Worse Than Being Alone (16 page)

“
Are you OK, Cindy?”

“
Yeah, I’m just nervous,” she
said. “I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“
Quit worrying about that. Help me
understand what life is like for you.”

“
You don’t want to know,” she said
with a bitter laugh.

“
Actually, I do. If you’re going
to follow her in there, you can’t look so freaked out. Talk to
me.”

“
I guess it’s like a classic panic
attack,” Cindy said. “I can feel my heart beating. I get sweaty
palms and an adrenaline rush. The meds help. You know, on one
level, I understand what’s happening. I just have to work at
controlling it.”

“
You seem better than you were in
high school.”

“
Better meds,” she said.
“Actually, I found a new therapist last year and started
CBT.”

“
That’s Cognitive-Behavioral
Therapy, right?”

“
Yeah, I’m starting to have some
real hope,” she said. “The cognitive part helps me change the
thinking patterns that support my fears, and the behavioral part
helps me change the way I react to anxiety-provoking
situations.”

“
Who is your new
therapist?”

“
Tara Morgan,” Cindy said. “I
heard about her over a year ago. I had to wait a few months to get
in but it was worth it. She believes in Exposure-Behavioral
Therapy. For instance, I get my hands dirty and wait a little
longer each time to wash them. Also, I cut down on the amount of
washing so I’m not in the bathroom that long.”

“
That makes a lot of sense. Is it
hard for you to drink coffee someone else has made?”

“
It’s horrible,” Cindy said. “My
mind is screaming at me not to drink this because of all the germs.
That’s why I’m nervous. I keep trying to breathe normally and do
all those relaxation techniques I’ve learned. This is the best
therapy I’ve tried. It’s gotten me to the point of actually trying
to do things. I’m sure you think I’m the craziest person you’ve
ever known.”

“
No, my mother still gets the top
spot in my world. Look, Cindy, everybody has issues.”

“
Yeah, sure, everyone says that,”
she said. “Ok, fess up, what are your issues?”

“
Well, one day, out of the blue, I
threw my kid out of the car, left him on the side of the road, and
ran away from home. Granted, my son was 17, and I still think the
walk home did him some good. You know, most people run away when
they’re teenagers. I was 35. No plan. I was fed up so I went home,
packed, and went to the airport. I decided Anchorage looked far
enough away. Most of my family doesn’t like winter. They do
vacations at the beach, so I didn’t think I’d get visitors. As it
turned out, I was right.”

“
Why did you do it?” she
asked.

“
I started thinking about that
after I got settled in Anchorage. I think I was afraid one of my
sibs would try and talk me out of it. We were raised to be
responsible no matter what lousy hand you got dealt. I just totally
rejected that idea. It was the most frightening and exhilarating
experience of my life. My husband, James, was an alcoholic, and I
was tired of trying to fix him. He isn’t even a minister anymore.
He works at Quick Trip.”

“
What about your son?” she
asked.

“
Yeah, the proverbial fly in the
ointment or actions have consequences scenario. I did what I
thought I needed to do for me and I abandoned him. That’s the only
part I regret and mostly the reason I came back. We’re working on
our relationship. He’s still angry, but at least he’s talking to
me. After I left, he started going to Al-Anon meetings, studied
hard, and ended up getting scholarships. I had been trying to get
him to do all that before I left.”

“
Sounds like he grew up a lot,”
Cindy said. “Maybe it was what he needed, too.”

“
I hope that’s true. Guilt is
always a mother’s cross to bear. So you see, Cindy, everyone has
baggage.”

“
True, but I can’t tell that by
looking at you,” Cindy said. “I’ve always felt like I have this
neon light on my forehead constantly blinking: ‘freaking
nuts’.”

“
I wouldn’t go that
far.”

“
Come on, Kitty,” she said. “Kids
in high school called me Crazy Cindy to my face.”

