Words Left Unsaid (18 page)

Chapter Twenty-Three

Kiara

My phone rings. I look at the number.
Heather
. My heart pounds faster as I press answer. Has she finally come to her senses and given up on this stupid idea of looking after Aiden?

“Hello,” I say, my voice calm. I vow not to have an argument—unless she starts one first.

“Kiara, it’s Aiden.”

A chill races down my spine. Her voice shakes, and I can tell she’s been crying. This isn’t good.

“What is it? Is he okay?” I ask. I’m already grabbing my keys and my purse. I remember Tilly is sitting in her bedroom, playing with her dolls, and my heart sinks. If something is wrong, do I take her in to see him? “Heather, what is it?” I repeat, needing answers.

“He’s back in the hospital, and his condition has deteriorated. They’re not sure he’s going to make it through the night. They think he had a stroke, but they’re still doing tests.”

Oh God.

“I . . . I’ll come right in,” I mumble. Hanging up, I call Ellie.

“Aiden isn’t well. Heather just called me, and they don’t think he’s going to make it,” I whisper. Sitting down in a chair, I rub my head. I should’ve made more of an effort to see him during these past few weeks. Whatever differences Heather and I have, they aren’t his fault. What if I’m too late?

“God, Kee, are you okay? Are you going to see him now?”

“Will you come with me?” I ask. My voice trembles as I push the words out. Truth is, I’m scared to go alone and the only other person I’d want there with me, I couldn’t ask.

“Of course,” she says. “Sit tight. I’m on my way over.”

I place the phone on the table and try to think. As much as I don’t want Tilly to remember her dad hooked up to tubes, I can’t deny her seeing him before he . . .

I swallow, unable to even think those words.

Picking up my phone, I start texting Max. Halfway through, I delete the message. What am I supposed to write? That I’m a mess because the first love of my life is slipping away? Or that I feel guilty because of my feelings for Max?

I push the chair back and stand up. My heart races as I pace the kitchen. So many emotions course through my veins, each contradicting the one before. I feel devastated that I’m losing Aiden. I feel guilt both ways—for betraying Aiden and for my feelings for Max. How can I be falling in love with someone when I put so much of myself into my relationship with Aiden?

Tilly walks into the kitchen, her wide eyes peering up at me. “What’s wrong, Mommy?” she asks.

I crouch down in front of her, wrapping my arms around her tiny waist. “Nothing, baby, just some sad news. Can you be a good girl and go put your jacket on? We have to go to the hospital.”

“To see Daddy?” she asks, her lip trembling.

My heart breaks as tears begin to roll down her cheeks. I nod. “We have to say goodbye to Daddy, okay? He’s going to a better place, where he can feel well again.”

“And give hugs?” she asks hopefully.

I lift my finger to her cheek and wipe away a tear. “Yes, honey. You have to be a brave girl for me. Can you do that?” I ask, smiling through my own tears.

She nods, her little face determined. “Don’t worry, Mommy. It’ll be okay.”

I watch her disappear down the hall, my silent tears giving way to sobs. I hear Ellie knock on the door and then let herself in. She races over to me, her eyes full of concern.

“Shh, it’s okay, Kee,” she soothes, pulling me into her arms.

“Is it?” I ask between sobs. “Because it doesn’t feel okay.”

She holds me, not saying anything else as I struggle to figure out how to feel. It’s stupid, but a small part of me feels responsible—like maybe Heather was right. Maybe I didn’t visit enough, or show him how I felt about him.

Those first few months after the accident were the worst. Those days, I was still convinced he was going to recover. I clung to the hope because if I didn’t believe that one day he’d wake up, what else did I have?

We pull up outside the hospital. My hands fidget in my lap and I’m struggling to find the will to move. My legs don’t want to work, and Ellie is quick to notice my reluctance to get out of the car.

“How about you go and see him first?” she asks, her voice soft. “I can take Tilly to the cafeteria for a drink.”

