Woman Thou Art Loosed! 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition (14 page)

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So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man.
Genesis 2:21-22 (NIV)

The first female mentioned in the Bible was created mature, without a childhood or an example to define her role and relationship to her husband. The first female was created a woman while Adam was asleep. That the Lord “brought her to the man” is the first hint of marriage. I believe it would be better if we still allowed God to bring to us what He has for us. The only biblical evolution I can find is the woman, who evolved out of man. She is God’s gift to man. When God wanted to be praised, He created man in His own likeness and in His image. Likewise, God gave man someone like himself. Adam said that she is “
bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh
” (Gen. 2:23). His attraction to her was her likeness to him. He called her “womb man” or woman. Like the Church of Christ, Eve was Adam’s body and his bride.

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
Ephesians 5:29-32

They were made of the same material. Adam says, “She is bone of my bone.” He says nothing of her size, body build or hair color. These superficial components are like placing a product in an attractive container. The container may get the consumer to try it. But only the product will keep the consumer coming back. His attraction goes much deeper than externals. These outward attractions are certainly an advantage, but be assured that when it comes to marriage, no one ever stayed together simply because of attraction. I don’t know whether I agree with those who say there is only one person in the world for each of us. I would be afraid that, out of the billions of people on this planet, I wouldn’t be able to find that one. However, I do know that when you find a person with whom you are compatible, there is a bonding that consummates marriage and that has nothing to do with sex. I also understand how you could feel this person to be the only choice in the world. Let’s face it, everyone you meet isn’t bone of your bone! It is so important that you do not allow anyone to manipulate you into choosing someone with whom you have no bond. When Ezekiel speaks about the dry bones in the valley, he says, “
The bones came together, bone to his bone
” (Ezek. 37:7). Every person must pray and discern if the other is someone they could cleave to the rest of their life.

D
o not allow anyone to manipulate you into choosing someone with whom you have no bond.

The term
cleave
is translated from the Hebrew word
debaq
. It means “to impinge, cling or adhere to; figuratively, to catch by pursuit or follow close after.” There is a great need in most of our lives to cleave, to feel that this is where we belong. It is sad to realize our society has become so promiscuous that many have mistaken the thrill of a weekend fling for a knitting together of two thirsty hearts at the oasis of a loving commitment.

If you are reading this book and are not married, as you pray and seek God for companionship, consider these issues carefully. Find ten couples who have been married 12 years or more. Look at their wedding album. You will see that many of them have drastically changed. Realize that if those initial impressions were all that held a marriage together, these marriages would already be over. Certainly, you owe it to your spouse and yourself to be all that you can. Still, there is much more involved in marriage than the superficial.

Marriage is so personal that no one will be able to stand outside your relationship and see why you bond with that person. If you are married, understand that your spouse isn’t running for office. He shouldn’t have to meet the approval of all your family and friends. Do not expect everyone to see what you see in each other. To cleave is to stick together. Have you made the commitment to stay together? The secret to cleaving is leaving. “
For this cause shall a man
leave
his father and mother…
” (Mk. 10:7). If you enter into marriage and still keep other options open, whether mental, emotional or physical, it will never work. When the tugging of adversity tries the bonds of your matrimony, you will fall apart. You must leave and cleave to your spouse. It is so unhealthy to cleave to someone other than your spouse for support. Now we all need wholesome friendships. However, none should have more influence over you than your spouse (after God). Some of you could save your marriages if you would leave some of these extramarital ties and cleave to your companion!

It is not always a matter of feelings. We use this verse about other things, so why not about marriage? Romans 1:17 says, “
For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith.
” Believe God for your marriage! It will not be your feelings that heal your relationship; it will be your faith. Did you know that you cannot trust your own feelings? I counsel people all the time who sit with tears streaming down their weary faces and say, “I just can’t trust him.” I’ve got news for you. You can’t trust yourself either! Your feelings will swing in and out, but your faith will not move. Cleaving implies that you don’t want to get away. A marriage erodes like the banks of a river do—a little each day. There is a certain way a woman treats a man when she is fulfilled. It takes faith to treat a marriage that is frustrating with the same respect you would treat the prosperous relationship. I am simply saying many times you feel yourself holding back who you would like to be so you can maintain this strong exterior. Listen, do not allow another person to cause you to play a role that isn’t really who you are. I realize that many of you may be in the middle of an awful relationship, but I can’t counsel what I can’t see. For specific needs, I recommend pastoral care and counseling. Nevertheless, I do want to warn you that suppressing the gentle side of you as a defense will not stop you from being hurt! If you suppress who you are, you will fall into depression! It is terrible to arrest who you are in an attempt to “fight fire with fire.” The best way to fight fire is with water! The winning way of a woman is not in her words, it is in her character.

Y
our feelings will swing in and out, but your faith will not move.

