Written in the Stars (35 page)

I blink at her, unable to take in this bombshell. I look down at the envelope she’s handed to me that has an address in Baga, Goa written on the front. I open it up. Inside is a letter from Adam and I scan his words quickly, barely able to take them in.

‘After you ran out on him and, apparently, went back to Kieran, Adam decided that, in order for you to ever be happy with him, or anyone else – he had to help you find your dad,’ Milly explains gently. ‘He knew you wanted him there at your wedding, but he also knew you’d never decide to find him yourself. He’s spent the last few months tracing all the places your dad moved to since he left Norfolk and then he’s gone to each place to try and track him down for you.’ She stops and stares at me, panting a little from the exertion of her speech. ‘Now try and tell me that isn’t just the most romantic fucking thing you’ve ever heard?’

I open my mouth to speak but I can’t. She leans against a tree, like she’s been deflated of every last bit of energy.

‘
That’s
what he’s been doing these past few months, Bea,’ Milly says quietly. She looks up at me sadly. ‘And all the while
you’ve
been acting like a reckless teenager, shagging around with Kieran!’ She shakes her head and rubs her stomach. ‘I don’t understand, Bea. I don’t understand why you would go back to him after what happened. His brother
died
because of him . . . you nearly died, too . . . and then he dumped you!’ I stare at her, shocked, as I see her eyes fill up with emotion. Milly never cries. ‘When you were with Kieran I was so scared I’d lose you, Bea, so scared that you would do something stupid and I’d never see you again. You had been depressed before, but when you met him it was like you didn’t give a shit about life any more. You were scarily reckless, crazy, in fact. You said that he understood you better than anyone. But he didn’t. He brought out the worst of your illness but made you feel like it was the best. Please don’t get back with him, Bea, please . . . I’m begging you as your best friend – you have to listen to me . . .’

I look at the point in the distance where Kieran disappeared and then at Milly. I fold up Adam’s letter and put it back in the envelope. I want to tell her that I haven’t done anything except try to work out who I am and why I’ve made such bad choices. I want to tell her that seeing Kieran again hasn’t been a mistake. I needed to be with him because I needed to make peace with what happened between us all those years ago. But I also want to tell her that doesn’t mean I want to be
with him
now.

The opposite, in fact.

Because when he kissed me just now I knew with absolute clarity that Kieran wasn’t The One. He never has been. No matter how much I’ve tried to convince myself over the past few months that this could work, it has never felt right. He’s a piece of my past, nothing more, nothing less. I was over him a long time ago. I just haven’t ever got over what we
went through
together. It’s not him I’ve been obsessed with all these years. It’s what happened that night on the pier. It’s not love I’ve been feeling, it’s guilt that he lost his brother and it was my fault.

And then there’s Adam. All this time I’ve been picturing Adam living this great new life without me. But instead he’s been trying to help me find myself from afar. Even after what I did to him on our wedding day. The truth is I wasn’t running away from him, I was trying to run
to
my long-lost dad. It’s all I’ve been doing since the day he left us. Searching for him, in the place where we shared our love of gardening, in his old diary and in Kieran: why else would I choose the kind of guy who I (and everyone who loved me) knew would leave me one day? Just like Dad had done.

And I’ve realised now that none of what has happened this year – running away from my wedding and revisiting all the choices in my life and making new ones – has been about choosing between Adam and Kieran. It has been about finding my dad.

‘Bea?’ Milly says, stepping away from the tree. ‘Are you going to say anything? Surely you can see what an idiot you’ve been?’ I stare at her dumbly and she groans in frustration. ‘
God!
You are infuriating! I’ve come all this way to stop you throwing away your future and you haven’t got anything to say?’

I begin to cry then because here in my childhood home, the place where both my dad and Kieran are tangled in the roots of my past, the realisation of what I’ve thrown away hits me. I ran away from Adam but he’s
never
left me. He’s been here for me all this time without me even knowing. Adam, my strong, loyal, patient, encouraging, kind, understanding Adam. I miss him so much. Everything I thought I knew, every choice I’ve made has just been dug up and turned over and now all that’s left is a bare plot of earth where I know Adam should be.

‘Adam loves you, Bea.’ Milly clasps my arms. ‘He always has done. I just wish you could see how much. I know it’s none of my business and I’m sure you wish I would just butt out, but I can’t allow you to throw everything away. You’re my best friend, Bea. I care about you so much and I just want you to be happy!’

