Wouldn’t Change a Thing (24 page)

Don speeds up and addresses us. “Where do you want me to drive?”

Willa is frantic and responds as if Don only asked her the question. “She hasn't been gone twenty-four hours, so we can't report her as a missing person.”

I want to demand he drive to the Wilcoxes, but I say, “Let's ride around here first, then we'll go downtown.”

The drive takes us around backroads, side alleys, and abandoned houses. Don drives to the church again, looking for clues. We get out, walk around the graves, and find nothing.

“I know it's Christmas, but call the sheriff anyway. She couldn't have gotten too far on foot,” Uncle Raymond says.

I wait for Uncle Raymond to dial the sheriff before I sneak around the corner to place a call. I make sure no one sees me and dial.

“Merry Christmas, Crittenden residence.”

“Cousin Edwina, Mama's missing.”

“I'm not surprised after that trick Wilcox pulled last night. Where are you now?”

“We came back to the church to see if she's here. She's wearing a gown and maybe some slippers. I looked in the closet and her coats are all there.”

“Lord have mercy!”

“Do you know where she might be?”

Cousin Edwina fumbles with something and I hear her say, “Walt, let's get up so we can help find Greta.”

“Cousin Edwina, I didn't mean to disturb you. I only wanted to find out if she went anywhere special when she was sad.”

“We're family. No way I'm gonna sit here and not help you find Greta. You said you all are at the church?”

“Yes, ma'am.”

“Let me see who else I can round up and I'll call you back.”

I place my phone back in my pocket before Aunt Mavis and Willa see me. Willa and McKenna come around the corner to comfort me while Uncle Ray dials someone.

“Are you okay, Toni?” Willa asks.

“No. I've been nothing but trouble for Mama since I came back. She was better off at GMH before I stirred up the pot and tried to bring her home.”

“Stop blaming yourself. She longed for a reunion with us and she got it.”

“At what cost?”

“At the cost of you seeing what the family tried to shield both of us from so many years ago. Toni, Mama is sick. She will always be schizophrenic. Medicine, psychotherapy, and other things will help, but she will always need attention and constant care.”

“She needs us, Willa.”

“She needs a team of people to support her. You can't do it alone.”

“Let's drive by the house again,” Uncle Raymond says. “She might have come back.”

We pile into Don's vehicle again and ride to the home-house in silence. Cousin Edwina's call interrupts my train of thought.

“I called a few people and they're meeting at Golden Pantry. If you all will head this way, we can pull together a search party and divide up in parts of the county.”

“Thanks, Edwina. I'll let everyone know.”

“Was that Edwina Crittenden?” Aunt Mavis asks.

“Yes.”

“What does she want?”

I swallow hard and respond, “I called her and asked if she could help us find Mama.”

Aunt Mavis's irritation is evident. She scoots away from Uncle Raymond and looks out the window.

“Doesn't it make sense for someone to be home in case Mama comes back? Cousin Edwina has people meeting at Golden Pantry. Meet her there and I can stay at the house.”

St. John's is not far from our home. “Call me as soon as you hear something,” I say as I exit the SUV.

Willa pulls on her door to come inside with me, but I shake my head. I want to be alone.

N
othing beats the feeling of Jesus giving you the answers you need. I knew something wasn't right about having all that medication in my system. I kept praying to Jesus, asking him what he wanted me to do. When we were at the concert, he turned his back on me. I was being disobedient when I told him I would keep his commandments and didn't. It is time I follow my heart and do the right thing. I've been lonely without Jesus and 'Halia. Come to think of it, they've been with me longer than I've been with my husband and children. Makes no sense for me to pretend it's been an easy ride since I saw the girls again. This dream I had about them running to me and picking back up where we left off didn't go so well.

Toni probably wouldn't have come to see me if her picture wasn't in the paper. She won't say it, but if that Lamonte character told her to come back to him tomorrow, I believe she'd go. It's that way with the Williamson women. My mother, Rose, loved my daddy, Horace. Love wasn't enough to keep them together. He left her because she was sick like I am. It's bad enough the men leave, but it's hard when friends leave you too.

Mavis doesn't know about this, but I want to tell it anyway. A couple days ago, I went to my follow-up visit. After the follow-up, we went to the community center for bingo. Well, it was supposed to be bingo. The regular lady who comes was sick, and this artsy, twenty-something girl was there. I'm talking a real kook. I had my heart set on playing bingo, and she goes to the chalkboard in the room and writes some things down. Little silly exercises like how many gumballs are in this jar? What was the best vacation you ever took? Who is the nicest person you've ever met? She told us to stick with her because she was warming us up for the exercise of the day. About fifteen minutes later, she went around the room and gave everyone a legal pad and pens. We were given twenty minutes to write freestyle. Poem, essay, short story, didn't matter. We had twenty minutes to put our thoughts down on paper. Since Jesus and 'Halia hadn't been to see me in a long time, I asked them to come get me for good. I promised Jesus I would follow his commandments, and I promised 'Halia I'd help her in the heavenly choir. I wrote those words so fast my heart was pounding. When I got to the end of my paper, I asked Jesus to give me a sign within seventy-two hours. If a mental facility can make me stay against my will for a seventy-two-hour hold, I figure Jesus can tell me what to do about this situation of being lonely. Of going in and out of GMH. Of being misunderstood by everybody.

