Without You Here (12 page)

"Now tell me about you and Blake."

I tried not to exhale in relief. This was an easy question. "We just don't work as a couple. You'll see...he'll be an absolute angel to me now that I've called it off. We always get along so well when we're just friends. But when we're dating, he's just...mean. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like everything I do embarrasses him and he's just constantly trying to change me."

Liza nodded along. "I see. Then I suppose it's good that you've ended it."

"It is. And it's for good this time. I am determined not to let him talk me into dating him again. I think I need to find him another woman so he'll quit fixating on me."

"So...what was it about coming here that made you finally decide to break up with him?"

I wasn't sure what the point of this question was, but it had me back on edge. What was she fishing for?

Whatever it was, Liza had already found it. She studied my expression and then sat her tea cup aside. "Last weekend, my son Wyatt met a young woman in a bar."

Shit. Shit. Shit. "Oh," I said, trying to sound surprised or something. "That's nice for him." I hid behind my tea cup and broke eye contact.

"Word gets around these parts," Liza said. "A good friend of mine, Joy Allen, called me last Sunday. She said her boy, Lyle, played pool with Wyatt and the young girl he was with. Said she was cute and perky. Blond. Real young."

I nodded along and pressed my lips together. "I guess there's a fair share of women meeting that description."

"Maybe. Whoever she was, she changed something for my son. He was distracted and moody for a couple of days. And then he showed up, Tuesday night, asking me what I would think of him dating a twenty-two year old woman. I learned from Stan that he'd been sorting through his wife's clothes, getting them ready to pack up."

"I guess after two years, it's time to do that sort of thing."

Liza shrugged. "Still, it was remarkable. See, Amberlee was sick off and on for five years. Wyatt took to doing everything around that house. Everything she wanted. Just to keep things normal for her. Didn't matter that she was confined to bed most of the time and couldn't see whether he'd put the groceries on the proper shelves in the fridge or weeded the garden every morning. He did it all anyway. He'd switched something off inside himself. Something that was so essential to who he was. And when she died, he kept going like she was still in the house, doing all those things for her like she needed him to do them. He's been stuck, you see. And I loved Amberlee like she was my own daughter. But she wasn't strong. Through all of it, she never was a fighter. She leaned on him and he carried her. He carried everything. Sometimes I get mad thinking how she used him up so much."

Liza stopped and looked away. She shook her head faintly and blinked away a couple of tears.

"So the way I figure it," she said, "I haven't seen my son in five years. I guess I got used to it and didn't think I'd ever see him again. But Tuesday when he came over, I saw him again. It was all I could do not to smother him with hugs and kisses. I know it was that girl that did it because I asked him. I asked him where that spring in his step had come from. He said he just had a mighty fine weekend and thought maybe it was time to get moving along."

I was about to crush that thin, little teacup. So I sat it down and wrung my hands.

"So," Liza continued, "he went on about his week looking better and better. He came over every day for lunch, which he usually does, but he was back. He was Wyatt again. Almost. Closest I'd seen in years, anyway. Until today. Today he fell apart. And I can't think what could have done this to him. I figure if that girl was what brought him back to life, maybe something happened involving her. Maybe he spoke to her or saw her."

She had it figured out. There was no sense trying to lie. I was probably sheet pale at this point, anyway. I looked her in the eye. "We didn't know. I didn't know who he was. He didn't know who I was. It was an honest mistake."

Liza leaned back in her chair. She took a sip of tea. "Tell me how it happened."

"I'd fought with Blake. I stopped at a bar for a drink afterward and saw a handsome, older man sitting at the bar, looking real sad and lonely. And in case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit impetuous. So I just flirted with him until he bought me a drink. Then I worked on getting him to laugh. After that, he took over."

"He laughed?"

"We laughed a lot last weekend. I've never been so happy in my life."

"Had you planned on seeing each other again?"

