Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! (9 page)

PARAMOUNT

Important = Melrose gate, VALET. Yes, Paramount has a very good valet section. Ask the guy in the car next to you if he happens to have some Grey Poupon. He won’t laugh, because almost nobody remembers those commercials anymore.

Not Important = The open parking lot that’s JUST TO THE LEFT of the Valet. You’ll find a spot, sure. And it’s out in the open, under the big fake panorama of sky, no real shame in that … BUT YOU’RE ALSO CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE VALET TO KNOW THAT YOU WEREN’T ALLOWED TO PARK THERE. Yep. And there’re so many open spots in the Valet area? Well, you fell just short of making that list. Chew on that as you walk the extra 300 feet to your meeting.

UNIVERSAL

Important = Gate 4, the outdoor lot just below Building 100. Sunshine, the gentle sounds of traffic whizzing by on Lankershim, a nice view of a billboard for an upcoming Universal Picture. Ah. C’est la parking.

Not important = The horrifying Building 100 Parking Structure. Not fit for humans to park in. Designed off plans of Spanish castles, specifically intended to CONFUSE and DELAY the invading Moors. If you have to park here—YOU WILL BE LATE FOR YOUR MEETING. We don’t care how early you are. You will circle, and circle like a ghost ship … up and up and … HOLY CRAP, THERE’S STILL NO SPOTS. Isn’t this like, level 4 already??? WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE, AND WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING AT UNIVERSAL??? WHY DIDN’T I JUST PARK AT CITYWALK AND WALK DOWN THE HILL??? OR AT THAT METRO STATION PARKING LOT ACROSS THE STREET??? We haven’t fact-checked these numbers, but there have probably been millions of suicides in this parking lot. From despair. Think about that. Millions of suicides that may or may not have happened. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?

DREAMWORKS

Important = INSIDE the big brown gate off Amblin Drive, inside the DreamWorks compound, which looks like a gorgeous hotel in New Mexico, only more beautiful than the one you were picturing in your head. How good are these parking spots? Well, this is where Steven Spielberg parks. So there. That good. Some people might argue that this fact makes them the best parking spots in the world. And they may be.

Not Important = The little lot OUTSIDE the DreamWorks gate. You will then have to walk back across the street, and they will open the huge, CAR-SIZED gate for you—but you are now carless. It will be a little reminder that you haven’t quite made it yet.

(As a side note: DreamWorks has the tightest security of any studio. It’s intense. When you arrive, don’t be surprised if you are scrutinized by the guards at the gate for a while. Even if you are supposed to be there. It is, in fact, much faster to enter the United States with a valid passport than it is to enter DreamWorks with a pass FROM DREAMWORKS.)

MGM

Important and Unimportant = There is simply no way to tell how important you are at MGM. Their new offices are in a high-rise building in Century City. The parking structure behind it is new, modern, and … fairly convenient. It’s also a very short walk to the Century City Mall, right across the street. ARRGH. So frustrating to not have some sort of parking hierarchy in place over there! It’s distressing and may lead to confusion. We beg you, MGM, make up some cockamamie pecking order, like different-color dashboard passes at least. So we know how you feel. Possibly “laminates” like at a rock concert, with varying levels of access, or some sort of star or letter grade system.

SONY/COLUMBIA PICTURES

Important = Valet Parking through the Madison Gate. Parking fit for a sultan. Or even better: fit for Will Smith. And the valets here know their stuff. They’re playing in “the show.” They’ll make you feel like the reincarnation of Irving Thalberg, stepping back into his dream factory.

Not Important = Overland Avenue Gate, Parking Structure, or, as it should be called, the Culver City Tower of Terror. Six awful levels, straight up, winding around like an operatic nightmare concocted by Guillermo Del Toro. A labyrinth of your worst parking-related nightmares. Parking here will make you lose your faith in God. How could a God who loves us as his children, look down and let this kind of parking happen? Was that a spot? No, some idiot parked their motorcycle there. There’s one … nope, Smart car. Why, God, why?

Well, you probably got this terrible parking space because your script has Act III problems. How do we know? BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THEM, ALL SCRIPTS HAVE ACT III PROBLEMS.

If you choose to complain about your terrible parking space, turn to page 59.

You did it! You turned in your first script! The next sure sign that you’ve “made it” as a professional screenwriter is—
your ass will be FIRED
. Welcome to the luau, pal. The technical term for this event is “fresh eyes,” as in “Everybody sooooo respects how far you’ve gotten us with this Martin Lawrence/Canadian curling movie … but we’ve decided that we need some FRESH EYES.”

“Fresh eyes” are a new writer or team of writers, usually someone who’s worked with the star, studio, or director before. To say that you will be fired a few times is an understatement; if you’re working for the studios, there’s a 99 percent chance that you will be fired off of EVERY SINGLE SCRIPT YOU EVER WORK ON. Wear it like a badge of honor, and remember:
if you got fired off of your script, it means they HIRED someone else, investing more money in it—bringing it closer to production
. Getting fired means the movie is moving forward! (Kaching!)

