Winter’s Awakening (18 page)

“What are we going to do if he doesn’t come back?”

Gretta held out her arms and hugged her sister tight. “First, I doubt Daed left us for good. He’s probably just walking off his anger or some such.”

“But if he does leave us?”

“Then you’ll just have to be with me, always.”

“Even if you marry?”

Gently rubbing Margaret’s back, Gretta nodded. “Yes. Even if I marry, you’ll stay with me. If things don’t get better, I won’t leave you here alone.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” Gretta said, closing her eyes.

“How’s it coming, Joshua? Do you need help stacking the wood?”

Looking up from his task, he saw his
daed
standing about a hundred yards away, heavy leather work gloves in his hands. Obviously, he was prepared to cross the field and help stack wood if asked.

But Joshua was too old for that. “I don’t need help,” he called out. “It’s almost done.” For most of the afternoon, he’d been cutting wood and stacking it into the back of a wagon. Buster, their workhorse, was tied nearby and seemed to be enjoying his time in the field. Buster spent most days either penned in the barn or hitched to a wagon or plow.

Joshua figured he wasn’t minding the change in routine either. It was good to be out in the fresh air instead of inside the store.

His father had sent him home after hearing that a
fierce ice storm was on the way. Being always a man with an eye out for a dollar, he’d asked him to split enough logs for their home and to sell at the store. If the dire weather reports continued, the store would be busy with customers wanting to stock up on supplies.

Joshua spent the afternoon chopping and thinking and stacking. And though his pile of logs was growing, he still wasn’t sure how he was doing with Gretta.

She’d seemed happy enough to see him at the restaurant, he thought as he loaded another stack of wood into the back of the wagon. In fact, when they’d started talking about Maggie and Toby and Caleb, her smiles and comments were just like they’d used to be. Fresh and happy and interested.

But she hadn’t quite come out and said that she wasn’t interested in Roland Schrock.

With a grunt, Josh hefted the ax from his shoulder, swung down, and neatly split a log in half. Ever since he’d seen her go out for a drive in Roland’s buggy, he hadn’t been able to squelch the bit of unfamiliar jealousy that had ridden up inside of him.

Now he couldn’t stop wondering if her attentions had strayed. Especially since he’d been the one to say he’d needed a break. How in the world had things gotten so upside down? First he’d been tired of taking things for granted. Then he’d gotten his head turned by an English girl who was no more right for him than a brand new car.

And now Gretta was getting driven around by Roland and he was reduced to calling on her at work. And thinking about their relationship while chopping wood.

He now realized that his harsh treatment of her had bothered her more than he’d ever imagined. Things at her home weren’t like they were at his. His parents talked to each other and laughed and argued and then talked some more.

At her house, any disagreement ended in strained silence.

Groaning, he lifted the last of the logs in the back of the wagon, set the ax in there, too, then went to claim Buster.

Buster tossed his head in irritation at being pulled from the little thatch of winter grass he’d discovered under the thin layer of snow.

“I know it’s tasty, but we’ve got no choice,” Joshua said as he guided the large horse to the wagon and began hitching him up. “You have to work and so must I.”

When the horse blew out air in annoyance, Joshua found himself laughing. “You said it.”

He was just about to climb in the seat when he heard his name. “Joshua? Joshua! Wait for me!”

Turning, he saw his brother approach with enough scarves and layers on that he resembled a snowman. As Joshua watched, Anson carefully tromped through the field out to him, nimbly hopping over rocks and a broken tree branch or two.

“Anson, what are you doing?”

“I was playing over with Ty, but I had to come home to do my chores.”

“Are they done?”

“Um…not yet.”

“Daed won’t like that. Jim won’t either. He depends on you to keep his stall clean.”

Anson hung his head. “I know. I was just having a good time, though.” Scrambling up on the seat beside him, Anson said, “Ty has all kinds of toys. And his
mamm
made us cookies and we watched cartoons.”

