With or Without Him (9 page)

That terrible morning, when the gag had been taken from the mouth of a seven year old, it had been too late. Everything dear to him had gone. No more gentle arms to cradle him when he was hurt. No more stories snuggled next to his mum in bed. No scent of her. No making her laugh so hard she cried. No photo. Nothing. It was as though she’d never existed, as though he’d never been part of a family. He’d lost everything that night, including himself. He’d have done anything it took to make things right, but there was no way back.

Tyler’s head swam. He made himself inhale and exhale against his arm until his breathing slowed and gradually he pushed his fear back into its cage. Then he curled up even tighter.

He’d told himself he wouldn’t go back to Prescott, the ball gag was the last straw, but he was already rethinking that. Though there’d be conditions. No more bondage of any sort. Just sex. The money currently sitting in his pocket made turning away very difficult because whatever else happened in his life, one aim shone like a beacon. Tyler was determined he would not be like his father. No family should ever have to go through that.

He thought again about Haris, how he’d looked into his eyes and understood. No one else had seen his distress. Even if they had, they hadn’t been prepared to help. Not even Jeremy. Haris had saved him and he didn’t even know him.
Christ. I wanted to fuck him in his car, or him to fuck me, I didn’t care.

Then again, was he even thinking straight? Maybe he didn’t want Haris at all and it was simply gratitude that fired up his libido. Didn’t matter. The moment was gone, finished, over. He’d screwed up by being impulsive and scared the guy off. He felt embarrassed thinking about it. At least he’d never have to see him again.

So why did that leave him with an empty feeling in his gut?

Haris lay in bed rethinking Wilson’s description of what he’d seen and heard in the warehouse and told himself to let this go. Tyler was a mess and Haris didn’t need that sort of complication in his life. Not again.

But I want him.

He rolled over and scrunched up the pillow under his head. He needed to stick to the plan he’d settled on after Karl; when the need for sex grew too much—find a guy, rent a hotel room and fuck the malaise out of his system.

Except he hadn’t. Not for four months because his so-called plan hadn’t cured the depression in his soul.

Haris shook when he thought of Karl, the last man he’d been involved with, and how it had been so right and then so wrong. He’d promised himself then, he’d never let anyone get that close again, never fall in love.

He rolled the other way and watched the digital display of his alarm ticking seconds off he’d never get back.
This is the life we’re given. One life
.
One opportunity to be happy, to make others happy, and I’m letting it slip through my fingers because I’m afraid.
He released a strangled laugh. He was successful in a business where risk was everything and yet he couldn’t extend that to his private life?

Forget Tyler.

Not a good idea to be with someone who took such chances with his life, no matter what the reward. A thousand pounds to be tied up and gagged? The ticket price suggested more had been required of Tyler than that. The guy had been willing to have the ball gag strapped to his mouth even though it freaked him out. Yet Haris understood the taste of desperation. Who was he to criticize Tyler for taking that risk?

Forget him.

It wasn’t that easy. His cock tented his shorts and the ache in his balls had reached painful proportions. Haris slid his hand down and freed his erection, taking it firmly in his grasp. Not difficult to imagine Tyler’s long fingers wrapped around him, pumping his cock. A rush of pleasure slid along his veins as he began to stroke himself.

A single thought about the beauty of Tyler’s dick, and pre-come soaked his fingers. Haris kicked off the bed cover and worked his cock with both hands. He bit his lip as his breathing hitched. In his mind, he had Tyler’s mouth around him, Tyler’s ass to bury himself in, Tyler’s moans filling his ears. Haris bent his knees, spread his legs and pressed his heels into the bed as he jerked himself off, lifting his hips in the same rhythm as if he were thrusting into Tyler.

Telltale tingles pricked the back of his skull, his balls drew up tight to his body and launched him straight into meltdown. Haris gasped as he came, his cock spurting warm silky jets over his belly.

As his heart rate calmed and his breathing eased, he knew that hadn’t helped at all.

Haris woke in the morning thinking about Tyler, jacked off in the shower thinking about him, and instead of a morning wank putting him in a good mood, it set him on edge. He brushed his teeth so hard he made his gums bleed and he nicked his cheek twice with his razor. When he walked into the kitchen, Wilson gave him a long look. For once, a single glare was enough to silence his garrulous valet.

Wilson put a large mug of coffee with hot milk in front of him, poured him a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and handed over the paper. Haris read it without taking in a word and ate two slices of toast and marmalade without tasting a mouthful.

“Could we fit a grand piano in the library?” he asked.

Wilson showed no surprise at the sudden question. “Yes, if I could find a home for everything else you have in there. But if I might be so bold as to suggest you start with something a little smaller. Perhaps the triangle. Not that I have any doubt that as soon as you begin piano lessons, your natural talent will ensure you’ll make astounding progress. I’ve been privileged to occasionally hear you sing in the shower and thought—what a voice. With a reasonable amount of training, it might actually
be
a voice I could listen to for more than a few minutes without getting a migraine. And now an instrument. It will be a delight to listen to you practice as I lie in bed directly underneath that room. Oh the joy.”

Haris smothered his smile. “Would a grand fit through the door?”

Wilson didn’t bother hiding his. “Probably not, sir. What a shame.”

“Find one that will and get it delivered today. Budget of five thousand.”

“Yes, sir.” Then came the long suffering sigh that Haris knew so well.

As Haris had anticipated, Kevin Flowers’s hopes for a big check for the music college ensured whatever else he’d been doing that morning could wait.

“I very much enjoyed the concert last night,” Haris said, hoping he wasn’t quizzed on who’d played after Tyler.