Lucky for me, my response was delayed by the arrival
of Ho in the familiar black Mustang. Ho jumped out of the car,
hurried up the steps, and disappeared into the restaurant while I
snapped pictures. The driver didn’t get out of the car and pulled
away immediately.

“
OK, Cindy, I get your point but
the way to stop the blinking light is your therapy. Today, we take
some baby steps. I’ll order takeout and you go in to pick it up.
You can get some idea what Ho is doing in there. Whether she’s in
the back or serving food or whatever. That’s it.”

“
You’re right,” she said. “I can
handle that. Make the call and I’ll go in.”

I ordered egg rolls and Cashew Chicken, wondering if
Cindy would actually eat any of the food. She usually resisted take
out or going to a restaurant for a meal. Ten minutes later, I
watched Cindy cross the street and disappear into The King’s Wok.
My cell phone blurted its little jingle and I answered.

“
Hey Roni, what’s up?”

“
I just finished talking to Glenn
Barton,” she said. “He thinks Marian is a greedy person who ruined
his family.”

“
Nobody you meet on this road trip
has anything good to say about Marian, do they?”

“
How are things on your end?” she
asked.

“
Cindy just went into the
restaurant to get takeout. So far, nobody’s running out in
panic.”

“
I’m glad you’re giving her a
chance,” she said.

“
She told me kids in high school
used to call her Crazy Cindy to her face.”

“
As opposed to everyone else who
thought it or said behind her back.”

“
Guilty. You were always very
tolerant of Cindy.”

“
I didn’t have a crazy mother to
deal with,” she said. “I think you had your hands full back
then.”

“
True, but it’s never too late to
try and help someone. She just wants to be normal. Where are you
off to next?”

“
I’m going to see the other
brother,” she said. “You would have already nicknamed them Cain and
Abel.”

“
I’m glad you’re learning
something from me. Is it an appropriate nickname?”

“
I’ll let you know.”

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Cindy Washington stiffened her shoulders, continued
to take deep breaths, and pushed open the door to The King’s Wok.
It was a busy place and most of the tables were taken. Cindy
spotted an area by the front counter with a neon Carry Out sign
above it. The irony didn’t escape Cindy, who decided to duck into
the restroom for a moment.

Thin, with shoulder length blond hair and striking
hazel eyes, Cindy looked in the mirror while she washed her hands.
Just a few times for courage, she told herself. Despite being
attractive, Cindy had never thought of herself that way. Her
illness had so consumed her life, there wasn’t much time for
thinking about her looks. Almost every minute of every day was
devoted to trying to control her compulsive behavior.

Cindy washed her hands one last time and used a
paper towel to turn off the water and open the bathroom door. She
breathed in deep gulps of air, dismayed when she realized she was
beginning to perspire. She walked up to the unmanned counter under
the carry out sign and waited. It was Ho herself who eventually
came out from the kitchen to man the counter.

“
How can help you?” Ho
asked.

“
Takeout for Washington,” Cindy
said as she studied Ho, who was wearing a tailored pantsuit. Though
a small, lithe woman, Ho had intense almond eyes and an
intimidating bearing. Her black hair was styled in a flattering bob
just below her ears. Cindy was surprised when she realized that up
close, Ho was attractive.

Ho looked through the orders on the counter until
she found the right one. “That will be 13 dollars,” Ho said as
Cindy slid a 20 dollar bill across the counter.

“
I’ll be right back with your
order,” Ho said as she put the change on the counter and
disappeared through the doorway that led into the
kitchen.

Cindy walked over to a nearby table and sat down,
continuing to take deep breaths and feeling fairly confident until
she made the mistake of looking at the vent on the wall right next
to the table. A ripple of fear rumbled through her gut as she
stared at the subtle movement of air through the grate. Convinced
she saw fangs just inside the metal bracket, Cindy felt her pulse
rate accelerate and despite the coolness in the room, she began to
perspire in earnest. That vent needed to be covered immediately,
she kept thinking over and over.