Joshua smiled in spite of himself. Before long, these carefree days would be over for Anson. He’d have to accept more responsibility, especially if he and Gretta ever came to an understanding and started building a home of their own. Caleb couldn’t take up all the extra chores by himself. “I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, but you need to find pleasure in everything, right?”

Anson wrinkled his nose. “I suppose.”

When they reached the side of the barn, Joshua set the wagon’s brake, then unhitched the workhorse. Tomorrow would be soon enough to begin carting wood to the store. For now, he probably needed to keep an eye on his brother as he did his chores. “I’m going to go put Buster in the barn. You’d had best get started on the water troughs.”

“I will. But first I want to help you with the logs.”

“Oh, no. You’re not strong enough. I don’t think your arm is ready for that, either. Remember, you just got that cast off.”

“It’s fine. I am, too. I can help you.”

Joshua prayed for patience. “I do want your help, but not carrying logs. Go into Buster’s stall and get his hay. That will help me the most.”

“But I want to stack wood.” He puffed his skinny chest out. “Stop telling me no, Joshua.”

“I’ll tell you ‘no’ whenever I think I should. Now, go do what I saw. Now.” When his brother finally moved away, Joshua directed his attention back to the horse. “Here you go,” he said, unfastening the bridle and leads.

He continued to murmur to the horse as he rubbed him down, ready to go inside and rest.

Then, a bit of foreboding hit him hard. Anson should have joined him in the barn by now. “Anson?”

Closing the horse’s stall quickly, Joshua hurried outside. He skidded to a stop when he heard Anson’s pitiful cries. “Anson?”

“I…I’m…h-h-here.”

He raced to the back of the wagon. And found Anson crying softly on the ground, holding a foot. “Anson, what did you do?”

“I was trying to get the biggest log I could find. To show you how strong I was. But the log was under four others. When I grabbed it, they all rolled onto my foot.”

Kneeling down, Joshua tossed aside the trio of logs that covered his foot. Then came up short. “Anson, your foot is bare! Where is your boot?”

“I took it off.”

“Why?”

“Mamm just had me clean ’em! I didn’t wanna get them dirty.”

Praying for patience, Joshua knew it would do no good to point out that the boots were most likely already muddy from Anson’s trek across the field.

But in the end, even a quick prayer couldn’t stem his impatience. “Honestly, Anson! Do you have no brain in that head?”

“I do! I…” Tears came then, overrunning any words that he tried to voice.

Helplessly, Joshua looked at the foot again, just as their father came running from the chicken pens. “What’s all the commotion about?”

“About what you’d expect. Anson has been foolhardy again.”

“
Daedi
! My foot’s all swollen!”

“You’re going to be the life of me, child,” his father said. “Can you move your foot?”

Anson wiggled a toe. “Not really.”

Josh was already sliding an arm under Anson’s knees and another around his back. “He’s gonna need to go back to Dr. Kiran, I fear.”

“You best hitch up Jim, then,” their father said wearily. “I’ll go tell your mother that it’s time to go to the hospital. Again.”

“You going to come too, Joshua?”

Joshua didn’t miss the hopeful thread in his brother’s voice. “I suppose I’d better. Mamm’s no match for you by herself. No match at all.”

“In case you haven’t heard, I’m keeping the baby,” Lilly stated to her brothers in the middle of dinner. “I don’t want to give it to anyone else. Not even if it would make them happy. I’ve tried to think about it, and consider giving up the baby. I really have. But I just can’t.”

Ty stared at her with wide eyes, then suddenly started inspecting his broccoli. Her parents sat in silence.

Charlie, however, looked at everyone directly. “This is news to me. Mom? Dad? You two look almost calm. Have you already heard about this?”

“We have.” While her dad didn’t look happy with the news, he definitely looked resigned.

Looking at Ty and Charlie, Lilly said, “I know it’s going to be difficult, having a baby here, but I couldn’t live with myself otherwise.”

