With a Little Help (28 page)

This is my third week as Special Vice President. I'm doing well for myself! Crazy Tony is now my assistant! He sits at a smaller desk in my office with me and Rhindquist, and Rhindquist asks him the same crazy questions he asks me, but Tony's answers are always weird. He has been in management stream since the second grade, and he has read all kinds of TV that I've never even heard of. Rhindquist doesn't know about it, either. He says that Tony is paranoid, which means that he thinks everyone is out to get him. Tony said that even paranoids have enemies, and Rhindquist laughed so much, I thought he would bust.

Some days, Rhindquist is very sad, and on those days, we just watch movies. I've seen My Fair Lady, Pygmalion, Trading Places, The Prince and the Pauper, and a whole bunch more. They are all about poor people like you and me who become rich and powerful like Rhindquist. Mom, I think it means that Rhindquist wants me to be in charge! I haven't said anything, but I am trying to get ready. I am learning Word Power at night with the TV in my apt. I am not using it yet, because I want to make sure I am very good at it before I do.

I told Rhindquist about Vasquez and the new guy, and do you know what he did? He sat down at my desk and he opened up Vasquez's file on my TV and he gave him Excellents in all of his Appraisal Categories! Can you believe it? There's nothing he can't do! He said, You gotta give the working stiffs a Christmas present now and then, right, Jap? I said, Sure.

But I don't know. The Performance Appraisals are supposed to be
scrupulously
fair -- that's one of my Power Words, it means
very
. It doesn't seem right to just treat them like a bunch of numbers. It's Vasquez's whole life! It's good that Rhindquist gave him all Excellents, because that means that he'll probably be promoted this year, maybe he'll end up a dispatcher or even a trainer. But what if Rhindquist had decided to put Needs Improvements down? It would have ruined Vasquez for the rest of his life! It's full of arbitrary -- that means that it doesn't make sense.

I haven't talked to Rhindquist about this. I don't want to seem stupid. Tony and I talked about it on the slidewalk, though. He said that I was very stupid if I still believed that Performance Appraisals meant anything. He said that the only Appraisal that counts is the one they get from reading your mind. I laughed and called him paranoid. He said, I take that shit from Rhindquist but I don't have to take it from an ignorant farm-boy like you. I got scared for a second, and then I remembered that I was Tony's boss! Tony, I said, I should fire you on the spot. (That was from one of the movies we watched) Then
he
looked scared and he said Sorry, sorry! I said, What makes you think anyone could read your mind?

And he said, What makes you think they can't? I said, Well, if Rhindquist could read my mind, he would have known that I was going to call out Security the day we met, at Finance 38. Tony said, Rhindquist is just a puppet of the Ones In Charge. They pull his strings and he dances for them.

I said I didn't understand and Tony looked at me with pity. He said, The Ones In Charge are running all the cities, Microsoft and England and BBD&O and Red Stripe. They know everything that's going on. This is all a game for them.

And I said, Boy, you don't know anything! BBD&O is our biggest enemy! File-O-Gator is locked in a death-struggle with them, it said so on the news this morning!

Jap, Tony said, we're not fighting BBD&O -- File-O-Gator is.
We're
riding a slidewalk back home. Can't you tell the difference between fighting and riding a slidewalk?

And I said, Of course I can! That's full of sophistry! (Another Power Word, which means cow-patties) We're part of File-O-Gator. File-O-Gator is fighting BBD&O. That means we're fighting BBD&O, Ergo. (That means, So there!)

Tony laughed and said, That's where you're wrong! File-O-Gator is just the long arm of one of the Ones In Charge. He probably slept with the wife of the One In Charge who runs BBD&O, and now they're fighting it out.

I laughed at Tony and said, You keep talking about the Ones In Charge! Everything you say is stupid unless you believe in the Ones In Charge! What makes you think that there are any Ones In Charge?

There
has
to be, Tony said. Who else is running the show?

Rhindquist is! I said.

Tony looked at me like I was stupid. I'm pretty sick of him looking at me like that. Tony said, If Rhindquist is running the show, then how come he has time to waste on you?

I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what. Tony sure makes me angry! I got off the slidewalk and went home and wrote you this letter.

#

Hi Mom!

Gosh, poor Buddy! How can
he
be a spy? I played with him all my life! I never saw him being a spy! He'd have to be pretty sneaky to be a spy! I don't think he's a spy! I'm sure that the manager at his disciplinary hearing will figure out that he couldn't be a spy!

I am learning Power Punctuation now. I have been using my Power Words with Rhindquist all week, but he doesn't seem to notice. I think that if I start sending him Written Reports that are Power Punctuated, he'll notice that I'm really making effortful progress!

Today, Rhindquist sent Tony back to his old office to bring up all their Secure Document Storage Containers. It was the first time that Rhindquist and I were alone together since Tony was made my assistant, and I had a private talk with Rhindquist.

I said, "Are you really in charge?"

Rhindquist stared at me. "What is that supposed to mean?" he asked.

I said, "Tony says that 'If you were 'in charge;' that you wouldn't have time to squander with us. He says: 'You're just a puppet of the 'Ones In Charge''"

Rhindquist smiled and shook his head. He said: "Tony thinks he's pretty smart -- huh?"

I smiled back at him because I thought he thought Tony was crazy. "He sure does!" I said.

Rhindquist said: "Well, even 'paranoids' have enemies!"

I said, "Wow! Do you mean: 'Tony is right?'!"