I remembered the pain of parting and bit back tears as I shook my head. "I wanted to be his girlfriend. He just wanted to have fun. He said he'd never take me home with him. I believed him. I was so afraid of falling in love with him and him not being able to let go of his wife. I fell for him hard last weekend and I just knew it was only going to get harder to part with him if I saw him again. So we said goodbye. And then Blake brought me here. I saw Wyatt over there at the foot of the stairs. Blake was outside. It was just the two of us and the way he looked at me...he was nothing but happy to see me. We kissed and said how much we'd missed each other. And then we realized what was going on. And I'm so damn mad at myself. All I would have had to do was ask his last name. Or his son's name. We were just holding back on personal information, is all."

"Everything happened too fast."

I looked up at her, drinking in her understanding, so grateful for the compassion in her eyes. "Exactly. We kept telling each other how much we didn't care. We had to joke about it because to face the fact that we'd instantly connected so deeply was just too hard."

"You saved him, Ettie."

This hit me. Hard. There's still a lot I don't know about the world, but I've had plenty of experience with men. I knew what I wanted and what I didn't want. And I did not want a man I had to save. "He needs to save himself," I said.

Liza smiled gently. "Yes. He does."

"You understand, I can't have that on my shoulders. What if I did save him? What if I became his sole reason for living and being happy, just like she was. And then what if something happened to me? Where would he be then? He needs to grow stronger from this. I wouldn't even want to be with him until he does."

Liza looked down at her lap. She seemed to be smiling to herself.

I sighed. "Maybe last weekend woke him up. Maybe that's what it was meant to do. Just sort of jump start him. So...my job here is done, you know?" The finality of it choked me up. I bit my lip to keep from crying.

Liza moved next to me and rubbed my back until I'd calmed down some. I was still sniffling. "With Wyatt, I...I've just never felt so...perfect. Everything was perfect. Being with him made me feel whole and perfect. But I determined in my head that I wouldn't wait for him. I've been trying all week not to think about him. And now here he is and...God, I'd do anything to be with him. I'd take backseat to Amberlee forever if I had to. But even that's not enough because I couldn't do that to Blake. And I know Wyatt couldn't either. This is such a mess!"

Liza was quiet for a long time. She kept her hand moving up and down my back and I let the rhythm hypnotize me. I wasn't sure what she was thinking. Whether she was at a loss for words. Or maybe biting her tongue against a slew of criticisms. Or coming up with ideas as to how to solve my problems. Who knew? In the end, she offered me a hug and told me a good night's sleep would help clear my perspective. Which was such a charmingly useless piece of advice, I couldn't help but hug her back in gratitude. Then I went upstairs to bed.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Wyatt had a pleasant buzz going. He sat on the back porch steps with the light off, watching the stars, smoking a cigarette and taking the occasional drink of Jack Daniels. He heard the glass door slide open and shut. Blake sat down next to him.

"Smoking," Blake muttered. "And drinking."

"Amberlee doesn't mind if I smoke one after dinner as long as I do it outside."

"She's dead, Dad."

Wyatt gritted his teeth. "So why is your girlfriend sleeping in another house?" he asked bitterly, even though he already knew the answer.

"She broke up with me. Right after we got here. But Lauren can't come pick her up until Sunday, so I've got two days to win her back."

"But she wants to go home?"

"Yeah, but she said she'd stay the weekend."

Wyatt sighed. He needed to get Ettie out of here. His body was still enjoying the effects of making love with her. He wouldn't be able to get her out of his life until he...got her out of his life. "I'd be more than happy to drive her home if she wants."

"I appreciate that. But this is better. Plus, this came on so abruptly. I really need to make sure she's okay."

"Yeah, but if she doesn't want to be here—“

"Dad. Thanks. Really. But I want her to stay."

Wyatt rested his elbows on his knees and dug his palms into his eyes.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine, Son."

Blake was silent for a long time. Wyatt stared down at the ground and wished he was alone. Maybe he'd sneak back over to his parents' house and climb up into Ettie's window and sleep with her in his old bed. He'd slept with Amberlee in that bed. It would surely be a betrayal to sleep with another woman there. Or anywhere.

"I just don't want to be alone," Blake said all of a sudden.

