Wonderland (20 page)

I
opened my eyes. Well, eye. The other one felt swollen shut. Everything was a blur, but it slowly came back into focus. I was tied tightly to a chair, next to Steven. We'd been dragged from the living room into the bedroom, and were both gagged. Our chairs were right next to each other. I could see his beautiful and battered face. “I love you,” I mumbled through the gag.

“How precious!” Nathan was sitting on the bed, watching us. He had the gun in his hand. “This is what passes for love now? Two men? It's foul.” He got to his feet. “You were my friend. I trusted you. And then you tried to touch me. Like I was like you. Like I could ever be like you. I couldn't even look at you without seeing it inside you, like a demon trying to eat me. It had already eaten you.

“And then you met Taylor, and there were two of you. And you seemed so happy, but I knew you weren't. I knew it was all a lie. How could it bring happiness when it was wrong? You were both sick, but you didn't know it. Taylor did though. Taylor knew the only way to fix himself was to die.”

I struggled against the ropes, screaming against the gag. I didn't want to hear this. I didn't want to hear him talking about Taylor. He was pacing, wild-eyed and waving the gun around.

“You know I'm right, Alex. You know how diseased you are. Steven knows. He was crying. Just walking and crying and he told me everything. It didn't take much either. A shoulder to cry on, that's all.

“I'd been watching you, you see. I saw you one day, and you looked so happy, and I knew it couldn't be true. So I started watching you. I was going to use you to prove to the world that you people aren't like everyone else. It's different. You say it's not a lifestyle but look at you: drugs and bars and baths, and all you care about is getting high and getting off.

“Even this one. Oh you should've heard all he said after I got him here, got him tied up. He said he loved you, that he wanted to spend his whole life with you. That's easy enough, neither of you have much time left. But no matter what lies came out of his mouth, it didn't take him long to invite me to his place. Oh sure, he said it was just to talk, but all I had to do was kiss him, and he melted.

“What? Don't look at me like that. I had to do it. It was for a greater good. I let him kiss me, and then invited him over. And then
BAM!
” He smacked me across the face. “Just like that I had him, had you. I was going to make him see that you're just a fag, just like him. You can't love.

“You must have loved it, eh? Being able to go out and get your rocks off, fucking some strange guy, and being able to blame it all on me. You're welcome for that. Allan was more than happy to help me, by keeping an eye on you, by helping me fuck with your head. All he cared about was getting money to get high. Just like the rest of you. Only caring about satisfying his urges.

“Well I have urges too!” He smacked me again, then smacked Steven. “I have the urge to wipe all of you off the face of the earth. You, this one, your ex . . .” He laughed. “Yes, that was just an extra perk. When I found out that the guy you hooked up with at the bathhouse—and really, what kind of normal people have a place just for fucking strangers; oh yeah, you're the same as us. When Allan overheard the two of you talking and I realized that you had banged your ex, oh, that was an even better opportunity. You were so committed to this one here, weren't you?” He grabbed my face, turned my head toward Steven. “Look at him. Tell him how many times you had sex this week! Oh, it was a lot more than the one I made you have, wasn't it?” He ripped my gag out. “Wasn't it?” he screamed. “Tell him!”

“Fuck you, Nathan!”

“Wrong answer!” He brought the butt of the gun down hard on my head. I saw spots.

There was a sudden banging on the door to the apartment. “Alex? Are you in there?” It was Brandon's voice.

Nathan shoved the gag back in my mouth and yanked it tight. “You shut your mouths. Both of you.”

He left the room, and I looked at Steven. He was crying, and the cut on his forehead had opened back up. Blood was dripping down his face.

I could hear Nathan at the door. “Sorry, I don't know any Alex.” I grunted, but it was futile. The gag was too tight.

“But he was here when I left. This is the apartment Allan left from.”

“Oh Allan, yes, I know Allan.” I jumped with my chair, closer to Steven.

“What was Allan doing here?”

I strained against the rope but, again, they were too tight. Steven shook his head at me, a resigned expression on his face.

“He sucks my dick for money.”

“What?” Brandon screeched.

“Oh, didn't you know? He's a great little cocksucker.”

