled on her due to “husband” trouble, whatever that meant. It was curious that Jamie had managed to walk the aisle before Mary had even thought about it. But where was she now? At home, most likely rummaging through a myriad of bills in a crowded house with a teething two-year-old.

Is that what I have to look forward to?

She cared so deeply for Joshua. A love is what she’d call it, but was it that, really? Was someone like her even capable of pure love?

“It’s wonderful,” Mary finally said, blinking at her reflection.

“Does everything fit all right?” the designer asked, tape measure pinched between her jaws as she stood tautly across the room in order to get a more accurate view.

“It fits fine,” Mary said. She thought about her sister. She thought about the possible future she might be pressured to accept. Or worse, she thought about the end. Half of marriages succeeded and half didn’t make it to see their kids through high school. Pathetichow simply love could be boiled down to a statistic. A lifeline in some stupid game show no one even watched anymore.

“I really do love this dress,” she admitted, this time slightly more sure.

The designer now had the relief she had been looking for. “I can just picture it, the wedding of the year,” the woman said. “And with the right earrings and necklace, this dress will truly take his breath away.”

“I’m sure it will,” Mary replied, gently stroking her waist and tilting her head as she gazed into her reflection at the girl who had become a high school student, a college dropout, an artist, and a wife in a blink. It was never an age thing; it was a mind thing. For all her sister’s flaws, Jamie knew how to do one thing right: She knew how to make a choice.

“I was married once,” the designer said after Mary had changed out of the dress. “I once was
in love
. Treasure it, my dear. I lost the love of my life, and I can tell you truly to love whatcha got. Treasure it because that’s all life is about. That’s the real stuff.”

Mary caught her reflection one last time. She wouldn’t end up a widow like this broken artist. That wasn’t her. If she were to be a word, any word at all, she prayed it was
forever
. 

And then she pictured the mysterious man with a black hat standing in the middle of the road just glaring at her. She could still make out his piercing eyes.

A chill ran down her spine as Mary made a reservation to pick up the dress a few days before the wedding. She breathed a long, deep sigh. She was weary of all her doubts. She was tired of fighting them back. If they could just die, she might have peace.

Mary replaced the jumble in her head with thoughts of the wedding. When she stepped out of the store and into the warm sun, city traffic, and the confusion of every day, she smiled a full but still conflicted smile.

What if the widow was right, and life could be consumed by love? Perhaps it had the power to rapture her entire body.

The wedding was so close now. She hoped Joshua would think her as magical as she wanted to see herself. She hoped his love might endure beyond the worn-out statistics.

Mary waited until the traffic signs assured her it was safe to cross to the other side. Her apartment waited for her, no more than a few blocks down. With the breeze gently tossing her hair back, she no longer dreaded returning home to finish collecting her things. Like that wretched painting she’d packed away a few weeks earlier, her apartment was the past, and Joshua’s mansion had to be the future she needed more than she knew.

The air would be freer now. Her heart would become quiet.

Mary chewed her bottom lip. Maybe she didn’t have to go back to her place just yet. Maybe she’d surprise Joshua with a late lunch instead.