Wyatt looked at him. He was a good-looking kid. Very responsible. Hard working. Wyatt was proud.

"I really care about Ettie. We have some great times together. But I guess I'm not absolutely sure she's the one for me. Still, it's so hard to find someone. What if I lose her and no one ever comes along to replace her?"

Wyatt tried to find it in himself to commit to this heart-to-heart conversation. But he was tired. He'd spent all day with his family and not yet been to see Amberlee. He'd neglected so many chores that day...chores he'd promised her he would keep up with. He tried to remind himself that since she wasn't here, these conversations with Blake were on his shoulders as well. Amberlee would want him to take care of this. "You're twenty-one years old," he said. "And even if you were fifty, it's wrong to settle for a woman just because you're afraid of being alone."

"I'd agree if it were anyone else. But Ettie...she's great. There's no reason I shouldn't be crazy in love with her. I just keep thinking, maybe she'll do some growing up in the next few years. Maybe she'll settle down a bit. You know, she was brought up by this super over-protective mom. She never went out of the house. So when she finally did get out, she just went really wild. And she had, like, no social skills. Lauren and I met her freshman year and we're basically her only friends. I guess...I guess I think I can fix her and then she'll be the perfect wife."

Wyatt studied him a minute. "I think you know the answer to your question."

Blake deflated. "Yeah. Yeah. If I don't love her for who she is right now, then I don't really love her. If I have to change things about her to make her into someone I want, then I don't really want her."

"Then...you'll let me drive her home tomorrow?"

Blake was quiet a moment. "She'll be fine until Sunday. Dating or not, we're still friends. And Lauren won't be home all weekend. I don't want her to be alone."

"But—“

"And she's been dying to learn to ride a horse. I think she'll have a good weekend here."

Wyatt stifled a groan. It would be fine. It was only a couple of days.

Blake went inside. Wyatt breathed in the cool air for another few minutes. He heard thunder rumbling not too far away. There was a flash or two of distant lightning. He considered going to visit Amberlee. On nice evenings like this, he often spent the night next to her grave. But Blake might notice if he was gone. And there was the rain coming in. He would go see her in the morning. What a half-hearted husband he was turning out to be. What would he have done if she'd been buried far away? He might hardly ever visit her. He cursed his lack of devotion. At the same time, there was a voice in his mind telling him that it was okay to let her go. He hated this voice because it was wrong. It wasn't okay.

He reached in his back pocket and pulled out the two sheets of yellow lined paper he kept folded up and on hand at all times. The paper was extremely worn, now. He opened it and read through Amberlee's list. All the things she wanted him to do. And a note at the end, just for him. He could hear her voice through this list. He could see her and almost smell her. If he was drunk enough and closed his eyes, he could even feel her next to him. He tried, now. But he must not've been drunk enough, because all that happened when he closed his eyes was a quick replay of his last moments with Ettie. He opened them abruptly, hating himself for letting another woman intrude on his time with his wife. But there was still that voice, telling him it was okay. Dangling life and joy and peace in front of him as though he had a right to any of those things.

Wyatt pressed Amberlee's note to his nose and inhaled, still imagining he could smell her. Then he folded it back up and pocketed it. He went to his bedroom and closed the door. Took a shower. Climbed into bed. He'd dropped his keys, wallet, and cell phone on his night stand same as always. He was about to doze off when his cell phone buzzed. He picked it up and saw Ettie's name on the screen.

"Yeah?" he answered, his voice already husky with sleep.

"I found Playboys under your mattress." She was whispering. Conspiratorial. Having a little Ettie adventure.

He grinned. "Don't tell my mom."

"I won't. I just thought you should know."

He couldn't hold back the laughter. "Why the hell were you digging under my mattress?"

"Well, it occurred to me that I was sleeping in a bed that once belonged to a teenage boy. Which kind of grossed me out, but Liza assured me she has changed the sheets at least once in the past twenty years. And then I got to wondering if you ever did any of those typical teenage boy things. So I looked. And there they were. Two Playboys that must be really old because the women's hair is all big and frizzy. Now I'm looking for liquor and cigarettes."