Witches Abroad (37 page)
Authors: Terry Pratchett
Magrat looked across at Granny's broomstick. A large round box was among the baggage strapped to the bristles.
âYou never tried on that hat she gave you,' she said.
âI had a look at it,' said Granny coldly. âIt don't fit.'
âI reckon Mrs Gogol wouldn't give anyone a hat that didn't fit,' said Nanny. âLet's have a look, eh?'
Granny sniffed, and undid the lid of the box. Balls of tissue paper tumbled down towards the mists as she lifted the hat out.
Magrat and Nanny Ogg stared at it.
They were of course used to the concept of fruit on a hat â Nanny Ogg herself had a black straw hat with wax cherries on for special family feuding occasions. But this one had rather more than just cherries. About the only fruit not on it somewhere was a melon.
âIt's definitely very . . .
foreign
,' said Magrat.
foreign
,' said Magrat.
âGo on,' said Nanny. âTry it on.'
Granny did so, a bit sheepishly, increasing her apparent height by two feet, most of which was pineapple.
âVery colourful. Very . . . stylish,' said Nanny. âNot everyone could wear a hat like that.'
âThe pomegranates suit you,' said Magrat.
âAnd the lemons,' said Nanny Ogg.
âEh? You two ain't laughing at me, are you?' said Granny Weatherwax suspiciously.
âWould you like to have a look?' said Magrat. âI have a mirror somewhere . . .'
The silence descended like an axe. Magrat went red. Nanny Ogg glared at her.
They watched Granny carefully.
âYe-ess,' she said, after what seemed a long time, âI think I should look in a mirror.'
Magrat unfroze, fumbled in her pockets and produced a small, wooden-framed hand-mirror. She passed it across.
Granny Weatherwax looked at her reflection. Nanny Ogg surreptitiously manoeuvred her broomstick a bit closer.
âHmm,' said Granny, after a while.
âIt's the way the grapes hang over your ear,' said Nanny, encouragingly. âYou know, that's a hat of authority if ever I saw one.'
âHmm.'
âDon't you think?' said Magrat.
âWell,' said Granny, grudgingly, âmaybe it's fine for foreign parts. Where I ain't going to be seen by anyone as knows me. No-one important, anyway.'
âAnd when we get home you can always eat it,' said Nanny Ogg.
They relaxed. There was a feeling of a hill climbed, a dangerous valley negotiated.
Magrat looked down at the brown river and the suspicious logs on its sandbanks.
âWhat I want to know is,' she said, âwas Mrs Gogol really good or bad? I mean, dead people and alligators and everything . . .'
Granny looked at the rising sun, poking though the mists.
âGood and bad is tricky,' she said. âI ain't too certain about where people stand. P'raps what matters is which way you face.
âYou know,' she added, âI truly believe I can see the edge from here.'
âFunny thing,' said Nanny, âthey say that in some foreign parts you get elephants. You know, I've always wanted to see an elephant. And there's a place in Klatch or somewhere where people climb up ropes and disappear.'
âWhat for?' said Magrat.
âSearch me. There's prob'ly some cunnin' foreign reason.'
âIn one of Desiderata's books,' said Magrat, âshe says that there's a very interesting thing about seeing elephants. She says that on the Sto plains, when people say they're going to see the elephant, it means they're simply going on a journey because they're fed up with staying in the same place.'
âIt's not staying in the same place that's the problem,' said Nanny, âit's not letting your mind wander.'
â
I'd
like to go up towards the Hub,' said Magrat. âTo see the ancient temples such as are described in Chapter One of
The Way of the Scorpion
.'
I'd
like to go up towards the Hub,' said Magrat. âTo see the ancient temples such as are described in Chapter One of
The Way of the Scorpion
.'
âAnd they'd teach you anything you don't know already, would they?' said Nanny, with unusual sharpness.
Magrat glanced at Granny.
âProbably not,' she said meekly.
âWell,' said Nanny. âWhat's it to be, Esme? Are we going home? Or are we off to see the elephant?'
Granny's broomstick turned gently in the breeze.
âYou're a disgustin' old baggage, Gytha Ogg,' said Granny.
âThat's me,' said Nanny cheerfully.