Ty rolled up a long strand of spaghetti on a fork. “So I’m gonna be an uncle, right?”

Lilly nodded. “Right.”

“Hey, you’ll be one, too, Charlie,” Ty said.

“I guess so.” Charlie put his fork down. “Since this baby is going to be common knowledge, I guess we didn’t have to move after all, huh?”

Lilly looked at him in surprise. While she hadn’t expected him to be especially positive, she hadn’t thought that he would still be so resentful. “I guess not. Though, I like it here now.”

“I like it, too,” Ty said with a smile. “I’ve made two friends in school, and Anson and me get along great.” Since he was sitting next to her, she reached over and ruffled the wayward curls on his head. She could always count on Ty to be on her side.

“So, how do you plan to support yourself, Lilly? To support the baby?”

Lilly couldn’t get a sense about her father. Was he mad at her? Trying to scare her? Or, did he think she genuinely needed to worry about these things? “I imagine I’ll keep working. And…maybe I could live here a while longer.”

“You don’t plan to go to college?”

“No. Not right now.”

Both parents looked disappointed. She knew they were. But Lilly knew that the time had come to stop always being the child. Soon, she would need to be the parent and take on that role.

And that meant that she sometimes had to do the right thing for her and her baby. Not just strive to please her parents.

After giving her dad a look, her mom stood up and left the table.

Lilly still sat, her heart sinking. She’d been a fool to think she could finally tell everyone her decision and expect her parents to embrace that decision with open arms. Obviously there was no chance of anything like that happening.

“Are you going to tell Alec, Lilly?” Charlie asked.

She turned to him, half expecting he, too, to be eyeing her with extreme disappointment. “I already told him. He was fine with it.”

Stung, she stared at her plate as her father, too, stood up and left. Moments later, Ty scampered off. Leaving just her and Charlie and a tableful of spaghetti dishes.

“Well, you sure cleared the table, huh?” Charlie quipped.

“Yeah.” Lilly shook her head in disgust. “All along, everyone’s been telling me to do what I think is best, what’s in my heart. Now that I’ve done that, nothing’s any better. In fact, it’s worse.”

“Are you okay? I mean, physically?”

“I guess.” Actually, she felt sick. She felt sick and awkward and completely like a fool. Maybe she’d just made the biggest mistake of her life. Maybe she should go find her parents and tell them that she was wrong. That of course she was going to pick a family.

Standing up, she gathered three pasta bowls and a salad plate and carried it to the kitchen. To her surprise, Charlie picked up a couple of plates and brought them in, too.

“I think you made the right decision,” Charlie said as he started running the water.

She looked at him in surprise. To her amazement, he was staring at her with a new respect and the corners of his mouth tipped upward slightly. Just enough to let her know that he was impressed. “You do?”

“Yeah.” Efficiently, he opened the cabinet under the sink, pulled out some dish soap, and squirted a quarter’s worth into the running water. Instantly, foamy white suds formed. “What you’re doing, it’s hard. But you’re doing it for the kid. That’s a good thing, you know?”

Lilly pondered that as she walked back to the dining room table and picked up more dishes. “I didn’t expect you to say that,” she said as he took them from her. “I’ve always thought you hated me for what happened with Alec.”

He shrugged. “I’m not going to lie. I sure do wish you’d never gotten involved with Alec. And, I wish you hadn’t slept with him.” He frowned as he rinsed off a plate and stuck it in the dish rack. “And the baby wasn’t good news either.”

She couldn’t help but smile. Her brother was right. All those things had been rude awakenings and tough to deal with. “But?”

“But…things happen, you know?” Dipping his hands into the sudsy water, Charlie swished a dishcloth around, then rinsed and stacked it. “I don’t think you’re the first girl to fall for the wrong guy and have to live with the consequences. You probably won’t be the last.”

“So…”

Finally, his almost smile turned into a grin. The type of smile that was vintage Charlie. It was a smile that had been absent for a long time. “So, I’m glad you’re not trying to pretend that you’re not pregnant. That was getting old.”

