Yearning Devotion (9 page)

Gwen walked to the nearest bar she
knew. It was less than a block from her apartment. She didn’t look around,
didn’t care who was there, or how many people were there. None of it mattered.
She just needed a drink and not have McKayla questioning and looking and
worrying in her direction. When she realized McKayla was in her apartment, she
knew she had to get out for a while. She had laid a soft kiss on a sleeping
McKayla’s cheek before slipping out of the apartment.

“Can I get a double of whiskey?”
Gwen requested from the bartender. She slammed it back and signaled for
another.  This one she sipped more slowly and moved to sit at a table along the
wall. She sat staring at the empty seat across from her, her mind running
through all the times she and Cole had talked. All the times he brushed against
her, brushed a strand of hair from her cheek to tuck it behind her ear, the way
he always listened when she talked, the way he had appreciated her sketches.
His green eyes flashed into her mind. Those green eyes that first caught her
attention, the eyes that seemed to see deep into her soul every time he looked
at her, and the eyes that lied to her while they made love.

Shaking her head, she knocked back
the rest of what was in her glass.

No, they hadn’t been in love, not
yet. But he’d done a damn fine job of persuading her to fall for him. He had
even started to convince her that she might be worthy of being loved by someone
like him. Her. She was a disgusting vile person. She’d done things most people
couldn’t even imagine. But the way Cole looked at her, the way he touched her,
it made her forget. It made her want to be as wonderful as that look in his
eyes said he thought she was. It made her think that her past didn’t have to
matter, that it didn’t ever have to come between them. Boy had he sucked her in
and pulled the wool over her eyes. Before he stomped on her fragile heart.

Scoffing, Gwen stood up and
stumbled a bit as the whiskey was starting to kick in. But she walked to the
bar without tripping. She ordered a refill on her drink and stayed seated at
the bar since the table seemed so far away now. Sipping again, she returned to
her thoughts.

It was actually for the best that
he was a cheating bastard. This way she didn’t have to reveal anything about
herself to him. All he knew about her really was that she was in school. Now
she never had to reveal that she was dirty, that she was paid to have sex with
men. She knew it soiled her soul but it wasn’t any worse than what she’d
already been through. In fact, it had helped her heal, but she doubted most
people would see it that way. 

She would never have to reveal to
him that she was raped. That she’d been held captive for years. That she’d been
pregnant 3 times during that time. How her body had managed to hold a
pregnancy, she didn’t know. She was barely fed and was routinely beaten until
she was in so much pain she could barely breathe. When they realized she was
knocked up, they only starved her more and the beatings were much more severe
to her stomach area to ensure that her body would abort the pregnancy on its
own.

Thanks to Cole’s mistake, she could
continue to keep the horrible memories to herself. So really it was a good
thing that his wife had shown up when she had. Wife. God she really hadn’t seen
that one coming.

With that thought, she finished her
drink and signaled for another.

She was stupid enough to be tricked
into falling in love with a man. She never fallen for any of the stupid moves
players pulled to get a woman they wanted but she’d sure fallen for the moves
that Cole had used. He obviously wasn’t happily married or he wouldn’t have
been flirting and sleeping with Gwen. But he wasn’t so unhappy that he left his
wife either.  He hadn’t even tried to justify himself, not that it would have
mattered. He just sat there staring at her while her world was smashed to
little pieces.

She could still remember the feel
of his hands sliding over her body, the way he wiped away her tears and how
gentle and tender he had been that final time they made love. That’s what it
was. They had made love. That wasn’t the fucking Gwen was used to. It had been
her offering him up a small piece of her heart to him. She stupidly thought he
was doing the same to her. She would’ve swore it’d been his heart in his eyes.
She would’ve swore he felt the same feelings she had. But that couldn’t be true
now.

He’d sat on the bed, sheet around
his waist and watched her walk out of his life. She replayed those last few
moment over in her head again. He hadn’t uttered one word. Not one word to try
to explain. Not one word to try to get her to stay. Not one word.  That broke
her heart even more. If he cared at all, he would’ve said something. Anything.

