Wiser (4 page)

“I’m sure they’re already asleep,” my mother said, barely able to stay upright on her barstool.

“You’re sure?” I repeated, feeling numb. “Did you see them go to sleep? Did you tell them good night? Have you even been at the house at all?”

“Don’t you raise your voice at your mother,” my father roared. “She gave you life, you little bitch.”

The bar didn’t even pause at his shouting. This was more than commonplace here. It was just a part of the chatter.

“She might’ve given it to me, but I’ve had to take care of myself—and the rest of your kids—for eighteen goddamn years,” I said, my chest heaving. I ripped a ticket out of a waitress’ grasp and slammed four shot glasses on the bar, one right after the other. “How could you leave your own kids alone in the trailer?”

“They’ll be fine,” my mother assured me. “You turned out fine, didn’t you?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. I was alive, if that was what she meant. Jerking the upended tequila bottle back and forth over the shot glasses until they were full, I grabbed a handful of limes and shoved them into a fifth shot glass before putting them all on a dilapidated tray and pushing it toward the waitress.

But was I fine? I was bartending in an illegal bar, underage to boot, after giving up on my dream to go to art school, to become an artist or whatever I was meant to become. I was the furthest thing from fine, and I was serving drinks to my alcoholic parents.

“I’d say she’s better than fine,” my father said. “Come here, girl, and give daddy a kiss.”

“Fuck off,” I offered casually, as if I were commenting on the weather. “You’re barely fit to be a man, let alone someone’s daddy.”

He snagged my arm as I tried to walk away and yanked me over the surface of the bar, grabbing my chin roughly with his other hand.

“The mouth on you, girl,” was all he said before kissing me, square on my lips, slipping his thick tongue between my teeth, rolling it around in my mouth like a liquor-flavored eel. I vaguely heard my mother laughing, like it were all some big, wonderful joke.

I did the first thing I thought of, chomping down as hard as I could on that hateful tongue.

A sharp coppery taste filled my mouth—as well as my father’s screams—and he pushed me away as hard as he could. Blood ran down both of our chins. I grinned, knowing that I probably looked like a psychopath, but it was hard not to feel like one. My drunken father had just kissed me—with tongue—and all my mother had done was laugh.

Neither of them was laughing now.

I took a shot straight from the tequila bottle in front of me in part to wash the taste of my father from my mouth and in part to shore me up. The liquor burned all the way down, scorching the inside of my throat and coating of my stomach. It was a welcome distraction from my horror.

Then, I slammed the bottle against the edge of the bar, shattering it. Liquor and glass shards flew everywhere, showering my sneakers and the bar floor. The sound of shattered glass dulled the chatter in the bar, but only minimally. That reflected the atmosphere—there were always people breaking glasses and bottles. Only a few drunken patrons watched me as I leveled the broken end of the bottled at my father’s face.

“You’ve made a mistake,” I said, coldly and clearly.

“Can’t a man kiss his daughter?” my father said, his voice thick as his injured tongue tried to form the words. My mother hung onto him, dabbing at his chin with a wadded up napkin.

“Not like that he can’t,” I answered.

“What’re you gonna do?” he mumbled. “Kill me?”

“Maybe,” I said, slashing at him experimentally. Both he and my mother jerked backward, and more than a few bar patrons started paying closer attention to what was going on in my corner of the bar. What would it take to kill him? Would I have to cut him sideways with the bottle, or would I be able to stab the broken bottle into his throat? Would my mother interfere? Both of them deserved a bottle in their necks. They kept me from doing what I knew I’d be good at. They kept me from New York City, kept me under their thumbs here in Tennessee, were robbing me of the best years of my life. They were robbing me of a future.

With care and no small amount of effort, I swallowed my rage and tried to think carefully. I wasn’t going to kill my father—nor my mother. I wasn’t. It wouldn’t be the smart thing to do and I needed to do the smart thing. I needed to use my brain to get out of here.

Unbidden, my art teacher’s face sprang up in my mind. Miranda. What was it she’d said to me? That one day I was going to have to take care of myself.

Maybe that day had been a little too long in coming, but it was officially here. It was time to do what I needed to do to ensure that I was going to come out of this okay.

“Neither of you deserves to be parents,” I said coolly, not lowering the broken bottle a millimeter. I kept it pointed directly at my father’s face. It was the bottle he looked at, not me, and I was fine with that. I hoped his last memory of his daughter was a dangerous array of glass. It could be his legacy—as well as my mother’s. The daughter who had finally shattered. Let it serve as a painful lesson.

“We never asked to be parents,” my mother sobbed. “We never wanted it.”

I looked at her, the slimy tears making trails in her makeup. I hated that I looked like her, hated the blue eyes we shared. I’d go to my grave with the features my parents had bequeathed to me, and I hated that.

“That much is very apparent,” I told her. “You never were parents, either of you.”

I brought the bottle crashing down on the bar again, sending even more glass spiraling around. Both my mother and father covered their faces against the assault, and I was out of the door before either of them uncovered their faces, pushing past the gaping bar owner.