“It was getting old for me, too.” She pulled at her khaki pant’s waistband. “I’m tired of everyone just thinking that I’m chubby. But most of all, I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not.”

“It’s too bad about college, though. Maybe one day you can go.”

As they continued the routine of washing, rinsing, and stacking dishes, Lilly said, “I bet I’ll go one day. But right now I think it’s the least of my worries. Anyway, to tell you the truth, I don’t know if I would’ve been ready to go in the fall. School was never easy like it’s been for you. And, well, I like my job at the restaurant. People are nice there.”

“Mom and Dad will come around soon.”

“I know.”

“Don’t give up on them. They’re just worried about you.”

“I hope that’s it.” Thinking about lawyer bills and baby bills, she shivered. “I never dreamed they’d push me out on my own.”

“I don’t think they will. Don’t worry.”

“I’ll try not to.”

“Lilly, you’re going to be fine. See, you’ve always been so comfortable with who you are, with want you want.
Who knows? You might even stay out here in Sugarcreek forever.”

She laughed because he made it sound like the ends of the earth. “Thanks, Charlie. And thanks for the help with the dishes. I’ll finish up the rest of them now.”

He winked, then turned and walked down to his room in the basement.

Of course he hadn’t argued with the offer, but she was so glad he’d stayed and talked to her that she didn’t even care. She liked the idea that her big brother had decided to support her because he felt it was important, not because their parents had pushed him that way.

As she walked back to the dining room and picked up the last of the serving platters, Lilly reflected on how true Mrs. Graber’s advice had been. Truth and honesty always was the best. Even if it meant people didn’t hear what they wanted to hear. Even if it was painful.

At least it was out there and honest. And, well, some good had come out of all this, after all. She had the support of some of the most surprising people. Josh, Lilly. Now even her brother had come around.

“Oh, Gretta!” Margaret sang out as she scrambled down the stairs to the basement. “Roland’s come calling. Again.”

The news created a bit of stir inside her. Fumbling with the dress she was pinning to the clothesline, Gretta attempted to appear calm and collected. However, her
voice had a definite squeak when she turned to her sister. “He’s here?”

“Oh, yes.” Margaret flashed a toothy grin. “Roland is upstairs talking to Mamm.”

“How did he seem?”

“Like he’d rather be talking with you, I’ll tell you that!”

Gretta grabbed the last of the shirts from the wash bin. After hastily shaking them out, she pinned them on the makeshift clothesline. “Please tell Roland I’ll be right there.”

Margaret giggled but did as Gretta asked.

After smoothing back her hair under her prayer
kapp
, Gretta walked upstairs and quickly entered the family’s sitting room. But Roland wasn’t there.

After a moment’s pause, she heard his voice from the kitchen. He was talking and talking, just like he always did. From what she heard, her mother seemed to be enjoying his company immensely. Perhaps there wasn’t a great need to be rushing to his side after all.

Gretta made her way to the back of the house. She couldn’t help but smile when she spied him, leaning up against a counter while her mamm peeled and sliced potatoes.

When she entered the room, Roland seemed to light up. “Gretta, it is so
gut
to see you!”

“It is nice of you to stop by.”

“I had no choice. I wanted to see you and church isn’t until next week. It was either pay you a call or wish I was,” he explained without a touch of embarrassment.

Her mother beamed. “Isn’t that so kind of Roland?”

“It is.” When she noticed that he didn’t seem in any hurry to leave her mother’s side, Gretta stayed put in the doorway, feeling for a moment like she was an intruder.

To Gretta’s surprise, her mother pushed a pile of peeled and diced potatoes Roland’s way. Without missing a beat, he neatly scooped them up and carried them to a boiling pot on the stove, as if he’d cooked in their kitchen a dozen times before. That made her uncomfortable. “Have you been here long, Roland?”

“Not so much.”