Wouldn't you know it, he gave me all the signs and wonders in church. Christmas Eve service wasn't ordinary this year. Truth be told, I had gotten tired of Wilcox since he stopped all the fire and brimstone. Teaching in the pulpit is all right, but it's good to have a pastor to release the fire shut up in your bones. Pastor Smith was Jesus's messenger. He gave me the answer I needed. From his choice of scripture, to his Legion reference, to the young lady singing my favorite song, it's like Jesus timed everything perfectly. They're not going to kick up a big fuss once I'm gone anyway.

I knew last night was nothing but Jesus, since I've never heard anyone talk about the pharmaceutical companies in the pulpit. When Smith got revved up, I saw Toni write something on a piece of paper to Willa. I don't know what she said, but they were acting like they didn't empathize with my sickness. I know Willa doesn't care much for me, but Toni shocked me going against what the pastor said. She's been here from Atlanta long enough to see what those pills and the shots do to me. For her to sit there and not have compassion broke my heart but made me realize it's time to let them go. This won't be so hard. Won't be hard at all.

Good to know prayers are still answered. I found the perfect place to lay my burdens down. No one has to worry about me anymore. Maybe they'll find me, maybe they won't.

Now that I'm following His commandments again, I'm waiting for Jesus and 'Halia to stop by and pick me up. I wonder if it will be in a chariot or a regular car. They should be able to see me where I am. I have my feet kicked up where Jesus told me to be, and I see birds flying overhead. I need something to cover me up to keep me warm, but I have to trust the two of them to do that for me, too.

W
illa texts a picture of the crowd gathered at Golden Pantry. I am moved by the number of people who stand with my family, who've given up their Christmas morning to search for Mama. I look at the picture closely and see Cousin Edwina and Ms. Creasy Taylor. My phone trills. Jordan's calling. I let it go to voicemail, but she calls again. I answer with no holiday spirit.

“Merry Christmas,
bon ami!
”

I say nothing and contemplate hanging up. I have no spirit, no cheer.

“Toni, what's wrong?”

The sniffles turn crying. I lean on the bed and smell where she lay a few hours ago. Her distinct body odor clings to the sheets and pillows.

“Calm down and tell me what's going on,” Jordan says. I picture her glowing face and the baby bump. My chaos and confusion shouldn't interrupt her holiday.

“I can't talk about it right now, Jordan.”

“Toni, you slipped away from me once with this evasiveness. I am your friend and I love you. I don't care about your past. I'm here for you. Talk to me.”

“Mama's missing.”

“When did this happen?”

“This morning.”

She is silent. I wait for her to speak. “I can be there in two hours.”

“No. It's Christmas. I don't want you traveling today. Stay where you are and let me keep you posted.”

“Had she been taking her medication?”

“Yes. We went to church last night and were ambushed with a sermon about mental illness. I'm positive Pastor Wilcox did it on purpose.”

“On purpose, as in…?”

“As in a younger pastor took the pulpit and said all the mentally ill need is God, not meds. Mama took to the message with so much joy and delight it frightened us.”

“That's terrible. What are you all planning to do about his antics?”

“I want to find her. We'll deal with him later.”

“Does anyone suspect her whereabouts? Does she go to a particular place when she's sad?”

“A search party has gathered in town, and I'm waiting here in case she comes back. I'm trying not to panic or think the worst.”

“My offer stands. I can be there in two hours.”

“I'd love that, Jordan. If it's no trouble.”

“I'm on the road again. See you soon.”

I put my coat on and walk the yard again. Maybe there is somewhere I haven't explored. Secret spots and escape routes fill the yard. If she is sitting alone and gathering thoughts, I'd be pleased. I just want to see her again. I search the well again. The concrete top remains, but the bucket has been moved. I follow a trail in back of the well and find nothing. Antsy, I grab my keys, lock the house, and head to Golden Pantry. I'll go crazy waiting around the house.

The crowd huddles in mini groups at Golden Pantry. A bulky man disseminates information. He gives instructions to each group as he speaks with a bullhorn.

Aunt Mavis flags me as I park. “Did she come back to the house?”

“Not yet. I got tired of waiting there and decided to come here.”

“Willa, Don, and McKenna joined a group of people on the Augusta Highway. Jack Morris is passing out directions to a few other locations in town she may have wandered off.”

“Where are you going to search for her?” I ask.

“I'm waiting for Jack to assign a new location.”

“Aunt Mavis, may I speak to you in my car?”

She follows me and we sit. “I'm going back to Atlanta after Mama's found. No matter the outcome, I realize I don't belong here. I've caused her nothing but trouble since I got here.”

“She's glad you're here. If you leave, it will crush her.”

“If I leave, she can get back to her old routine. I've upended her.”

“You've only been here a few months. You need to give her at least a year to adjust to you being here for her. It's a little bumpy, but you'll get used to caring for her.”

“This discharge has been a burden I don't want to bear.”

Aunt Mavis clenches and unclenches her fists. I flinch when she raises her hand, but she doesn't hit me. Instead, she clutches the passenger door. “A burden
you
don't want to bear? Who do you think has been bearing the burden for her care since you've been away?”