Ultimately, she lost the battle and full-blown panic
propelled her out of the chair as she raced toward the exit. At
that moment, she imagined Kitty’s disappointment, which caused an
end of forward momentum as she veered into the bathroom. Thank God
no one else was in there, Cindy thought as she washed her hands and
tried to restart her deep breathing and mentally visualizing all
her muscles relaxing. Kitty was actually reaching out to her and
trying to help her for a change. That’s when she realized she
couldn’t bear to see any kind of I-told-you so look on Kitty’s
face.

After several minutes, Cindy had controlled her
panic enough to stop washing her hands. Her breathing and pulse had
returned to normal and while she realized she didn’t have full
control, she had stopped the deterioration. Maybe I’ll have this
under control in another decade or two, Cindy thought as she
grabbed a paper towel and opened the door to the bathroom.

Cindy walked toward the counter, staring at the vent
that had terrorized her, unable to see anything lurking through the
metal. Her fear was briefly replaced by a sense of triumph. These
small victories would eventually lead to a more normal life. At
least that’s what she desperately needed to believe. Ho emerged
from the kitchen as Cindy reached the counter.

“
I thought you had left,” Ho said
as she placed Cindy’s bag on the counter.

“
I had to use the restroom,” Cindy
said pleasantly.

“
There are utensils and sauces
over there,” Ho said as she pointed to a small table.

“
Thank you,” Cindy said as she
turned, tossed plastic forks, knives and soy sauce in the
bag.

“
Come back again soon,” Ho said
pleasantly.

“
I will,” Cindy said as she left
the restaurant, walked across the street, and climbed in Kitty’s
red convertible.

“
How did it go?”

“
It went fine,” Cindy said as she
handed the bag to Kitty.

“
What was Ho doing in
there?”

“
I guess she works there,” Cindy
said as Kitty began to open the bag.

“
I’m starving, you want
some?”

“
No thanks,” Cindy said as Kitty
began eating cashew chicken with the plastic fork.

“
She was working the register,”
Cindy said. “She took the money and gave me the food. Did you know
she speaks perfect English?”

“
Really. Let’s see how long she
stays today. She didn’t stay that long the last time. It doesn’t
seem like she’s working a shift or anything.”

“
Maybe she owns the place,” Cindy
said. “Maybe I should go back in a day or two and ask her for a
glass of water while I wait for my order. Then I could take it and
we could get fingerprints off it.”

“
That’s not a bad idea. You know,
I was thinking about my mom while you were in there. When I was
growing up, all I could think about was how crazy she was and how
worried I was about what she might do. She was paranoid, convinced
she was being followed by the FBI or some other alphabet group.
There was always a hint of uncertainty and violence that was
palpable in our house. The one thing I never really thought about
was what it must have been like for her to be so scared all the
time. She truly believed those people were after her. I knew it
wasn’t real but it must have been hell for her to have to live with
that fear every day.”

“
Controlling the fear is the key,”
Cindy said. “Even when you know it’s illogical and not really even
possible, it seems so freaking real at that moment.”

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Roni had serious misgivings about meeting with Glenn
Barton’s brother, Jay. As she was about to drive out of
Springfield, she had called his office on the spur of the moment
and had been surprised when he agreed to meet with her. Roni was
worried that of all the people she had interviewed so far, Jay
Barton had once seemed to be aligned with Marian, and she couldn’t
discount the possibility they might still be in contact with each
other. In the end, she decided he might provide some insight into
Marian’s character.

Jay Barton’s law office was located in a run-down
strip mall just off the highway on one of the last exits out of
Springfield. It was cloudy with rain threatening as Roni pulled
into the parking lot. There was a Deals store next door to Barton’s
office that seemed fairly busy. Roni hesitated as she stared at the
surroundings, wondering about the status of Barton’s law practice
if he was forced to locate his office here.