Taking another sip of her drink,
she felt eyes on her. She turned and saw a man a couple empty seats away eyeing
her.
Time to leave.
She probably would get cut off soon anyway. She
gulped the rest of the whiskey. Enjoying the burn in her throat for a moment
before slapping a $100 bill on the counter and signaling to the bartender,
making sure he saw it. She turned and left the bar. Opening the door, she was
slapped with warm muggy air from outside.

She forced her foggy brain to focus
as she walked another block away from her apartment and into another bar where
she ordered yet another whiskey.  She sat at a table in a dark corner where she
knew she wouldn’t be bothered. At least this bar had a waitress so she wouldn’t
have to get up to get another drink. And it had music louder than the last so
she could use that to help push back her memories into the deep recesses she
normally stored them in. She would have to find somewhere to shove these new
issues with Cole.

A song was playing from over the
stereo system that resonated with Gwen. The song made her remember the many
times she’s screamed and fought her captors. No matter how hard she’d fought,
how loud she screamed, they had always gotten their way and used her body. She
rarely had been able to please them. No matter what they wanted from her. They almost
always followed up their release with a beating for her. Teach her how to
please a man, they said. Eventually, she stopped fighting at all and just let
them have their way. She eventually learned how to please them. The beatings
had lessened but at least once a week each of the brothers would make sure she
was beaten to remind her of who was in charge. They always shoved and pushed
her around, but the beatings that left her covered with bruises were less
often. They had broken her.  She had given up. She hadn’t cared anymore about
her life.  She’d only cared to stop the pain.

She ordered another drink and the
waitress brought it to her.

Her mind went to one of the darkest
memories she had. It was the reason she finally found the will to escape.  She
had gotten pregnant again. They didn’t know and she wasn’t going to tell them. 
When she made her move to escape, she had guessed she was about 3 months
pregnant. She couldn’t take the starvation they’d put her through if they found
out. Already so thin and always so hungry, she couldn’t handle the thought of
less food. A brutal beating would also surely be given. It had been a year
since she had last been pregnant and the beating then had been so bad she didn’t
think she’d survive from it. She could only imagine how bad the beating would
be when they found out. She’d bled for weeks and hadn’t been able to walk from
the pain she’d been in when they were done with her the last time. They had
refused to give her any food until her body had stopped bleeding. She was so
weak and they left her completely alone for days at a time. The day the
bleeding finally stopped, the younger brother said he couldn’t wait any longer
and had his way with her. After he was done, they gave her a tiny bit of food
and some water. The next day, both brothers returned to their normal routines
of having sex with her for hours, taking turns with her. They always said it
was their way of apologizing for making sure she didn’t stay pregnant. They
couldn’t have a kid running around making noise for the neighbors to hear.
That’d been their first lesson for Gwen. You don’t make noise, no matter what
and if you do, there will be punishments.

She slammed back the rest of her
drink and ordered another.

They hadn’t always come together
and stayed all day with her. But one or the other always came for a couple
hours every day to make sure she was ‘taken care of’.

When the waitress came up with her
glass, she shot that one back quickly. Before the waitress could slip away,
Gwen gave her enough money to settle her tab and leave a good tip. She had to
get out of here. She didn’t want to think about these memories. She didn’t want
to drag worse memories up from the deep recesses she’d shoved them down into.

The next morning, Gwen woke with a
killer headache. She rolled out of bed and felt pain stab through her brain.
She grabbed clothes and stumbled to the bathroom to shower. She let the water
beat down on her body until the water turned cold. She dragged on the clothes
after barely drying her body. Trying to push back the pounding in her head, she
made her way to the kitchen. She grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the cabinet
and took a big swallow from it.

“Starting early?” McKayla asked
from the doorway. Gwen flipped her the bird over her shoulder before taking
another big swallow. “Would you rather talk about this or are you gonna drink
it away?”

