Wonderland (9 page)

D
inah was already sitting down when I got to the restaurant. She rose to greet me, and after we hugged, she held me by the shoulders. “You look like hell.”

“Thanks. Always what a boy likes to hear.”

“Well, a hag never lies. So what happened?”

“One second.” I waved our server over and ordered a gin.

“Alex, it's noon. That can't be a good sign.”

“It's not.” I brought Dinah up to speed. I told her about Allan accosting me in the hall, about the phone call, about the Ecstasy. I told her about the sex, again not mentioning that it had been with Aaron. I told her about the second phone call, and about Brandon punching me, and about the vandalism at my apartment. By the time I was done filling her in, our lunch had arrived, and I was finishing my second drink.

“It's crazy, Alex. I don't know what to say.”

“Do I go to the cops? They already showed up at Steven's once. Chances are, they've gone back and are looking for him by now.”

“Won't they contact you then?”

“Probably.”

“What will you tell them?”

“What can I tell them, Dinah? It doesn't even seem real when I'm telling you.”

“And you can't bring up the Caterpillar. You don't want to get involved in some big drug investigation.”

“Last thing I want right now.”

“Do you want me to come over and help scrub the paint off?”

“Nope. I'm leaving it.”

“Alex, that's crazy. Why would you want to do that?”

“It's just words, Dinah. Words don't hurt. I won't let them hurt. What hurts is not being able to go to Steven.”

“When is this guy contacting you next?”

“I have no idea. Why?”

“I want to hear him. Put him on speaker.”

“What if he knows? He could hurt Steven more than he already has. More than I already have.”

“He won't be mad at you, Alex.”

“How could he not be?”

“Did you have a choice?”

“Maybe. I mean, how does this guy know what I'm doing? Does he have cameras everywhere? I doubt it. It's too personal to be that high-tech. It's just someone fucking with me, and I can't think of anyone who would hate me this much, but I could have lied. I could have tried at least.”

“You can't know what he's capable of. He's clearly pretty twisted. Don't beat yourself up.” I finished my drink and went to wave the server over. “And stop drinking. That won't help.”

“Thanks for the advice.”

I ordered another drink. Dinah shook her head at me. My phone vibrated on the table.

“Is that him?”

“It's Brandon.”

“You should fix that, too.”

“Fix what? That one, I'm completely innocent on. This kid is psycho clearly.”

“One psycho at a time?”

“That's how I like to keep it.”

“What did he say?”

“Just telling me not to come out tonight.”

“Well that I can agree with!”

“Har dee har har. I'm meeting the twins for wings. I'm not planning on going clubbing.”

“Unless you're forced to.”

“I'm not enjoying this, Dinah.”

“I know, Alex, it's just . . .”

“Just what?”

“He didn't really make you do anything you might not normally do.”

“I wouldn't ever cheat on Steven.”

“But you didn't. Because you didn't have a choice. And Friday, you guys were broken up.”

“What are you saying?”

“Think about it, Alex. He gave you a free pass. Some people could see that as a good thing.”

“I'm not one of those people.”

“I know you're not. But think about it. He has to have a motive. What could it be?”

That was a good question and I had no idea. Once I could figure it out, maybe I would be one step closer to getting Steven back.

I
t had only been six months. I hadn't met everyone in Steven's life, probably. Well, I'd met everyone important. His mom lived upstate, his dad had passed away. His sister and her second husband had a brood of kids. He wasn't really friends with anyone at work, but I'd met them all anyway, his boss, his colleagues, Ugly Angie who answered the phones. There was nothing there, nothing that would make someone do something like this.

Steven was well off, but far from rich, and it didn't seem to be about money anyway. It was about sex, and sex made it personal. But in our personal lives, mine or Steven's, there weren't many people we had let get close. There were Dinah and Christopher of course, the twins, Brandon, whatever boy Brandon brought along to our little outings, be they brunch or movie nights or dancing at Wonderland.

