Women and Men (137 page)

I had had the time to talk with the young man in the terminal who would not go away, but I was here in my car instead. I knew that the
Bhagavad-Gita
was a Hindu poem, a sacred text I was almost certain. Come to think of it, I knew it was conversations between two persons, a god and, I believe, a warrior. I had not felt called upon to read the book. I knew pretty much what I would find. My personal view is that there are many gods, and when we organize and rank them we go too far, we ask too much of them.

I saw my fellow passengers with such clarity that I might have suspected I could enter their bodies if I had not felt the opposite. A black woman in a red coat unwrapped a candy bar and watched a girl with a scout-green knapsack on a metal frame enter the car. Two mustachioed youths sat down, lighted cigarettes, and got up and left the car. An older couple—two older couples —sat in the far half of the car facing my way. A flaxen-haired woman who looked like my wife and had a slightly broken nose glanced across the aisle at me, held my glance, and gave me a smile. A man in a white helmet had wheeled his bicycle along the platform and was arguing with a conductor. Two men wearing glasses settled down with heavy-looking loose-leaf notebooks and, exchanging names of men they knew, talked for all our benefit as if the train were already rumbling along. A black woman entered the car, found the first black woman, and sat down with her. One had an old Macy’s shopping bag, the other a brown canvas bag like a blue one of mine in which I carry athletic gear.

The doors closed, the train moved, and I felt I could see anything I wanted to see. The man in the helmet stood on the platform like a trooper, his bicycle pointed in the direction our train was moving. I heard what sounded like a cat’s angry squall at a distance and knew it was someone’s zipper close by. The train’s movement was like the tunnel we were moving through, and the loud voices of the two men with the notebooks talking guidelines receded.

I hummed a chorus of an old tune, "It’s Just the Nearness of You"; those were very likely the only words of it I recalled. The flaxen-haired woman across the aisle smiled, and I asked her if it was going to be a good day, and we seemed to find that funny.

I reported to her that a young man with a copy of the
Bhagavad-Gita
had tried to convert me in the station, and the woman asked why I assumed he was trying to convert me. But then she raised a hand gently and said, "No, no, of course he was."

"Wait a second," I said. "You didn’t mean that."

"Oh I guess I didn’t know why you were telling me," the woman said, and looked down at the cover of a magazine in her lap.

"What are all these people doing traveling out to Westchester at half past eleven on a weekday morning?" I said.

The woman opened the magazine as if we were old friends, in fact as casually as my wife would turn the page of a magazine if we were traveling together—indeed just as she had done on the one occasion when she had come with me to visit the man I was going to see today. I swung my shopping bag from the seat beside me to the floor. Well, I was not quite empty-handed journeying out to see this after all wise and interesting man, but perhaps he would have a laugh or two in store for me.

The flaxen-haired woman looked at a page and barely glanced at me so that she seemed to be turning against the resistance of that small, abrupt angle where her nose had been broken.

I had bought my wife a Christmas present on the way to the train, a last-minute inspiration. Standing in the crowded subway I had felt time warming me, exciting me to a point of common happiness—holiday time. On the subway platform as I had gotten off, a man was singing. But he might have been screaming, to judge from the pain in a woman’s face as she climbed the stairs. He had been singing well and singing for us all. I had wanted to speak to him, give him something; but that wasn’t his idea.

I had my wife’s gift in a shopping bag. I had my doubts, which I don’t have when I buy things for my children. My doubts are that nothing I buy my wife can express my feelings for her. I love her looks and her humor. I fear my reactions to her moods and her commands. She is a hard person to shop for, and the nightgown or brooch I buy her can’t match, let’s say, the hand-carved, bass wood canoe paddle my wife produces for me on Christmas Eve.

That was worth telling the man I was on my way to see, for maybe once upon a time he had had the same experience. I would not wish to pry. Certainly not into the tragedy that had come to him apparently around the time I had first made his acquaintance.