“Since I knew you were finishing up the wash, I invited Roland in to sit with me,” her mother interjected with a pleased expression. “It’s been quite a while since a nice young man kept me company in the kitchen.”

Since Joshua had never sat in their kitchen, Gretta knew that to be true. But still, it was discomfiting, seeing Roland there, happily chatting with her mother. Acting like he was starting a new habit.

Obviously her mother’s viewpoint on Roland had changed quite a bit. She looked now like she would dance and sing if Gretta and Roland decided to court.

But now that she realized no one other than Joshua could ever take a place in her heart, Gretta wasn’t quite sure what to do about Roland. “Would you care to walk outside for a bit?”

“I would not…unless you really want to walk in the cold.”

His reply irritated her. What would he do if she said
yes, she did want to be cold? Would he accompany her then? “Oh. Well, perhaps we could go sit in the
sitzschtupp,
in the living room?”

“That, I will do.”

Her mother waved them off. “Yes, you two ought to spend your time together sitting in a cozy room, not out in the cold. Now how about I bring you some snacks and something hot to drink?”

Gretta wasn’t sure she even wanted him there that long. His presence felt a bit too pushy. Like he’d taken advantage of her quiet ways. But now she had no choice in the matter—her mother had already made the offer. Dutifully, Gretta said, “Roland, would you care for tea?”

“I would,
danke
.”

Happily, her mother pulled out the kettle. “I’ll brew a pot and bring it in.” With a not-so-subtle wink Roland’s way, she added, “I enjoyed our conversation, but I’m guessin’ that it’s time to have someone else’s company for a bit, yes?”

“You guessed right, but I was happy to be with you for a bit, Mrs. Hershberger.”

After they sat down and sipped on their tea, Roland began talking. He talked about an upcoming auction for horses. He talked about a recent hunting trip for deer.

He talked about a bunion on his foot and the antics of his eighty-year-old grandmother.

As Gretta sipped her tea, she watched the clock tick on the wall. And realized that no matter what, she could never be married to Roland. No matter how constant his mood was, no matter how lively his banter could be—
Gretta knew she would get terribly irritated with him.

They were not suited.

After almost an hour, he stood up. “It’s best I leave now. What time shall I come calling on you tomorrow?”

She noticed he wasn’t asking, he was telling her he would come calling. “No. I mean, no,
danke
. Tomorrow’s a long workday for me and I fear I won’t want much company in the evening.”

“You might. A nice chat together might perk up your spirits, yes?”

“I don’t think so. Actually, Roland, I think maybe we should cool things off a bit.”

“But I thought we were enjoying each other’s company. I know I have enjoyed sitting with you and sipping tea.”

“I have enjoyed your attentions, but I’m afraid I don’t think we will suit each other in the long run.”

“We will suit, I think. You just need to give us more of a chance.”

“I don’t think so.”

“But your
mamm
—”

“My mother doesn’t speak for me,” she said in between clenched teeth.

He blinked. “No. I see she does not. Well, goodbye, Gretta.” Looking thoroughly dejected, he put back on his felt hat, and left her house.

Gretta watched from the window as he guided his horse and buggy away from their house and onto the main road.

“I can’t believe you just did that,” her mother said
from behind her. “You tossed him away like yesterday’s trash. Honestly, Gretta, every time I think you’ve come to your senses, you disappoint me again.”

Each word hurt. “I’m sorry if I’m disappointing you.”

“What are you going to do? If not Joshua, if not Roland, then who will you find to marry you?”

“I’m only nineteen, Mamm. I’ve got plenty of time to make these decisions. You make it sound like I’m thirty-nine.”

“It’s only that with Beth gone, your father and I have high expectations for you and Margaret.”

“Mamm, I can’t replace Beth. I can never be her, or what you wanted her to be.”

She looked affronted. “We don’t want you to replace Beth. I only want you to think about your future more carefully. Think about what could happen if you make the wrong choice. If you choose the wrong man.” Her mother caught herself just in time.