X: The Hard Knocks Complete Story (19 page)

“Happy to help.” I wave to the rest of the crowd. “I have to get going. Nice to meet you all.”

Panic sets in when I don’t spot Anna right away. My eyes scan the lobby for her, and I quickly spot her talking to an older Latino man in the corner of the room.

I flex my fingers as I stalk toward them. I don’t allow anyone to bother Anna.

She doesn’t see me when I step up behind her, but the man glowers over her shoulder at me. Pops better pipe down and wipe that expression off his face, before I do it for him.

“Is
he
why you ran away from home?” The man’s lip curls up. “This is so unlike you, Anna.”

Oh shit. This is her father—the father who she says hates her.

My entire body stiffens. Father or not, I won’t allow him to lay a finger on her again.

Anna glances back at me then returns her gaze to her father. “You don’t know anything about me, or what I want.”

“You’re my daughter, I know what’s best for you.” He grabs her elbow. “Jorge said he’ll take you back. When we get back you can fix things between the two of you.”

Without thinking, I shove his hand off her.

“Don’t fucking touch her,” I growl. “I saw what you did when you laid your hands on her last time. You will not put another goddamn bruise on her again.”

He narrows his eyes at me. “I don’t like your tone, or what you’re implying. I’ll have you know I’m a Christian man. I only inflict physical punishment when necessary. It’s my right as her father.”

My nostrils flair, and my blood boils beneath my skin. “That’s fucking bullshit. Going to church does not justify beating another person. You’ll never get another chance to touch Anna, I fucking promise you that.”

Her father has the same look in his eye that most men do when I threaten them.

Fear
.

I lift my chin and stare down at him, letting him know he’s not taking her anywhere.

Her father shakes his head and points at me. “This? You left your entire family for him? This tattooed punk.”

His words don’t bother me. I’ve been called far worse in my life.

“Don’t talk about him like that,” Anna fires back.

“The man’s a low-life. He will do nothing but destroy your life.” He grabs her arm again and rage fills me.

Before I can shove him off her again, Anna yanks her arm away. “I love him, and I’m not leaving with you.”

My breath catches at the same time as her father drops his mouth in shock.

She loves me? How is that fucking possible? The only person I ever loved in my life—the person I would have done anything for—used my love against me.

I can’t go through that again.

I won’t go through that again.

It’s wrong for her to love me. I don’t deserve it. She doesn’t deserve what loving someone like me will do to her.

Her father’s right. I will destroy her.

But I refuse to allow him to take her. He could hurt her, and I promised that I wouldn’t allow anyone to do that.

I stiffen next to her.

“You can’t possibly love him. You haven’t known him long enough.” Her father stares at her through narrowed eyes. “If you don’t come home with me right now, forget about ever coming back.”

Anna folds her arms over her chest. “Consider it already forgotten.”

“Unbelievable,” he mutters to himself. “You’ll regret this, Anna, when he doesn’t want you anymore.”

Her father doesn’t say another word before he pivots on his heel and storms toward the exit.

Anna stands with her back to me and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry about that. He’s angry with me, and he took it out on you. I’m sorry for the hurtful things he said.”

I grip her shoulders and pull her back against my chest as I kiss the top of her head. “I’ve got pretty thick skin, beautiful. I’ll admit what you said shocked the hell out of me, though.”

She turns in my arms so she can peer up at me. “I know that wasn’t the best way for you to find out how I feel about you, but I couldn’t help telling him how much you mean to me.”

“Anna…I—” She shoves her fingers against my lips, effectively cutting me off.

“Don’t,” she says. “You don’t have to say anything. I know it probably scares you that I love you. It scares me too, but I can’t help the way I feel. So, please, don’t shut this down yet.”

I swallow hard. In only a couple of weeks this girl knows me pretty well. I should tell her that her father was right, and that she should’ve listened to me when I warned her off when we first met, but damn if I don’t want to. I’m a selfish bastard, and I’m not ready to give up what I feel when I’m around her. From the very beginning I’ve relished being surrounded by the goodness that’s in her, and now that I know she loves me, the monster inside me that craves that emotion will never allow me to let her go, even if that’s what’s best for her.

She removes her fingers and presses a soft kiss against my lips.

“Take me upstairs.”

I nod and grab her hand, unable to deny her sweet request, because more than anything else, I need to feel her against me. I need to know she’s
real
. I’ve never deserved love—my grandmother made sure to pound that into my thick skull—and I most certainly don’t deserve Anna’s, but by God I’m going to fucking take it and hold onto it as long as I can.

Because I know she’s the only person in the world who’s ever felt this way about me.

T
he front door
opens and closes. I hold my breath as I lie in the corner of the living room on the hardwood floor, beneath the one blanket that Grandmother gave me to sleep with.

Mom stumbles in and locks the door behind her. She stares up the steps like she’s debating on whether or not she can make it to the top without falling. Today is the fourth day she has been gone, and her coming back now means she’s either out of money, or the drug source she found for the last few days has run dry.

Mom grips the railing of the step and sighs before she shoves herself away and heads my direction.

She plops down on the couch and rubs her face. The soft glow of the streetlights outside slip through the curtains and illuminate her face. Her hair is matted and there’s dirt all over her face. I don’t know where she’s been but from the looks of her, she’s been living hard outside somewhere. Leaves cling to the flannel shirt she’s wearing, and her blue eyes appear lost and tired.

She blinks slowly a few times before she pivots on the couch and makes eye contact with me.

“Xavier? Baby, why are you sleeping on the floor?” she questions with a slight gravel in her voice, like she’s nearly lost her voice.