Often I had bent his ear so that we didn’t know where the time had gone. I had told him all my stories. Once I had killed a burglar with a half-full bottle of apple juice in accidental self-defense and had had to go to court and could not believe that I had done what I had done. Another year I had hit a school crossing-guard, an unmarried woman in a yellow slicker and a pert, novel type of cap, who had stepped like an actress or an apparition out from behind a rental van as I approached an intersection and when I hit her I seemed to knock her back into the slot she had emerged from. My father had had a long, hopeless illness but had then shocked us all by suddenly dying. It seemed to have been a hard life all around, but I couldn’t believe this, and I was at least glad to hear myself say so to the man I was traveling out to see.

He knew me, I guess, and it was a pleasure to talk to him on these visits I paid him from time to time. I asked him if he would retire completely. He didn’t know. I suggested he come into town for a play I would get tickets for, but he felt he would rather not—as if it weren’t a good idea.

In the train window, the tops of the trees made a movie of the low winter sun. They divided endlessly the distance between me and where I was going.

The flaxen-haired woman smiled at what she was reading. The conductor told us the next stop over the loudspeaker. I thought that from time to time you have to come up with something. My host had said this.

My wife had asked to come with me in April soon after I had met him. She had sat in one comfortable corner of the room, the study it was—and she was both between me and my host and beyond us. A memorable visit. In amicable fashion, we had gotten onto my nature and my wife’s periodic spells (to put, no doubt, too explicit a label to it). We could not decide if she had been frozen out by me from time to time, or what. What the devil do I mean
we could not decide?
A bell had rung and our host excused himself and was heard at the other end of the house saying, "Put them there," loudly as if the person was coming in from outdoors; then there were scuffing noises and a faint concussion. Our host didn’t come back and I pulled out an old medical text and asked my wife if she’d like something to read, which for some reason is a joke between us. Our host came back into the room and stood at the door rolling his head at us with mysterious humor, secretly powerful, even if not for us. We resumed, and presently a clock struck somewhere. The clock had made us aware of the house.

My wife sat straight up on the edge of the couch. In the end, as we were leaving and after I had phoned for a cab, she asked in her own abrupt way a personal question.

"Are you married?" she said.

Our host smiled his crooked, courteous smile.

"I was," he said. "I was until a few weeks ago."

My wife looked from him to me. He told us what had happened. His wife had fallen from a ladder in the garage, had hurt her leg and died of a blood clot. A freak accident.

‘Thirty-five years," he said. "Just like that. It’s a lifetime," he said, still with the smile in the manner of the quiet host who says he’s glad you were able to make it.

"Damn," he said; "damn, damn, damn."

He raised his hand, and, unsteady on his feet for a moment, he snapped his hand to one side—an idiosyncrasy of his that brushed away irritation or that said, Well, that’s over with.

A door shut heavily, the impact came through the air as if that room, wherever it was, was sealed with carpets and drapes. But passing out through what might have been a waiting room in this wing of the house, we found an extraordinarily fat woman sitting on the couch smoking, staring straight ahead. And I remember a new car was parked in the driveway. Then our cab came.

I had wanted to see him again, I mean at once. I wanted to know what he had thought of us.

My wife said, "He didn’t like me, I could see that."

I had smelled the spring and, as we passed a green golf course that rose like a meadow away from the road, my wife leaned on me and kissed me on the cheek.

She wondered if he had children. Of course, he must, she said. I said, Oh yes. She thought he’d had a quick drink, probably a stiff one, while we were waiting for him to come back. She made an observation or two on the constant threat of immaturity and on the need to keep the parts of one’s life distinct. "But I didn’t think he liked me; I came between you," she said, and she clasped her hands in her lap. "He’s really quite a charming man," she said. "I’m terribly hungry, how about you?" I remember her words.

I didn’t ask him about himself. We kept it at a different level. I was in the middle of my life, if I could stay in. I mentioned a friend I had had who had let me know I held back too much; I should open with him more about my life. That is, our friendship depended on it. Naturally I came to find this view precious, not to say a pain. He wanted to know what my relationship was with a woman whom we both knew. As if what my revered friend did not know about my life waited secretly between us—call it misdemeanors accumulating interest unspeakable into my life whose integrity needed him. I have said too much too fast, as if I were short of time. My host once observed that I had a somewhat formal style of speaking.