Wonderland. Was there anyone there who'd shown undue interest in Steven? He's hot, everyone showed interest, but had anyone expressed it too much? Not that I'd ever noticed, and I would have noticed. I was a bit jealous, Steven said, and he would laugh sometimes at the way I would all of a sudden pop up at his side as he talked to some random hottie at the bar, putting my arm around him to make sure he knew I was there, to make sure the stranger knew that I was there, that I was his.

That was funny to think of, me being jealously possessive over Steven. The twins. Aaron. What was I doing? Dinah was right, I had gone from wanting to propose to a threeway with Wonderland's wonder twins awfully fast. Of course, to Dinah, the whole thing was awfully fast.

“Six months,” she had said. “You've been together for six months.”

“I know, but it feels right.”

“It sounds ridiculous. Just because gay marriage is legal now doesn't mean you have to run out and get gay married.”

Was that it? No. Sure, Aaron and I would have been married if we'd been able to, because that's what you do in your mid-twenties when you've been with someone that long. You get married. And that's what I wanted. A white-picket-fence fantasy of domestic bliss. Maybe that would quiet the voice in my head, the one I ignored as much as I could. The one that questioned if everything was too good to be true, the one that thought I didn't deserve the fairy tale. The one that thought that faggots didn't deserve those kind of happy endings. Taylor's voice.

“No,” I had told her. “It's not ridiculous. It's romantic. And Steven will say yes, and it's going to be amazing. You'll see, Dinah. I'm going to get the ring today.”

And I had. I'd gotten the ring. And the more I thought about that ring in my pocket, the heavier it felt. And then I thought I was turning thirty, and that was a heavy thought too. And that's how I had ended up at Wonderland for a drink, and that's how I had ended up talking to the Caterpillar, and that's how I had ended up coked-up with Sean Cody.

And the next day, that was how Steven found the drugs, and that led to the fight, which had led us here, and I had no idea where he was or who could have taken him. I just knew I had to find him, had to show him that I meant what the ring meant, that we were ready for our happy ending, and that I was ready to really put all that behind me.

So who could have him, and whoever it was, why would they want me to go to a bathhouse and fuck? And of all people, why did it have to be Aaron? Why didn't I try to lie first? Why did I get high and let him fuck me? Well, I wasn't even high. That's the part that was sticking in my head. The E had worn off when he looked at me with that look, when he talked in that voice. It wasn't even about doing what some crazy guy on the phone told me. It wasn't about Steven.

It was about being naked with Aaron, and what did that mean about the ring in my pocket?

I
went home after lunch, and when I got there, the building's resident manager/landlord was standing outside my door.

“What's this then?” he asked me, pointing toward the writing.

“I have no clue, Mr. Carroll. I came home last night and found it.”

“And I got a phone call today from your neighbor about noise again.”

“You know the Walrus complains about anything.”

He tried not to smile, but it crept up anyway. “Mr. Carpenter,” he said, emphasizing the name, “does get a little particular at times, but clearly, there's some problem going on.”

“Well, I've never hid the fact I'm gay.”

“And I don't care. What do the kids say these days? Haters gonna hate? I'll get this paint off your door. But has there been anything else? Anything I need to know about?”

“Nothing I can think of.”

“Well, if something else happens, you let me know.” He turned to walk away.

“Hey, Mr. Carroll,” I called after him. “We don't have security cameras on the front door, do we?”

“No. Why?”

“Just curious.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “If you're sure.”

I unlocked my apartment door. On the floor, underneath the door, was a piece of paper. It was another flyer for the Queen of Hearts show coming up on Friday. I looked at the back. Someone had written “you're invited.” I threw it out.

I wasn't in the mood for drag shows. Not even the Queen of Hearts. She'd started performing at Wonderland in the summer, and taken the city's scene by storm. She was statuesque, flawless, and mysterious. She'd sashay into the club, do a number, maybe two, often with sexy backup (or in the case of the weekend before, sketchy backup like Allan), and then she'd be gone. All she ever went by was the Queen of Hearts, no other name, and no one ever saw her out of drag.