I clutch the blanket against my chest. “Grandmother told me to sleep here until you got home.”

She raises her hand slowly like it’s taking a lot of effort and then pats the cushion next to her. “That’s silly. You come up here and sleep with me.”

“Mama, I’m eight now. I’m big. We won’t both fit,” I say, wishing that we could.

“Don’t be silly,” she says in that dreamy tone she always has when she’s high. “Come snuggle with your mama. I’ve missed you.”

I push my body up and drag my blanket along with me. I sit next to my mother before she pulls me down with her as she covers us up with the blanket. She smells of vomit, body odor, and cigarette smoke, but I don’t care. She’s my safe haven, and the only person in this world I love.

“Xavier, promise me you’ll always be at this house. I want to always be able to find you here,” Mama whispers as she strokes my hair.

I close my eyes, relishing in the moment. “I’ll wait here forever for you, Mama.”

She pats my head. “That’s my good boy. I love you.”

For the first time in a long time, I feel peace wash over me. Maybe tomorrow will be the day she decides to stop living life on the edge and clean herself up.

Nothing would be better than that.

Sleep comes easy because tonight, unlike most nights, I’m completely relaxed, feeling safe in her arms.

I don’t move an inch all night, and the sound of birds chirping outside wakes me. For a moment I forget where I am. I’m not used to sleeping on something soft—my bed is always on the floor—and I don’t remember sleeping with something cold beside me.

My eyes pop open, and my breath catches in my chest as I find myself still wrapped in my mama’s arms.

Her cold, lifeless arms.

I freeze and panic engulfs me.

“No. No. No.” I shake my head and nudge her. “Mama? Mama, please!”

If Grandmother finds out that I allowed this to happen to her, she’ll kill me.

I sit up and shake her. “Come on, wake up.”

My mind flashes to something I saw on television once, and I quickly press my lips to her chilled ones. I blow a puff of air into her mouth, but nothing seems to be happening, so I try again.

Tears flow down my cheeks.

This can’t be real. The one person I love in this world can’t be gone.

I refuse to give up. I’ll keep putting air into her as long as it takes.

The next thing I know I’m being jerked back by the hair on my head.

“Get back, you little beast! Look what you’ve done!” Grandmother wails.

She falls to her knees beside the couch and throws herself across mama’s body and sobs. “Gina. My sweet, Gina. Why did you allow a demon inside you?”

I attempt to slink off the couch. Maybe if I can hide somewhere good, she won’t hit me today.

The cushion underneath me moves a bit and the couch creaks. Grandmother’s eyes flash to me, and they narrow instantly.

“You! You did this to my baby!”

For an older woman she’s fast. She jumps to her feet and wraps her hands around my neck, squeezing hard.

I gasp for air, but everything around me begins fading in and out of view.

“If she’d never loved you, she’d still be alive. You ruined her life. You’re the one who should be dead. Not her! Not my Gina!” she shrieks and tightens her grip.

The darkness flows over my eyes, and for the first time, I welcome death.

Hands shake me vigorously. “Xavier, wake up. Please. You’re scaring me.”

My eyes open at the sound of Anna’s sweet voice, and I scramble back against the headboard of the bed to get away from her touch. My chest heaves as I stare at her with wide eyes.

Dreams like that are so fucking real. They take me right back to the place in my life I try so desperately to shut out.

Sweat rolls down my chest and onto the sheet wrapped around my body. I need to get my mind off this shit. I have to forget.

I jump off the bed and fall to the floor on my stomach. I begin doing push-ups as fast as I can, needing the burn. I wish Anna wasn’t here to see this. I don’t need her to know how weak I am inside—how broken I am.

Just like before, she sits next to me on the floor and watches me. After a few moments her hand reaches out to mine in an attempt to comfort me.

I close my eyes. That little bit of contact with her feels so good.

“Will you talk to me about what happens when you’re like this?” she asks, her voice soft.

I keep working. How can I tell her the man that she loves is bad news?

When I don’t answer, she tries again. “Please, Xavier. You can trust me.”

The sincerity in her voice makes me want to tell her. I’ve never talked about my childhood with anyone. It’s too hard.

“Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together. Let me in. I want to know all of you—good and bad.” She’s on her knees beside me now, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, attempting to calm me down.

I lie down on the ground so I don’t hurt her by accident, and she rests her chest against my back.

She smoothes my hair back and kisses the side of my head.

“I’m here to listen.”

I nod, not knowing what else to say to her.

“Do you want to tell me what you were dreaming about?”

I take a deep breath and stare straight ahead at the nightstand in front of me. “My mother died with her arms around me, and sometimes my nightmares take me back there.”

She’s quiet, allowing me to take as much time as I need. I still can’t look at her though. I don’t want to risk seeing pity in her eyes.

I debate ending my story there, but there’s a pressure in my chest, and for some crazy reason it feels like everything I’ve ever bottled up is fighting to climb out of me. Maybe Anna should know everything about me. She’s the first person who’s loved me since my mother. She needs to know what she’s in for.

“My mother was a drug addict. It was just her and me until her addiction became the main focus of her life. We were evicted from our apartment when I was eight. Mom ended up loving drugs more than anything else, and we lost everything.”

Anna squeezes my shoulders in encouragement but remains quiet.

I lick my dry lips and taste the salt on my upper lip that still lingers from my vigorous workout. “We moved in with my grandmother a few months before Mom died. My grandmother was a religious woman, but she was filled with so much rage toward me. She was convinced I was an evil seed, planted in her daughter, making her an addict. The blame was always placed on me and she took it out on me, physically. My mother’s love for her demon seed is what ruined her life, because she refused to give me up.”