“Damn it, McKayla. I really don’t
need this right now.” Gwen turned and looked at her. Her head was throbbing
behind her eyes. She didn’t know how to explain her mind and thoughts to
McKayla. She loved her so much, but how do you tell the person you love more
than anything that you are heartbroken over someone else? That you have secrets
that you still can’t talk about and don’t WANT to ever talk about? She walked
to McKayla and pulled her into a hug. “I love you. But I just need to handle
this on my own. I can’t handle losing you on top of everything else in my mind
right now. Please, just give me some time.”

“I know.” McKayla held her tightly.
She wiped a tear off her own cheek before stepping back. “I just hate to see
you hurting yourself. I’m not going anywhere. You never have to worry about
that.”

Gwen just kissed her softly on the
lips before heading back to her room. After her shower, she’d put on a pair of
jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. She pulled her hair into a ponytail and slipped
on a pair of sneakers before she grabbed her small wallet that fit in her back
pocket of her jeans and left. She put her ear buds in and just wandered the
streets. She didn’t know how long she’d just wandered listening and trying to
find understanding in the mess her life had become and why she’d had to have
the life she had. She ended up in the bar that she last remembered entering the
night before.  She was pretty sure she’d gone to at least one, maybe two other
bars, but she didn’t remember exactly, the whiskey had taken over at that
point. She didn’t even know how she got home or what time it had been.

She looked at the time on her phone
after the bartender set down her drink. Two in the afternoon.  She figured she hadn’t
gotten up until 11 or so. 
What the hell, its five o’clock somewhere right?

Gwen lived somewhere between bars
and comatose sleep for two weeks. She had spoken off and on with McKayla about
the things she could but she was hurting. It was like after all the pain in her
past this was the one thing that just made the whole pile too heavy to carry.
All the old memories that she had shoved down and not thought about for so long
were breaking out of the boxes in her mind she stored them in. She was reliving
them again and again. The memories were causing her to have nightmares. She
would wake up in the middle of the night screaming if she didn’t drink enough. No
matter what state she went to bed in, McKayla was there to help comfort her as
best she could.

One morning, she pulled on the same
pair of jeans that she’d worn the last two days and a clean baggie black top
that fell off one of her shoulders.  It was nine in the morning, but that
didn’t stop her from going to the bar nearest her apartment. The bartender knew
her from her frequent visits. He knew she wasn’t going to get crazy or
anything, just stumble the half a block back to her apartment to crash for a
few hours. He let her drink until she had enough instead of cutting her off and
forcing her to go to another bar.

She wasn’t hung over. She was still
drunk from drinking the night before. It didn’t take her long to polish off her
first double. This was the way to do it. Drink late enough, get up early
enough, never have a hangover. She glared at her phone when it started to ring
next to her.

“Sam.” Gwen answered it with a
sigh. She took a sip of her drink.

“Gwen, where the fuck have you
been?” Sam’s voice was quiet but Gwen could tell that she was very upset with
her.

“Busy. What do you need?” Gwen just
didn’t care anymore. She supposed she should tell her that she wasn’t going to
come back to work. It was one of the decisions Gwen had made over the past
couple days while talking to McKayla during one of her few semi sober moments.
She didn’t want men touching her anymore. She just knew deep in her soul that
she just couldn’t take it anymore. She’d be able to live frugally off McKayla’s
income and her savings until she found another job.

“Listen, we need to talk. Something
is obviously going on with you.” Sam tried to stay calm with her, no need to
start yelling about all the customers that had been upset when Gwen didn’t show
up or the amount of money the business lost when those customers refused to
pay.

“Sam, I can’t do it anymore. I’m
done.” Gwen sighed tossing back her drink. Hell, she would have to go collect
her belongings at some point and no need to go down there completely trashed. 
She signaled the waiter and mouthed ‘water’ at him. He got her a glass of water
quickly. “Can I come by today to pick up my belongings?”

“Sure. You know, I always knew you’d
break at one point. You were the best girl we had. The customers always loved
you because you always made them feel like they really were with a girlfriend
that simply showed up when they wanted to get laid and left without any of the
other stuff.” Sam sighed before continuing. “I hope you find something in life
that makes you happy. I’m sad to see you go, but we all eventually have to move
on. I won’t be in the office most of the day but feel free to pick up your things.
I’ll have your final pay in your locker. Take care of yourself.”