I remembered the first time I'd seen her. Steven and I had been together for about a month, and it was one of those pre-Pride parties that are supposed to start building up excitement and promoting all the actual Pride parties coming up. It was a little early, we'd thought, only late April, but what the hell! The twins had scored us all VIP passes and so away we'd gone.

“I think they got their parties confused,” Steven had said as we walked down the stairs and were met by what could only be called a Valentine's party. Shimmering red hearts of all sizes descended from the ceiling, twirling on silver string. “What is this party again?”

Jesse looked at the passes in his hand. “They just say drag show. Look.” He handed them to us. They were a simple flyer, two fierce eyes, wide and made up, with lightning bolts for irises.

“Well, let's grab a table close, and see what all the fuss is.”

Wonderland was more a dance club than a show bar normally, and I was pretty excited to see a show. Aaron and I used to go to the drag shows every long weekend back home, and this was my first one since I'd moved. There may have been a few queens out and about at Pride the year before but that weekend was a gin-soaked blur and didn't count.

Brandon was serving on the floor, all shiny black shorts that hugged his delicious ass, and a three of hearts playing card painted on his torso, the bottom of the heart pointed down, across his six-pack and to the bulge of his crotch.

“Got it memorized yet?” Colton asked me, and I jerked my gaze away, immediately glancing guiltily at Steven, who laughed.

“Stare away,” he said. “It's healthy to look. Just as long as you're coming home with me.”

“Oh I am,” I said, and kissed him in a way that left no doubt.

“You guys could always take him home to share,” Jesse said. “He's fun.”

“You've had him?”

“A couple times. When he first started here.”

“Well, no thanks, guys,” Steven said, and I nodded along with him, “we don't need that to keep it fun in the bedroom.”

“Yet,” Jesse said with a wink. “You've only been together a month. I bet you haven't even tied each other up yet.”

I choked on my drink. Jesse and Colton didn't really believe in anything private, and I still wasn't used to it.

“Or maybe you have,” he added, grinning. I felt my face flush and felt Steven kick me under the table. We'd only tried it once.

A thunderous overture began to play, putting an end to the conversation. The room went dark, and I felt a hand on my crotch. “Steven?” I whispered.

“Nope!” Jesse laughed, pulling his hand away.

Lights exploded onto the stage, onto four shirtless dancers standing there, hearts painted onto their bodies. The music picked up speed, and fog began to spill across the stage, and from overhead, a spotlight began to dance along the sparkling red-and-silver mylar backdrop. And then she emerged from the fog, a vision in red sequins, black hair, white skin, and legs for days! She sang then, live, a song that was both heartbreaking and sensual. I was captivated.

After the opening number, which ended with the queen being carried by her dancers, she grabbed her microphone and stepped out into the audience.

“Ladies and gentlemen, and gentlemen who are ladies, welcome to my debut! I am the Queen of Hearts, all hearts, even the broken ones. Tell me, are there any broken hearts out there tonight?” There were a few cheers. “Tell me,” she said to a man cheering in the front row, “How did your heart break?”

He told some sob story about a cheating boyfriend, and she made some joke, and everyone laughed. Then she went to the next table, and the next. And then segued into a dancier song that involved a glitter cannon exploding all over the stage. As the glitter fell, she grabbed her microphone and said, “Let's talk about happy hearts now. Who here is madly in love?”

“Oh, these two right here!” Jesse yelled out, pointing down at Steven and me.

“And such a handsome couple they are!” she said. “Tell me, what's your name?” She stuck her microphone in Steven's face.

“Steven,” he said, grinning, blushing.

“And who's this?” She placed her hand on my shoulder.

“That's my boyfriend, Alex.”

“And how long have you been together?”

“A month.”

“Oh, just newlyweds! And tell me, Alex, is this a love match?”

My face was on fire, but I didn't hesitate. “Oh yes!”

“Well isn't that wonderful! We love to see happy endings here. Speaking of happy endings,” she said, and she segued into another dance number.

Steven squeezed my hand. “I love you, crazy.”

It was the first time either of us had said it. And I didn't think twice about saying it back. “I love you, too.” As we kissed, I saw the Queen of Hearts smiling down on us.