‘Milly,’ I say at last. We’re both crying now. ‘You’ve always believed you’ve known what’s right for me and I’ve always followed your advice. But this time I need you to know that the one thing I’ve learned in the past few months is that I
have
to make my choices on my own . . .’

‘Bea, I know, but please not Kieran—’

I take her hands. ‘If I make a mistake, it’ll be my mistake,’ I say firmly. ‘You have to just trust me, OK?’ I look at her, willing her to understand what I’m trying to say.
Let me make my own choices. I promise I’ll make the right one.

She groans again. She’s always been stubborn.

‘I mean it, Milly, it’s my life and—’

Suddenly she slumps to the ground. I crouch down next to her.

‘Ohhhh,’ she gasps.

‘Milly, is it the baby?’ I demand.

‘Yes, no, I don’t know, it’s too early . . . ohhh!’ She looks up at me and her dark eyes are pools of fear. ‘She’s not due for another six weeks!’ I stand up and look manically around the garden, not moving from Milly’s side. Why can’t I be more like Cal? He’d know exactly what to do.

‘Jay!’ I scream and he turns and then bounds over, putting one hand on her tummy.

‘Milly, is the baby coming?’

She closes her eyes and nods, unable to speak for the pain. Jay looks up at me desperately. It’s so dark but I can see that Milly’s face is ghoulishly pale, like the moon shining above us.

‘CAL!’ I scream and I see my brother turn and gaze into the distance. He sprints over and throws himself into full paramedic mode whilst phoning the hospital. As he does, I have a flashback to that night, fourteen years ago, when he came into my room and found me semi-conscious, surrounded by paracetamol bottles. He wasn’t a paramedic then, but he was my hero. He acted fast, phoned the ambulance and kept me conscious until they arrived. I have no doubt he saved my life. I stand back now so he can get to her, completely petrified for Milly and Jay. Thankfully moments later an ambulance screeches down the road and pulls into the drive.

A hushed crowd has gathered around us as two of Cal’s colleagues rush over and Milly is gently lifted onto a stretcher, flanked by Jay and Cal. I grasp her hand. ‘It’s going to be OK, Milly, everything’s going to be OK, I promise.’

‘I can’t lose this baby, Bea,’ she says, staring at me with wide, fearful eyes. ‘I don’t know what I’ll do—’

‘You won’t lose the baby,’ I say firmly, my cold breath circling hers. I glance up at the stars that are just visible. ‘There is no way in this world that’s going to happen.’ I see one star twinkling brighter than the rest and I wish with everything I have that it is the one that will carry Milly’s daughter into this world safely. ‘I think she just wants to meet you a little sooner than you’d planned.’ I smile tearfully, trying to hide my fear. ‘She’s her mother’s daughter. Very decisive and totally in charge . . .’

‘Or an insufferable control freak,’ Milly says weakly. And then she closes her eyes and is taken to the ambulance.

I watch it reverse down Loni’s drive and with red lights flashing, it speeds off into the dark, dark night and only then do I begin to cry.

It feels like an entire lifetime has passed when I finally allow Loni to lead me inside.

Chapter 57

It’s 11 p.m. and Loni and I are alone. Her guests have either left or crashed out in the various guest rooms, outhouses and random caravans that are parked in the drive. I’m sitting in front of the fire with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders, not speaking, just slowly sipping the brandy she gave me. We’re still waiting to hear from Cal. I can’t stop thinking about Milly and her baby. I feel like what happened is my fault – if we hadn’t been arguing maybe she wouldn’t have gone into premature labour . . .

‘It’s not your fault,’ Loni whispers, as if reading my mind. ‘You have to stop blaming yourself for everything.’

I lean my head against Loni’s chest and stare at the flickering flames. I remember that we sat like this a lot in the year after Kieran left and I was living at home. I close my eyes, enjoying the warmth of Loni’s embrace. It feels good being here with her. Just like the old days. Back when I wanted to hide away from the world.

‘Do you think I made the wrong decision by leaving Adam?’ I ask her falteringly. I’m thinking of his note, which I still have in my pocket. I’m thinking about everything I have felt about Kieran in the past few months, and how confused I’ve been, and how completely certain I was that it was Adam I wanted when Kieran kissed me.