âAnd, Magrat Garlickâ'
âI know,' said Magrat, overwhelmed with relief, âI'm a wet hen.'
Granny looked back towards the Hub, and the high mountains. Somewhere back there was an old cottage with the key hanging in the privy. All sorts of things were probably going on. The whole kingdom was probably going to rack and ruin without her around to keep people on the right track. It was her job. There was no telling what stupidities people would get up to if she wasn't there . . .
Nanny kicked her red boots together idly.
âWell, I suppose there's no place like home,' she said.
âNo,' said Granny Weatherwax, still looking thoughtful. âNo. There's a billion places like home. But only one of 'em's where you live.'
âSo we're going back?' said Magrat.
âYes.'
But they went the long way, and saw the elephant.
Footnotes
1
Like finding that bloody butterfly whose flapping wings cause all these storms we've been having lately and getting it to stop.
Like finding that bloody butterfly whose flapping wings cause all these storms we've been having lately and getting it to stop.
2
And people are wrong about urban myths. Logic and reason say that these are fictional creations, retold again and again by people who are hungry for evidence of weird coincidence, natural justice and so on. They aren't.
They keep on happening all the time, everywhere
, as the stories bounce back and forth across the universe. At any one time hundreds of dead grandmothers are being whisked away on the roof-racks of stolen cars and loyal alsatians are choking on the fingers of midnight burglars. And they're not confined to any one world. Hundreds of female Mercurian
jivpts
turn four tiny eyes on their rescuers and say, âMy brood-husband will be livid â it was
his
travel module.' Urban myths are alive.
And people are wrong about urban myths. Logic and reason say that these are fictional creations, retold again and again by people who are hungry for evidence of weird coincidence, natural justice and so on. They aren't.
They keep on happening all the time, everywhere
, as the stories bounce back and forth across the universe. At any one time hundreds of dead grandmothers are being whisked away on the roof-racks of stolen cars and loyal alsatians are choking on the fingers of midnight burglars. And they're not confined to any one world. Hundreds of female Mercurian
jivpts
turn four tiny eyes on their rescuers and say, âMy brood-husband will be livid â it was
his
travel module.' Urban myths are alive.
3
Considered backward, that is, by people who wear more clothes than they do.
Considered backward, that is, by people who wear more clothes than they do.
4
Bad spelling can be lethal. For example, the greedy Seriph of Al-Ybi was once cursed by a badly-educated deity and for some days everything he touched turned to Glod, which happened to be the name of a small dwarf from a mountain community hundreds of miles away who found himself magically dragged to the kingdom and relentlessly duplicated. Some two thousand Glods later the spell wore off. These days, the people of Al-Ybi are renowned for being unusually short and bad-tempered.
Bad spelling can be lethal. For example, the greedy Seriph of Al-Ybi was once cursed by a badly-educated deity and for some days everything he touched turned to Glod, which happened to be the name of a small dwarf from a mountain community hundreds of miles away who found himself magically dragged to the kingdom and relentlessly duplicated. Some two thousand Glods later the spell wore off. These days, the people of Al-Ybi are renowned for being unusually short and bad-tempered.
5
Which explains a lot about witches.
Which explains a lot about witches.
6
Desiderata had sent a note via Old Mother Dismass asking to be excused on account of being dead. Second sight enables you to keep a very tight rein on your social engagements.
Desiderata had sent a note via Old Mother Dismass asking to be excused on account of being dead. Second sight enables you to keep a very tight rein on your social engagements.
7
Nanny Ogg didn't know what a coquette was, although she could probably hazard a guess.
Nanny Ogg didn't know what a coquette was, although she could probably hazard a guess.
8
Hence, for example, the Way of Mrs Cosmopolite, very popular among young people who live in the hidden valleys above the snowline in the high Ramtops. Disdaining the utterances of their own saffron-clad, prayer-wheel-spinning elders, they occasionally travel all the way to No. 3 Quirm Street in flat and foggy Ankh-Morpork, to seek wisdom at the feet of Mrs Marietta Cosmopolite, a seamstress. No-one knows the reason for this apart from the aforesaid attractiveness of distant wisdom, since they can't understand a word she says or, more usually, screams at them. Many a bald young monk returns to his high fastness to meditate on the strange mantra vouchsafed to him, such as âPush off you!' and âIf I see
one more
of you little orange devils peering in at me he'll feel the edge of my hand, all right?' and âWhy are you buggers all coming round here staring at my feet?' They have even developed a special branch of martial arts based on their experiences, where they shout incomprehensibly at one another and then hit their opponent with a broom.