He said, "Well, no one except weirdos like me would want to know what's in Tony's brain, so I don't think he really has to worry about anyone reading his mind! But he's right about one thing: even though I'm in charge of File-O-Gator, I'm not necessarily running the show. I have
investors
. Pray God you never meet them, Jap. They'd eat you alive."

I said, "But they taught me in Basic that you started File-O-Gator with just one truck and a shredder! And that you shrewdly parlayed your meager holdings into a powerful organization by strategically deploying your human resources!"

He laughed! "Strategically deploying human resources? I paid the mob to scare the s**t out of the guys driving the other trucks!"

I thought that the drivers of the other trucks must've been pretty gutless if they let someone scare them away from their appointed responsibilities, but I didn't say so.

Rhindquist looked at me like he was sorry he'd said what he said. "Oh, I didn't
hurt
anyone. Just put the fear of God in them. Then I picked up their routes, borrowed some cash, bought some more trucks, and the rest is history. I just sort of stumbled along with it, best as I could.

"Sometimes, I wonder how it all happened. One minute, you're shredding papers in Toronto, the next, you're buying the place! I can't see that I was a whole lot smarter than any of the other guys who were doing the same thing. . . I did design the uniforms, though. They were pretty sharp -- nicer than the potato-sacks you guys wear these days."

I like my uniform, Mom, and I wear it with pride. If it had been crazy Tony making fun of my uniform, I would have maybe hit him, but when Rhindquist said it, I just had to look like I understood and smile at him.

I said, "You've done a lot more than design the uniforms! You run the show! You said so!"

He looked at me like I was a little kid and shook his head. "If I was running the show, would I be amusing myself by pulling random Quality Audits on the trucks?"

Crazy Tony walked in then. He looked at us and said, "What?! What are you two talking about?"

Rhindquist said, "Jap here was just explaining to me how you don't think I'm in charge." Tony looked scared and Rhindquist winked at me.

Tony looked at me like he wanted to kill me!

Tony said, "Do you really want to discuss this? Here? In this place, with all the ears and eyes in this room?"

Rhindquist laughed and laughed and laughed. "Ears and eyes? Tony, you're beautiful, you twisty little weirdo. A real laugh riot."

Tony's face got red and he looked fit to bust. "Fine, then. Let's talk. Talk about the Calabrese and the Gnomes and the Tongs and the Masons and the Posses! How'd you like that?"

Rhindquist tried to stop laughing, but he couldn't. "Jap, there's nothing more dangerous than a little knowledge!" He didn't say it to me, though, he said it to Tony. Tony was so angry, he shook!

Just then, Rhindquist's phone rang. He said, "McBride here," which is how he always answers. Then he said, "Yes, sir! That's fabulous!" He covered the bottom of the phone and said, "Why don't you guys take the rest of the day off, huh?" And then he opened the door and sent us out!

When I got home, my TV was already on, with a Special Bulletin: BBD&O was our sister city, and the two of us were fighting a life-and-death battle with Microsoft. There was also a message from Rhindquist, and attached to it was a copy of another old movie, 1984.

It was boring.

#

Hi Mom!

I can't believe it! They gave Buddy life? Jeez! I'm going to talk to Rhindquist about this -- this is ridiculous!

Today was Tuesday, so I was on the truck with Vasquez. I got to the garage nice and early, and my watch congratulated me. It kind-of bothered me. I guess I'm just getting used to working in my office, with the watch switched off.

By the time we made our first stop, at HR 102, I was ready to throw my watch out the window! It had told me
eight times
how great I was: when I got to the garage; when I did my safety-check; when I stopped at three red lights; when I backed up to the document disposal dock; when I cleared security; and when I lifted the boxes with my legs instead of my back. To tell you the truth, it made me feel pretty stupid. I felt like I was a puppy, getting patted on the head.

By lunch, my watch had given me 57 positive feedbacks. I mentioned it to Vasquez.

He said, "I don't know what you're complaining about. It beats having it shout at you all the time. It just means you're doing all right. When I'm out with the new guy, this thing never shuts up. It just yammers on and on about how late we are, how many more pickups we have to do, what percent of our pickups we've been late for. I got so mad last week, I shouted at it: 'Don't tell me! Tell the retard who's driving!'"

We both laughed at that. I said, "Sure, it's better to get loved-off than it is to get chewed-out, but don't you feel like an idiot, having a machine telling you what a great job you're doing?"

My watch said that I was lowering morale and I should stop. I got so angry, Mom! I told it to mind its own business! It said that it
was
minding its own business and did I want it to connect me with a maintenance operator to evaluate its judgment?

I'd never mouthed-off to my watch before. The idea of talking to a real person about it scared me, but I remembered that even though I was driving a truck, I was also a Special Vice president, and that made me almost everybody's boss. I said, "Yes!" Vasquez looked at me like I'd gone nuts!

A few seconds later, a new voice came out of my watch. "How can I help you, Mr Whitehead?" The voice was smooth and oily, like the man from Physical Plant who used to come around to collect the rent back home.

All of a sudden, I didn't know what to say. I said, "My watch is irritating me."

The voice said, "Have you developed a rash? Is there visible chafing?"

I said, "No. It's irritating me mentally. It never shuts up."

The voice didn't say anything for a while, then it said, "Well, from my records, I see that you have a 98% positive-feedback-index. In fact, your watch hasn't given you any corrective feedback in weeks, with the exception of a mild correction about anti-morale speculations."