Gwen didn’t see the point of
putting it off longer than necessary. She drank the whole glass of water before
paying her tab and then began her familiar route to work, well former work now. 
Sitting on the subway reminded her of the times she had sat there and talked to
Cole or the weeks before then when she would just admire him from afar. She
closed her eyes and slumped in her seat resting her head on the back of the
seat.  She listened as they passed the various stations. Once her stop was
close, she stood and exited the subway and tried to leave the memories of Cole
there. But it didn’t work, his memories followed her everywhere.

She made her way through the crowd
as quick as her fuzzy mind would allow her to go. She finally reached street
level and stopped to get a breath of fresh air. Now she walked slowly down the
street towards the office. The song on her ear buds changed to one about a man
that cheated. She’d bet this is song was close to what Cole was saying to that
little brunette wife of his. She was sure Cole would tell his wife that it was
Gwen who’d forced herself on him. That she had convinced him to cheat on his wife.
The whore from the subway, yep, she’d bet that’s what was just what was being
said. Why would he say anything else?

Gwen knew she was punishing herself
with these thoughts but she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t stand the person she
was, the things that she had done. Her choices made her physically ill, but
they were just that, her choices. It had been the easy choice to make back
then. To use her body to make money was easy. She already knew how to handle
men she didn’t want to be around wanting her attention, only this time she
would be making good money to do it. She supposed she had started to see the
error of her ways when she enrolled in school. It made her be around people who
were more ‘normal’. Riding the subway everyday had exposed her to what normal
people did every day and she’d loved it. But it was Cole who had made her really
see what she was doing. What man would want to be with the woman she was? What
man would want to introduce a woman like her to their mom? She was sure that
had to do with why she hadn’t heard anything from Cole. How could he really want
someone like her in his life? She was just the entertainment and once he’d gotten
a good time from her, what use would he have for her now? Especially now that
his wife had caught them.

 She was three doors away from the
office when she saw a sight that stopped her dead in her tracks. Cole.  Oh and
look, his pretty little brunette wife was there too. They were half a block
away in front of her on the sidewalk.

Gwen leaned a shoulder on the wall
and crossed her arms over her chest, watching them.  They hadn’t seen her, not
yet. They were walking down the street, holding hands. Gwen’s lip curled as she
watched them. Here she’d been living in hell for the last two weeks and he was
looking just as freaking amazing as normal as if nothing was bothering him. Yea.
She’d been a very stupid woman when she had let him get anywhere near her
heart. Anger at herself flashed through her but she just ground her teeth
together and kept watching the beautiful couple.

His wife was short but her tall
heels helped make up for it. She still only came up to the middle of his chest.
They were both dressed in business attire. Cole was in one of his amazing suits
and she was in an equally tailored knee length navy business dress that showed
off how thin and petite she was. Her perfect hair was pulled back into a low
messy bun at the nape, loose tendrils framing her beautiful high cheek bones
and bright blue eyes.  The couple didn’t look like they were going through a
rough time, they looked perfect. Neither had a hair out of place or a wrinkle
in their extremely expensive clothes. Meanwhile Gwen was wearing dirty jeans, a
baggy shirt and her long wavy hair messy and tucked behind her ears with a
slight buzz still from being at the bar. To say there was a big difference in
their appearances would be an understatement.

The couple was looking at each
other, while talking quietly together. Not paying attention to any of the other
people on the street with them. They turned to go into the expensive little
restaurant right next door to the office.  Cole’s wife entered as he held open
the door for her.  He looked up, his eyes landed right on Gwen as he was
turning to go inside.  A look of surprise flashed over his face at seeing her
there.  She didn’t wait to see anything else, she didn’t need any more humility
to add to her already crumbling life. She turned away quickly and walked the
opposite direction as fast as she could. She slipped into the first bar she
found.

She ordered another whiskey,
knocked it back and got a refill. Hell, at this rate she was going to be
toasted before noon. Didn’t matter, not like she had anything else to do.  She could
sit at the bar sipping her glass of whiskey all day and it really wouldn’t
matter.