Hence, for example, the Way of Mrs Cosmopolite, very popular among young people who live in the hidden valleys above the snowline in the high Ramtops. Disdaining the utterances of their own saffron-clad, prayer-wheel-spinning elders, they occasionally travel all the way to No. 3 Quirm Street in flat and foggy Ankh-Morpork, to seek wisdom at the feet of Mrs Marietta Cosmopolite, a seamstress. No-one knows the reason for this apart from the aforesaid attractiveness of distant wisdom, since they can't understand a word she says or, more usually, screams at them. Many a bald young monk returns to his high fastness to meditate on the strange mantra vouchsafed to him, such as âPush off you!' and âIf I see
one more
of you little orange devils peering in at me he'll feel the edge of my hand, all right?' and âWhy are you buggers all coming round here staring at my feet?' They have even developed a special branch of martial arts based on their experiences, where they shout incomprehensibly at one another and then hit their opponent with a broom.
9
Granny Weatherwax had once pressed him about this, and since there are no secrets from a witch, he'd shyly replied, âWell, ma'am, what happens is, I gets hold of 'un and smacks 'un between the eyes with hammer before 'un knows what's 'appening, and then I whispers in his ear, I sez, “Cross me, you bugger, and I'll have thy goolies on t'anvil, thou knows I can.”'
Granny Weatherwax had once pressed him about this, and since there are no secrets from a witch, he'd shyly replied, âWell, ma'am, what happens is, I gets hold of 'un and smacks 'un between the eyes with hammer before 'un knows what's 'appening, and then I whispers in his ear, I sez, “Cross me, you bugger, and I'll have thy goolies on t'anvil, thou knows I can.”'
9a
Many of the more traditional dwarf tribes have no female pronouns, like âshe' or âher'. It follows that the courtship of dwarfs is an incredibly tactful affair.
Many of the more traditional dwarf tribes have no female pronouns, like âshe' or âher'. It follows that the courtship of dwarfs is an incredibly tactful affair.
10
Well, not
often
. Not on a daily basis, anyway. At least, not everywhere. But probably in some cold countries people say, âHey, those eskimos! What a people! Fifty words for snow! Can you believe that? Amazing!' quite a lot.
Well, not
often
. Not on a daily basis, anyway. At least, not everywhere. But probably in some cold countries people say, âHey, those eskimos! What a people! Fifty words for snow! Can you believe that? Amazing!' quite a lot.
11
Of course, lots of dwarfs, trolls, native people, trappers, hunters and the merely badly lost had discovered it on an almost daily basis for thousands of years. But they weren't explorers and didn't count.
Of course, lots of dwarfs, trolls, native people, trappers, hunters and the merely badly lost had discovered it on an almost daily basis for thousands of years. But they weren't explorers and didn't count.
12
Nanny Ogg sent a number of cards home to her family, not a single one of which got back before she did. This is traditional, and happens everywhere in the universe.
Nanny Ogg sent a number of cards home to her family, not a single one of which got back before she did. This is traditional, and happens everywhere in the universe.
13
Something about Nanny Ogg rubbed off on people.
Something about Nanny Ogg rubbed off on people.
14
The Yen Buddhists are the richest religious sect in the universe. They hold that the accumulation of money is a great evil and burden to the soul. They therefore, regardless of personal hazard, see it as their unpleasant duty to acquire as much as possible in order to reduce the risk to innocent people.
The Yen Buddhists are the richest religious sect in the universe. They hold that the accumulation of money is a great evil and burden to the soul. They therefore, regardless of personal hazard, see it as their unpleasant duty to acquire as much as possible in order to reduce the risk to innocent people.
15
Black Aliss wasn't very good with words either. They had to give her quite a lot of money to go away and not make a scene.