I could hear Brandon scream as Nathan laughed and shut the door. He came back in. “Oh, you fags are so emotional. Your friend there, Brandon is it? He's known that druggie for a week and he's so upset. They don't even really know each other. I know that druggie loser better than he does. Cash and cock, that's all he cared about. Not that they're both not druggie losers. You all are. That's how it all started, didn't it? You going out and getting high.”

He was pacing again as he talked, and stopped in front of Steven. “What do you think, Steven? Do you think your perfect little boyfriend is clean? We already know he was fucked up again this week. Do you think he's got more on him right now? Let's find out.”

He took a step toward me and started going through my pockets. I tried to push him off, but couldn't. “Oh, what's this?” He pulled out the ring box. “Oh look, Stevie. Your little boyfriend was going to propose.” He took the ring out of the box. “Isn't that fucking precious?” He sneered, and then
BAM!
He kicked me in the chest, almost knocking me over. “You sick twisted deviant! How dare you think you can get married? Two men? That's sick. It's wrong, wrong.” He cradled his head in his hands and then let out a roar. “Let's see how it looks, shall we?” He jammed the ring onto Steven's finger. “Look at that. Isn't it wonderful?” He grabbed me by the hair and held my face up to the ring. “Do you Alex take this man?” He reared his head back and spat in my face. It was wet and thick, and I could feel it slowly dripping down my face.

I felt a vibration in my pocket. Nathan must have heard it. He grabbed my phone from my pocket. “Oh, it's just Brandon, looking for you no doubt. Stupid little faggot. Well let's make sure we don't have any more interruptions, okay?” He dropped my phone to the floor and smashed it with the heel of his foot. “Now, where were we?”

H
e ripped the gag out of my mouth and said, “Now behave. No screaming, no fighting, just tell Steven that you're a disgusting creature.”

“Fuck you!” I spat in his face.

He smacked me again. “Wrong answer. Tell your little boyfriend, oh sorry, fiancé now, tell him how sick you are. How much you loved all those drugs in your nose, all that dick up your ass.”

“No.”

He pointed the gun at Steven's head and cocked the hammer. “Tell him, or he dies now.”

“Stop, please!” It didn't even sound like my voice. I was gasping for air, between the tears and the blows, and I just wanted it to stop. “I'll tell him anything you want. Just please, don't hurt him.”

“You're not a man. You're weak and sad.”

“Yes !”

“Why couldn't you have killed yourself like Taylor?”

Hearing his name again ripped the heart from my chest. “Stop saying his name!”

“Does that hurt you? That you were too much of a coward to do what he did? He knew he was a perversion. He knew what you two were doing was wrong.”

“Shut up! He was perfect!”

“He was foul! And he is better off dead! You all would be better off dead, burning in hell where you belong!”

“Why, Nathan? Why do you hate us so much?”

“Because you're sick!” He was screaming, crying. “You're sick!”

“You're the sick one! What? Are you gay and just too much of a fucking coward to admit it? You kissed Steven. You let Allan suck your dick. Just be a fucking man and admit it.”

“Shut up!” He knocked my chair over and straddled me, grabbing my shoulders and banging me against the floor. “Shut up! Shut up! You're the sick ones! You fuck anything! You don't know what love or trust is. All you care about is your dicks!”

“No, that's not true! We—”

“Shut up! It is true! You said you loved this one but you still stuck your dick in any guy that came along. When you were drunk or high. You think that makes it okay? That you can blame it on the drugs? Blame it on the beer? You can't! You have to accept the consequences for what you do! You can't just come into someone's room and touch them! You can't just make them do stuff to you and then apologize in the morning and say it won't happen again! And then it does happen again! You can't do that! It's your fault! It's your fault!” He kept banging the chair against the floor, and I felt the back of the chair break.

“Ah! You're sick!” He jumped to his feet and I could feel that my arms were looser. His banging had freed me. “You need to die!” He pointed the gun at me. “You both need to die! You can't do that to a little boy! It's your fault! It's your fau . . .” I jumped to my feet and tackled him. The gun went flying across the floor. I pulled my arms free as he jumped at me. I was barely aware of Steven struggling in his chair. Nathan was flailing madly, screaming insensibly. I dove for the gun. He grabbed my collar and pulled me back. We both hit the ground. He was on my back, holding me down, and then slammed my head against the floor.