Before she even had a chance to
push it back, a memory surfaced through the slightly drunken fuzz in her mind.

He’d been stupid enough to think
she was so complacent as to not notice the pocket knife he dropped on the
counter when he emptied his pockets after entering. The keys to the door were
there also, but she knew she would never get out the door before he caught her.

He fucked her on the tiny bed
before demanding she make him food then do the dishes. Once she was done he told
her to get undressed, he was horny again. “Need to get himself another piece of
her sweet ass,” he told her. She hadn’t moved fast enough for him. He grabbed
her hair and slammed her face into the wall, twice, hard. It broke her nose,
again. It barely even stung but she whimpered once, just loud enough for him to
think she was suffering. Blood gushed out of her nose but she pushed her hips
back against him. She needed to get him distracted.

He laughed at her. He spoke into
her ear as he pulled back on her hair, “You like the way I fuck you. You dirty
little girl. You want it so bad, you don’t even care that you’re bleeding
everywhere.”

 
He reached down to flip open the button on his
jeans and pull himself out.
The hold in her hair eased as his attention shifted to getting his pants
undone.
That was when she slipped the knife out of her shorts.
She flipped out the knife with her nail before turning quickly. She brought the
knife up and stabbed it as hard as she could into the side of his neck before
yanking it towards his other ear. She knew if this didn’t work, they would kill
her. There was no doubt in her mind about that. She had to make it work or
she’d die trying.

When he slumped down to the
floor, blood had sprayed everywhere, now it was making puddle that was
spreading across the floor. She quickly moved to the kitchen. She threw the
knife on the floor and grabbed his keys before running to the front door.

She struggled with the keys. The
blood covering her hands was sticky and slippery as she tried to get the key in
the door. She had to get out of there. Sometimes they visited her alone,
sometimes minutes or hours passed before the other arrived, she couldn’t take
the chance and waste time. She grabbed his large coat that was right next to
the door, slipping it on to cover her blood soaked clothes as she stepped
outside. She ran as far and hard as her bare feet would carry her.

Gwen came out of her memory with a gasp.
It was the one memory she had managed to push deep, deep within herself and not
think about.  Oddly, the killing didn’t bother her. It was the sheer terror she
felt at the time that was so strong that it still made her shake now. But she
had finally escaped. She would never have to go back.

Realizing her glass was empty, she
ordered another.

She had been pregnant; she knew
that for sure now. She never gotten the chance to find out how far along she
had been. She miscarried a week later. The baby was the reason she finally got
the courage to leave her captors, and she lost it, left alone in the world
again. Losing the baby had been incredibly hard for her to get over. She wouldn’t
have had a way to care for it but she would’ve finally had someone in this
world that loved her.

The other homeless people she had been
hanging out with had kept her alive and sane. They helped her get other clothes
to wear. They never asked questions, not too many anyway, they all had things
they didn’t want to talk about too. She’d never explained many of the details
to McKayla. She’d given as little of the details as she could to keep McKayla
from pressing for more information. It was easier to just shove them down deep
and try her hardest to pretend that it never happened.

Sitting there drinking yet another
glass of whiskey, she decided it was time to come clean. She’d been so thankful
she didn’t have to tell Cole anything about herself and yet she had yet to tell
the love of her life a lot of those details. She left her glass half full on
the bar, paid her tab and went to the office.

She pushed through the doors to Finest
Companions and quickly gathered her things in a duffle bag she had in the
bottom of her space. She shoved all her items except her expensive dresses in
the bag. The dresses got put into a garment bag. It took less than 15 minutes
to clean out her space then she headed back out onto the street. She’d stuffed
her final pay in the duffle bag, better not to be carrying that kind of cash in
her pockets.

This was it. Gwen had decided after
seeing how completely unaffected Cole had been while she’d been reliving every
horrible moment of her life because he’d shattered the carefully constructed
world she lived in, it was time to move on.  She grabbed all of her items and
left behind this part of her life.