Black Aliss wasn't very good with words either. They had to give her quite a lot of money to go away and not make a scene.
16
Whereas in Ankh-Morpork, business was often so slow that some of the more go-ahead Guild members put adverts in shop windows offering deals like âStab two, poison one free'.
Whereas in Ankh-Morpork, business was often so slow that some of the more go-ahead Guild members put adverts in shop windows offering deals like âStab two, poison one free'.
17
Ronald the Third of Lancre, believed to be an extremely unpleasant monarch, was remembered by posterity only in this obscure bit of rhyming slang.
Ronald the Third of Lancre, believed to be an extremely unpleasant monarch, was remembered by posterity only in this obscure bit of rhyming slang.
18
Nanny Ogg knew how to start spelling âbanana', but didn't know how you stopped.
Nanny Ogg knew how to start spelling âbanana', but didn't know how you stopped.
19
Always in front of you in any queue, for a start.
Always in front of you in any queue, for a start.
19a
Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because â what with trolls and dwarfs and so on â speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.
Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because â what with trolls and dwarfs and so on â speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.
20
As Desiderata said, fairy godmothers tend to get heavily involved with kitchens.
As Desiderata said, fairy godmothers tend to get heavily involved with kitchens.
21
Two logs and hope.
Two logs and hope.
22
This is the last line of a Discworld joke lost, alas, to posterity.
About the AuthorThis is the last line of a Discworld joke lost, alas, to posterity.
Terry Pratchett is the acclaimed creator of the global bestselling Discworld
®
series, the first of which,
The Colour of Magic
, was published in 1983. His novels have been widely adapted for stage and screen, and he is the winner of multiple prizes, including the Carnegie Medal, as well as being awarded a knighthood for services to literature. Worldwide sales of his books now stand at 70 million, and they have been translated into thirty-seven languages.
For more information about Terry Pratchett and his books, please visit
www.terrypratchett.co.uk
®
series
Have you read them all?
1. THE COLOUR OF MAGIC
2. THE LIGHT FANTASTIC
3. EQUAL RITES
4. MORT
5. SOURCERY
6. WYRD SISTERS
7. PYRAMIDS
8. GUARDS! GUARDS!
9. ERIC
(illustrated by Josh Kirby)
10. MOVING PICTURES
11. REAPER MAN
12. WITCHES ABROAD
13. SMALL GODS
14. LORDS AND LADIES
15. MEN AT ARMS
16. SOUL MUSIC
17. INTERESTING TIMES
18. MASKERADE
19. FEET OF CLAY
20. HOGFATHER
21. JINGO
22. THE LAST CONTINENT
23. CARPE JUGULUM
24. THE FIFTH ELEPHANT
25. THE TRUTH
26. THIEF OF TIME
27. THE LAST HERO
(illustrated by Paul Kidby)
28. THE AMAZING MAURICE AND HIS EDUCATED RODENTS
(for young adults)
29. NIGHT WATCH
30. THE WEE FREE MEN
(for young adults)
31. MONSTROUS REGIMENT
32. A HAT FULL OF SKY
(for young adults)
33. GOING POSTAL
34. THUD
35. WINTERSMITH
(for young adults)
36. MAKING MONEY
37. UNSEEN ACADEMICALS
38. I SHALL WEAR MIDNIGHT
(for young adults)
39. SNUFF
Other books about Discworld
THE SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD
(with Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen)
THE SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD II: THE GLOBE
(with Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen)
THE SCIENCE OF DISCWORLD III: DARWIN'S WATCH
(with Ian Stewart and Jack Cohen)
TURTLE RECALL: THE DISCWORLD COMPANION ⦠SO FAR
(with Stephen Briggs)
NANNY OGG'S COOKBOOK
(with Stephen Briggs, Tina Hannan and Paul Kidby)
THE PRATCHETT PORTFOLIO
(with Paul Kidby)
THE DISCWORLD ALMANAK
(with Bernard Pearson)
THE UNSEEN UNIVERSITY CUT-OUT BOOK
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Full Circle (Avalon: Web of Magic #12) by Rachel Roberts
Chourmo by Jean-Claude Izzo, Howard Curtis
Bones for Bread (The Scarlet Plumiere) by Muir, L.L.
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