Word and Breath (33 page)

Connor’s mind.

Riana must have known his identity, but Mikel couldn’t be angry with her. It wasn’t her secret she’d been keeping.

Connor hadn’t shown any sort of reaction. “So now you’re going to hold over our heads my identi—”

“Stop it,” Riana cut in, her voice sharp with annoyance. “Just stop it. Both of you. This isn’t the time to play top-dog.
I’ll
decide what I want to do and what’s best for me. Anyway, we’ve got other things to worry about now.”

Mikel bit off his angry response to Connor, out of respect for Riana, not out of any sort of submission.

He could see Connor was doing the same thing, swallowing the confrontation until another time.

That time was coming. Both of them knew it.

But Riana’s tight expression kept them from pursuing it now.

The conversation shifted into more casual small-talk, and Riana got up onto the couch to sit by Mikel. She didn’t say anything, but she studied his face intently, as if she were trying to figure out what he was thinking.

He gave her a rueful smile, which she responded to immediately, reaching out to squeeze his hand again.

Needing some assurance, he opened a connection.

He felt her appreciation for him and her desire to be close.

But, this time, he also tasted her doubts.

He looked at her with a jerk of his head as she gently pulled her hand away from him.

And he suddenly knew—he
knew
—that things weren’t going to go as he’d planned.

She was torn. Not about her feelings for him, but about what she needed to do next.

Connor was writing something in a notebook, but now he glanced over and said casually, “Riana, can you look at this for me and tell me if it looks suspicious?”

She took the notebook he offered, scanning over the paragraph of handwriting. “Looks great. I’d never have suspected anything. You’re really good at this.”

Her smile for Connor was friendly, nothing intimate or tender. Mikel knew she only thought of him as her friend.

Connor himself wasn’t the threat. His idealistic mission of reform was.

Riana must have read his body language because she reached back over to take his hand. She pressed it gently, so he triggered the connection again—this time more warily.

His mind surged with how much she cared about him, needed him, wanted him around. She was obviously making an effort to share all of these feelings with him.

It was heady, intoxicating—the delicious taste of Riana’s affection—but he knew it wasn’t all there was inside her.

Despite his weakened physical condition, he pulled his hand away and stood up.

Mikel had done what he’d done for Riana, and he didn’t regret it at all. But she was going to have to make a choice in the near future, and he might not be what she chose.

He would bend as much as he could in order to keep Riana happy, but his nature had certain limits. He couldn’t be part of the Front. He would never support their mission or submit to their leader.

Mikel loved Riana.

But there were some things he just couldn’t do.

***

When Mikel left the room, a wave of fear slammed into Riana. He may have just gotten up for an innocuous reason, but something about his set features told her something was wrong.

She knew Mikel and Connor would always be at odds, and she was worried about how Mikel would react when she told him what she wanted to do now, which she’d decided by the time they’d gotten back to the apartment earlier that day.

Besides, Mikel was injured and shouldn’t be walking at all.

With a quick look at Connor—who was staring at her with worried sympathy—Riana followed Mikel into the kitchen.

“Are you mad?” she asked, going over to where he stared out the window.

He glanced down at her and gave her a half-smile, his skin slightly damp with perspiration. “No. I’m not mad.”

“You should lie back down. You’re not in good shape.”

“I’m fine.” Despite his predictable words, he winced when he moved his shoulder, and he compromised his stoic machismo enough to prop some of his weight against the kitchen table.

Riana grew more nervous. She wanted to run away and hide from this discussion, but that wouldn’t be fair to either of them. Leaning back against the table next to Mikel, she prompted, “So.”

He stared out the window at the late afternoon activity on the street and didn’t say anything.

“Mikel? Do you want to tell me about your dramatic, broody exit just now?”

He let out a huff of ironic laughter at her choice of words, but his eyes were serious as they met hers. “I think you know.”

She knew exactly what he was talking about but, to suppress the knot of panic that tightened inside her, she hedged, “You know how I feel about you.”

His impatient glance told her he knew she’d understood him the first time. “And you know how I feel. And I’d rather not let all of
that
get in the way of us.” He gestured toward the living room to indicate the “that.”

“I know.” Riana turned to stare out the window too, trying to calm her irrational fear that everything was about to fall apart on her in an instant.

“You know I don’t follow the Front’s agenda. I don’t care about many of their causes, and I don’t believe in any of their ideals. Some of them—Tava, Donn—have been quite decent to me. I recognize that and appreciate it. And I know they helped you, which is important to me.”

Mikel’s voice was urgent—as if he really wanted her to understand—but the words seemed to bounce off Riana’s consciousness. Her vision started to darken slightly on the edges. She knew the words that would come next.

“But I can never be part of it.”

“You haven’t even given it a chance,” Riana said softly.

“I don’t need to. It’s not who I am. I’m not a reformer or a freedom fighter. You know that about me. I just can’t be that person.”

She had known that. The same thing that attracted her to the Front would always push Mikel away. “I don’t want you to be that person. I just want you to be you.”

Mikel took her hand in his again and stroked her palm with his thumb. “I was fine working with them to get your sister back, but there’s no reason for us to get caught up in all of this now. It’s pointless. And dangerous. For you even more than for me.”

Swallowing hard, Riana willed herself to breathe through the sense of impending loss. He’d told her last night when he’d soothed her to sleep what he wanted to happen next. Last night, she’d thought it might be nice.