That’s the deal. That’s how it goes. Don’t take it personally. Remember: they’re nervous. Executive turnover is FAST, and they need to hedge their bets. If they think there’s a slight chance another writer will get them five yards further down the field, they’ll take it. Sometimes they just have to appease the star. Even if they truly LOVE your script, they may be forced, contractually or otherwise, to let the star’s favorite writer do a pass. (See
Chapter 10
, “Why Does Almost Every Studio Movie
SUCK
Donkey Balls?”)

Here’s the important part: HOW YOU REACT.

Again, this is your chance to be awesome. DO IT—BE AWESOME. Don’t pout, don’t kick up dust, don’t complain, and don’t do anything that could be described as “douchey.” No matter how mad it makes you, be gracious. Because there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll get fired, and a 55 percent chance you’ll get REHIRED! (Better odds than blackjack!) It happens all the time. You will, if you play your cards right, get fired from and rehired to your own scripts all the time. When you make it to the very top, you’ll find that you’re usually replaced by or are replacing the same writers too!

Here’s a flow chart of how the fire/hire system should work, if you remember to be wonderful:

There’s also a seedier underbelly to this already seedy underbelly, and that’s this: whoever replaces you might be a bit unscrupulous in making changes to your script. Watch out for this, especially with writers who haven’t had a lot of films produced. They’ll change character names, locations, and props. If you get rehired to fix one of your old scripts— CHANGE THEM BACK. Why? you ask.
Why would they change something that works for no good reason?

FOR CREDIT! (See
Chapter 30
, “Arbitration or Who Wrote This Crap?” and read about how screen credit turns into royalties that can be traded for hydrogen-powered motorcycles and Victoria’s Secret underpants.)

Remember: getting fired takes practice. You’ll be angry the first few times. After that it gets easier! (See
Chapter 33
, “I’m Drinking Too Much. Is That a Problem?”)

Short answer:
development.

… But let’s back up for a second.

A lot of movies get screwed up even though they have a perfectly good script. Maybe the movie gets miscast. Maybe it’s a bad director or not enough money to pull off the movie, not enough
time
to pull it off. Or no chemistry between the leads, or maybe the leads flat-out hate each other. Sometimes on-set egos, power struggles, or laziness get in the way. Sometimes the cast doesn’t trust the script, sometimes they don’t trust the director. And, scariest of all—

Sometimes, even if everyone involved in the movie is
great
and passionate and talented …
sometimes the movie just doesn’t come together.
Sometimes things work on paper that just don’t get translated to the screen
. Let’s face it—

Most movies suck
.

Ninety-five percent of them. This is not a new phenomenon. Since the beginning of movies, the majority of movies in any given year have
ALWAYS sucked. The year
Casablanca
came out, Warner Bros., also came out with dozens of other movies YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF. Because they sucked.

And you, as the writer, can’t worry about that: you’re
just
the writer. (“ ‘
JUST
the writer’?!? B-b-but … it’s
my
movie!”) First off—no, it’s not
your
movie. It’s
the studio’s
movie. You sold it to them, remember?

Second: you can’t worry about things that are beyond your control. You’ll go nuts.

Will people blame YOU, the writer, if your
genius
script turned into a turd of a movie?
Yes
. Some people will. A lot of people. Walk it off.

There will also be people who
don’t
blame you. A lot of folks in the industry will say, “I don’t understand why that movie sucked, I heard the script was great.”

Either way, after the script is done, there’s nothing you can do about the subsequent creative decisions, good or bad.

When you accept this fact, you’ll sleep better.

What
should
you worry about? Worry about
your
part of the process: the WRITING.

Let’s talk about how movies get screwed up DURING the writing process. There’s a word for that in Hollywood. And that word is:

Development.

Now, despite popular belief, not everyone in the movie business is an idiot. There are lots of smart, talented people working in the studios. Problem is, like in any industry—
there are a lot more idiots than smart people
. And all those idiots do a lot of damage. They do damage at every step of the creative process—but most movies get destroyed during development.

What is development?

So you brought the studio a movie, and they liked it so much they bought it. Then, ten weeks later (eight would be better) you gave them the script you told them you’d write.

So now you’re done, right? … Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Hahahahhahahahhahha.

Ha! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha! Hahahahhahahahhahha hee hee hee.

Ha! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Hahahahhahahahhahha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Hahahahhahahahhahha.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Hehehehehehhhe. Pfftf—HA! Hahahahaha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Hahahahhahahahhahha.

Ha! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Hahahhahahahaha.

Okay. So …

What is the development process?

“Development” happens when you turn in your script to the studio, and the executive (or executives) who read it don’t like it enough to make it into a movie or to pass it along to their boss. So they’re going to try to figure out how to make it “better.” Sometimes that means
fixing
what’s in your script; sometimes that means
changing
what’s in your script.

They are going to develop the idea—into a different, better idea.
This is also called

“DEVELOPMENT HELL”

The reason a lot of studio movies suck donkey balls is simple: Before your movie gets made it has to get to the president of the studio. The president of the studio is usually a very smart woman. But between you and the president of the studio there are between four and twenty executives who have to
approve
your script.
And some of those executives are going to be idiots
.