I nod. It’s a good plan. If I can prepare myself, then maybe I can help Tilly get through this too. I lean over the backseat and give Tilly a smile.

“Ellie’s going to take you for a hot cocoa and then she’ll bring you back to Mommy, okay?”

Tilly nods, her eyes wide with fear in such a way that breaks my heart. She doesn’t want to be away from me, but even at the tender age of five she somehow knows it’s something she needs to do.

I walk inside and over to the elevators, a walk I’ve done many times before. I enter the elevator alone and make my way up to intensive care. The doors open and I step out, a familiar feeling of dread hitting me when I see those two huge gray doors. The last time I went through them was shortly after the accident.

Wiping my sweaty palms on the sides of my jeans, I take a deep breath and force myself to walk.

One foot in front of the other. Just breathe. Keep breathing.

My internal pep talk is doing something because I can feel more air entering my lungs. Focusing on something as simple as breathing is a distraction I need. I press the green buzzer and the gray doors swing open.

The intensive care ward has a distinct smell of it’s own. I can’t place what it is exactly. Maybe it’s a mixture of things.
Disinfectant. Illness…death.

My legs feel like they’re made of jelly as I walk down the narrow corridor. I’m about to ask about Aiden at the nurses’ station when I see him. My heart jumps. Covered in tubes, he looks worse than I’ve seen him look since the days following the accident.

Grabbing hold of my jacket, I tighten it around me, a shiver running up my back. Heather sits next to him, and Jim next to her. Both have been crying, given away by their puffy, tear-stained eyes. Jim looks up and smiles at me. He leans over and whispers something to Heather, who also looks up. She nods, and they rise from their seats.

Swallowing hard, I walk over, forcing a smile onto my face.

“We’ll give you some time alone with him,” Heather says. She sounds defeated, as though she has no fight left in her. I reach out and take her hand, giving it a light squeeze. Her eyebrows rise, as if she’s shocked by my gesture.

“Tilly is in the cafeteria with Ellie,” I say. “I wanted her to have the chance to…” My voice breaks off. I can’t finish the sentence because it carries so much meaning. My heart screams at the thought of losing him forever, but at the same time, the thought brings relief. And I hate that. I hate that so much.

Heather and Jim wander toward the exit. For a moment I just stand there, unsure of what to do next. I know I need to go over there and be with him, but doing that signals that this is all ending.

Nurses push past me, startling me back to reality. I reach for the wall for support as I lose my footing and it spurs me into action. I walk into his room, my heart beating furiously. He’s lost more weight. I walk over to his bed and sit down, the seat still warm under me.

“Hey,” I say, my voice cracking. “It’s me.”

Layering my hand in his, I’m startled by how cold he is. One of the things I miss most is his warm embrace. Skin to skin, there was never anything more calming than being wrapped in his warmth.

Gently I rub his hand in mine, trying to bring back some of that warmth. Or maybe I’m trying to capture some of the past before it leaves me forever.

I sit there for what feels like hours. There’s so much I want to say, but I can’t get it out. Ellie appears at the door, Tilly standing behind her. I smile and open my arms. With a little encouragement from Ellie, Tilly runs over and hugs me. Her body heaves as she sobs. I hate what this place does to her, but I know I have to help her push through this.

“Shh, it’s okay, princess. I’m here for you, okay?”

Her response is muffled and incoherent. I let her cry in my arms, not wanting to force her any more than I have to.

“Daddy’s going to go away soon, Tilly. He needs you to be a strong little girl and let him go. Can you do that?” I whisper in her ear as I gently stroke her hair.

She looks up, her tear-stained eyes meeting mine. All I can see in her face is fear and pain. If I thought I couldn’t possibly feel any worse, I was wrong. Seeing our daughter have to go through this is pure hell.