“Let’s get out of here,” Mikel said. He was too weak to move from his position propped against the table, but he took her by the shoulders to shift her until she was standing in front of him. His dark eyes were mesmerizing, and his voice irresistibly earnest as he continued, “You need to get away to where it’s safe. And I’m not convinced some country estate is the safest place for you. Let me get you away from the Union completely. Let’s go to a free island, like I said last night. You can be safe. You can finally relax. We can be happy.”

“But Jannie—”

“Jannie can come too, of course. I want you to have anything that will make you happy.” His eyes were so deep and tender her throat closed up as he lifted one hand to cover her cheek. “You don’t need all of the rest of this, Riana. Let me make you happy.”

She wanted it so much. She wanted to just give in, sink into Mikel’s strength and tenderness and let it define the rest of her life.

But it wasn’t what she needed.

Mikel was who he was. But so was she. Over the last weeks, she’d finally understood her own nature and what she needed to do. She’d known it for sure that afternoon when she’d clobbered the guy with the butt of a gun because he’d threatened Jannie and Connor.

She couldn’t help but lean her cheek against Mikel’s warm hand. “I can’t. Not now anyway. I need…I need purpose. I need answers.” When he opened his mouth to object, she spoke over him. “It’s my birthright, Mikel. My grandfather left this for me to do. And, even if he hadn’t, there’s this empty place inside of me. It’s been there a long time. I need it to be filled.”

For just a moment, as Mikel’s eyes cut over to the wall connecting to the living room, bitterness flashed visibly in his expression. “And Connor is the one who can fill it?”

She made a frustrated sound in her throat. “If all I needed was a man to fill it, of course it would be you. Mikel, you know how I feel about you.”

She’d shared her feelings with him—over and over again. The connection she had with him was more intimate than any she’d ever experienced, but she’d felt safe doing it anyway. She’d felt loved.

“I know,” he acknowledged. “I’m sorry I implied otherwise. I know it’s not just about him. But he wants to take you away from me, and I can’t help resenting him for it.”

“He wants the best for me.”

Mikel snarled faintly and looked so adorable in his displeasure that she was tempted to hug him.

She didn’t. “He does, Mikel. You have different ideas about what the best thing for me is, but I won’t let you imply that Connor’s motivations are anything but good.”

After shifting his position against the table, Mikel muttered under his breath. She knew it was from his continued discomfort and the frustration of not bouncing back to full health immediately. “So what do you want to do?” he asked.

“I want to stay. At least for now. I want to see if I can translate that book. I want to find answers about what my grandfather left me to do. I want to know what all of this means. I want to help people. I want—I need—to do
good
.”

Mikel took her face in both of his hands, the way he always did before he kissed her. “I can’t be part of the Front.”

It hurt. So much. Even though she’d known it was coming. Her face twisted as she fought against tears. “Okay. That’s your choice. I’m…I’m really sorry to lose you.”

He made a rough sound in his throat. “Riana, you’re not losing me.”

“I’m not?”

“Of course not. You need to do what you need to do. I’m not going to stand in the way of it. I’d rather you do something else, but I’m not giving up on us. I didn’t find you only to lose you.”

She swallowed, feeling a surge of encouragement. “So…so you’re not leaving me?”

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her, opening a connection that left them both breathless. Leaning his head against her forehead, he murmured, “Of course I’m not leaving you. Am I crazy? But it’s going to be hard. Connor is going to want to take advantage of what I can do for the Front, and I won’t want to help him. So we’re always going to be at odds. I’ll be here. And, whatever you want me to do, I’ll do. Except be part of the Front.”

Her hands fisted in his thick hair. “That’s fine. That’s fine. You don’t have to be part of it. I just want you with me.”

He pulled her into a one-armed hug, taking care with his injured shoulder. “I’ll be with you. I’m not going anywhere. I was serious last night about marrying you, if that’s what you want.”

She stiffened slightly but didn’t pull away from the embrace. “I think it’s too soon for that. You know how I feel, but so much has happened in such a short time. I need to figure out who I am first. I need to get more…settled. Then, if it’s still right for both of us…”

He was disappointed. She could feel it in his body. But he just buried his face in her hair and said, “Okay. I can wait.”

Then he tilted her head back to kiss her again. She couldn’t seem to pull away. She sensed exactly what he was feeling—his love, his concern about her decision, his deep tenderness, the unbreakable iron in his nature. She could feel it in his touch, in his breath, in the heat from his body. She didn’t need a Breather’s gift to know it for sure.

“Are you sure you’re all right with this, Mikel?” she asked hoarsely as she pulled away. “I know it’s not what you want. I know it will be hard for you. I don’t want to take advantage of you or—“

“Shh,” he interrupted, covering her mouth with his fingertips. “Riana, don’t be ridiculous. No, it’s not exactly what I wanted, but it’s so much better than anything I’ve ever had before.”

“Really?”

“You have no idea what my life was like before. I’m not a good man, and I can’t be like Connor, always trying to make the world better. But, if you want to help him, if you want to do something good, then I want you to do that. I’m not about to let you go. The only good in my life—the only good I’ve ever known—is you.”

She was almost crying when he finished talking, choking on emotion so strong she could barely process it. He reached out again, and his touch tingled on her face. They shared the feeling in the connection.

Then he finally dropped his hand.

Suddenly, she realized how weak he looked. For a moment, she thought he might faint. “You need to lie down,” she said, wrapping her arm around his waist and urging him into a walk. “I’d never be able to pick you up if you fall down, and then Connor would have to come help you. You’d hate that.”