Flowers beamed. “I was hoping we’d have a chance to talk after at the reception.”

“I had another engagement.” Haris put the check on the desk. “I don’t wish my name to be linked to the donation. Anon is fine.”

Flowers’s jaw dropped when he looked at the amount. “Most generous.”

“I like the sound of your plans to involve the community with the college and the way you encourage your students to go into local schools. You should be able to buy a few instruments with that.”

“Absolutely.”

“Any chance of showing me round the college while it’s in operation? I don’t want to disturb anyone, but…”

“No problem at all.” Flowers pushed to his feet.

Haris picked his moment as they headed out into the corridor. “I thought the young man who played the Liszt was very good.”

“Tyler Bellamy. Hmm. He likes to be different. The students know full well they have to wear tuxes.”

“Is this his final year?”

“Yes, thank goodness.”

The hairs bristled on Haris’s arms. “What’s he done?”

“He’s difficult.” Flowers sighed. “A bright young man but… He’ll probably go far in the music world. Well, he would if he could settle on one instrument.”

Haris wanted to hear more about Tyler but knew it was unwise to look too interested. “How many hours are students expected to practice?”

“As many as they can fit in. Some of the practice rooms are along this corridor.”

As if Haris hadn’t been able to tell from the jumble of sounds coming from more instruments than he could identify. It would be too much to hope he’d bump into Tyler, and it made him wonder what the hell he was doing. If he
did
see him, he’d probably freak him out. Haris hurried Flowers through the rest of the tour, stopped asking questions and didn’t hide his impatience to get out of there.

When they turned a corner and Haris saw Tyler strolling toward them, he felt old and pathetic. He could have engineered a more convincing chance encounter than this. Tyler’s eyes widened when he spotted him. Haris’s feet appeared to be lodged in treacle. The guy was even more appealing in daylight.

“Talk of the devil,” Flowers said.

An appealing devil.

“Tyler, this is Haris Evans. He was at the concert last night and just telling me he enjoyed your performance.”

Tyler tightened his mouth into a scowl and his beautiful dark eyes went even blacker.

“Though you played
La Campanella
prestissimo
rather than
allegro
,” Flowers said. “It wasn’t a race.”

“I like to play it fast,” Tyler muttered.

“Could I hear you play it again?”
Stupid, stupid.
Haris wanted the words back. Blood roared in his ears and he felt nauseous. His voice didn’t even sound like his.
What the hell am I doing? Think of something fast.
“I’m arranging a corporate event and trying to come up with some entertainment.” That might have fooled Flowers, but not Tyler whose raised eyebrows almost made Haris laugh.

“Find an empty room and prove you can play
La Campanella
at the right speed,” Flowers said.

“What? Now?” Tyler asked.

“If you’re not busy.” Haris turned to Flowers and held out his hand. “Thank you for showing me round. I’m sure Tyler can point the way out.” He couldn’t be clearer than that.

Flowers shook his hand. “Thank you so much for the…yes, well. Thank you. If you decide you don’t want Tyler, I can suggest some other…more suitable students.”

Haris’s gut clenched. Flowers headed left and Tyler stalked off in the other direction, checking the rooms he passed. Haris followed, his breathing ragged. He wondered if he’d ever felt more nervous about making a move. But that was largely because he only ever made a move in a place where men were after the same thing as him. A fast fuck.

When they were inside a practice room and the door was shut, Tyler turned to face him with his arms crossed, defiance written all over him. “What the fuck do you want?”

Haris opened his mouth and nothing came out.

“You really
were
at the concert, weren’t you? Flowers bloody knows you. Fucking hell. Did you follow me from here last night?” He started to pace. “Of course you did. Thinking of blackmailing me into being your sub? Going to threaten to tell Flowers what I do in my spare time? Well, it’s got nothing to do with anyone but me.”

Oh shit.

Tyler came right up into his space, so close his breath hit Haris’s lips. “Changed your mind about fucking me? Want to see my latest test for STDs? I’m clean as a whistle. That make it okay? Want to go to some cheap hotel for an hour? Collect the thanks you refused last night?”

“No.” Although his cock thought that was a bloody fantastic idea.

Tyler backed away. “What are you doing here?”

“Play for me.”

“I’m not some performing monkey.”

“I want to hear you play.”
I want to fuck you.
“I want to see you play.”
I want my cock in your mouth.
“I want to get to know you.”
I want to suck your cock.

Shit.
Haris hoped Tyler couldn’t read minds or have x-ray vision and see the state of his dick under his coat.

Tyler stared at him for a long while before he sat at the piano. His fingers flew over the keys and Haris didn’t hear a thing. All he could think about was the curve of Tyler’s chin, his tight-lipped anger, the dark stubble on cheeks he longed to touch, physically ached to feel rubbing against him. Everything about the guy fascinated him. How he dipped his head toward the keys, the way he made love to the instrument, the changing expression on his face as he played.

I am so fucking lost.

He didn’t even register Tyler had finished, he just stared, submerged in thoughts of him. Only when Tyler stood and the stool scraped on the floor did Haris react. He started and let out a shaky laugh.

“Thought you’d fallen asleep.” Tyler shoved his hands in his pockets.

Haris didn’t know what to say. How could a guy have such an effect on him?

“I don’t usually render anyone speechless,” Tyler muttered.

Walk away now before you drown. You’re freaking him out, for Christ’s sake.

“I kind of like it.” Tyler smiled and Haris couldn’t have moved to save his life.

I need to kiss him.

“Want to get a coffee?” Tyler asked.

He managed a nod.

Tyler ran his fingers through his hair. “Then you can tell me what you’re really doing here.”