Wishful Thinking (26 page)

Christian had driven them up to London in Jess’s car, which was another thing that seriously needed replacing, but in front of Ben, they had kept their conversation light. He was just relieved the plan had paid off and had Kate to thank for that. When she knew Jess was serious about leaving so early, she had let him know and promised to delay Jess to give him time to get down the long drive to the road, as well as agreeing to explain his departure to Adam later.

He doubted Adam would object as he seemed to be too preoccupied with Amber to take much else on board right now. Later on, if – as was expected – Amber’s pregnancy ended in further misery, he would be there for him – for both of them – if necessary. But right now he had his own life to sort out and his first priority was persuading Jess of the importance of her role in it. He knew he had to get back to America on Tuesday to round up his immediate commitments, but he would be back by the weekend and from then on everything would change. He would do nothing else without Jess by his side. If she agreed.

They ordered in food because Jess felt it was too late for Ben to go out to a restaurant – he hoped to work on her rigid adherence to routines after they were married – and allowed Ben to choose. He opted for Chinese and they sat on cushions on the floor around a vast coffee table crammed with different delicacies. Then after they put Ben to bed, they settled in each other’s arms and talked about their future.

“Amber is history now for both of us,” he assured her, scattering kisses all over her face.

“But…” Jess began but he cut her short, claiming her lips in order to prevent her from speaking.

When he eventually pulled away, it was only fractionally, in case she needed silencing again in the same way. “I wasn’t told that word was contagious,” he murmured against her soft mouth. “If I’m not allowed to use it, neither are you.”

She smiled and stretched her arms up around his neck to pull him closer as he began to move away. He had no objections as her tender, full lips were a delicious distraction and he had no better plans at the moment.

“I do hope she is out of your life – and your head,” Jess whispered as her lips nibbled and fluttered over his.

“Oh, she’s out of my head alright. It’s far too full of you to leave any room for her.”

Jess released a contented sigh and allowed him to draw her closer to him; so close that their heartbeats were indistinguishable. Two hearts in exact sync – how perfect is that, he thought. He marvelled at how snugly her body moulded itself to his and felt that same sense of rightness of being that he’d only ever experienced with her. If he had to spend the rest of his life proving himself worthy of her, it would be a task worth pursuing.

****

It’s only for four days, Jess told herself as she brushed away her tears after waving goodbye to Christian at Heathrow on Tuesday morning. George had picked them up at the house and driven them out to the airport after first dropping Ben off at school. Ben had hugged Christian before hopping out of the car, saying “See you on Saturday” with the absolute conviction that he would. Jess envied his faith. She wished she could feel so certain. All manner of doubts assailed her and she encouraged them all, superstitiously believing that if she thought about them first, then they would be less likely to happen and take her by surprise.

He held her in his arms, warm against his body, for a long time, as if unable to part from her. “Now remember – stay at the house and don’t go anywhere. If you need anything at all, just send out one of the staff. And keep that,” he tapped the new phone he’d bought for her the previous day, “switched on and with you at all times – night and day.”

She’d nodded, hugged him, kissed him over and over and finally – and very reluctantly – parted with him. But her sense of misgiving would not go away. Four days, she told herself, only four days. But lives could be changed in four minutes. Until she knew he had landed safely in L.A., she would not breathe easily.

She hadn’t been back in the Mayfair house for more than a few hours before Amber arrived. Jess instantly saw that something about her had changed. There was none of that arrogance in her expression as she looked at Jess, just a sad sort of curiosity and perhaps even defeat.

Jess showed her into the room in which she had been working and thought:
she almost certainly knows this house far better than I do!
But Amber said nothing as she followed Jess inside and glanced around her.

“I went to your flat first,” Amber’s voice sounded dull, but at the same time rather breathless and her eyes darted wildly around the room. “I figured you might be here from what your neighbour told me. Oh please don’t blame her – I bribed her with a couple of tickets for my show tomorrow. I’d like you to come too – and little Ben, of course – VIP seats.”

Jess looked at Amber through narrowed eyes but kept her lips tightly clamped.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m doing this.” Amber said in the same flat monotone as before, which now began to alarm Jess.
Manic depressive
, hadn’t someone said? Had she only ever seen Amber in her highs? Was this now Amber at her lowest ebb? Amber the low flier?

“Not really,” Jess replied affecting a bright and breezy voice. “I was thinking how kind, but of course we can’t go. My son is only six and it is a school night, you know.”

All of a sudden Amber released a gasp and her beautiful face crumpled, like a used brown paper bag as she collapsed into tears. Her red-gold hair swept forward as she dropped her head into her hands and wept. “Oh god, Jess - don’t hate me for what I’ve done, please! I know you have every right to do so, but you just don’t know what my life has been like.”

How many more times must she be reminded how difficult Amber’s early life had been? And was it really enough to excuse her? Jess wanted to remain aloof but found it difficult. She cupped her fisted hand to her mouth and fought to repel her own tears as she watched the crumpled young woman pouring out her heart and relating some of the atrocities of her life. Her instincts told her to put her arms around Amber, hug her and share her pain and it taxed all her reserves not to do so. Instead she called for some tea to be brought in and presented Amber with a cup.

Eventually Amber controlled her tears and gulped down some of the tea without questioning its variety. She still seemed to be very much on edge, writhing about in her seat as if incapable of sitting still. “I’m sorry, Jess. I’ve been so horrible to you when we should have been best friends. Adam and Christian are like brothers, you know, so really we should be like sisters, especially when we’re married to them.”