Other friends I spoke of not so much as of my wife and of my two children, now at their different levels nearly grown. My wife, I said. The words are said less easily nowadays. I think my wife has found a spark in me. I had come to know my family better through my conversations with this semi-retired doctor. Not that he said much. But my family became so comforting to me in his presence that I would see my daughters with a distinctness that hurt, at the same time that I saw them stand up strong, truthful, unharmed, and independent, while I saw the finest brushmarks in my wife’s hair after she had drawn it back so tightly it shone like a reflection.

Which is the journey, which the destination? The train I had so often taken recalled such things. The woman across the aisle did not look up when I put on my overcoat.

I left the train, crossed the platform, and passed down an icy ramp. Like a resident I carried the shopping bag with my wife’s Christmas present. I gave the strange cab driver the address, and he named the person I was going to see.

The driver was big and fat and, below his thick, gray hair, his skin had a powdery softness infinitesimally wrinkled. We passed the golf-course sign and we passed a white lawn with colored figures on it. Again I saw what I wanted to see. I had been irritated with the driver because in speaking the name of the person I was going to see he seemed to pry. I made conversation. I asked if he had his snows on. He said that on bad days he used chains too; you could waste two hours spinning your wheels in driveways, and he said something else which went right out of my head because we had approached the house and I wondered why the hell I had come, and I believe that instead of responding to whatever the man had said I said perfunctorily that I didn’t know.

Behind me were the subway train and the railroad train, throw in some angry bicyclist with his bicycle, and now a taxi. I could not check my thoughts. I wondered if my wife was seeing someone and was reluctant to tell me. And would she if I asked? Or would she only if I didn’t ask? Because my host understood often without asking. I would tell him a joke, I would tell him he was not going to like what I was about to say, I would tell him the truth that I had almost not come and I would ask if he thought Christmas upset your biorhythms and if there
were
such things, and I would throw in the Jesus kids Saturday night; I would tell why I’d be damned if I’d answer the kid with the
Bhagavad-Gita
in Grand Central, and I would reiterate my notion that there are many gods who preside in the things that touch us and move us, gods we look up and down to, gods we enlist the support of, and I recalled the gambler in Anchorage who staked what he didn’t possess, lucky as a god and driven like a god. And I would add that—to quote one of the old polymaths—Pascal, Emerson, my daughter would know what I was recalling—when we most fly those gods, then they are most our fuel, or something to that effect—it had gods in it.

One of them drove too close to me on a three-lane northbound artery looking for trouble and when I yelled at him he shook his head deafly and grinned, and another came up behind him and they two took off around the next curve and must have vanished at the next exit in pursuit of each other or some such nonsense. I would tell my host all this and more and would tell how in the train I’d suddenly known I would see what I wanted to see; and I would talk about my wife as if she were there with us.

All right, I was bringing him some pretty good stuff today; I saw him smile inwardly at this. I felt better, and, as if experiencing difficulty in getting out of the cab, I could not for a moment get my hands on the right money to give the driver. I left him and he left me at the entrance to the driveway. Two cars were parked in the driveway; one had a Maryland plate and one, I half-noted from its color, was from further away.

The glass panes in the double doors of the garage were frosted over as if with Halloween soap. The sound of the cab receding rose and fell. I felt in my pockets and found a glove in each. I didn’t put them on but bunched one in each hand inside each pocket. My wife was home. I saw her in bed. I didn’t see her face but I heard her voice. She reached one fine hand toward her bed table.

I went across the snowy flagstones to the square flagstone porch, which was like a large doorstep. Two front doors faced at right angles to each other and were adjacent. The left one was locked, so I rang. I rubbed my hands together and heard myself way inside my heavy coat and muffler go, "Ho ho ho," and I dug my hands down into my pockets. Fir trees set the lawn off from the road. A car passed and then another in the same direction. I waited and rang again and wasn’t sure how many times I’d rung. He was on the phone or someone was with him and the door had gotten locked. The winter silence was of Christmas morning or of Sunday. What was missing was in me. I wondered if someday I might heal someone. I rang again.