‘Do you want to know what I think?’ Loni says softly. ‘I think you’ve been incredibly brave in trying to face up to the things that stopped you from truly giving yourself to Adam. You have found a job you really love and the kind of independence you’ve never had before, and that can only be a good thing. I think there were lots of things you needed to confront that Adam, without realising, protected you from. I think the decision you made on your wedding day had nothing to do with you and him and everything to do with what had happened in the past. You know, darling,’ she says gently, kissing the top of my head lightly, ‘you’ve always been so quick to blame yourself. But what you don’t often realise is that there is a trail of decisions that other people have made. It was the same when Len left . . . When I told Cal he’d gone he was upset, but he accepted it was your father’s decision. But you,’ she strokes my hair, ‘you were convinced that you’d driven him away, that it was
your
actions that led him to leave us.’ Loni shakes her head sadly as she gazes at me. ‘You became so introverted, so full of guilt, unable to articulate your thoughts or feelings, and I had to battle to make you see that his leaving had nothing to do with you. You always focus on the final event: Len leaving, Elliot jumping off the pier, Milly’s premature labour . . .’ She lifts her hand and continues stroking my hair, until her hand comes to rest on my forehead, the warmth of it soothing the swirling current of guilt and shame I’ve spent years trying to live with. ‘I just wish you’d be kinder to yourself and realise that the universe doesn’t fracture, the stars don’t split because of one decision you make, Bea. Life goes on, just in a slightly different way.’

‘Like without Dad,’ I say quietly. I can see the path opening up in the conversation before me. This is my chance to talk to her about what I’ve been hiding from her for weeks.

I’m sick of secrets. Sick and tired. I pull out Adam’s note and show her the address on the front. Loni gazes down and I see her blue eyes darken as she stares at it. She doesn’t say anything at first. She just keeps staring, first at it, and then out the window, as if she’s looking for something. Or someone.

‘Of course,’ she murmurs.

‘Loni? Do you recognise this address?’

‘He always loved Goa,’ she says quietly. ‘It’s where we were when we conceived you. It’s where he was happiest.’

I pull out another piece of paper. This time the one Father Joe had given me. ‘This is where he went after Cley, Loni. Do you know this place too?’

Loni looks down, nods, and then looks at me, her eyes full of torment.

‘What?’ I ask desperately. ‘What is it?’

She closes her eyes and inhales deeply. I can see her hands are shaking. ‘It was a Church-run treatment centre for depression. I only know because when your father and I were travelling we lived just down the road from it on a commune in Garden Grove . . .’

The words hit me like bullets. Dad suffered from depression. Just like me. I feel at once like my world has split – and come together, the information fitting into the jigsaw puzzle of my life perfectly.

‘And you knew he’d gone there all this time?’ I say.

‘No!’ she exclaims, clutching my hands. ‘No, I had no idea. Honestly, Bea. I knew he went to stay with his friend in Cley, but then I – I never heard from him again. Bea,’ she pauses, ‘Bea, darling, I think it’s time I told you the whole truth.’

I pull away from her. ‘I thought you just did. You didn’t know he’d gone to that depression clinic. That was the truth, you said.’

She nods slowly. ‘It was, but there’s more . . .’

A silence descends, one that hangs heavy in the room like a mist over the ocean. It is stifling, sucking the air out of me. I feel like I’m walking a tightrope between the past and the future, and whichever way I fall I’m going to get hurt.

‘Tell me what happened,’ I say. ‘I need to know, Loni. Stop protecting me. I’m not a child, I’m not
ill
any more, just sick, sick and tired of not knowing. I can cope with the truth. I’m stronger than you think,’ I say firmly, then I soften my voice. ‘I’m your daughter, after all . . .’

She clasps my hand and stares at it. ‘I wasn’t bored in my marriage, Bea,’ she says at last. The words come out in staccato, like she has to force each one out, her breath raspy as if she’s struggling to get air. ‘I didn’t kick him out. I was devoted to Len. I loved him with every ounce of my being but I didn’t always understand him.’

Her eyes glaze over and I see she has been carried away on a wave of memories. ‘We were so happy, darling; he said I was the light of his life, the one person who made him happy. I was twenty and I loved being in love with such a kind, wise, sensitive man who believed the whole world revolved around me. I knew he’d been ill, but I thought it was all in the past. At that time in my life, I truly believed I could keep him lifted and his life filled with love and light. We travelled for a year or so around California, China, Bali, Thailand, India and when I fell pregnant with you, we came home, got married and Len began teaching again at the university. And then Cal came along too and for a few years everything was perfect. He said he felt that he’d finally found his place – and peace – in the world. But then, he became more distant. I remember being worried that he might have been having an affair but I knew he wouldn’t do that to me. He stopped communicating. He stopped working. Some days he wouldn’t get out of bed. The only thing that seemed to make him happy was gardening. He spent more and more time outside and less and less with us. I could see I was losing him to his illness again.’