“So you are going to marry Adam, then? That’s wonderful news. Congratulations.” Jess really meant it but she nevertheless felt deeply puzzled about why Amber should announce it to her first.

Amber gave her a sweet smile. “Thank you. And when our baby is born, we’d like you and Christian to be godparents.”

Jess wriggled uncomfortably in her chair but managed to smile. Something, she felt, was just not quite right and she was unsure how to respond. Christian had said that Amber’s chances of carrying a baby to term were negligible, but she could hardly point that out. Amber believed otherwise and Jess had to encourage her in that belief. It would have been the worst kind of cruelty to remind her that her chances of being a natural mother were remote.

After a few more minutes of small talk, Amber rose to leave, though she stood with apparent difficulty and seemed unsteady on her spindly-heeled Jimmy Choo ankle boots. “You’ll be wanting to get on with your work and I’ve taken up enough of your time.”

She still sounded a little breathless and looked pale and anxious, Jess realised with mounting concern. Was she ill? Her breathing certainly seemed to be erratic. Should she prevent her from leaving and call a doctor, or Adam? She stood up uncertainly as Amber came unsteadily towards her to give her a parting hug. And then all of a sudden Amber let out a gasp followed by a loud shriek and fell to the floor at Jess’s feet, leaving Jess frozen to the spot with horror.

Amber clutched her stomach and moaned but the sound emanating from her throat was hardly recognisable as human. It sounded primitive and mournful, like an animal dying alone in the wild forsaken by everything except its predator. The maid who had brought the tea came hurrying in just as Jess came to her senses and they both dropped down beside Amber.

“What is it, Amber? Are you alright? Is it the baby?”

“Doctor!” Amber screamed, pulling herself into a foetal position and clutching her middle tightly. Her face showed nothing but anguish.

“Call 999!” Jess ordered the maid.

The young woman nodded and started to rise.

“No!” Amber shrieked, grabbing the maid’s arm and rolling on her side. Her face was a picture of horror. “Don’t leave me with her!”

Jess recoiled in an instant as understanding dawned.

Amber let out a loud, agonised scream. “Help me! I think she’s killed my baby!”

23

Sometime after the ambulance bore Amber away, the police arrived. Jess sat trembling violently, hardly capable of answering any of their questions. Before she went into theatre, Amber had made a statement claiming that Jess had pushed her away violently as she went to give her a hug, causing her to lose her balance and fall awkwardly on her side.

Jess could barely give coherent answers to any of their questions in her state of shock. The police said their call was routine following a 999 call and they simply wanted her version of the events leading to the accident at this point. If Amber chose to press charges for assault, they would return. They cautioned her not to attempt to leave the area without giving details of her whereabouts.

After they left, she sat at the table staring blankly ahead of her for a long while. When she had the strength to do so, she called George and begged him to come to her as quickly as possible. She noticed two missed calls from Christian, but could not bring herself to call him back.
How can I tell him what I’ve done, when even I don’t know? I didn’t push her – I didn’t even touch her, so why is she doing this to me?
But she already knew the answer. She had seen the hatred in Amber’s face as she lay writhing on the floor at her feet. It wasn’t she who should feel guilty, but Amber.
But who is going to believe me?

She told George everything between her sobs – went over and over the events to make sure she had omitted nothing. When Christian phoned again, it was George who answered his call and asked him for the contact details of his lawyer. Jess was still too upset to speak. The moment she heard his voice, she began sobbing uncontrollably.

Before George left to collect Ben from school, Jacqui had arrived to take care of Jess. She bathed her face and held her in her arms until Jess had no more tears left to cry. Jacqui murmured reassurances over and over until Jess finally managed to calm herself. By the time George came back with Ben, Christian’s lawyer had arrived and while Jacqui swept Ben off for some after-school indulgences, George and Jess went through the events again with the lawyer.

“It’s highly unlikely that Amber will seek to press charges. Without witnesses, it’s just her word against yours and her legal people won’t let her entertain such an idea knowing how impossible it will be to prove anything. But I think I can safely say it won’t come to that, given her…emotional instability. However, if the police contact you again, say nothing and let me know immediately.”

Jess heaved a sigh of relief. “I didn’t touch her – I’d never do such a thing – but I didn’t realise how devious she could be. That’s what frightens me so much. I just wish I knew why she would say such a terrible thing.”

The next time Christian called, it was from the airport just before boarding his flight home.

“Oh no!” Jess moaned softly. “I don’t want to drag you away on my account. Especially because you’ll then have to go back again afterwards and I can’t bear any more goodbyes.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ve cancelled all the remaining work. If they want to sue, let them, but I don’t think they will. They’re a very forgiving nation. I’m coming home and Tom’s coming with me. I’m not going to let you go through this alone.”

*

Jess sat on the sofa that night with Jacqui trying to make sense of it all. Adam had called and told her that Amber had lost the baby and was now under sedation and awaiting transfer to a private clinic. He had heard about her police statement from the hospital staff and assured Jess that he would do his utmost to prevent Amber from pursuing litigation.

“Whatever happened between you, it wasn’t your fault. It was inevitable.”

“I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry about the baby. But nothing
did
happen, Adam. Please believe me – I didn’t touch her - literally – not even to kiss her goodbye!”

“I believe you, Jess. Try not to worry,” Adam said.

She heard the weary heaviness in his voice and felt instantly guilty for pleading her cause instead of commiserating with him in his loss. “I’m truly sorry, Adam,” she told him.

“Don’t beat yourself up, Jess. It was bound to happen. In fact…well, never mind.”