Eventually, the tears slow and her glances toward Aiden become more frequent. I gently guide his hand toward the edge of the bed. Placing Tilly’s hand in mine, I place mine on top and back onto Aiden’s. She stares at me, wide-eyed.

“What if I hurt him?” she whispers.

“You won’t, honey. He’s still there. He loves you.”

She hesitantly looks up at him, her face stricken. This must be so hard for her. She takes a deep breath, her body shaking as she looks at me for encouragement. I nod, strengthening my hold around her waist.

“If I talk to him, he can hear me?” she asks.

“He can hear you baby,” I encourage. “Anything you want to say, you say it, okay?”

“I love you,” she says, turning back to face him. “And I don’t want you to go away and leave Mommy. I see Mommy cry and it makes me sad. I wish things could be normal and you could hug me and play with me and stop Mommy’s tears.”

My chest heaves as I take in her words. Any hope I had of holding back on my own tears has evaporated. Even now, she’s just thinking of me. I should be looking out for her, not the other way round. I’m a bad mother. All those times I cried thinking nobody was around, she was there, watching. She knew. Guilt rips through me, because my tears weren’t always about Aiden.

Sometimes they were about Max.

Tilly stays with me for another hour before Ellie offers to drive her back to her place. I agree, knowing that she’s had enough but not wanting to be away from the most important person in my life. What if she needs me and I’m not there?

You need to be here for Aiden.

Just after they’ve gone, Heather and Jim return. Any nerves or anger I have from being in the same room with her have taken a backseat. None of that is important right now. They sit on the other side of the bed. She offers me a smile, and I force one back.

“You just missed Tilly,” I murmur, my voice croaky. I cough and rub the back of my neck.

“She was in here?” Heather sounds surprised.

I nod.

“I’m glad she got the chance to say goodbye.”

“Me too. I’d never rob her of that, Heather. I’ve always just wanted what was best for her.”

“I know you have,” Heather responds softly.

An awkward silence fills the room. I focus on Aiden, my hand still firmly placed in his. His hands feel colder, and I wonder if they are or if I’m just finding things to place my attention on.

I want to talk to him, but it feels weird with Heather there, so instead I just sit there. His respirator sounds monotonously as I think about all of the time we had together—the good times, before the accident. He was such a big part of my life for so long that everything about me was in a way defined by him.

The loud sound of an alarm going off drags me out of my daydream. Doctors stream into the room, and it's about then that I realize it's Aiden. Jumping out of my seat, I move back against the wall, letting the staff do what they need to do.  Heather and Jim do the same as doctors pool around his bed.

“What's going on?” Heather asks, her voice alarmed.

A nurse turns to her. “I'm sorry, but we're going to have you to get you leave the room.” With a hand gently resting on Heather's back, the nurse guides them out of the room. I follow, my heart racing, as they wait for answers.

Surely this can't be it. I anxiously pace up and down the hallway. The alarms have stopped, but the loud voices of the doctors and nurses in the room make me realize that things are far from settled. Words like “code blue” and “nearing the end” catch my attention.

Wrapping my arms around my waist, I shiver. Tears are beginning to pull in my eyes, and I swat at them furiously, trying to remain strong. Minutes pass, but they feel like hours. Time has never moved so slowly. Heather is getting frustrated, and I don't blame her. Not knowing what's going on is hell.

Heather stiffens, her gaze moving past me. I turn around and see one of the doctors standing there. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up as I take in his expression. It's not good news. I can tell.

“Please no…” Heather sobs, falling into Jim's arms.

“Not yet, but he doesn't have long,” the doctor responds, his tone soft. “We’ve stabilized at the moment, but I'd say he has maybe an hour, if that.” He gives us a small smile and moves off down the hallway. The room empties out, allowing us to go back in.

“I’ll give you a moment alone with him,” I say. I reach out to touch Heather's arm. It's a small gesture, but I want her to know that I'm here and I know what she's feeling. She smiles at me through her tears.