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV)

For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
1 Peter 3:5-6 (NIV)

Recently, while teaching a seminar, a lady raised her hand and said, “I am a widow. I lost my husband and he died unsaved.” She was obviously wrestling with grief as she spoke. She continued, “I claimed First Peter 3:1 and at the end of his life he still was not saved.” I responded, “That Scripture doesn’t mean that the responsibility of getting the husband saved rests on the wife. It just says that a submissive, quiet woman creates an atmosphere so he may be won.” I rebuked the condemning spirit of guilt and she worshiped God under the anointing of the Holy Spirit. This passage of Peter’s is not given to abuse women; it is given to instruct them about what works well in the home. Faith is not loud and fleshly; it is quiet and spiritual. Believe me when I say it is effective. No one can do anything to make another person be saved. You can’t make them come home. You can’t make someone love you. But you can create an atmosphere where your conduct is not undermining your prayers!

F
aith is not loud and fleshly; it is quiet and spiritual.

Women tend to be vocal while men tend to be physical. Women feel that everything needs to be discussed. Communication is crucial to a healthy relationship; it is just that men don’t always talk with words. Men communicate through touch even in male-to-male relationships. A pat on the back, a two-handed handshake, means “I like you.” Some think that men always communicate through sex. That isn’t always the case. A coach playfully slaps a basketball player on the rump. He is not being sexual. He is saying, “Good job!” We must learn each other’s method of communication. Instead of always feeling like you are neglected, ask your husband to share with you why he does what he does. Or better still, observe his method of communication and teach him yours. In all your getting, get understanding! (see Prov. 4:7) It is terrible to be misunderstood! I am a giver. Whenever I feel affection, the first thing I want to do is buy a gift for my wife. I was shocked to find that although my wife will acknowledge the gifts, she will go into orbit over cards! To me this is insane! She keeps cards that are so old they’ve turned yellow. I read cards and enjoy them, but I seldom keep them. We spent the first few years of our marriage teaching each other our language.

Your spouse may really think he’s telling you something that you keep complaining about not getting. He feels like, “What more does she want? I told her that I married her. I did this and that and the other.” You may be living in the Tower of Babel. That was the place where families divided because they could not understand each other’s language. Sit down and learn each other’s language before frustration turns your house into the Tower of Babel. At Babel all work ceased and arguing began. If you are arguing, it is because frustration exists between you. People who don’t care don’t argue. No one argues over what they would rather leave!

When you approach your husband, do not corner him. Catch him at a time when he won’t feel interrogated. You would be surprised at how men tend to avoid open confrontation. I have seen big burly macho men intimidated about telling their 100-pound wives they are going to do something they fear the wives will not like. Even men who are physically abusive still have moments when they feel anxiety about facing their wives. “
It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house
” (Prov. 25:24). Unless you are trying to drive him away, remember you could win the argument and still lose the man. Men’s communication is different. I am not suggesting that men can’t learn the communication method of their wives. I am merely saying that spouses must learn to appreciate each other’s language. Remember, I briefly discussed faith for your marriage. Faith calls those things that are not as though they were (Rom. 4:17). Everything you were going to do for him when he changes, do it now and do it by faith. Then God will turn your Tower of Babel into a Pentecost! At Pentecost each person heard the message in their own language (Acts 2:6). I pray that God would interpret the language of your spouse and that your love be fruitful and productive.

E
verything you were going to do for him when he changes, do it now by faith.

And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard Thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
Genesis 3:9-10

Take it off—take it all off! No, not your clothes! It’s the fig leaves that must go. Marriage is at its best when both parties can be naked and not be ashamed. It is important that your husband be able to take it off, to take it all off. There is no resting place for the man who hides in his own house. The Lord asked Adam, “Where art thou?” When men are restored to their rightful place in the home, the family will come out of chaos. Listen as Adam exposes the tendency of most men to avoid open confrontation. These are the four points of his confession: (a) I heard Thy voice. (b) I was afraid. (c) I was naked. (d) I hid myself. When you become confrontational, it’s not that men don’t hear you. But when men become afraid or exposed (naked), they have a tendency to hide. Marriage needs to be transparent. Fear will not heal, it will only hide. Both you and your spouse need to be able to expose your vulnerabilities without fear or condemnation. Woe to the man who has no place to lay his head.

W
hen men become afraid or exposed, they have a tendency to hide.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Genesis 2:25

I want to share something with you that may sound unorthodox. I pray it will bless someone. I want to stop by Delilah’s house (Judg. 16:4-20). Most women would not want to stop at her house; most men would! Most men are not afraid of Delilah; most women do not like her. Her morals are inexcusable, but her methods are worth discussing. There are some things that every wife could learn, must learn, from Delilah. With all the colorful exegesis of our preachers who have described her as some voluptuous love goddess, they say she walked like a swinging pendulum, smelled like the richest incense and smiled like the glow of an exquisite candelabra. In actuality the Bible says nothing about her appearance. Her clothing, makeup or hairstyle are not mentioned. What was it about this woman that was so powerful? What was it that attracted and captivated the attention of this mighty man, Samson? What was it about this woman that kept drawing him back to her arms? What was it about this woman that, when none of the warriors could get to Samson, the Philistine government put her on the payroll because of what she knew about men? What was it that made Samson keep going back to her bed even when he knew she was trying to kill him? He could not leave her alone—he desperately needed her. It is a “fatal attraction” in the Old Testament!