The room spun. I bucked him off. The gun was ahead of me, on the floor, just out of reach. I jerked across the hardwood. “Fucking faggot!” Nathan screamed behind me. My fingers touched the gun, but then Nathan was on me. “You can't! You're sick! It's sick! It's sick!” I felt the handle of the gun in my hand. Nathan was screaming and I saw his fist coming toward my face and then
BANG!

I
lay there, unable to move, barely able to breathe, and then I heard Steven screaming through his gag. I got to my knees. Nathan was on the floor. All I could see was blood. I could feel the vomit rising up inside me, but just when I thought I couldn't hold it back, I heard Steven again.

“Oh my God!” I crawled toward him. His eyes were wide and teary. I pulled the gag from his mouth and kissed his lips.

“Oh my God, thank God, oh Alex, Alex.”

I untied him and he fell into my arms. “Steven, Steven, are you okay? I am so sorry you had to—”

“Don't say anything. I'm just glad it's over. I love you, Alex. I love you.” He was covering my face in kisses.

His tears were hot on my fingers as I cradled his face next to mine. “Is he . . . ?” Steven crawled toward Nathan's body. “Don't touch him!” I couldn't think.

“He's breathing,” Steven said.

“Let's just go! Let's leave!” I helped Steven to his feet and he wrapped his arm around me. “I love you, Steven. I love you.” We fled the apartment, and Steven collapsed on the street outside.

S
aturday morning brunch at the Duchess was a tradition, and the boys were already there when we arrived. Jesse and Colton had brought along the boy they'd taken home from Wonderland the night before. He was a pretty little ginger kid, with a beard that seemed out of place on his baby face. They'd also brought along Walter, which I still had a problem with, but I was willing to overlook what he had done; God knows I had done enough things that were getting overlooked. Brandon was flying solo, having sworn off men in the week since he'd last seen Allan. Dinah and Christopher showed up just as we were sitting down, and there were hugs all around.

“I'd like to propose a toast,” Jesse said, and we all lifted our mimosas. “Congratulations are definitely in order.”

We clinked glasses around the table.

“Hey, did I miss a toast?” Aaron said, joining us.

“Sorry darling,” Jesse said, “but we couldn't wait.”

“Well, let me catch up.” He grabbed a mimosa from a passing waiter and raised his glass. “I just wanted to thank you for inviting me. I know this isn't easy but—”

“Hey! None of that! This is a happy occasion,” Colton said. “You're not the Queen of Hearts here, so sit down and shush.” He stuck out his tongue, and we laughed.

As we sat down, Steven squeezed my hand under the table. It had been his idea to invite Aaron, and I might never understand why. He had insisted though, and I wasn't about to argue with him. I owed him too much for that.

We hadn't talked about what had happened the week he was taken. All he had said was that it didn't matter, that he was just glad to be back with me, and just wanted to put it all behind us. How we were going to do that with Aaron at the brunch table was beyond me, but with the ring on his finger, Steven got his wish.

Nathan had put the ring there, but when we were in bed at home that night, Steven asked me if I meant it. If I had really meant to propose. I said yes. He said yes. And there the ring was, and there it would stay, and as long as it stayed there, Steven could have anything he wanted.

Aaron and I, on the other hand, had talked. He said he understood. He said he knew what it was like, feeling that old feeling, and that he just wanted me to be happy. If Steven made me happy, then that made him happy, he said, and I assured him, Steven made me happy.

As we laughed and tried to make everything seem normal again, I thought about all the unanswered questions I had. Nathan had been unconscious when the police arrived, but since then, his condition had stabilized in the hospital. I wouldn't go see him, even if the police let me. Anything I needed to know would become clear during the trial. If there was a trial.

So he had been hurt as a kid. So what? Steven had heard all about it during his captivity. How his father had raped him. How his father's friends had raped him. How he had obsessed over me for years, making that innocent teenage touch into something so much more evil. Did it matter if he'd been hurt? Did that make everything he had done understandable? Maybe. Maybe not. Was he gay himself? Steven thought so. Did it matter? Maybe. Maybe not. I didn't hate him. He was another broken person. There were too many broken people in the world, and maybe he was more broken than most, but I couldn't fix anyone. Anyone except myself.

And there was a lot inside me I needed to fix. That was something I had learned though this ordeal. When Steven looked at me though, when his eyes lit up with such warmth and love, I knew I'd get there eventually. I squeezed his hand back and smiled.