The night air was cold, and my breath came in clouds, puffing behind me like steam from a train as I marched down the street to our trailer. I couldn’t believe that my parents had left my brothers and sisters alone in the trailer. I took comfort in the fact that there weren’t emergency vehicles racing down the road toward our home, but I knew that other, quieter, more terrible things could happen. Maybe one of them suffocated in their sleep, tangled up in pillows, covers, or each other.

Maybe the heat hadn’t kicked on and they’d all frozen to death. Maybe the heat had kicked on, and with it, carbon monoxide poisoning. The last scenario gave me chills. Someone else in the little conglomeration of trailers had died last winter because of a faulty heater. I spent many nights waking up in a panic and holding my finger under each of my siblings’ noses to make sure they were still breathing. I was always afraid of something happening to one of them.

My legs quickened to a jog without me even thinking about it. However, after everything that had been wheeling through my mind, I still wasn’t prepared for what was inside that trailer. All four of my siblings were weeping, even Miki. She was carrying around a trashcan, vomiting in it, and attempting to change the baby’s diaper at the same time. My brothers were in the bathroom, and from the retching sounds, they were doing about the same thing.

“What’s going on?” I asked Miki, trying to keep the shock from my voice and my face.

“We’re sick,” she said, her voice so weak my breath caught in my throat. “Ma said it was gross and she left with Dad. I couldn’t leave here, Sandra. I couldn’t come get you. I’m sorry.”

It struck me that I probably should have killed my mother and father both at the bar, but I tried to keep my face carefully neutral.

“It’s okay,” I said, hugging her to me. “I’m here, now. Help me think, Miki. Did you guys eat anything funny?”

“I made everyone sandwiches for dinner, but no one was really hungry,” she said, fumbling with the baby’s diaper as the baby wailed.

I looked at the table, where the half-eaten remains of that meal rested and tried to disguise my rage with purpose. My siblings had been sick since probably this afternoon—and alone, too. My nine-year-old sister, as sick as the rest of them, had attempted to care for everyone when she didn’t have any business even taking care of herself.

I went to the fridge and looked at the packages of lunchmeat and cheese. They smelled fine, both expiration dates still in the clear. I was pretty sure I could rule out food poisoning. The fact that my mother and father had abandoned their kids at the first sign of sickness enraged me. It was obvious to me that they all had some kind of virus—I’d arranged for all of them to get flu shots through the school during the fall, so it couldn’t be that.

My brothers and sisters needed real parents. It might be too late for me to enjoy the idea of two people caring for me and taking care of me, but it was something they needed.

I took Miki’s face in my hands, keeping her from attending to the baby. Her cheeks were too warm. Fever?

“You’ve done a good job,” I said. “I need you to know that it shouldn’t be like this.”

“Shouldn’t be like what?” she asked me, dark circles beneath her dull blue eyes.

“Like this,” I said, sweeping my hand around to indicate the tiny trailer, the sobbing between retches in the bathroom, the squalling baby. “You’re a child. You deserve to laugh and play and not worry about things like this.”

“It’s okay,” Miki said. “You took care of us. I’m the next oldest, so I’ll take care of everyone, too.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be like that, either,” I said. “I was supposed to be a kid, too.”

I made Miki lie down on the couch, putting the trashcan next to her, and took the baby. I’d been working on potty training the little one, but it was apparent that my parents had been telling Miki just to slap a diaper on her. I guessed they thought it was easier to deal with a full diaper at their leisure. The baby was as sick as the rest of them, and howling. I carried her to the bathroom to check on the boys.

“Hey guys,” I said gently. “I’m going to give everyone a shower, then we’re going to take some medicine. You all gonna be brave for me?”

Both of them sat on the floor, their heads against the cool surface of the toilet. The older of the two looked at me, all the fight gone from his eyes. They usually did their best to weasel out of a shower, so I knew how sick they were.

I gently eased the soiled clothing from the baby’s clammy body and sat her down in the shower. She cried and cried as the shower water rained down on her. For not the first time, I wished we had a freaking bathtub in the trailer, but the shower was the best we could do. I soaped up the baby, washing the vomit from her front and hair.

“My poor sick baby,” I crooned, singing a little under my breath. “Everything’s going to be fine now, everything’s going to be all good.”

I took her out from the water and left it running before wrapping her up in a towel. Miki was standing in the door, leaning on the frame.

“What is it, sweet thing?” I asked her, pulling a diaper from below the sink and strapping it on the baby with practiced ease. I couldn’t expect the little one to make it to the toilet tonight.

“There’s sick in your bed,” Miki said. It looked like the doorframe was the only thing keeping her upright. “I’m sorry. We all woke up with it.”

“That’s nothing for you to be sorry about,” I said. “Lie back down on the couch and rest. Let me worry about all this.”

I retrieved a set of warm fleece pajamas for the baby and got her into them. After the warm shower and clean diaper, she was obviously feeling better—and sleepier. By the time I zipped the pajamas up to her neck, her eyes were half closed.

“That’s my girl,” I whispered. “Go on back to sleep, now.”

I put her on the couch with Miki before helping the boys with their dirty pajamas. They huddled together under the warm spray of the water, keeping their eyes closed as I went over them with a soapy washcloth. It’d been a long time since I’d bathed either of them, and it brought back memories of wondering how I would get all my homework done and still care for my brothers. That was back when I still thought I had a chance at succeeding.